Hi Moms. I am back and I need some advice. Please be kind and help me out. I have been married for almost 4 years and I have had the same problem in my marriage since the get go. I am not really fond of Sex. And that is a big situation for my husband. I can go for a long while without sex and I am fine. I can go months and I am good, but him on the other hand is not. He is always telling me that he needs to be with me. That he loves me and that I turn him on, but that does nothing to me. I mean don't get me wrong I love to turn him on and that he loves my body even after having my baby girl. I have one problem with him that I don't like and I don't know what to do. I am considering going to see a counselor for help. But he has a thing that I don't like and he says he does it because I don't give it to him. We went to take our daughter to have some pictures taken at a picture shop and when we were sitting down and they were showing us the pictures the lady that was showing us the pictures was sitting down on the chair right next to him and she was just leaning to the computer not sitting all the way back on the chair and you chould see her undies and he leaned accross to get a better look. that kills me. that hurts my ego and I don't know what to do. When i told him what he did he said at first that it was not true. And I got so mad and told him to tell me truth and he said "Yes I did that and I am going to keep doing until I get some from you" I know that it must be hard on him cause sometimes we go about a month with nothing. I am just so tired with the baby and work. And to top that off well I am not really into Sex have never been a big fan of it. Maybe I am not doing it right?I don't know, but if I can get some good advise on how to work this out. I dont' want to lose my marriage over this and I need help. Please help me out with this. I will take any advice.
Yes, yes, get some counseling! It's not cool that he leaned in for a better look, but it's also not personal. Don't focus on that. I had a friend whose wife wouldn't have sex with him for a while (months at a time), even to the point of leaving the room to change clothes. He confessed to me that he was a captive audience when women who did not otherwise have his interest would cross their legs. Just anything got his attention because this need was not being met, yet he was meeting hers that she would reveal/express. It got to a point where I had to limit my contact with him because I didn't want him to transfer any of that to me. One day, we hugged in our usual way (usually a quick "see ya later" with a pat), and he lingered. He didn't feel me up, but I'm sure that he was enjoying having my body against his. It lasted just a few seconds, but markedly longer than usual. He begged me as I went to pull away to please let him have a few seconds. I didn't see him for a while after that, though I was not upset with him. I understood that human need, and I believed him when he told me (once things got somewhat normal) that he never had sex with anyone else during that time.
Anyway, my friend's case might be more extreme, but I hope that you get the point. Your husband is grasping at straws for a way to get his message to you that his needs aren't being met. If this has been going on for long, then he's getting desperate, which is why he is open to hurting your feelings.
That said, if it's always been like this for you, I'd like to know why you agreed to marry someone who wants regular sex. What you're feeling isn't right or wrong, but it makes for an incompatible union, and that's not fair to either of you. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to either give up the goods or be prepared for him to get it elsewhere.
A therapist might be able to help you to determine if there is some deep-seated issue that keeps you from being interested in sex, even just for the purpose of "taking care of him". Do you feel like he takes care of you in the ways that you need (not just sexually)? Is it about intimacy/vulnerability? Is your subconscience punishing him for something?
You will probably get a whole bunch of opinions on this topic, from all over the spectrum, but you have to do what works for your relationship. You should probably seek professional counseling. I don't know that there is a mother out there that can't sympathize with being too tired, but if this was a problem for you before the baby, that isn't the cause. I do think that it is sad that you cannot enjoy sex with your husband. It is one of the great joys of marriage. I wish that for every woman. We have the right to enjoy it as much as men do.
Do you take any medications? I was on some antidepressants that eliminated the need for a long time, and just didn't think about it until my husband pointed it out. I switched meds and everything started working again.
About him looking, again, there will be many thoughts on this also, but the bottom line is, if it hurts you, he shouldn't do it.
IMO, you both should really seek help, but if he won't go, then you should go alone. This is not being approached in a healthy way by you or your husband right now and you both need to get to that place with some help.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I do believe that you both need to go to some sort of marriage counseling to see what the issues that the both of you have and need to discuss. I would just be really open with your husband about how uncomfortable you are with intimacy and what things you are interested in doing and being done to you. Even if it is just snuggling under the covers for now.
My prayers are with you.
So sorry you are going throught this, it sounds tough. I guess my question for you, and this is of course rhetorical, is what is it about sex that is not pleasant for you? Too much work, too much time, too messy, no pleasure, pain? There are so many reasons women don't enjoy sex, I think talking to a counseler or even just openly with your husband about what it is you are not enjoying could be a good start. Especially if the reason is pain, that is hard to deal with and you can get help with that. My husband and I read and awesome book called Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat and it helped us a lot. It is an open and honest look at sex and focuses on how to make if better and more meaningful in the marriage relationship. The author is a doctor and a christian, we loved the book and are grateful for the things we learned. As far as his look at another woman, not cool. You aren't perfect but you are his, let him know that that is not the way to win your heart. But I would say, you might want to let him know that your lack of interest in sex is not a rejection of him, tell him what is going on with you. You guys are partners in this and can only get through it together. Best wishes, girl!!
Unfortunately, it sounds like sex no longer represents an expression of your love and attraction for each other nor is it a reaffirmation of the sacrament of your vows. It has evolved to represent a control mechanism that one wields over the other, either by withholding it or redirecting it. (That's a recipe for disaster...) So now what? If you agree to be intimate, will you feel like you've "lost" the fight? Will you feel like you have validated his behavior or set yourself up for this to happen again the next time he gets sexually frustrated? If so, then you're at a stalemate... ultimately, no winners, both lose.... That sounds pretty bleak.
