The great TACO theft

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1

My 6th grade daughter got in trouble at school yesterday. Never in her 7 years at this school has she so much as gotten a warning and now she may have detention. Over something SO freaking stupid. I know she's NOT perfect, I'm not that delusional. I just feel like she's getting the SHAFT in this whole deal. You tell me what you think.

Apparently a girl got tacos brought to her by her Mom, who was volunteering in the library that day.
My daughter sat across from this girl with the taco''s and next to a another girl. The 2nd girl proceeded to take one of this girls tacos and ate it. My daughter ate a CRUMB that fell off this taco. The girl complained to her Mom that my daughter and the other girl took her taco and ate it. The Mom told the teacher, the teacher called both girls down to the library a few hours after lunch.
She asked them if "something" happened at lunch today. A very general question. They said "no" nothing happened at lunch. Teacher asked them…did you take something that didn't belong to you?. My daughter said "Yes, the other girl took her taco" I don't know if the other girl lied or admitted to it. The teacher asked "Have you ever taken anyone's food before?" Again a very general question...They said Ummm no. Apparently last week or last month they took fries off this girls plate(My daughter says she was going to throw them away, NOW the girl says she was still eating them.) My daughter admitted it to eating some fries off the tray when they asked the specific question…but because she "lied" to the original question to the teacher she's now in trouble. Let's be really honest here...the "Official" policy is no sharing food. You sit 5 seconds in that cafeteria and there is sharing/splitting/trading etc. Been there seen it.

I'm pretty pissed off. Because she "lied" to the teacher about it, she's going to get "more than just a strike"…detention or something. The sheet they sent home says that my daughter took the taco, ate the taco and then lied 2x about it. I told my daughter I was NOT signing the sheet cause it was not true. She said "Mom you have to sign it" I asked her is what's written on this paper true, cause I'm not signing it if it's not true? If it's true I'll sign it. She said "No Mom I never lied about it" She had no reason to lie at that point. She knew that if I didn't sign it, I'd be talking to her teacher. If I did sign it, end of story..

I spoke to both teachers this morning (the girl's teacher and my daughters teacher) Her teacher says that he heard my daughter "change" her story. Though he was not there for the beginning of the questioning. My issue is that they initially asked a very general question. When they asked a SPECIFIC question she answered it. My daughters teacher admitted when I asked on the phone that my daughter has NEVER done anything like this and its VERY unlike her. That she was put in a very awkward place being asked this question in front of the other girl. He knows that my daughter is very quiet and shy and doesn't speak up for herself. Something that we are working on.

It REALLY doesn't help that this girl with the tacos doesn't like my daughter and has made that clear to her. They used to be friends. She knows my daughter didn't take the taco. The teachers admit to knowing that my daughter didn't take the taco.

Again I know my daughter is not perfect, however, I do NOT like how this was handled. My daughter had one dropped crumb and now she's gotten into trouble. I don't like that the other "incident" with the fries is now being brought up as "proof" that they did this and are lying about it. I don't like that they say she lied, because the original questions were very generic.

I don't know yet what her punishment is. What is your perspective how would you handle this, would you let it go? Would you take it further? The aren't in trouble for anything but the "lies" to the teacher.

I told my daughter she should take these as "Lesson learned"from this situation:

1 Don't EVER take or touch something that doesn't belong to you, even if someone else "did it first"

2 You HAVE to SPEAK up and defend yourself, cause NO ONE else will.

3 Don't share food period then you never have to explain your actions

2

You need to use the word debacle or kerfuffle, just sounds better than theft. :stuck_out_tongue:

I used to be a cafeteria aid, a fancy way of saying I opened milk cartons. Anyway, what I tended to see was everything was fine until mom was involved. What I mean is, is it possible that the girl shared the taco, everyone was fine, then mom asked how she liked the tacos and little Cindy said they were great! Judy had one too! And mom flipped a nut! Not like mom could say Cindy didn’t mind since there is a no sharing rule, maybe mom was afraid Cindy would get in trouble for sharing.

All I know is with dealing with grade school kids the truth is no somewhere in the middle, the truth is smushing all the stories together, taking out the overlap and there is what is missing.

