What's the best way to teach your child about Stranger Danger without inhibiting their new found friendliness. My 3 year old has always been a shy one when it came to people. Since we had the new baby in the house she has blossomed into this wonderful, friendly, outgoing little girl! We go to the park and she instantly makes friends with the other children. We go to the store and she waves and smiles at everyone. It is truely sweet and makes us happy that she has broken out of her shy shell. But we are a tiny bit worried that she maybe a little too friendly. How do we go about teaching her that she should never go off with someone other than family? My husband has talked to her many times about this but I'm not too sure if it has sunk in. She can be so agreeable at times, and we are concerned that she can easily be pulled away with the promise of treats. We always keep a close eye on her so we're not afraid of this happening when we are with her. But how do we teach her to be a little more cautious without her loosing too much of her new found Innocence?
There's a terrific DVD out there associated with John Walsh called The Safe Side. It does a super job of teaching kids safety around strangers without being scary. In fact, there's a lot of humor to it. Both of our kids enjoyed it.
My daughters absolutely love this video. It's created by Julie Clark, the creator of Baby Einstein, and sponsored by John Walsh (of America's Most Wanted). It teaches your child about stranger danger and it's very entertaining for them. My kids watch it all the time for fun (they are ages 4 & 7, and we've had the video for a few years).
My daughters now know what to do in various situations, which gives me great peace of mind!
We also do a lot of role playing in our house. I will pretend I'm a stranger and we will 'act out' a scenario. We also do fire drills, tornado drills, etc.
We are just super honest with them. My son is the same as your daughter. He talks to everyone and invites them to come with us on our walks and stuff like that. He's super social and loving.
I've had a sit down talk with them and told them how great it is that they like people and like to talk to them. But if anyone ever tries to make them follow them and leave us, that they shouldn't do it. I told them that there are bad people out there who will try to take children away from their parents and keep them so that they can never see their parents again. I said that often these people seem really nice and might have a treat or something fun that they'll want, but it's VERY important that they do not ever leave us. They need to stay in our line of sight so that people can't take them away. I told them what to do if anyone ever grabs them and runs away from them - they should fight and scream and scream that "this is not my mommy" and stuff like that.
Our kids were surprised that people do that and they would say things like "oh my gosh! really! they take kids?" but it wasnt' something that has scared them or make them paranoid. It's just made them aware of the reality of life when it comes to this. My son hasn't become less social because of it. He still talks to everyone. He's just aware now. So, that's what I suggest - tell her the reality of the situation so she understands the importance of never leaving you and going with someone she doesn't know...or anyone she DOES know, without asking you first.
These conversations, I think, are the toughest things we have to do as parents!
It is hard to tell your children that their bad people out there who steal children and do bad things to them...but it is a conversation that you have to have.
~For the most part I kept the conversation light at that age...but when they get a lil' bit older like 5-7 I have been more honest with my kids and tried my best to explain the seriousness without scarring the crap out of them. I am not sure if it the right thing or not but I have taught my kids to fight and kick and scream like bloody murder if anyone lays their hands on them?!
*This makes my stomach hurt!
I have run into this problem with my almost 5 year old. She is a bright, outgoing child that loves to tell everyone about her day. Unfortunately she would have an entire conversation with the stranger next to us at the grocery store if I let her. There are people I don't mind her talking to that I may not know like anyone from church (we are fairly new to our church so we don't know everyone yet). I have told her that she can speak with other kids on the playground but she is not to leave the playground without me or daddy. At stores she can only speak to the people that work there - for instance we tell her that the only people she can talk to at Home Depot are the people wearing the orange aprons or the red shirts with nametags at Target. If I give her someone she can talk to then she is less likely to talk to someone she shouldn't. We also have a safety word. It's a secret work that only people who are allowed to take her places can say. They have to give her the word and she will know its okay. We did this for school one day because of an incident involving a custody issue at one of the other campuses. She can't even go with the grandparents unless they give the secret word and it in her school file as well. We've never had to use it but will change it whenever we do. Treats are a no-no without express permission from us and she know she will lose massive priveledges if she takes anything without asking.
We have the safe side video too and my kids love it! It's entertaining yet teaches them a lot!
Hello, nikki If you see parents around the child maybe walk up to them and say,'' HI, im nikki is this your child?'' , then you can probaly have some play dates!
teach her a "safe word" or phrase, so she knows that if the person doesnt know the safe word of phrase, she knows not to go with them. if you want to make certain that your child is always safe from someone whos intentions may not be what they seem, always make certain a family member or close friend is always available to the child, and you know where they are at all times. pedophiles are monsters but they are also pretty lazy, they are not going to hang around an always accompanied child,waiting for an oppurtunity, they are lazy, not stupid.
karin h.
