Hello everyone! My husband and I have been married for a little bit over a year now and other than working whole day from Monday to Friday, we've spent most of the time together. We've never taken a long vacation separately except for the time we were not yet married when he went to another country for 2 weeks since he had the opportunity to go (half the expense for the ticket). I had no problems with that since I trust him and I wanted him to enjoy and take a break from working so hard. Absence does make the heart grow fonder even though sometimes the absence part makes you feel lonely. We go out from time to time but not a long week vacation. This year, he's planning on going to Japan for 2 weeks since he knows somebody there that can provide him free lodging. I would like go with him because I've been dreaming of going there my whole life but I can't because of my work schedule. As much as I would like to be happy for him and be supportive to take that opportunity, I find it hard because there's that feeling of envy. I want to have memories with him there but seeing him wanting to go even without me made me feel a bit sad and now I'm confused as to what I feel regarding him leaving to another country without me. How should I approach this? Is it wrong of me to feel that way? I wanted to know how other couples would handle this situation and if I should be seeing things in another point of view. Every reply helps! Thank you for your time.
I would “let” him go and be happy for him.
I would love to take a vacation sans spouse AND kids. I think that as long as it’s not something that’s done in anger or to be sneaky, it can be a very good thing for both parties. It’s not wrong to feel that way, and if you are upset about it, you should keep communicating with him. Are you more upset that he’s going or the location? I’m jealous, too! If this is a Big Dream and you feel upset that you can’t go right now, can you plan to go again with him? Maybe visit another part of Japan so it’s new to both of you? If you have no reason not to trust him, then I think he should go with your blessing and make sure you get the opportunity to do something on your own at a later date.
TOTALLY normal to feel as you do. My hubby had a job in Singapore for 2 weeks. I’d have loved to go, but it wouldn’t have worked. You’re more bummed because you have a dream of going there - totally normal to feel bummed in this particular instance even though you haven’t before.
Let him go, but sow the seed for this kind of trip as a future desitnation for you both. He may have fun finding places to “take” you when you can both go. And there will be plenty of places you can enjoy together as “firsts” when you do get to go together.
Is there any way you can work remotely and go for part of the time?
In my opinion, you are not wrong and I have been married eighteen years to my husband. We have not taken any separate vacations, he did go to his family’s home twice because his father has been close to death and that led to a coma for (yes) five years now. He went because it was emergencies. Not fun. We have a hard time leaving eachother for whole days so I think a vacation alone would be kind of hard (yes, maybe that sounds kind of sappy).
And since YOU are the one that always wanted to go to Japan then I don’t understand why he is going. We know lots of people who can provide free lodging all over the place, but well truthfully I wouldnt want my husband to go without me free or not. I have a friend who wants me to go for a long road trip in the summer. And we have a place to stay. I just can’t do it. It isn’t because I don’t like fun, but well, I have fun with my husband. You feel what you feel and it isn’t anyone else’s opinion. But if it disturbs you enough you really should share that. Two weeks is a long time to some
I think that when people get married, they don’t stop being people.
It’s good to have separate interests, hobbie, dreams…it’s also good to have some of each of those things in common.
Don’t make the mistake of making his trip about you or your relationship–it probably isn’t!
We’ve been married 24 years and hubby has always been the one to be on the road for sales and work (up to 4 nights a week at times)
He loves to be home because he is on the road so much so I am the one that goes on vacations alone and sometimes just mom/daughter trips.
Our relationship has no “let” or “allow” in it. We are grown adults, partners, we choose what we like and we respect each other.
If he had an oppportunity for a trip of a lifetime and even if I wanted to go to that destination someday, I would be happy for him and support him in every way possible. He would show the same support to me if I were going on a great destination trip as well.
I can’t see myself feeling sad or confused… I only see myself as supporting him, PLUS, I get to go on some pretty nice trips that I am sure hie might like to do if he weren’t in a plane so much.
Are you sure that you can’t go AT ALL? Don’t you have at least one week of vacation?
If you can take a week, go with him and enjoy one week. Japan has wonderful things to offer. You can get a JR Railpass (must get before you go) to ride the bullet train from places like Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, etc. You could spend a day or two in these places on a 7 day rail pass, spending the night in cheap, no-frill hotels and see Japan. Or you could just stay put and travel around in your area.
It’s nice that he gets the opportunity to travel. However, you two MUST make time to vacation together. He shouldn’t give up all his time with you just because he has the opportunity to go somewhere exotic or free, with you being left out. The key here is that he should do both - enjoy his traveling boons, but limiting them so that you two get to vacation together some.
If he’s not willing to do that, then he is being selfish and thoughtless. I hope he won’t do that to you.
Dawn
Can he go another date when you are available? Nothing wrong with married folk doing their own thing… Except that you WANT to go to Japan too, so it seems like you and he should work together to find a time that works out for both of you. I dont think you are wrong at all to feel this way. Have you talked to him about it? Dont expect him to read your mind, if this is bothering you, you need to talk it out. Good luck!
