I am educated and understand full well that any abuse is wrong and that I don't deserve it no matter what I have done. I have a gorgeous 2 yo son that at times I feel I will be letting down unless I can find some way of keeping our family together.
We used to be quite close friends. We used to talk for hours on end about EVERYTHING and now he sits next to me on the couch and teets, emails, and Facebooks until he is ready to go to sleep. He never has time to talk about us but always finds the time to take an hour here and there to tell me that I am a terrible housekeeper and a bad wife.
Husband will not go to counseling but wants to "try" separation. He jokes that he is a terrible husband but doesn't care to do anything about it. He is emotionally unsupportive and is not a "team player" when it comes to raising our son. Whenever he gets angry at me (which is quite often) then he "reminds" me of "all" that he does for our son as if it is to help me. When things are going well, we have lots of fun and do some pretty cool things but it doesn't take much to set us off and the bad just seems to escalate.
He was raised by awesome parents and they say that they had no idea that he was going to turn out this way. It is difficult to solve problems when there is no accountability and he will lie and exaggerate to make sure that he is not to be blamed. He blames ALL of our problems on me therefore it is always my responsibility to solve them. If I can't solve them, then he has to "fly in and save me" all of the time. He is constantly keeping score and always comparing what he does vs what I do. Of course, my column is NEVER indicative of all of my hard work because my work is not respected.
I know deep in my heart that this marriage needs to be over so that I can show my son that this is not healthy behavior and that neither of us deserves to live with this. The problem is that it still hurts and I am afraid.
As far as the abuse, I am tired of all of the yelling and cursing and evil words. Physically, I am tired of the pushing and shoving and have even been strangled once. Can therapy help us or is my husband so far gone that there is nothing to save?
What should my next moves be? My family and his family is QUITE supportive of me and my decision to end the marriage because they all know what I have been dealing with. For Christmas, he decided that he was moving out and has been looking at places but he refuses to discuss his exit plan (don't think he has one as of yet).
Sorry to vent but I find great value in your experiences and I am able to be more honest that I can be with family and friends. Thank you all!
He needs to move out, and unless he goes to counseling, including domestic violence counseling, I think you should get a divorce. If he won't move out then consider getting a kick out restraining order. The fact that he strangled you once is extremely frightening, and you need to protect yourself and your son.
Deanna, It seems as if you're the one in the marriage willing to try and "save" it by wanting to go seek counseling, but my concern is that in order for counseling to work, you both have to want it. If he doesn't even sit to talk with you and prefers to fb, tweet, whatever, I don't think he would be willing to go to counseling. Your son will grow up seeing his father (and rolemodel) abusing his mother. That is not a healthy life for any of you. I understand the guilt you feel about leaving and the feeliing as if you "owe it" to your son to make it work. I've had several wonderful women in my life who thought the same thing. One in particular went 25 years and then divorced knowing she should have done it earlier. Her daughters, sadly, seem to be following the same path as she. Abusive boyfriends.............etc. As a product of divorced parents, (they split when I was 9) it hurt, but not as much as it would have had my mother stayed and put up with being unhappy. You don't owe your son the chance of a dysfunctional life, you owe him the best life you can possibly give him and it's okay if dad isn't living in the home. He can still have a great relationship with his son, but it will take much more effort on his part. You owe yourself happiness and it just seems that it won't come out of this marriage.
Take very good care of yourself and do what's best for all of you.
Jennifer
Hi Deanna,
Part of the worst thing of an abuser is that they make you feel like you are crazy and doubt yourself. I highly recommend the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. He is one of the preeminent counselors on abusers and he illustrates how they use various control tactics to get their way. It would be very useful in evaluating your situation better, since he also has recommendations and resources. The book "It's My Life Now" by Meg Dugan and Roger Hock is also very helpful. Good luck!
Deanna,
So so sorry for your situation and I wish I had more time to write, but get out! You are young, your son is young, you have a solid job and you will be even better off when you are fully credentialed. There is sure to be alimony and child support, but DO, if nothing else, visit with a reputable and TOUGH Divorce lawyer, NOW. I mention TOUGH for a reason, you are a "saver" and it is now YOU who need saving. You are going to try to make it easier on him, so he won't be "upset" by letting go of points you should not, and a good strong lawyer is what is called for. Abuse is abuse and it will only continue and probably get worse. KNOW your financial information, get all of this recorded and copied as soon as possible. Make him take responsibility and move out completely. Change the locks, paint your bedroom and pitch out your shared linens. Create a comfortable space of your own! Move on. Easier said than done, so true, but do not waste another moment on a man who readily admits he is not a good match for you with no intention of improving, EVEN for the sake of his child! Who by the way, deserves better! There are other men out there and already in your childs life, should he not have interest in being a father either. I've done it, it is hard and it sux, but the ONLY regret I have is that it took me too long to muster the strength to DO IT! It was sooo hard, so so sad, I believed I had failed, but today I know different, my child knows about a safe emotional home and that a husband does not ignore or mistreat or berate or keep score against his wife, but works side by side in love and respect. Be strong, seek guidance and strength form others, and find a good Lawyer! Oh and keep the dogs too!
Good luck!
Hi Deanna!
Wow! Sorry you are dealing with all this. Sounds almost exactly like what I went through except for the physical abuse (but it was close). All the blaming, anger, confusion, hurt and fear. I too knew the marriage needed to be over, but my fear kept me there. I had been with him for 19 year (since I was 15) and we had one daughter who was 8 when we separated.
I knew couples who had been able to mend their relationship after a separation but it never felt right to me. I knew that for myself when one of us was out, then we were through. Still, accepting it all was so difficult. It was horribly painful and I got to know the true meaning of despair. I think it took about 2 years of talking about it until we did it.
First he kicked me out, but I refused to go as he insisted on keeping our daughter. Then we went to therapy and it just did not work. At my insistance, our daughter started therapy and that was when he finally accepted he should be the one to leave so as to not make our daughter go through any more changes. We had rented an apartment from his parents all along and he moved back in with them next door, which was not far at all. Drama continued and so I moved out a few months later. I think I hit my low at that point. I got so sick I thought I'd die. I didn't know how to be without him. To make matters worse he begged to come back and promised to be different. I knew in my heart that it would not change and with my full village(family and friends)behind me, I stuck to my guns.
It took having some actual distance from him and about 6 months to realize that I was happier without him. I could take pride in myself again because I was doing things that I wanted to do, including a new job. I finally felt like I was modeling how to properly take care of and love yourself for my daughter. My depression lessened each day and I started to feel grateful that I could be happy on my own. I took a road trip all by myself and wrote and wrote. I started to get in touch with people I had not seen in years. To my surprise people remembered me well, I was not this awful person I thought I had been while with my ex!
It has been over a year now and I am so much happier and fulfilled now. I've lost weight (8 sizes), take pride in myself, got rid of clutter (bad housekeeper too!), have more friends and remain grateful. I even have someone new in my life who thinks that I am very worthy. One of those old friends, actually.
There are still some struggles with my ex. He will never be completely out of my life because we share a daughter, but he will never hurt me again either. I am too strong for that now. What I thought to be the worst thing to ever happen to me turned out to be the biggest gift and blessing. I am so much better for the divorce.
I hope my story helps you move forward to find the strength you need. Let your village support you, they all want to. Give in to all your feelings. You will have to have them, so it might as well be now. Your son is young enough that he will adapt more easily than my daughter did. He will thank you for it someday when he is in a relationship and it is a happy, healthy one. That will be your lasting legacy to him.
All my support goes to you. Go find your blessed life!