How old are children when they begin saying Sir or Ma'am on their own? I have been correcting my children to say yes sir or ma'am when they address either my husband or myself, but it tends to be when they are in trouble and I say "do you understand" and they say 'yes' and i say 'yes what' and they say 'yes ma'am'. But only when they are being corrected do I make them say it. I would like them to say it out of respect for any adult when they speak to them, but since it is not so common anymore how do i do that? Also do you say it or find it offensive? I am from the south (kind of) and it is a sign of respect here, but i know it is not respectful every where. thanks everyone for your help.
Good for you for teaching your children manners! That is how I was raised. I am 29 years old and I call everyone sir and ma'am, I have people tell me if makes them feel old but, it was ingrained in us as children and it just comes natural to me now. That is how I want my children to be and I plan on starting young with them. Once they get in the habit, then it will come natural to them. i Think as long you just repeat it to them or if they don't say it, keep saying yes what? like you do. They will pick up on it-also if they hear you saying it! Teaching/leading by example is one of the best ways! I am tip my hat to the other southern belles out there! My step son does not use his manners. His mother hasn't bothered to teach him any and it drives me nuts. I have him say them when he is here but, he doesn't usually remember. I always have to remind him to say please,thank you,sir, ma'am etc. For a while he was doing really well with them but, lately he has seemed to lose them again. He does say thank you on his on most of the time, thank goodness!
I think you can do it the same way you teach kids to say anything... by modeling it. My son does not use sir and ma'am in conversation, but he doe TaeKwonDo and it is required there. They don't make a big deal about coming down on kids or anything they just model it before the kid has a chance to say anything else. I've seen little ones on their first day pick it up.
For example: "Sammy time to clean up your room. Yes, ma'am?" "Kate, I'm making root beer floats, would you like one? Yes ma'am?" If they don't respond appropriately, just repeat the model... Sam: "Okay" Mom: "Yes, ma'am?" Sam: "yes, ma'am." Mom: "Great. Thank you, Sam."
Thea
I may catch some heat here, but here it goes.
First of all I completely understand your thoughts and what you are trying to do. I completely agree that kids are not taught to respect their elders these days and it must come from home. And maybe if I was raised "kind of" in the south I'd look at it differently but if I would have said "yes ma'am" to my mom, or my kids to me, it would be with sarcasm.
I also feel that respect is earned and not a right. My father certainly does not have my respect just because he's my father (I don't need any Biblical teachings here, I was raised in the church). I do respect my step-dad because he was/is a good man and a good person.
My kids speak to me and treat me with what I consider "respect" but it was not forced on them. I think a "respectful" household is kind of like religion, it is how you act on a daily basis, not just what you "say" you do.
Personally, I don't care for the 'sir' or 'ma'am.' To me, it's way too formal, even military. I was a substitute teacher for a long time after college and I hated it when people called me 'ma'am.' It made me feel like I was about 100 years old. That's just my personal feeling on it though. There are lots of things you can do to teach your kids to show respect.
I think the only way you can really teach them is to model it and make them say it all the time.
Well I do agree that you should be teaching your children good manners and to respect their parents and other people in the community...but, I also agree with Lori K. a little bit here too! I think if you want to teach them to say sir and ma'am because it makes you feel good about manners and treating people well, then that's great. But if you're teaching them to use those words so they'll respect you, I think it's the wrong technique. I think they need to learn to respect you and your rules but adding those words onto an apology, a greeting, or whatever isn't going to change how they feel about you or anyone else. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying make sure you're sending a clear message.
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I use "yes/no ma'am and yes/no sir" all of the time, Also "thank you, pardon me, excuse me".. So does my husband and daughter.. We do this all of the time WITH EACH other as well as others.
This is how I was raised and my husband was raised. It does not sound formal to us, it just sounds right.
Model it for your children by using it with them also.. Not just demanding it when they are in trouble.
Our daughter was told in a college interview, she was one of the only people to use proper greetings and manners throughout the entire interview. . She was shocked. She actually thanked me for making sure it was just natural to her..
I'll pipe up with a perspective from the northeast which I mean in the kindest possible way - I think (my sister agrees with me) that ma'am is almost an insult - something sales people etc use to imply that you are old or being a pain in the butt. Around here anyway. And sir is a bit over the top for this century I think as well, unless you are in the military (which maybe you are - I mean no disrespect). I agree that respect is your overall behavior, not the word you tack on at the end of a sentence. Why isn't "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" considered respectful? Or if it's a family friend, yes Mr so & so. My point is I am not sure it's something to instill in them as a knee jerk response to being addressed by an adult because I don' t think it's universally interpreted that way. Just my two cents.