3

My kids school went with the policy of not having food brought in. Like pizza and tacos. I agree this was handled wrong. Alot of drama. I am curious what the punishment will be. Seems overkill to me.

4

I assume the original point was that kids shouldn’t share or take food. A simple reminder at the time of the ‘event’ should have managed that.

The teacher was setting the kids up to lie. Since she ‘knew’ what happened she never should have tried to entrap them. In fact there are very strict rules about entrapment for law enforcement to use for adults. It also sounds like the entire thing was blown way out of proportion.I certainly don’t see how any sort of punishment at this point will teach any sort of lesson.

I would personally request a meeting with the teacher and her principal. Their interrogation methods are really inappropriate. If you asked me if I had ever taken food - there is an excellent chance I would omit mention of the fries I ate off DH’s plate last month. Would I be in trouble too.

There is going to be PUNISHMENT? Seriously? They give 7 year olds detention? I keep reading this over and over I am just completely flabbergasted about how ridiculous it is.

5

I think you are making it difficult on your daughter by getting all riled over it. I would downplay the whole thing as much as possible if I were you. You are just adding fuel to the fire with your indignation (for example, it sounds like you were stressing your daughter out by telling her you won’t sign the stupid school form).

The whole thing sounds dumb… you are definitely in the right to think she is sort of being unjustly accused, or dragged under the bus for something she had very minor involvement in. But you are also making it a little worse by making such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like its going on her permamnent record here. You know she didn’t take the taco, teacher knows she didn’t take the taco, everyone knows she didn’t take the taco. But for whatever reason she is being called to the carpet on her involvement with the fiasco, so just let her take her lumps and move on (a detention or whetever it is). Save the big guns for when you really need 'em.

6

I think this is totally crazy but have had similar issues with my son. When there is someone that does not like your child a lot of times they will try to get the other kid in trouble when they think they can. The teacher should have worded the question differently cause if the girls did not know what she was talking about they may have thought nothing of it. And not realizing what the teacher was talking about inadvertently “lied”. If she get’s punished for it don’t worry about it you know she did not do wrong but unfortunately sometimes innocent people are found guilty.

7

To me the bigger issue is that your daughter didn’t speak up when the girl next to her took the taco. By taking the crumb she was a participant. I don’t think the issue here is sharing food at all, but bullying. One girl taking food from another, and your daughter siding with the girl who took the taco. I’m not saying that your daughter is a bully, but the kids who stand by while bullying happens are just as much a problem.

8

What a cry’n shame. If you can afford to, it would be great to homeschool her. The public schools get away with outrageous things against kids and against parents alike. I personally would not let this one go, I would probably become such a thorn in their side (0: but in a decent way…I would stand up for the truth, and keep standing.
As far as lies being the heinous crime, well, jeez, I think there is a bit of fabrication from the teachers and other kids involved too.

Perhaps you can offer to make things better, yourself, by bringing in tacos for all the little girls involved. Sometimes, it is better to offer an olive branch, that to take the other road and beat a horse. The school would rather beat a horse, than to show love. But acts of kindness, show children how to be compassionate, even to those who have “wronged” them (in this case your DD was wronged by being falsly accused and the other girl was wronged by having her taco stolen by child #2). My suggestion would be to ask the girls to make up/say sorry, (even if it is just to aknowledge hurt feelings- not to admit to the crime but to admit the fact that you can understand her feelings)… and for them to have a taco party together. it always worked in the olden days.

9

Mom, you need to check your attitude. You are taking this personally. You are making your daughter feel worse than needed. Yes, she lied or did not tell the whole truth. This is now the consequences, she has brought on herself. Allow her to make amends. Allow her to own up to it. Do not try to save her. She needs to know she can do this.

At our daughters school, the rule at lunch is NO SHARING> EVER> This was the way they kept the kids in check and from confusion about “did you follow the rules of no sharing?”

I would also be upset by this whole situation, BUT, I would remind our daughter, since I was not there and she was, SHE is the one that needs to ALWAYS tell the truth, even if it means telling the truth and then explaining.. "I took 1 crumb. I only took those fries when she told me she did not want the rest. " Even if she were to get into trouble, at least she knows SHE told the whole truth.

What is the exact wording about food and sharing in the cafeteria?

