Stay at home dad

Family & Parenting Other Family & Parenting
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I am currently on maternity leave with our 3rd little girl. I go back to work March 1st and my husband will be staying home with the kids (8, 5, and 7 weeks). I am looking for some advice from anyone who has experience with a stay-at-home dad situation. I also think I could benefit from some advice from anyone who stays at home with their children.

First, I need to deal with my own guilt for actually wanting to go back to work. I love my children, but I also love my job. My husband is a wonderfuld dad. His way with children is part of what attracted me to him in the first place. So I feel more than comfortable leaving them in his care everyday.

I also am preparing myself to not try to control the household while I am at work. I tend to think my way of doing things is always the best way. I need to let my husband do things "his" way while he is at home.

My husband and I have already talked about not being resentful of eachother (the grass always looks greener on the other side). Both of our roles in the family will be equally important, demanding, and rewarding.

I guess I am looking for some reassurance and advice about this upcoming change. I think we will be OK financially, but I am much more concerned about all the other things that may come with it.

I also

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Have you tried doing a search in your local area for stay at home dads? Try stay at home mom sites for playgroups. I have seen info I am not in the situation so I didn't look into it but I know more people are having mom work and dad at home with the kids. SO there are groups out there. If you don't find one consider starting one. There is nothing wrong with the decision you guys have made so don't feel abd about it.

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I will give you the reassurance, but your family will be fine. I really think that your hubby is totally ready. I think that it is great that he is going to stay home, and I also think it is wonderful that you both have already discussed matters of the home. Yes, it is going to be different having your hubby do the things his way, but you never know, his way may be easier. I have found that sometimes my hubby will think of ways to do things that are so much more simple than mine. I am a stay at home mommy, and I have a daycare in my home(private), and it is wonderful, but I still like many stay at home mom/dads, have challenges, and bad days.

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Hi this is Kelly's husband Ben and I was a stay at home dad for 6 months with our 2 1/2 and 4 year old. It was great at first but sadly enough turned into a nightmare. i have a high needs child, my son, that has attention and anger issues that made it hard to watch him, do house work, and do school work all in the time my wife was gone at work. do not be surprised if your husband wants to go back to work in a short amount of time. All i can say is suport and help him as much as you can and spend time with him like he does you when he comes home.

Ben
Kelly's husband :)

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Hi - My hubby is a stay at home dad.I was thinking of posting something similar. I work full time. I have three boys ages 6,4 and 5 months old. It was just the right decision for us. It is working out nicely for us. My hubby is enjoying his time with our boys. I know it is tough but just make sure to check in with your hubby often and make sure he is ok(happy). I do. I ask him all the time- I know what you mean about the feelings of guilt. I have them too.But, when it came time to make the decision it just made more sense (financially) for him to stay home. We wanted someone at home with them since they are still young. Anyway, I hope that helps. Let me know if I can help.

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Hi Melissa! My husband is also a stay at home dad. It's very hard to let him do things his way, but after 1 1/2 years I've pretty much learned how to just keep my mouth shut. I'm glad someone I know and trust can watch our daughter, though, because she is such a high need child. I feel much better about leaving her with my husband than with some stranger in a daycare. In the end, I think you'll probably enjoy the situation.

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I have babysat for several families that have stay at home dads. I think its great! Sure, its not the "traditional" way of doing things, but I think that is what is so appealing about it.

Just remember to show him your appreciation and compensate him for his hard work. A few "paid holidays" may also be nice. ha, ha, ha.

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My husband is not technically a stay at home dad, but we pretty much split staying at home with the kids. I'm in college, and he's self-employed, so we made our schedules work out to split the childcare. The most important thing I have to offer, is pretty much what you just said. It's hard not to micromanage housework and childcare from a distance. I basically have had to learn to trust his judgement. There are times when he just has to tell me to leave him alone about things, and then i realize that I've been doing just what i don't want to. For your sanity, if you can do that, it will help you lower your stress and when you come home, you won't feel like you have a million things left to do. my kids are healthy and clean (mostly), and my house is not out of control. When I was trying to do everything, I found I couldn't and things did get left undone, just making me even more crazy and stressed out.

