My step mother and I had an incident the other day involving her 8 year old boy and my 4 year old girl. The story my daughter told me was that he told her they were going to play a game and pretend they were married. Then they kissed, touched tongues and he kissed her feet, her hands and her legs. After asking her to repeat her story she told me the same thing twice and not one bit of the story varied from the first version she told. I, of course, told my daughter that behavior like that is ONLY for married people and that little kids shouldn't do that. She was so scared that she would be in trouble but I assured her that she wasn't and just reminded her that if that EVER happened again to IMMEDIATELY come and tell an adult. I told my husband and we both agreed that my brother, being 8 years old, was old enough to know better and I talked to my stepmom about it the first chance I got. I let her know the facts and told her I wasn't angry, I was just worried because he is so young and it made me wonder if something is going on with him and he just isn't telling anyone. She agreed that he has a problem because this is the THIRD time this has happened with him and another child. Forgive me for the long post; I am getting to a point here somewhere. The main question I have is what can we do to help him because he's a really good boy we're just worried that he's being sexually abused himself and is too scared to say anything. We're afraid this is how he's learned to deal with it (by victimizing other children) and we're concerned with the age difference. It seems the other children stay the same age (4-5 years old) while he gets older. We both know, kids will be kids and will get curious at that age about what the other one has and yada yada. We're just scared that he is going to keep doing this and end up really hurting some child or even himself somehow. Does anyone know of any counselors or programs in the area for children who are victimizing other children as a result of their own abuse? Again, we aren't even sure that he has been abused but there are other things (behavioral changes and mood swings, getting defensive or angry when asked about things like that) and we just want him to get the help he needs. Anyone have any suggestions about how to help him? To make matters worse, when his father found out he yelled at him, called him a pervert and told him he was to NEVER go around little kids ever again! Any help here would be appreciated as neither of us know what to do.
I highly recommend you google the signs of sexual abuse in children. Highly sexualized, age INappropriate behavior is one of many of the signs. As well as withdrawal, mood swings, etc. His behavior is extremely inappropriate, and if his mother does not get him into counseling NOW, he may be arrested in the next couple years when his next victim's parents decide not to ignore his actions.
If you have insurance, you can go into the mental health section on the company's website. The specialties of each counselor are usually listed. You should look for one specializing in child abuse or sexual abuse. I did this looking for a specialist for my son's ocd/anxiety.
You could also have his mother talk to his pediatrician. He/she can give you a much quicker recommendation on a psychologist. Mind you, most professionals that are in contact with children are required by law to report child abuse. I'm just wondering why she has ignored this problem now three times (that she knows of)? If she says he has a problem, then she shouldn't be sitting on her hands. How many more victims should he make, how much worse does his victimizing need to become before they do something about it? And as much as his father is not helping simply by yelling at him, he has one valid point: this child should not be allowed in unsupervised contact with younger children anymore.
p.s. The scariest thing about abused children is that the abuser is almost ALWAYS SOMEONE YOU KNOW. How else can they put the child into that situation, unless the child knows and trusts them?
Hi Jennifer, I agree with everything Cory said. Talk to his pediatrician and get a referral to a counselor. He is definately showing signs of being abused himself. Do not let him have contact with younger children. Even at 8, he can go to Juvy for sexual molestation or abuse, so it's best to be stopped before it gets that far. I'm not sure where you live, but here we have Manatee Glens. They have a program especially for children who are victimized, and one for children who are the sexual aggressors. Do something now, and don't wait until something happens again. After all, he is only 8. Sexual abuse victims do not disclose information until they are good and ready, so other than being available if he needs to talk (let him know all the time), don't pressure him to talk (if you think something really did happen). Also, children who are abused by someone, always act differently around them, so watch for that too.
Good luck finding him the help he is seeking. Feel free to email if you have any other q's.
Directions for Mental Health Inc. at 1437 Belcher Road in Clearwater, 524-4464 has been a helpful resource for our school.
