I'm not sure what to think about my 13 yr old Step Daughter keeping a picture of my husband and his X-wife in her bedroom. When I was dating my husband 3 yrs ago he called me to tell me his x-wife was tearing up their wedding picture and his daughter was very upset. I told him I still have old family & wedding pictures tucked away to give to my kids later on when they're older & they can decide what to do with them. I told him I plan on giving my old wedding ring to my daughter when she graduate from high school. After all that was the union that create her and she still loves both her parents even though we are no longer together. My Husband liked what I said and called his x and she gave his daughter the old pictures and wedding bouquet. My step daughter keeps the bouquet in her room which is fine with me, but just recently dug up a box containing an old wedding picture of them and now displays it on her night stand. It feels weird to have that picture of them in my house. I don't have a problem with her keeping it tucked away somewhere, but don't want it displayed in my home. They are no longer together, that is the past and it is time to let go. They have been divorced 4 yrs and we have been married 2 yrs. Is there anyone that has dealt with this situation & what do you think is the best way to handle it?
Hi Sharon,
Something to think about, that is her Dad and her Mom. You might address the issue by giving her a photo of you and her Dad as well. Or, be honest, but I think it is less about you and more about her.
Kind regards,
Taffy
I would let her keep it in her room. Her room is hers and as long as she isn't putting it anywhere other then her room I wouldn't think there would be a problem. Maybe try to see it through her eyes. She is only 13. That is just my opinion. Hope I don't offend you & Hope you find a solution to this dilemma soon :)
This is a hard one to handle - emotionally. I would let her keep it in her room. I can understand that it would hurt your feelings, but you are the step-mom. She was only 9 years old when her parents became divorced - she probably misses her mom or atleast the memories of them being together. I was really young (2years old) when my parents divorced, but my step-dad is my dad. And my biological father knows it too....he didn't come back into my life till after I was 18. I don't see any reason why it would be a problem for her to have her parents displayed in her room. It's not like she is putting it on the mantel in the living room. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your step-daughter. Do you have a good relationship with her? Do you have a mother and daughter relationship or just a step-mom and step-daughter relationship. Something to think about too. Also - I don't know if this could be, but she is pre-teen. Going through changes in herself and she sees her mom as safe and calming for her. Who does she call on for help? You can be a loving supportive mother figure for her too....but you can't take over the image of her mom either. So, I would take a look at what kind of relationship you have with her and talk with your husband and see where he stands on about the picture. Good luck...I hope it all works out.
You don't mention how your relationship is with your stepkids, and in particular with this one step daughter. As much as you're holding on to your old wedding pictures for your kids, after all they were the good things that happened as a result of your first marriage, maybe this stepdaughter is remembering what once was good in her past. As much as the picture disturbs you, do the kids bother you as well as they are living symbols of your husband's first marriage? In short, get over it. I'm being blunt, but that was then and their's, the present belongs to you. Her room is her domain. As long as she isn't putting it up on the fireplace mantle it should be okay. She obviously loves both of her parents. Don't feel insecure unless there's a real reason for that insecurity. If there is, then talk about that and not a picture. Have you had a blended family picture taken that she can keep in her room, the one of her dad, you, her brothers and sisters, step-siblings and half siblings if there are any? Create an opportunity. Maybe she and her siblings could get together with their Mom and take a picture of all of them (and Mom's new partner if there is one) for her to have in her room. 4 yrs isn't that long when it comes to a family dividing and rebuilding. 9 years is still the majority of her lifespan. Her childhood was her's and there must have been some very sweet times amidst the turbulent ones. Let her have the good memories, she'll use them to model her adult behaviors, as well as your tolerance and acceptance of the lady who brought her into the world. The divorce was between 2 adults, not between the adults and the kids. Don't make this a bigger problem than your discomfort with a picture.
If you're looking for the fastest way to drive a huge wedge between yourself and your stepdaughter, by all means ask her to put the picture away.
I'm sure that in her mind, she is being considerate of your feelings by keeping the photo of her parents in her own bedroom, which should be out of your sight. That is her space, not yours.
Hi Sharon,
I have to agree with Jerri. She is right. The 13 year old girl is still a girl. She is not a fully mature adult and you really have to take that into consideration.
Her room is her private domain and you really have to respect that. When it comes to divorce, the kids really feel the pain of it all. She is still a kid that is still learning how to cope with her parents divorce. She will never get over their divorce. Blended families are work. If she isn't rubbing the picture in your face then it really shouldn't be a problem. If anything, you may try to let her know that the photo of her parents is a nice one, especially if you want to win her respect. You have to show respect in order to get respect. You have to set your feelings aside.
She is 13, and her room is her room. Those are her parents, and she has a picture that she treasures in her personal space. I think you should put your feelings about this aside and respect hers. It isn't like she has it somewhere that is in your space, and you're supposed to be the adult here.
~S
Sorry to give a differing view but you have to remember that those are her biological parents. She may need to look at them from time to time to give her strength or remind her of old times. If you have a good relationship with her and her dad, your husband then you should not worry about it. Also if it is in her room then most people coming to your home will not see it. If it gives her comfort let her have it.
Susan
Pick your battles. You step daughter will understand one day and really appreciate your understanding. LET IT GO. I would even tell her her parents look beautiful in the pic. Including her mother. AGAIN... really important to let this go.
