I need suggestions with how to deal with my just turning two year old daughter. Her main tantrum thing seems to be pulling her hair, and it drives me crazy but I do not know how to stop it. Suggestions, advice? She only does it when she is in the midst of a temper tantrum, and it is probably because she knows it drives us crazy!
She knows it makes you crazy so you have to ignore it. If that don't work tell her to do it. They call that reverse sycology. She will stop it if she thinks you don't care anymore. Thats like a kid laying on the floor kicking and screaming. If you walk over and pick them up they will do it everytime to get attention. Ignore them and they will stop. It may take a while but they will STOP. STOP letting this small act for attention bother you she's not hurting you. She will stop! Try it, It will be hard to ignore her but you can! Be strong!
Happiest Toddler on the Block -- get the dvd or book asap. It will help you understand her behavior and how to react (or not) to it.
I agree, she's doing it to get a reaction from you. As hard as it might seem, you need to ignore it I think. When you think about it, it's bound to get boring (if not painful) for her. I'm sure she'll find some other thing to drive you crazy with. ;)
I just talked to my pedi about this. She said it is an inmature way to deal with frustration. I need to give her other avenues in order to get it out!
You said it already - she knows it drives you crazy. Best advice I can give is to not let it. (i know, easier said than done)
When your daughter throws a tantrum, either leave her on the floor and walk away or tell her she can only throw tantrums in her room and WALK her there. If your head isn't close to her she can't pull your hair and if she's pulling your hair or being held she is probably getting just the attention she wants during the tantrum. As soon as the tantrums aren't productive for her the hairpulling will probably subside too.
She pulls her hair BECAUSE it drives you crazy, fully expecting to get what she wants as a result. If it works she will continue.
Many may disagree, but I think she's found your hot button and using it. I would be more interested in solving the tamper tantrums. You could time out or take something away. At two it's hard to say use your words, but try to start now. When my friends daughter would hit her head as form of her tantrum, the Dr told her to let her doing it. Stop cuddling and giving her attention when she hurts herself and soon she would stop. She did!
I dont know if this is the best approach?
but....I went through this once and got fed
up when other diciplines were not working..
would scold, put in time out, tried everything
nothing stopped him...
so got fed up and one day and when hair got pulled...
I pulled back just enough to get his attention.
and then he didnt like getting a taste of
his own medicine and the behavior soon stopped.
basic dicipline didnt work but that did.
Don't let her know it drives you crazy. Essentially, you have to stop reacting, because then she is getting what she wants . . . your attention for her bad behavior. Two year olds are notorious for flexing their independence muscles, and part of that is pushing boundaries. She knows she is getting a rise out of you so she is going to keep doing it. You need to learn to ignore the behavior. She'll stop (and it may take a few weeks, so be patient) because she isn't getting the reaction from you or your husband and she'll realize it actually hurts!
Just leave the room and she will realize she gets no attention whatsoever when she does it. Don't even look at her.
I have 4 children, all who have pulled their temper tantrums. Have you tried just walking away and ignoring her. She is only pulling out her hair b/c she is getting a reaction from you both. Just walk over her when she is doing that, and go to another room. She will not get any satisfaction from you not watching her. It will work, promise!! Might take a few times, but she will realize, mom is not going to give in or react to my actions, so what is the point.
Good Luck!!
My advice is different from what others have offered. It is something I learned while studying Applied Behavior Analysis. Essentially, without being too technical, you daughter is exhibiting "self injurious behavior."
So maybe instead of using the extinction approach suggested by many respondents of walk away and it will stop (which may be true, but can trigger another attention seeking behavior). Offer your daughter non-contingent attention.
Meaning give her the attention before the behavior occurs. She may be trying to tell you with her limited vocabulary she wants you to interact more with her. Her tantrum and hair pulling are her way of getting your attention.
Engage her in more conversations, sing more songs, show her more attention, you may see an overall decrease in the tantrums, (it is hard to say without more information).
Understand why she is having the tantrum, behaviors just do not happen out of the blue, something is triggering her tantrum. Take note of what the trigger is and change it.
help her with her communication, one of the best things I have ever done for my ever-so-moody, almost 2 year old son is to teach him sign language.
To Alicia B. who says not to follow my response because I must be old from the 50's or 60's... No... I AM JUST 30 YEARS OLD... My parents did not play when it came to me doing silly uncalled for things that they had already told me before not to do..then yes you get your butt spanked. I personally do not have to spank my child because I taught her early on right from wrong. But believe you me, if she crosses the line, I would not have a problem with spanking her. I wish she would call DCFS. I don't need someone sitting in an office making rules telling me how to rear my child that I feed, clothe and gave birth to. I don't give a dang about DCFS rules on how to rear child child by not spanking them. As long as what you are doing is not in humane, torturing or not feeding your child, I don't see whats wrong with a spanking. Telling your kid to go sit in the corner sure as heck doesnt solve anything.
Again people no need to get alarm to each his own and this is just my OPINION....take it or leave it..... I just wanted to clear up and respond to Alicia B who thinks I must be OLD to say spanking is okay. I just turned 30 in March. I am far from OLD... LOL LOL LOL
Also to "those of you" who responded to my response saying that me recommending a whooping shows a "lack of education and patients" I just want to let you know that education and patients has nothing to do with whether or not you choose to spank your child. I am SINGLE, INDEPENDENT, HOLD A MASTERS DEGREE AND AM DOING QUITE WELL FOR MYSELF! So that analogy has nothing to do with me suggesting whooping a child. I am educated and I do have patients...LOL LOL
Vicki M. regarding: Your toddler that pulls hair when aggravated. I am not saying this to be mean or nasty but I am from a time where as a kid, you just don't think to do anything like that. You would get your butt spanked. Most kids these days, that is what they need. You don't give a child a choice, they are not the adults. Trust me after you whoop her butt then see how quick she is to pull her hair or throw a temper tantrum.
