I have a 15 (almost 16) year old daughter. She has always loved school and worked hard at getting really good grades. Her freshman year last year didn't go too bad, but this year is just horrible! Her grades are terrible and she says that she hates it there and wants to be homeschooled. She has no friends really and I was told by the therapist I take her to that she has social phobia. When she's at home, she likes to play video games, watch TV, or lay around the house. She doesn't call anyone and won't answer the phone if it rings. It's almost as though she's afraid of the world. I don't know much about homeschooling and not sure if I even want to do it. I do know that I need to do something for her because she is just miserable. It's at the point where she almost has a huge anxiety attack each morning before she leaves the house. Talking to anyone at her school is impossible. I spoke to her counselor at school about her attitude about school and the counselor told me that she would meet with my daughter the next week; it never happened. My daughter told me that she doesn't tell her therapist how she feels because she isn't comfortable talking to people she doesn't know. So, should I homeschool her? Or should I take my husband's advice and have her "stick it out" for another 2 years? I really could use some advice!
What about looking into a alternative highschool where the class sizes are small and it's more one on one attention from the teachers and it's not so crowded and stressful.
Even if you homeschool what will she do for college or a job in a few years? She needs some sort of help NOW or she will be a miserable adult.
Keep her in therapy she needs to talk to someone.
Let me start by saying to not expect too much from the public school district...they're big on testing, documenting, and giving generic answers...not real big on putting it on the line and trying to give you a meaningful, solid answer on anything. You need to establish the game plan, and use the school district for what you need, but don't expect them to be much up-front help.
I think you already know that you need to take the control in this...something needs to be done. But don't waste any more time considering homeschooling!!! Homeschooling can't be a refuge for a serious, life-debilitating problem your daughter has. It would probably only confirm her phobia as reasonable, during a time when she needs to battle this issue so she can lead a normal life. Nothing wrong with being shy or reserved or even a little guarded about people. But not developing friendships? Having anxiety attacks? Homeschooling will only worsen the problem.
Definitely keep her in therapy!!! Switch counselors until you find one that she connects with. And, like another responder said, look into a smaller school (Charter school?).
You have to make it clear to your daughter too that she has a lot of responsibility in this as well. It sounds like she's dismissive and quick to give up and retreat to her shell. Ultimately she's the only one who will decide if she wants to get better, but you can do a lot by guiding her towards the best resources (and maybe get rid of those enablers like video games and tv?).
Good luck!
I am a strong advocate for alternative schools because I don't believe that the mainstream school system can meet the needs of ALL students. That's why alternatives were developed. Plus, I am biased because I have been working in alternative schools for over 12 years. I also did my own research on homeschooling when my son was getting close to Kindergarten age because he does not fit in the regular system. We ended up going with a Charter School.
I don't know where you live, which would make a difference on the advice I would give you. Feel free to contact me privately and we can have a more specific conversation, if you would like. There is no cut and dry answer here.
And as far as therapy, I would continue it as long as you and your daughter are both happy with the therapist. It takes a village, so the more caring adults that can be involved in her life, the better.
Hi, Marijo!
I went through the same thing with my daughter. I did homeschool her and as far as education went it was a good choice. One other thing that you need to take into consideration is her mental health status. My daughter needed extensive help. She is now 22, married and has an infant son. She still can not do anything alone very well and requires ongoing support. She is very bright, an excellent mother and wife, but is still insecure in public. I really encourage you to seek professional help, but don't hospitalize her if you can avoid it. Doing so only exacerbated my daughter's phobia. I hope this helps. If you want to talk live just email me and we can connect.
Sandy
I was horribly, horribly shy well into my adult years. Every day at school was stressful, my self-esteem and confidence were poor, and I spent a lot of time avoiding people. Being forced into situations where I was uncomfortable did not help, it made things worse!
She might be more comfortable with homeschooling or a small classroom. This would allow her to build self-confidence and focus more on learning than being miserable and avoiding people. (Speaking from my own personal experience here...)
There might also be a homeschool coop in your area, YMCA/YWCA, Parks and Rec, etc., where she could take small classes that interest her and give her some social interaction when she is ready.
Counseling is also important. I think today they refer to very extreme shyness as social anxiety disorder.
I had (and have) the same problem with my now 16-year-old son. After discussions with his doctor, counselor, and the principal of his High School the decision was made to pull him out of school. He is attending an on-line school. He was suffering with panic attacks, he couldn't sleep, and while at school he really was not learning anything. Turns out he has depression and anxiety disorder.