That is one battle I would not even touch. Those are her parents, her mom and her dad, regardless of their current marital status. She loves them both. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love/like you less or is trying to hurt you. She is trying to deal with the whole situation. It is just best to let her have her things in her space. She is only 13 and was 9 when this happened. She really doesn't have the ability to deal with all those emotions at her age. I think it is just something you are going to have to let go and move on from as you have the emotions and the control to deal with it. She doesn't. If you make a deal about it, you will drive her further into an emotional struggle. Be supportive and be the best mother you can to her. The picture may eventually be replaced and/or put away.
In a divorce situation "the past" isn't just "the past". A child was created. She is a part of that past you are trying to "let go". If your parents were to divorce right now....would you take down the pictures of them together? I wouldn't. You may not want a reminder that they were ever married, but that child IS a reminder. Those are her parents and maybe she just wants a picture of them on her nightstand. It's her room and she has the right to have a picture in her own space. It may be awkward for you, but it's not about you. It's about a child who shouldn't be made to feel bad because she wants a picture of her own parents in her room. It's not like she's asking to put it in your living room. That WOULD be a problem.
Hi Sharon, I can imagine that your step daughter's displaying of the photo would be upsetting to you but this is this child's mother. Displaying the photo in her own room is not a threat to you. After all, you have her father there with you. He chose you not the ex., so you have it all. Your step daughter however has lost her mother and thus her family. Be gracious and allow her this small concession. It will pay dividends later, when your step daughter gets older and can better understand the complications of relationships. Good luck
I would let her be. Don't take away or forbid something that is hers and connects her with her root. It is her house too. Help her feel she is a part of your family by letting her express herself. She is needing have the pictures for her comfort, not yours. They are in her bedroom.
You are married to her father and have the rest of the house to decorate how you see fit. There is no need for you to feel uncomfortable with some old pictures that represent family history.
You have to remember it is her home too. She is only 13 years old and although 4 years seems like a lifetime to you it may not be that easy to let go for her. I think you need to respect her space and let her display the picture. If you don't want to see it then don't go in her room. She is coping with her parents split in her own way and everyone should be sensitive to that. If you try to take it away from her in any way you are going to cause a rift between the two of you. You are going to be her step mom forever so try to keep the peace and remember she is still a child who is missing having her parents together. that is not an easy thing to deal with at any age.
Hi Sharon,
I too am remarried and have a teenager from my previous marriage, so have been through what you are experiencing as well. I know it may be tough for you to see a picture of your ex and his wife, but it is her room, which is her own space and you have to respect that. My son keeps pictures of his dad and step sister out and although I despise my ex and his wife, I have to respect that they are still a part of my son's life and it is up to him what pictures he displays in his room. My son is a sophomore now so the reality is that in 2-1/2 more years he will be off to college and he will be taking his photos with him and they will no longer be displayed in my house. If it really bothers you that much, you can try talking to your daughter and telling her how it makes you feel to see it out on the nite stand, but if she really wants it there, and you make her take it down, she may resent you for it.
Best wishes,
Tammy
My thought, as a woman who lost my mom when I was a 12-year-old and as a certified family trainer, is that regardless of whether or not this woman is your little girl's Mother or a Step-mother who came before you (though I believe you are saying she is actually her Mother), your girl is at a tender age where her ideals are being set.
This being so, your girl is also trying to be in relationship with many people at once (her Father, You, and her Mother) WHILE setting those ideals (a developmental milestone appropriate for her age).
She will not always do this the way you want her to, but it is a tremendous effort on her part, as well as on yours. That she is trying to do this at all is a testament to the person she is. The same can be said for you!
My Mother left over 20 years ago and my Father insisted I "move on", refusing to let me display photos or keep momentos. In hindsight I see that he did this because he felt her relationship (his wife's) with him was toxic and that she wasn't a fit woman or mother.
What he didn't take into consideration was the fact that she was still my Mother and had not been intentionally hurtful to me (later we found she had a mental illness) and that I still very much needed to understand her as a person so that eventually I could make up my own mind about the situation.
It turns out that the more he pulled my Mother away from me then, the more I pulled away from him. We hardly speak at all now, though I make several attempts each month.
An interesting part to note is that this woman, your girl's Mother, realized her mistake, woke up from her rage and was willing to give her child a few small pieces of her life (the photos).
This is a huge transition for your girl that is taking a long time to unfold. But it WILL end, I assure you. Very likely between ages 15-17, when she is better able developmentally to understand your point of view.
As her friend, and a new and separate guiding force, you are in the unique position of getting to be part of her rock and foundation. You are in the place where you can show her how to be compassionate and caring about other people in this world.
I recommend allowing her to keep the photo, asking her questions about it sometimes, and about how she feels about her Mom and the unique life situation you are all in...meet this issue full force and with gentleness.
I also recommend speaking with a qualified family consultant about how to manage the questions/answers part. Try Josette Luvmour--she is incredible.
Good luck to you all.
Having had a step-mom, I don't think she's doing this to hurt you - it's of her parents. They'll always be her parents, that has meaning to her. Let her keep the picture.
Sharon - I nanny for a family that has a divorce in the past. The two older kids (13 and 9) are children with the divorced parents. The parents divorced 8 years ago. Both children have a picture of their mom and dad in their rooms. They are hugging and laughing together and look extremely happy. Both parents have remarried, and the children have pictures of their biological parents in both houses. The parents have decided not to say anything to the children. They are products of a past marriage, and the kids can see that when they were "made" (as it were) they came from love.
You did not say that you thought she was doing this to be hateful, so I am assuming she is just doing this to remember that she is a product of love.
Good Luck, Laura
Her parents, her photo, her room. Your idea.
Lead by example.