Don't worry about whether she is shy or not. I truly think that is a blessing when they are too small to grasp stranger danger. It is probably a primordial trait instilled in us to keep us safe until we're at an age of reason. I personally think it's a mistake to encourage your child to be comfortable around strangers who are not family.
JMO at age 3 and probably all the way up to about age 8, I have found kids do not have a clue about stranger danger. In a former career, I worked with police to see just how children would react to strangers and whether they'd know what to do. All of these children mind you, had been drilled relentlessly by their parents about stranger danger, so we expected them to handle themselves well.
Nope. Every kid tested (with parent permission) from age 3 to about 8, walked off with the "fake" (undercover officer) stranger.
With that said, you can't drill them enough, because there will always come a situation where you can not be with them. But until they are really old enough to handle themselves, your best bet is to never let them be in a situation where they will have to test their skills.
Recently in my area, an 8 year-old girl was abducted by a man from a laundromat. She was left in the care her older 10-year-old sister while their mother was busy washing, folding, drying etc. The stranger asked the 8-year-old if she wanted to see one of his puppies (I think he was making them think he was selling them?) Did the 8-year-old think to walk away? No. Did the 10-year-old think to tell her to stay by mom? NO. Instead, the 10-year-old watched her sister walk out of the laundromat with the man, so she could look into his car for said puppy. In a flash, she was shoved into the car, and abducted.
Several hours later, after an Amber Alert, the girl was found wandering in a neighborhood 30 miles from the laundromat. The stranger assaulted her, but she managed to escape from his home. Good samaritans returned her to police. The man was arrested, and police later found evidence (home made porn) that he'd been doing this sort of thing for a while... possibly picking up kids at local parks, shopping areas and anywhere else unsuspecting parents and kids could be found.
I tell you...this is a story to send chills up any parent's spine. These kids were pretty big. Now imagine a trusting toddler. I say no way to the idea of teaching kids to be social with strangers. I'm certain most kooks do not act or look like kooks. Most get away with their crimes for a long time because they know people under estimate their tactics or worry too much about being over protective "helicopter parents."
Sorry, but there is no formula to determine who is criminal and who isn't. Predators bank on that and thrive on that. Kooks can be the nice dad with his own toddler in the park. Kooks can be the mailman who in time knows your schedule and your habits and will use that to make his or her next move, or the nice retiree next door who seems like a harmless grandfather type who is just lonely.
I say if she starts thinking everyone is okay because you encourage her to interact with everyone she meets, then you might have trouble. I think it's too hard to distinguish between family, friends, and strangers when they're really young too. You might be better off giving her specific names of who is okay to talk to. And even then, still stress what is inappropriate behavior because we all know that sadly sometimes we can't even trust close family and friends. As for meeting up with families in the park, I'd still exercise caution. You don't know these people. There are tons of stories of abducted kids being held by people claiming to be their family. I know extreme, but short of you doing an on the spot background check, I'd only associate with people/families I knew well.
This is just a really tough topic to teach the young...so IMO...it's up to the parent to be extra-vigilent...not us to put the responsibility on the child by expecting them to be able to discern a good situation versus a bad one. We'd do better to prevent the situations from cropping up in the first place. And a good start is by teaching them to be cautious with those we do not know...even if it may come off as though they are being rude. In this day and age, most adults who are normal in the head would understand. Otherwise, be wary.
I agree about a video tape aimed at young kids. There was a Winnie-the-Pooh stranger safety video produced a few years ago that was very good for the toddler set. You might be able to find it on amazon.com. Just type in Winnie the Pooh and stranger danger. I have the SAFE SIDE video produced by John Walsh. It is very good, but I think a toddler will not grasp some of the concepts as well as something like the Winnie video. John Walsh's video is great for kids from about age 6 and up. JMO.
Another really good video for kids from ages 5 through high school is one produced by a company called Video Match, and is titled "Kids and Strangers." I think, but not I'm not totally sure since I'm going from memory, it was produced by a police department in California. It's excellent! I think the best I've seen on the topic. What I really like is it is put together in such a way that parents can censor information so it's age appropriate for younger kids.
Be aware this video pulls no punches about stranger danger, and addresses everything from street smarts, familial and stranger predators, internet safety, and more in an honest and real way. There are no fun and games, it's all business, which I think is very effective, even for the very young in helping them to understand the seriousness of personal safety. It also has a portion dedicated to self-defense. See:
We taught our kids to not talk to anyone they didn't know unless they were with a grown up they knew. The definition of grown up is a bit lax in that it could mean the older kid we know we can trust that's in charge while they play in the playground while the adults are sitting near by visiting or something while at a group activity. We taught them to never take something from someone they didn't know unless the grown up said it was OK.