Hi Vicki, We have had problems with our son becoming so angry at times that he ends up hurting himself. When we would try to hold him or calm him down (even if we were irritated with him) he would get more angry. We were working with a behavioral therapist who said, it sounds like he's the kind of kid who just becomes more angry when a parent intervenes. Life has been a lot easier since we took her advice and ignore the behavior (sounds like you are on the right track). We just tell him when he's calm, he can come to us to talk. Obviously, he's too young to express his emotions (this has been happening since he was two and he's 3 and a half now). After he's been calm for about 20 minutes, I'll try to figure out why he was angry and say, "you were really mad. Was it because you couldn't have a cracker before dinner, because you couldn't get the playdough open or whatever." Usually I know what made him made (but not always) and giving them choices to choose froms makes communicating easier. ...and them dealing with their emotions. It has worked wonders! He's 3 and a half and better able to communicate his feelings and emotions. Not perfectly though. Although, he still gets angry and we just let him be. Good luck! The twos and threes are a blast sometimes. Wink...wink!
I know I'm a little late with my response, but it's so interesting that you posted this now. Our 2-year-old daughter, home now with us from China for about a month, was having tantrums often. I attributed it to the trauma of the adoption, etc., until my mother witnessed a few of the tantrums and told me that they were "typical 2-year-old tantrums." She advised walking away to a not-too-far (i.e., spot where I wasn't too far away) - essentially, ignorning her. I have since tried that, along with an approach like what one of the other respondents offered - trying to anticipate what she's needing and listening more closely to her when she is trying to communicate (for us, this is big, since language is a real issue). The combination approach is working well. My daughter is having fewer tantrums, and I believe that's because I'm understanding her better (not just verbally, but in the ways she signals what's on her mind), and because, when it does happen and I do walk away, she comes out of it much quicker than before, comes to see me, says: "Hi" like nothing happened and goes about her business. I have also been reading a great book called "Toddler 411" that has helped a lot and consulting the new, updated Dr. Spock - both books are very helpful about tantrums. Good luck. I totally understand how you're feeling. It's frustrating - and heartbreaking - when it happens.
Jena
Your request made me smile in remembrance. My now 26 year old daughter used to do that. She would be angry with me, reach up and pull out hair at the back of her head, and thrust her fist at me, with the hairs in it.
Initially, she would pull at her hair, and it came out easily, so I tried to discourage this behaviour. She immediately picked up on my concern for her hair. First time she did it in anger, I was shocked. Then, I had to laugh. She was so serious about letting me know she was mad at me, I got tickled. She did not continue for long, since I just laughed.
She was very independent and would get upset if I tried to "help" her too much. I learned a lot from her.
Now, she has a one year old daughter that I keep four days a week. My granddaughter is smart and already has her mommy's number, too, LOL...
i hug everything out w/ my son so i barely have to deal w/ tantrums..i just say.."huggie" and he comes over hugs me and it's over. there is a book on this way of dealing w/ toddlers..i never read it ..it just came naturally..if i ignore then he gets more upset..and i don't like to do that.
Please do not "whoop" your child's butt because Tisha D says that is what worked when she was a "kid". She must be in her 50's-60's I'd guess sounds like something my mother or mother-in-law would say!
I agree with everyone else ignore the behavior put the child in for a time out in their cribs/bed for each min of their age.
Spanking just makes most kids more angry. Plus if you tell a child not to "hit, kick, bite, pull his/her own hair or others" then you go and spank them? How is that teaching them anything?
Plus now a days you get caught "spanking" a child DSS will be all over you! Also there is a wonderful book my mom got me (I have not finished reading it myself though) but it is a great technique & so far what I have learned has worked. It is called Love And Logic Magic for Early Childhood Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. By Jim & Charles Fay, Ph.D.
Does not involve spanking either! Good luck. I need to finish reading this too. My 17 month old is now starting to throw fits and not sure why. The other night he was finished with his bottle (almost off bottle 100%, just has one night time one) but he was done, sat up and starting yelling, and hitting me for what I could tell no reason. Oh well, just a part of motherhood I guess. Good luck to us all...LOL
I have to say that in some cases, the information and suggestions provided may work. The most important advice I believe you received is finding out what the tantrum is about and talking with your daughter about that. We have a two and a half year old adopted daughter from China. We brought her home at 13 months. We noticed almost immediately that she would wake up with handfuls of her hair, and when we would take her out of her crib, there was always hair left in her bed. It was problematic to the point that she literally had no hair on one side of her head. One woman even asked me what kind of cancer treatment she was receiving to lose the hair on only one side of her head. 18 months later, she still pulls out her hair & we have discovered that it is a syndrome that can carry into adulthood - very much like an eating disorder. If the advice about ignoring her tantrums and walking away doesn't work, I would strongly suggest you contact a behavioral therapist that specializes in toddlers to help you address what may be a more serious issue in your daughter. Early intervention is so important in this type of disorder. Good luck!