After removing him from High School his anxiety lessened enough that he can now actually answer the phone when his friends call, and he even went out this past weekend with his friends for 3-4 hours (trust me after him not talking to anyone other then family and the counselor for the past 4 months for him to go out with friends for an afternoon it was wonderful!)
The most important thing to do (imho) is to make sure you have people you can talk to about what is going on, make the best choice for your family and talk to your doctor.
By the way my husbands advice was also to stick it out, it did take my son a month to really talk to his dad again, my husband would not (or could not) understand what he was going through.
My son knows that the ultimate goal is for him to return to school in the next year. He has "small goals" on a weekly basis, order food in a resturant, ask for directions from a stranger, start a conversation with a neighbor, that he has to do. It may not seem like much but slowly I am getting back my child.
Opps I wanted to add a little something, for those of you who are wondering why I had no idea that my son was depressed, didn't I notice a change ect. At home my son was what I thought was behaving in a typical teen manner. I had discussed it with friends and my doctor last fall, and the advice I got was watch him. I did watch him, let him know that I would listen and not judge, talked to his teachers in the classes that he was not doing well in, but I could not change what was happening to him. It was not until the panic attacks started during school that he finally realized that he needed to get help. I spent most of November bringing him to Doctor after Doctor, counselor after counselor until we were able to get the correct diagnois and medication for him. Hang in there, one of his teachers at the High School told me the other day that my son actually smiled and said hi to her when he saw her walking down the street.
It sounds to me that something has happened in your daughter's life to change how she feels about school. This is what you need to discover. How long have you been married to your husband? Could she feel she is not getting enough attention from you? Homeschooling, when done correctly is a huge undertaking and it is worth it, however, if your daughter is not socializing it might not be the best avenue to take unless you are actively involved in a homeschooling network of families. Before this year, did your daughter socialize--have friends over etc? I think she needs to talk to someone about how she is feeling. I wish you all the best.
I have heard that there is a program available that lets High Schoolers take their classes online in their home. You should look into something like that.
I am worried that the more you allow her to be shut in the house away from other people the harder it will be for her to get a job, find a mate, etc.
In the past I suffered from social anxiety. I found it difficult to do things such as shop alone, etc. I still have a hard time in large groups. But I now take a medication for anxiety and it has really helped me alot.
Have you discussed with your daughter's therapist about what they feel would be best for her?
I would be concerned about taking her out of a school and the social situation. Her social phobia will happen to get worse not better. Medicine for anxiety may help with therapy. If her therapist is having a hard time communicating with her you may have to pick a new one or with the medication it may help your daughter to talk to her.
If she his socially challenged it might be helpful to homeschool - perhaps online, but then get her in a TON of activites with other kids who homeschool. Or does she have "RAD"?
Heather
I think the posters advising you against homeschooling are a wee bit uninformed about what homeschooling is all about.
Public School is not the end all of "socialization" and is right now a source of harm for your daughter. Also, there are endless social opportunities for homeschoolers, for someone with a social disorder it may be beneficial for her to socialize in an environment that she sees as safe.
Contrary to what some think you will actually be preparing her for "real life" and college by homeschooling or using a Charter school. I agree that counseling or therapy is a must. You will find out what is at the root of her fears.
I have a severe phobia of snakes. If someone insisted that I spend time in a vat of snakes to "get over it" I would come out more damaged than before. Probably a poor analogy but we here have no idea how your daughter actually feels.
I think you are so sensitive to your daughter's needs. I hope all goes well and that she becomes free of her fears.
Oh, I feel so bad for you and your daughter- that could have been a description of me in 10th grade...
My advice to you is to bring her in to a psychologist to discuss anti-depressants. If she is already in them, it is time to switch or up the dosage.
Social phobia, anxiety, depression... just not fun.
I wish with all my heart my parents had gotten me help before I graduated high school, rather than wait til right after. Drag her kicking and screaming if you have to. It might take ten years for her to thank you, but she will eventually!
Please don't let your daughter's last years of high school be lost to these awful monsters (I always thought of my depression as a monster).
(We also had issues getting what we needed and wanted out of the school. But I think these issues would have seemed less important if I had not been so depressed. I also would have been better able to deal with those people and more clear on what I needed, which might have gotten better results).
I really think it should be less an issue of school vs homeschool, and more an issue of how to help your daughter cope with school and life in general. If counseling is not working, which it would appear it is not, look into the anti-depressants. Therapy did almost nothing for me, but the medication, while not the rosy 100% cure it is sometimes touted to be, certainly has opened up the world to me.
{{{HUGS}}} to you both. If either you or your daughter want to contact me personally, please do so!