In most families there is only so much time and money for vacations. I don’t think either one of us would feel ok about the scenario you ate describing. Add in that you have dreamt of traveling there I do not think it is very living or supportive of him to go. IMHO. We often have opportunities for vacation and entertainment that don’t always work out when you become a family. I don’t think this is about you. Actually, I think you did not factor in at all. That would really upset me. I’m sorry. This sucks for you.
Can he take my husband with him? Hes on a whiny/constant complaining kick the last few days and its driving me crazy.
Let him go, do something nice for yourself while hes gone.
Why can’t he simply wait to go until you can get some time off? Even if you can’t get away for two weeks couldn’t you at least get a week sometime within the next year or so? I don’t have a problem with spouses traveling and spending time apart (I think it’s a good thing, actually) but it seems like this is something you’d really like to do together so I think he should be willing to try and make it work, even if it means putting it off for a bit.
We’ve been married 8 years and I can’t imagine going on a vacation without each other. Why would I? The whole time I’d be thinking about how I’d love to be sharing it with him. He’s my best friend (and vice versa) and we’d rather be together than apart. I can’t imagine him planning a vacation without me, especially since I would never consider it and I bring in half of our money…I’d definitely be feeling the way you are. I don’t see why he can’t make it work so you both can go. Why does a married man need 2 weeks alone in another country? C’mon, now.
I’ve been to Japan twice and it is indeed a wonderful trip. Once was on my own as an exchange student and the other trip was with my husband as a vacation (before we had our daughter).
I would ask him to work with you on this since you very much want to go. Have you told him, in just the way you tell us here, that you are longing to see Japan and you want to make memories there with him? Or is he just assuming that because of work you can’t do it so he’s forging on with his own plans, unaware of how much you reallly want to go? If you are holding back on telling him your feelings because you want to spare him somehow – don’t. He needs to know that you are sad and envious. This is important: He should be able to take that news like an adult and see that it means you want to be with him there – not out of some lack of trust but out of an abundance of love both of him and of adventure. So TALK to him and don’t be skittish about telling him that you want to go too and as a couple you want to work it out so you both have the trip of a lifetime. Think about him showing you photo after photo of a place you want to see and you sitting there either sad or steaming or regretful because you missed it.
Since he has a friend there who can provide lodging – can that friend provide lodging for you both? Can your husband wait to go when you can get off work and both of you would go take advantage of this free lodging? Or is this friend’s lodging either (a) available only at some specific time when you can’t go, or (b) so tiny that it can only accommodate your husband? (I find the latter hard to swallow!)
I would talk to him about either your going together or possibly saving up to go at a time when you are both able to make it. Look into packages and staying in traditional Japanese inns that are cheaper than large city hotels (some inns are very pricey but others are very reasonable). Really you and he need to work this out as a trip for you both. If you don’t have kids now, you will discover that once you do have kids, this trip will then be postponed for many years. Find out what you can change or sacrifice to go, but don’t let him and the “free lodging” deal drive everything – it would be better to give up the free lodging and wait and plan a great trip TOGETHER in, say a year’s time, than for him to insist on going alone solely because he gets free digs.
When my parents were alive I would go once a year for a week to stay with them without hubby or kids in the Netherlands. They lived in a tiny apartment and taking our family would have cost us not only 4 tickets but a hotel room as well. One year we paid for my parents to stay in a hotel and we stayed in their apartment, since it was easier with 2 little kids not to travel back and forth. The only thing we make sure of is “tit for tat”. If I get a week away without kids, he gets a week away sometime. Or if he goes for a weekend to see a football game with his dad I get a weekend without having to deal with kids (even if I just go shopping and take a bath). So perhaps the jealousy can be offset by tit for tat, unless you really just want to go to Japan with him.
Hmmm…is there anyway you can go part of the time? Like if you have a few days of vacation saved up? That way you both win.
Yes, Jennifer has it. My husband’s work schedule doesn’t allow him much time off, so I go without him. If he can make it for a few days, he comes out.
Don’t be jealous, just keep busy and stay out of trouble.
I’m not married, but that would bother me. Even though it is less expensive for him to go alone and stay for free somewhere, there is still a significant expense involved in airlne tickets, etc for such a trip. Is your financial condition such that he can take that much money and not impact your overall budget. If he spends that much money on a trip himself, does it still leave money for a vacation for the two of you together? If not, then he should not be going but should be using that money for your family to vaction together. If he goes to Japan for 2 weeks, will he have enough vacation time to go away with you? If not, then again, he should not be going but rather saving it to use with the family. Again, I’m single, but to me this would not be my expectation of marriage; it seems very myopic on his part.
I’m going through this with my DH. It’s okay to feel envy or sadness at not going. Just because you feel that doesn’t mean you can’t also be a ltitle excited for him to go or need to stop him from going. I’m going on a ski weekend with the girls. I know hubby would love to go and is a little sad that I’m going without him, but he still wants me to go and have a great time. It’s okay to feel conflicting emotions - it’s human. But you shouldn’t let your envy stop his opportunity.
Well I might ask him to wait until your schedule will work for you both. Why can’t he wait for you? Lodging is free, it will still be free when you are also.