We had to be a little blunt with our oldest finally because he just didn't get it. We did have to come right out and tell him that most people are really nice people but sometimes there might be someone who wants to hurt you and since you don't know you have to be safe.
Please don't teach children about stranger danger. Read Lenore Skenazy's book "Free-Range Kids" for all the statistics to back it up.
Long story short: the people most likely to harm your children are people they know. The people most likely to help your children are strangers. Children have died because they hid from rescuers, too afraid of "strangers" to allow anyone to help them.
I teach my kids that groups are generally safer than isolation. I teach them that I should always know where they are and who they're with. Anyone who wants them to go to a secret place and not tell anyone probably does not have their best interests in mind. This is true whether it is a stranger, a relative, a teacher, or another child.
I also encourage kids to talk to people in public. We practice reading body language and getting some experience of who is open and friendly vs. who is erratic and/or cranky. These are skills they need to practice. These are skills that serve them well. If they are ever lost, injured, or scared, they need to be able to identify who is most likely to be helpful, walk up to them, and ask for help.
This means that the next time they get lost at the department store, they are comfortable enough to go up to an adult and say "I lost my mommy. Will you help me find her?" instead of hiding in the middle of a clothing rack.
I also encourage my kids to trust their instincts and be willing to challenge adults if necessary. If they feel that someone is unsafe or mean, they are trained and willing to go to another adult for help.
I will note that kids who are always willing to go to a higher authority can be a bit of a pain. My 6 year old called 911 to complain to the police that I was making him do chores! We had to clarify that he could complain to the police only if there was a safety problem. But it was all worked out. And I was glad to know that he was willing and able to call 911 if necessary.
The only time we discuss "strangers" is when we discuss courtesy. We give strangers more physical space and are always extra-polite with people we don't know. This is because most strangers feel uncomfortable when a three year old walks up to them and says "That's such a pretty purse. Can you show me what you have inside? How much money are you carrying? Do you have any credit cards? Can I count them?" I also teach my kids not to snuggle with strangers, because it usually makes them very uncomfortable. Though my primary goal in this is simply courtesy, it also helps kids get used to the idea of appropriate physical and emotional boundaries with strangers. In this way, kids learn to recognize that overly friendly behavior from an adult is odd, and worthy of mentioning to another adult.
So a summary:
1. No secrets.
2. Be willing to talk to people and ask for help.
3. If an adult or kid is making you feel weird, uncomfortable, or unsafe, find another adult and ask for help.
4. Give people you don't know extra space, because getting too close tends to make people uncomfortable.
I have a super-social child, so I'm looking forward to reading all the answers, but I want to add the importance of teaching your child to trust her gut and listen to that icky feeling we all get when our instincts tell us something is wrong. I'm specifically applying this to NON-stranger danger. Over 70% of incidents of abuse, etc. happen with someone the child KNOWS, at least in passing - so "stranger behavior" skills won't help much if it's a neighbor, family member, acquaintance of the family, etc.
If any moms out there know of some books, videos, etc. that deal with the issue of non-stranger danger and how to communicate THAT without ruining their childhood, I'd love to hear about it.
I also recommend THE SAFE SIDE video. My husband ordered for our son when he was about 6 years old. It teaches them alot and keeps their attention. We also have role played and talked to our boys about strangers and what they should do.
My daughter is 4 now and I talk to her every day about it. I couple it with teaching her full name, our names and where we live (state and city). I started doing this the day after I tried the 'hide if they wander' technique. Where if you're in the store and they wander off you follow them, but hide and see how they react. I followed her around the store for 30mins and she didn't even notice I wasn't with her. She was more then happy to wander around and chat with strangers. I knew then I had to take precautions.
Every few days I ask her out of the blue what her name is, what our names are, where she lives. It's like a game, I keep it light, no heavy sit down or long talk. I've added asking her if someone comes up to her that she doesn't know comes to her and tries to get her to go with them what does she do. She's catching on finally.
Good luck.
I would also recommend checking out www.safelyeverafter.com. Patti Fitzgerald is the owner and speaker and she talks to parents and children on "Tricky People" and just has great things to help parents not be so paranoid, because she teaches you what to look for and she teaches kids without instilling a fear of the world, but just keeping safe. She does talks, and can also come to a group of people and do a presentation for kids and/or parents. I have been to it a couple of times (one in a mommy & me class, and one time on my own).
Erin
That is so awesome!! I didn’t know about that video. I called my husband and he looked it up. It has great reviews so he’s going to buy it and we’ll all sit down for movie night and watch it while munching on popcorn. Thanks ladies!! It makes me feel better to know there is a tool to help us find the right words. 3 years old is too young to fear the world. I want my child to be careful, but not fear every shadow. I think this will help!!!