Barbara Bedingifeld
Suncoast Waldorf School
Jennifer W-
I hope that this will help... There are several programs in Manatee and Sarasota Counties to deal with children and sexual abuse. Usually the first step you need to make is to contact either: law enforcement (747-3011- Manatee County Sheriff's Office) or the Florida Abuse Hotline (1-800-96-ABUSE). Both will be able to assist you in your individual situation and offer appropriate referrals. There are programs both through the county and the state which can provide services (such as interviews, counseling, medical evaluations) to help determine if abuse has occurred (they use child friendly techniques and are all specially trained in dealing with child abuse) and what services are appropriate. Good luck with your situation.
First of all the father is wrong and I would report him to HRS on verbal abuse to a child. Someone is either touching this child or he is seeing it on TV. Maybe his father had that reaction because he is guilty. How can you talk to a child that way? Anyway, the 8 yr old needs help because the last thing anyone wants is for this to progress and he starts to physically hurt small children. That is how rapist and molestation starts got to catch it early. Sounds like he is a good kid and needs more love and support rather than abusive language.
Hi Jennifer,
The first thing I would do is have your stepmom call her insurance company and get a list of pediatric counselors in your area that are on her plan and then start calling till she finds one she is comfortable with.
She can also talk to her Pediatrician and see what he/she suggests......
Good Luck and I think you are all doing the right thing by dealing with this now and not having the "not my child" attitude!!!!! You can really be changing your brother's life for the better and helping other children that he may hurt one day.
Everyone has given you great advice and I wish you and him the best! You should tell his mom to do these things without the father's involvement for now. He seems guilty as sin to me! That boy needs to feel comfortable enough to tell the truth and that will never happen with the father involved. God I hope you can help him, not child should be going through that. Thank you for helping him.
Dear Jennifer,
I completely understand your concern, and think that it's wonderful that you are looking for sane solutions instead of becoming angry with your brother. This is obviously not the correct solution.
I think you may benefit greatly from looking into Scientology counseling, called auditing. Auditing helps get to the bottom of life's troubles, in order to really resolve them so that they don't come up again. You can contact the Clearwater or Belleair Mission and bombard them with questions, and they will gladly answer them all for you.
It's relieving to know that something can be done about it, and I truly wish you the best going forward.
My situation was a little different as my daughter was sexually abused from age 7-13 by my secong husband while I was at work and i didn't find out about it until our marriage ended and she felt safe in telling me. I got her to counciling asap first with our church, then with catholic social services as I being a single parent with limited health insurance had to pay on a sliding scale and many places do not do that. My daughter rejected the councilors because she didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't until 3 yrs later of her acting out and gettinginto legal trouble that i was able to get her into the sheriff's youth ranch where she took to the councilor there and opened up some. She is fine now and a wonderful mother. All I can suggest first is a crisis hotline, most places have one. They may be able to direct you to a councilor dealing with such matters, or your pediatrician might also be able to recommend someone specifically for that. You are right that the "show and tell" stage goes on with most kids when they are old enough for curiosity to set in. Been there, Your situation is quite different and i agree with your concerns.
First of all let me say Kudos for the way you dealt with the situation!After reading this I am wondering why would you automatically think your brother is being abused? Is there any history, possibilities, etc? A lot of this behavior is learned so I wonder if he is around older kids where he is picking this stuff up or is allowed to watch things on tv that would contribute to him thinking this is ok. Part of me says this is normal behavior, but only a small part. It's normal for kids to experiment and have questions about "adult stuff". My biggest concern is that he has had a few incidents similar to this and of course that isn't good. It's concerning I agree! Is there anyone he can talk to or feels comfortable with? Can you or someone he is comfortable with ask more of the same questions? Maybe in a private setting, a 1:1 ratio? If you continue to see some of the same signs, mood swings, defensiveness I would really encourage you to have him talk to a child psychologist if it doesn't get any better. I wish you lots of luck and hope that things work out!
Hi,
Bless you for having the courage to deal with this on an open forum!!! Abuse is 75% of the time by someone the child knows and has contact with on a regular basis. Unfortunately, unless he feels comfortable telling you, it is very difficult to say who, or if.