We cannot be heard if we do not speak up..
This is one of those lessons she needs to learn.. Otherwise, people are always going to walk all over her, or misunderstand her. This is a safe place for her to learn this.. and not later when she is stopped by the Police for “stealing” when in reality, she had permission.

We cannot control others with their actions and their words, but we can be responsible for ours..

Even when in elementary school.. Again, this is part of attending school, is learning to take responsibilities for our own actions. It is just as important as reading writing and math..

10

I don’t think detention at whatever grade she’s in that has lunch monitors is going to affect her college admissions.

Take a breath, and let her see how the other side lives - in detention. :slight_smile:

11

Ask for a teacher conference. Come in open minded and put you thoughts forward in a non-confrontational way. They may just be trying to please the squeaky wheel, so if you prove you wont just go away in a way that doesn’t try to start a fight, they will most likely deal with the problem fairly.

12

I like you would be furious with the school. I’m am one of the most protective momma bears alive. I probably would have to talk myself away from the ledge before even dealing with the school and give my rational mind a chance to respond and react.

I believe you have done all you can do. Wait and see what her “punishment” is if any. And she should never share or taste to do anything with anyone’s food again. No matter how seemingly innocent. Lesson learned.

This lesson makes me very sad because growing up in my grammer school we often traded and shared lunches. It was awesome.

13

Your child may NOT be strong enough to be a bully, but she’s hanging out with a bully. If you want her to be a better person, she needs better guidance.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED, TO RECAP:

Your daughter is not a bully, her friend is?

Your daughter is not a taco thief, her friend is?

This is not the first time something like this has happened?

Your daughter and her friend always sit at their designated table and the girl with the tacos, even though lunch room is monitored and her mother was volunteering near by that day, sits anywhere she wants?

Would it be possible for your or your husband to volunteer every now and then at lunch when your daughter doesn’t know? Then you could observe for yourself.

Your daughter and her friend were participating in mild bullying and didn’t get away with it. Her friend may have eaten the WHOLE taco, but your daughter was guilty by association. She may need to re-think who her friends are.

To tell your child “Don’t Share” food is very sad.

You weren’t there so you don’t know “exactly” what happened. It seems like you have had a long talk with your daughter and will decide what kind of punishment is fair. Once that is done, I would let it go.

14

wrong or not wrong i would let my kid attend detention. some things are worth taking a stand over, 15 minutes- an hour of her life in detention will not have any long lasting affect on her.

it sounds like they arent friends. cant they rearrange their lunch seats?

sharing food happens always in school but it doesnt sound like she wanted her taco taken? even if emmy didnt take the taco and just a crumb i’d tell her that no matter if she likes the person being bullied or not she should stand up for them. even if its at tiny as just taking a taco. even if she just says a simple “thats not cool”

the kid got her lunch taken, and i’m sure your daughter pribably giggledand took the crumb

not a big deal but neither is detention

15

I wouldn’t take it any further.
I’m sorry but unless you were there you don’t know what really happened, or what was really said, no matter WHAT your daughter told you.
You seem very defensive and are way over thinking this, IMO. Kids get in trouble all the time, and the it’s not always fair, but guess what, that’s life. This will be a good lesson for her, and she’ll think about touching other kids’ food in the future.

16

The teachers admitted they know she didn’t take the taco??? Then that should be the end of it. No punishment. If they tried to punish my child for something she didn’t do, I would be down there in a heartbeat complaining to the principal, head of school board etc. The only thing that should have been done is simply talk to the girls involved and tell them that its not ok to eat someone else’s food.—even if they don’t want it anymore etc.

I would definitely pursue it. Wrong is wrong and I wouldn’t stand for it. If your daughter is punished for something she didn’t do, she will lose faith in the system and school. I would also be speaking with the teachers—they handled it wrong. Good luck

17

When I first read your post I read the 7 and assumed 7 years old. But now I see she’s been there 7 years so I assume 6th grade. In that case, let it go. Her teachers know she’s a good kid but she’s not a baby anymore and can deal with this. At that age, she likely knew what they were getting at with their questions if the taco owner raised any kind of fuss at the time. I agree with you to teach her to speak up for herself and not share food if it’s that big a friggin’ issue at her school but also to watch herself with certain people. It’s a learning experience that some people will make a mountain out of a molehill and if this girl is one of those and doesn’t like your daughter anymore, then she’s got to be particularly careful. One detention isn’t a huge deal and won’t go on her permanent record so I’d let it go. I’d also tell your daughter that sometimes things aren’t fair (as I’m sure you have many times) and this is one of those times but you also have to pick your battles. So unless your daughter is super upset, be done with it. And hate to say it but you weren’t there so can’t really be sure what was said. I certainly lied at that age a little and also was a “very good kid”, never in trouble in school etc.

