I have a step-son who is 8 1/2. He is a sweet kid and he has a lot of friends. He and my kids get along great. But he acts incredibly young for his age. He doesn't just talk in baby-talk (he does this too), but he flaps his arms, and runs like a tiny kid, makes little babbling noises and squeals, and it drives me crazy! I don't know why it triggers me so badly, but I really have a hard time with it. I know other kids who talk in baby-talk sometimes, but this is very consistent and across the board. (At least when I'm with him). And his father doesn't seem to notice or be bothered by it at all. I've brought it up with him and he said he suspects that when he was younger, life was easier for him and maybe he is just wishing for that easier time. Could be. I wonder if he is looking for more attention. Sadly, I can't seem to give it to him when he's acting that way. I can barely look at him when he is doing that arm flapping thing. I feel horrible about it, I want to be a positive person in his life. I would be so grateful if I could figure out a way to encourage a different strategy for him to get what he needs. He won't talk about anything if he's upset. I try to guess what might be wrong, but he won't answer. Recently, his mother has been showing up at school at 3:00 on days that I am picking him up. She has work to do there, but I don't think she needs to come at that particular time. The last time she did it, he was really upset for a couple of hours after we left school, crying and just feeling low. I asked him if it was hard for him to see her when he didn't get to go home with her, and he said no. I asked him if he could tell me what was bothering him and he said no. I kept saying that I really want to be able to help him, but I don't know what to do if he won't talk to me. We stopped to do errands on the way home, and got back in the car and after a while he started just writhing around in his seat, squirming and his face was all twisted up. He wasn't exactly crying, but it seemed like he really wanted me to notice how badly he was feeling. Which I said to him. And I said that I could see he was feeling really strongly about something, and that it might help if he could tell me what it was. I regret this, but I said something like, "I can't help you if you don't talk to me. You can either tell me what's going on so I can try to help, or please stop acting like that." Then he said he wasn't sad anymore, and he straightened up and stopped squirming, but then really started to cry. I softened up, told him again that I really wanted to help, and he told me that he missed his hamsters. (At his mom's house.)
His mom is really difficult. I suspect that she's narcissistic, she certainly acts it, and I doubt that there's much room for him to be a person, and to have his own needs and feelings. I don't know how to deal with her, and how to help him feel safe. I don't want to fake it, I think that he would be able to see right through me and in any case, I want to have an honest relationship with him. Any ideas?
Wow, so many factors could be coming into play. The child is living a situation that has probably been difficult for him, and it is possible that this is the whole source. But much of the behavior also reminds me of what I see in children on the autistic spectrum, like my son, who has Aspergers.
How is his schoolwork? Are there any concerns reflected there, that might get the school district to perform an evaluation? Most schools can provide access to counseling and other services for children who qualify, but the key is getting someone to say they qualify.
Otherwise, a place to start is with the child's pediatrician. Note that you are concerned about certain behaviors, and are wondering if either of the following would be appropriate: an evaluation for a spectrum disorder, or a referral for counseling, or both.
Personally, I wouldn't start with any assumptions that this is a behavior problem, because there are so many potential triggers. And I wouldn't assume you can or should try to resolve it all by yourself. Sometimes we really need to accept the help our community partners can provide us. Invite the school, the doctor, and others onto your team, if you can get your husband and his ex to agree to it. It is crucial to find the root of the problem, I think, since clearly the boy is having a difficult time.
First of all, we women have to remember that girls love to talk, but boys don't. They express themselves through activity. The best way sometimes to get a boy to talk is to play with him-a game, a sport, play catch, or something he likes to do. And when he does talk, don't expect any long conversations. Listen carefully to whatever he says. Your husband MUST be involved in this process, his son needs him to be completely involved-it takes a man to teach a boy how to become a man. God bless you for being such a caring step-mom.
just a thought - but have you ever researched Asperger's syndrome? It is a form of autism and I know that the arm flapping is one sign.
You should absolutely have him checked for sensory integration problems or Asperberger's Syndrome. His flapping, his baby-like behavior as well as his lack of responsiveness are all strong characteristics of sensory integration issues. If these issues were not attended to as a toddler it could begin to manifest much more strongly as he gets older. Please have him checked.
Some of your step-son's behaviors sound autistic in nature. Arm flapping is a red flag! Also, his difficulty communicating, but perhaps even understanding his feelings sound very reflective of a social communication deficit. How does he do in school? You say that he has lots of friends, but in what capacity? You have children of your own? Are they in the same age range? How do they seem to compare behaviorally and emotionally.
I would do some research or contact his school/classroom teacher and see if they have concerns as well. Also, a school guidance counselor may be able to help him if he is just having some difficulty with this divorce and his transitioning from one house to the other.
You don't need to do this alone. There a plenty of supports available and schools may be a great place to start for help and/or resources in the community.
Kris (Speech-Language Pathologist and Autism Spectrum Specialist)
He has found which buttons that he can push! Try skipping those errands and go directly home. He is tired. Sit with him and ask how his day was, make him some cozy hot chocolate with marshmellows. Let him have needed down time. He sounds overloaded to me. I had two boys and a daughter, and I'm 56. Now a grandma, I can't explain to my own daughter, but forget for awhile how you feel for one month. See how this flips around for you. You are trying too hard and making life far too serious for him to digest. Be thrilled that he moves and can speak and has emotions! What gifts! Take a breath and assume that you can't fix everything, but just sit with him silently. He will change.
I am a therapist and what you are describing is autism or aspergers syndrome please take him to be assessed by a developmental pediatrician asap
I just read this after answering your other post...and I must say: You sound mean. You sound like someone who is still unsure of being a step mom, maybe even still conflicted about your feelings towards your husband's ex and is taking it out on his son. I hope you work things out.