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Hi Melissa, my husband is a stay at home dad. I really didn't want to come back to work, but being a federal government worker, the money and benefits were too hard to walk away from. For extra cash and so he can get time away, my husband works Wed-Sat waiting tables and bartending. It makes things hard for us (not having that time together), but at the same time it's nice that he has a break from the house.

We have twin sons and my husband has been so great with them. He has double the feedings and diaper duty and he handles it great. I know a lot of guys that won't even change 1 diaper, let alone all of them during the day times 2. I try to let him know what a great dad he is, what a great job he is doing (he's wonderful about keeping them in a schedule and not spoiling them, but having fun with them at the same time).

My husband isn't much of a housekeeper and although we fight about this sometimes, I know how hard it is for him during the day, so I try to be understanding. When I am home alone with the boys during the weekend, I get so worn out and rarely have time to get things done, so I understand his situation. What we do is when I get home from work, I take care of the kids while he cleans. On the weekends when he works (he normally does 12 hour days on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays too), I take care of the kids and during naptimes I clean. My husband will generally do my laundry at night if I need him to, or other small things. Even though my house isn't always neat and organized, I know that people understand that we have twin babies and it's hard. Plus I know that when he's not spending time cleaning, he's normally on the floor wrestling around with the boys. Make sure not to take advantage or get bossy because you will end up making your husband regret being home and you definitely don't want to do that. Where else are you going to find someone who not only loves your children, but will take the best care of them?!?!?
Good luck and if you would like to talk at all, send me your email. It's hard for me to get on here at work.
Please let me know how things work out!

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Melissa,

I'm a stay-at-home mom and basically I run the house. I do everything that has to do with the inside of the house (since it's your husband staying home he can still take care of the outside too. lol). I pay the bills, clean, cook and do all the shopping. My husband works and all he has to do is take out the garbage and sometimes help out when I do get behind.

Even though you have talked about not being resentful, there will be many of fights where it will be thrown at each other, trust me. My husband wanted me to stay home, begged me to stay home. I had a really good job with excellent benefits but he did not want our kids raised by strangers. Yet we still fight over it.

If you need someone to talk to you can email me at [email protected]

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Yea! Congrats on the baby!! I think it's wonderful that your hubby is staying home with the kids!

Sounds like you guys have already discussed this quite a bit. My suggestion is just try and remember that he DOES have his way of doing things and long as it's getting done it doesn't matter how it got that way! I mean if you're extra picky about a way something certain is done then just let him know not to even attempt to do it and you'll do it when you get a chance. Saying that make sure you actually get it done!

Good luck!

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I think it is a great ideal....At least there is someone home with the kids and your not dumping them in daycare. Also 3 kids in daycare can be very expesive too.I admire your husband for wanting to be there for his kids. You don't see much of that anymore. From reading some of the requests from other mothers, all I hear is that their husbands left them and they are single moms trying to make ends meet. It's great to see a father taking action. It is so important that they have the love and care from both of you and in your case he is stepping up to the plate so that you can keep your job and support the famliy. I wish you and your family many blessings and God speed.

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You sound like a wonderful mother, wife, and sister. Since your husband (who also sounds like a wonderful person) is fine with staying home and supports your decision to work full time, it looks like you're in a good situation. Your family and home will be in great hands and everything will be OK even though things may not necessarily be "your way". Try not to stress over stuff that is beyond your control, especially the small stuff, otherwise you will drive yourself and your family crazy. If you put things into perspective and continue to love and support each other things will work out just fine. Best of luck to you and your family.

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My father-in-law stayed home with his children until they were in school all day. My husband also stayed home with our children while I worked. The hardest part I think you already have figured out, and that's that you cannot do it all! My husband is super patient and has qualities that mesh well with our children. We do things different, but as long as they get done, that's what matters. Letting go of the "power" is hard, but once you do it's liberating! Don't feel guilty about going back to work, I am a better mother because I did. Hope this reassures you - best of luck!

15

My boyfriend is also a stay-at-home dad, though it's not 100% by choice. Between job layoffs, and his disability (he's deaf), it just became impossible for him to work at a job that paid more than it cost to hire a babysitter for our daughter, since I also work fulltime. So, I work fulltime, while he stays home with our 3 1/2 year old daughter.