I would homeschool. I homeschooled my son in 3rd grade.. he is in 4th garde now and doing awesome. He also had some anxiety and has overcome a lot of that now. I made a lot of my decision based on the school and thier responce also.
There are a lot of Homeschooling that you can get online. We HomeSchooled through a schooling org. called Minnesota Virtual Academy (MNVA) I believe they do K-8, but they have somewhere that they would reccomend you to fo High School. You would be surprised how much your daughter could do herself.
High School is a hard time for may teens and I would think keeping her there will only weeken her self esteem.
My sister Homeschooled herself basically through all of HS.
I really feel for your daughter. Are you sure she isn't being picked on at school? I was picked on a little at school and I didn't want my mom to know. I didn't want her to think less of me or worry about me. She still doesn't know. But my situation wasn't as bad as my brother's. He was picked on a lot and had such extreme anxiety that he couldn't sleep, got sick at the thought of going to school, etc. Then he switched schools and it was like a light went on.
At some point, your daughter will need to face her fears and "live in the world". Maybe a smaller school to help her ease into things would help. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to her therapist, maybe you just need to find a new one.
I wish you and your daughter the best. Please let us all know how it turns out.
I know very little about homeschooling but I did have a similar problem with my son not wanting to be in school. There is some information missing in your letter, you mention a therapist but did not say why you daughter is undergoing counseling. I found that not all therapists are equal. The one who gave us the most understanding and encouragement was one who was very familiar with the public school system. But let me get to the point. What ultimately worked for us was letting my son go to the school of his choice. It happened to be a private school and it was a financial struggle for me and an academic struggle for him but we both held on for that first year (10th grade) and from then on things went so much better. He found friends, he was treated fairly, there were expectations of him and support in meeting those expectations,in short he found his place.
He graduated from St. Thomas Academy in Mendota Heights, earned a 4 year scholarship to the University of Colorado at Boulder, graduated in 4 1/2 years, none of this would have happened if he had not found this wonderful school.
I know it is not the answer for everyone but if you and your daughter could tour several different types of schools, she might find the place where she would feel comfortable and could experience success. And it might be homeschooling. It's important (especially at her age) that she be a part of the decision making process; if it's her informed decision it will be easier for her to commit to it.
Much luck and hang in there; looking back, I'm not sure how we got through those difficult years but we did and you will too.
KD
Hi, I would defenantly pursue therapy support for her and maybe you. Call the school counselor. If that is unreliable reach out for additional professional help. Do you have insurance? Look into sliding scale programs if not. I worked with teens for years and most of them get help if they get aressted or in trouble. Take her somewhere to get her evaluated. Are drugs a factor or conern?? Is she suicidal?? This seems like a mental health issue.Home school may not be able to address any of those problems. Have you thought about private school??Good Luck and Hugs to both of you.
I had a former co-worker, who I was friend, that had the same situation. Her son's grades were falling drastically and trunacy was increasing. He was not happy at all and it was putting a strain on their family. She enrolled him in the Minnesota Virtual High School (you can find them online) and it was a godsend to them. She ended moving her daughter to this program as well a year later. I would check it out - it's free and if I remember right they ship books out and everything. Worth a look definitely if you're considering home schooling.
I have homeschooled for twelve years, and I would highly recommend you doing it. There are co-ops you can join to have a little more social. She can also take some of her classes at the high school. If she is eligible, she could do PSEO (college for free in 11th and 12th grade).
Sharon
I would encourage you to explore homeschooling further. I homeschooled our two children for several years. Our son, I homeschooled from 6-12 grade. Our daughter, I homeschooled from 3-8 grade, then she choose to attend the public high school and had a very good experience. There some homeschooling networks in the Madison area. One is a Catholic homeschooling group, another is a non-denomiational Christian group and there is another which has no religious foundations. There are many homeschooling circulia available, so you could find the materials your daughter needs and is interested in. There are many opportunities for socializing within the homeschooling community, and I would encourage you to participate in those things that follow your daughter's interests or would enrich her studies. Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart, but really quite accessible and workable for those who want the flexibility to tailor their children's education, particularly if the child is having a difficult time in public or private school. I would also encourage your daughter to find other ways to enrich her life experiences other than with video games, TV and passive activities. She may find once she doesn't have the stress of "school" pressing on her, that she has an interest in pursuing other activities, but she may need your encouragement and participation to make that happen. Good luck. It is a difficult road to navigate when your child is struggling with school. Don't give up, whatever your decision is, you only have her for another couple of years. It will go by so fast, and how you support her now will make a big difference down the road.