I'm on the west coast and we don't use the ma'am and sir, but I love the respect that it shows. I make my son use titles as a sign of respect (Mr. Mrs. Ms. Coach, Dr. , Aunt, Uncle, etc). He is not allowed to call adults by their first name unless they are very close friends of mine.
I would keep it up. Make sure you're using it too. Kids learn through imitation.
Sandy
I think it's great to teach and model good manners. Just my opinion, but it's not the words so much that are used but the tone & feeling behind them. You can teach a child to say please, thank you, yes ma'am, sorry, ect. but just saying the words doesn't necessarily mean that you are getting the respect or feelings that you want. And, I wouldn't be offended if someone called me ma'am.
Hello Mama-
I want to thank you for teaching your children manners. I was raised with souther manners in Oregon, and when I was in grade school and would answer "Yes Ma'am" everyone including the teacher would look at me like I was crazy, but even then I felt it was right.
When I would teach manners to my charges (I was a Nanny), I would make it fun, "Did I miss hearing something?" or just wait until they asked properly.
As a child, it helped that my entire family expected me to say "yes ma'am/sir" (you never got away without it!), so I'd also suggest encouraging all adults expect it.
Thanks Again!
Rebecca Magby
I am from the North East and my husband is from the South and we have discussed this before. In my opinion, you can be completely respectful with or without the Sir or Ma'am. You can be completely disrespectful with or without the Sir or Ma'am. As long as my children have a polite tone when they answer yes or no, that is all that matters to me. I think it may sound respectful because it sounds formal but I think actions speak louder than words and tone even more so. I am not bothered by it either way but it does bother me when my daughters answer "Yes" in a nice way and are corrected for it by my husband because they didn't say "Yes PLEASE" or "Yes SIR" when he asks if they want ice cream (for instance). You know the saying "When in Rome Do as the Romans Do?" Well, since we live in CO and no one says it here I don't think our girls need to be taught to answer that way. If we lived in the South, I guess I would have them say it because it is important to Southerners, even if it is not important to me.
My oldest daughter will answer yes ma'am to me when I yell at her and for some reason I absolutly hate it! I really dont know why it bugs me, it just does! I agree that you can be respectful with or without ma'am and sir, it all depends on the tone the child uses. But they are your kids so if you want them to say ma'am and sir then they should be! It would proly be more helpful if all the major adults in their lives also expected them to use sir and ma'am to make things more consistant for them. Good luck!
My daughter married a man from Arkansas. Their girls are almost 2 and just over 3. They say "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" on a regular basis and if they don't they are reminded.
I think its a wonderful thing. Sure beats all the profanity that is so rampant.
You model to them what you want them to say. For instance, when my 4 yr old ask me for something I say "Yes sir", and remind him to say "Yes maam" to me when I ask/tell him something. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he forgets, but overall I think he has a sense of "respect" from doing it the time he does remember or is reprimanded for something.
It really depends on where you live. I had never heard people saying "sir" or "ma'am" growing up in Wisconsin. I moved to TX and everyone said it. I went back to WI and called a teacher "Ma'am" and you'd have thought I called her "almighty God" by the reaction I got from everyone.
It feels like I wrote this.....
I am going through the same thing with my kids.
I do not like it when people ( family, friends, strangers ) say
oh no honey you don't need to say that to me.
And then of course I speak up and always say YES, they do and they have to.
For me, it is the sound of respect.
If I am with two different kids and I say " are you two having fun "?
And one kid says " yep" and the other one says " yes ma'am " -- I will tell you that I will have more respect for the child that used his manners.
AND THAT'S HOW I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL WHEN MY CHILDREN USE THEIR MANNERS -- ( treated with respect ).
You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.
= )
I don't think you are being "too southern"! It's to bad other ppl are not teaching their children that. I know that times have changed but it seems as though as the times change the lack of respect that some ppl teach their children has gone down the drain. So i say keep up the good work. heck night even start teaching mine that.
I think the key is RESPECT not the words. Depending upon how you say it and the tone of voice you use, "yes ma'am " can be very respectful and correct or can be highly sarcastic. Model the behavior that you want from them...be respectful to them and they will learn to give respect to you and to others.
My husbands family is from Alabama and I can tell you that there is nothing cuter in the whole world than a sweet little 3 year old girl, with that adorable southern accent saying "yes ma'am"!!! Just melts my heart!!!
I would say, don't make too big an issue out of it, just let it come naturally and don't battle over it. And as far as demanding that they say "yes ma'am" when they are in trouble...you can't demand respect...you have to earn it!!! Don't make "yes ma'am" be connected with being in trouble in their minds.