It's difficult for everyone involved....I have the guilt of not seeing my daughter as much as I want to, and being so tired from working when I am home, that I feel like I'm neglecting her. I don't do the household chores as much as I used to, and I am pretty picky about how I like things cleaned up.

My boyfriend is in charge of almost all household chores, and I sometimes feel like I should be doing more of them....but he insists on doing them, and doesn't complain (except to say how many dishes we all go through!). He does get very stressed out with caring for our daughter basically 24/7, since she's such a bullheaded, strong minded child, and he has the same type of personality. He sometimes feels closed in, being in the house virtually 24 hrs a day, since he doesn't have a working car right now to get out and about.

If we could afford it and could swing it, he would work a part time job, while I cut my hours down to part time, so we could still avoid daycare needs, and yet at the same time, both of us could have some time away from home, and time with our child.

It's a very fine line at times.....we certainly didn't plan on things being like this when I was pregnant with our daughter. I was planning on only working part time when I went back to work, so that I could spend more time with our child in the first several years of her life. Optimally, I would have liked to have had the first year off, but it just wasn't financially feasible, since I also provide health insurance for both she and I.

I admit it...I sometimes take a sick day from work, just to spend more time at home with my family.

Also, as for the chores.....things are not done to my liking, but you learn how to compromise on things. I've learned that I can't do it all, nor can I expect my boyfriend to clean to my standards. You learn to compromise and sacrifice.

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I can relate somewhat to your situation......my husband has been home since 12/05. He suffered a work injury that limits him from working. I work part-time which is my balance as a working mom. My husband is great with our kids but we kept them in daycare 3 days a week for their sake of continuity. The best advie I have is keeping communication open!!! My husband and I have learned to not take it personally when each of us is resentful of the other. It's not easy in any situation. I'm often resentful of the time my husband gets to himself where I don't get the luxury! Just keep talking and reword your feelings so it doesn't sound like your taking stabs at each other.

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HI,
i'm a stay at home mom and i find having a schedule is the best thing to do. My son was born last year and my fiance worked everyday so it was me and all three kids.

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Hi Melissa,
My husband is also a SAHD. It was not an easy decision for us but one that we thought was in the best interest of our two girls. In our case, I make the most income so it made more sense for me to stay working and for him to be home. I think it's really important to talk things out - which it sounds like you have already done. Although my DH loves staying home with the kids, I think at times it's also a little hard on the ego. Men are raised that they should provide but now more and more men are taking on the role of SAHD - which in my opinion, is a lot more time-consuming and complicated than a job elsewhere. It looks like your kids (except the new baby - congratulations!) are in school. After school activities like the library, the park, etc... are good. It's a great way for the kids to work off some excess energy and for your husband to get out. I think that's important. To save yourselves time at night, try to make meals ahead of time or look into something like Super Suppers (we do that and it has worked out great). Getting the kids involved in making dinner is good fun too.

As for the guilt...I don't think it will ever completely go away. As much as the men are raised to be the "providers", we tend to think of ourselves as the one who has to stay home. I would love to be with my kids, even though I love my job. The perfect situation would be for me to be home a couple of days a week and work the other days. If, after you get back to work, you start to feel so guilty that you are unhappy, perhaps you could look into other options - working from home one or more days / week, working longer days a couple of days a week so that you can have an extra day off, etc... We have a friend who works 4 10-hour days so that he can have that fifth day off.

Good luck and congratulations on the new baby!

Kristy

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DEAR MELISSA YOU SOUND LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON WITH ALOT OF RESPONSIBILITIES. YOUR CHILDREN AND BROTHER AND SISTER ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. AND YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MARRIED SUCH A LOVING FATHER. I STAY AT HOME WITH MY FOUR KIDS. AND THEY ARE A HANDFUL BUT THEY ARE GREAT. I WOULD SAY MAKE SURE YOU GIVE YOUR HUSBAND A BREAK FROM THE CHILDREN AND ALSO YOURSELF. YOU TAKE CARE AND WAY TO GO SUPERMOM. STEPH