Listen to his words when he gets frustrated. What does he say when he doesn't want to talk about it? He night not even be abused. Has he ever walked in on your step mother and father being intimate? Sometime even other family members or friends can unwittingly expose him to confusing material. Many adults aren't geared to how sensitive and intelligent young minds are. Pornagraphy which has become mainstream now easily be found in areas which children have access.
Have courage and faith that you are a good sister, and mother to your own, by trying to deal with this without condemning this young boy!
A word of advise on the abuse alligations . . . They stay out there forever, they don't go away even if nothing happened. I was abused (not severely, but enough to have a huge impact on my life), and no one believed that I was talking about my father.
I've known people who've been accused by others, usually psychiatrists or other family members, (not those reported as being the abused) and it destroyed their families, jobs and others faith in their caracter even though nothing ever happened!!!! Let your brother tell you. Otherwise unless you see it happening it is too difficult to tell why this behavior started. I agree that he should never be unsupervised with young children though. If it's happened 3 times , and apparently your father has spoken to him about it - hence his strong reaction to it this time. He may not "want"/"know how" to stop.
My prayers are with you and your family!
Again
A couple months ago a lady came and talked to the parents at my preschool about sexual child abuse, and she said that child-on-child abuse is the type growing the fastest. They attribute a lot to the increased exposure to sexual behavior in our culture - tv, magazines, etc. It can also certainly be a sign of abuse by an adult as well, but not necessarily. She said that if you suspect possible abuse, that the first, best step is to call 1-800-96-ABUSE. This does not mean that any action will be taken, but at least you can file a report, even if it's just "I suspect something might be happening." I think if they get three reports, then they HAVE to investigate. If they get one solid report, they probably investigate that too.
I think that the speaker at our daycare was from the Child Protection Center. (941) 365-1277 She said she is happy to speak with parents anytime. So you can probably just call and talk to someone there about your concern. They might very well offer to send someone to talk to the whole family, if you request it.
She also talked to us a lot about how you work with children after they have been abused. Lots of good information about how to talk to young kids about their bodies... how to make them comfortable around immediate family, but still know how to set their own boundries. A child can be abused and still live a normal, happy healthy life. A lot just depends on how you work through it. You should be able to talk to people at the Child Protection Center without filing a report or anything... just to get advice.
My daughter had a similar problem with a family member about the same age difference. However, the adults involved dismissed it as "kids being kids" and let it go. Not eveyone that knew what was going on, admitted to it and I was assumed to be over-reacting. Two years later an older family member (although still a minor) sexually abused her. She was almost five. None of the other family members believed her story and accused me of making it up, although the police believed her and were prosecuting the case. We were referred to a wonderful counselor. Dr Kerry Brown. He is a Christian and is in Tampa. I know that it's a ways away but he was phenomenal and helped us get through the situation. My daughter is now almost 11, the case was dropped at her request - she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore and wanted her family back. Of course, nothing went back to the way it was - but she has adapted well. Dr Kerry told us that we handled the situation exactly right for her and she doesn't feel any guilt over the situation. She knows what happened and why it shouldn't and you can trust that she knows EXACTLY what to do if anyone tries something like that again! As she matures and realizes what happened, she may need additional counseling. We will be making the trip to Dr Kerry whenever that time comes. His number, should you care to contact him, is 813-988-4788. Unless he's moved - good luck.
Thanks for all the great advice and support. Also, thank you for the prayers. I have complete faith in my stepmother and her abilities as a mother. I know she will do the right thing and do whatever it takes to help him but keep others safe at the same time. I will be passing all the information I’ve received here to her so she can use what she thinks might work.
Also, I didn’t properly explain the family ties here. While I call her my stepmother, she is technically not my stepmother anymore because she and my father divorced years ago. She remarried and had another son (the 8 year old) with him. They too are divorced now. She has always been like a 2nd mom to me and her 8 year old has always been my little brother. He always heard my 14 year old brother (my dad’s and step mom’s son) call me sissy so he did too. And I love him just as much as I do my other 4 brothers.