18

Yeah, they set up your child or any child to lie. I teach Sunday School to kids this age and their moral choices mean a lot to me. And I would never call that lying. I would rarely call anything lying at this age because they are not usually in that mindset and it matters to them what i think of them. She did what most adults would do and not connect the dots between the pointed questions and eating a crumb off of a taco!

Lesson #4 some adults are just plain wrong.
Lesson #5 it doesn’t matter what other people call you or wrongly believe you to be. It matters what you are…a honest, sweet, brave little girl.

Whether or not she got a detention would be your answer about taking it any farther. Next up, meeting with teacher and principal.

Edit: I also thought 7 years old! My lessons still stand.

19

It sounds like everyone is asking the girls who got in trouble a lot of loaded questions. When adults think they know all of the answers and have it in their heads what the answers “should” be, anything else is a “lie.” Your daughter and her friend were put on the spot without being told why they were there in the first place. That was kind of sneaky on the adults’ part.

Then there’s the fact that Taco Girl lumped your daughter in with the Taco Thief. Guilt by association. Okay, well, that’s not my real issue. My REAL issue is that your daughter didn’t stand up for herself to tell what actually happened if she indeed really only “ate just a crumb.”

I think it’s also a bit ridiculous to bring up French fries from a month ago no matter what happened. It’s too far past the event for it to be proof of anything.

I’m thinking I would have a follow up conversation with my child without asking leading questions or trap questions (questions that assume guilt or innocence one way or the other). I would want to make absolutely certain that she’s telling the truth. Then I would have a follow up conversation with the principal explaining what actually happened according to my child, and that having her called a liar and how the situation was handled was disappointing and upsetting to me. I would insist that she not have a detention over this.

I would also direct my child not to sit with Taco Girl again. Stay away from her. Whatever is going on, they’re just not friends any longer. Girls in middle school are angsty, moody, and overly sensitive. There’s no need to continue the situation by creating more incidents where your daughter is just “there” guilty by association.


EDIT:  Okay, I'm sorry, but I have to respectfully but firmly disagree that the OP's daughter deserves a punishment as a so-called accomplice to a theft.  The other girl should not have stolen the taco, and the OP's daughter should have commented that it was the wrong thing to do.  Yes, we're trying to teach our children that being a bystander to bullying is wrong.  

But I DO NOT think that this incident warrants a harsh punishment such as being labeled a liar and having a detention.  Just because the school handled things poorly and enacted a harsh punishment that doesn't mean the harsh punishment has to stick.  Even in the real world, when a court is proven wrong or too harsh, a judge can lessen a sentence and even apologize to people.  It doesn't happen often enough, but it does happen.
20

I agree that the way it was handled was a bit overboard… and that the “questioning” was very open ended and set up the girls to unwittingly lie (“ever taken food?”). Kids just don’t think like criminals under interrogation or on the witness stand. They live more in the moment. That part was overkill

However, at this point, if you have talked to the teacher already and the teacher knows your daughter didn’t take the taco, and was more or less a side incident (and the lie thing reminds me of political investigations— keep asking questions until you are caught in a lie about something not relevant to the actual investigation…), then I would just accept the detention or punishment they hand out.
BUT, I would also ask that the seating arrangement be addressed, so that your daughter and this girl in the other class are not seated together in the future. Sounds like this is not the first incident, and it might just be easier on everybody if they don’t sit together in the future. Particularly if they USED to be friends and now aren’t and this girl doesn’t like your daughter. She may be looking for ways to tempt or trick her into trouble. And your daughter, being the quiet type, is apt to get caught in a web of mess every time.
I know kids need to learn to deal with these situations, but lunch time should be a time to eat in peace, and not be stressed. It is bad for digestion.