Your daughter deserves and needs you both to work this out.
The unsettling thing is that he has begun (and acknowledged!) seeking physical satisfaction elsewhere.... Right now, his fulfillment is through peeping.... But that's one-sided. How long will that last? Long-term, it wouldn't surprise me if it escalates into something more; after all, he's already told you that he feels justified to seek it 'elsewhere'. XXX websites, titty bars and lap dances are probably the next evolution based on the fact that he is already responding to visual stimulation.
Of course, the problem is further impacted by the fact that you probably don't feel attracted to someone you've lost admiration for. It may have started because you were "too tired" but the issue is now involves admiration and honor. How do you convince yourself to sleep with someone whose behavior has horrified you?
Talk to your OB; test your hormones. Talk to a counselor. Take action.
First off there are two issues here, your problem with sex/intimacy and your problems because of your husband is now seeking sexual enjoyment elsewhere. On the first, you need to get to the root of the problem to figure out why you don't enjoy it. Depending on the reason(s) why, you'll have different options to fix it, but you can't begin to address this until you understand why you have this problem. You need to be VERY open with you husband about all of these reasons and explain that he needs to work with you on this and not against you by seeking enjoyment from others. Which brings us to point two, how anyone can said that your husband checking out another woman's panties right in front of you in not about you. While I do agree that it's not your fault but if it still affects you, then it's about you. He totally just slapped in the emotional face when he said that he's going to continue to do it until he gets some from you. That's not what marriage is about. We need to work to meet each others needs, not create more problems while trying to meet our own needs separately. You husband probably feels that his needs aren't being met and he has a right to get them met (which is true) but, he's communicating that to you in the most immature and worst way possible. I doubt he even understands the effect this behavior has on a women's self-esteem and a relationship. Communicate the impact his behavior has had on you and ask him if that's what he intended. Find out if he's willing to stop and ask him point blank what other ways he's tried to meet his needs. My feeling is that if he's willing to check out another woman right in front of you and your daughter; there are probably other things he's doing as well. Decide what you personally are comfortable having in your relationship. If you feel like you need help to get over this betrayal by your husband get it, but if you're hurt by this, then you aren't the only one who needs to change on this. Are you looking to get help to accept and allow behavior by your husband that hurts you or to help you forgive him on this one time offensive? Again be VERY open with him that you feel this is not acceptable behavior for your marriage and that he belongs to you and you belong to him. Ask him to be VERY open with you about what his needs are and together come up with a compromise until you get the actual sex thing worked out. You do have other options to fulfill his sexual needs other than letting him look at other women. Since he says that he likes visual stimulation, you could strip for him, dance for him, or wear sexy outfits for him and then follow that up with a hand job or blow job. Maybe he'll be ok with just looking at you naked and taking care of himself, but the point is talk about it and let him tell you how much he needs and what alternatives will be fulfilling for him. The answer is never I'm seeking fulfillment elsewhere until I get it from you. I don't think it's unrealistic for a husband to expect sexual fulfillment in a marriage, so you need to be willing to meet those needs somehow. I wish you guys the best and feel free to PM if you want more on the alternatives, I didn't want to get too detail here. =)
i'm not sure what to say about the relationship part, but as far as the sex, i think you should talk to your OB/GYN! sex should be enjoyable for BOTH of you, and there may be issues you have no idea are going on that is getting in the way of you enjoying sex. and i totally understand that you are sometimes just too tired, but i guarantee it would make your hubby (and in turn, yourself) happy if you roll over in bed and say "you want a quickie?" tell him ahead of time that if you say it's time for a quickie, he has to do all the work and be done in 5 minutes. what's 5 extra minutes if it will help your husband feel satisfied?
Unfortunately, you will probably lose your marriage over this if things don't change. Your husband is struggling as well as you are. He will seek attention elsewhere. It takes a VERY strong man to put up with lack of sex, especially when married. Even if you don't like sex - I didn't the first 5 years of my marriage - you need to make yourself more available to him. Try wearing sexy lengerie under your normal clothes to help put you in the mood. It is an act of love, especially when it is a sacrifice. Show him that act of love as much as lies within you. Your marriage will be better off overall. Plus, the more you have it, the more often you will enjoy it (when he tries to please you), and the more you enjoy it, the more you will want it. Most importantly - PRAY that God will give you a desire to please your husband, that God would allow you to desire and enjoy sex, that God will keep your husband attracted and faithful to only you, that God will keep you focused on your marriage. God answers prayer. You should also consider taking something that balances your hormones, preferably naturally. That may help. God will give you the strength to do this if you ask him!
Bless your heart. You have been honest with yourself. That is the first step.
Next decide if you truly love your husband? Do you truly want to stay married to him?
If yes, tell him you love him and want to work on this issue and you are going to be proactive about it. Keep him informed every step of the way.
Next make an appointment to get a full physical. Tell your Dr. what you just told us. Make sure there is not something physically wrong.
Next go and see a counselor by yourself. Again tell the counselor what you have said here. This person can help you find your way through all of your feelings. They can give you the tools you may need to find your way back into a physical relationship.
I am going to assume you will need to go to a marriage counselor. Not just to save your marriage, but to be an outside person who can help the two of you really communicate. I was so reluctant to go to a marriage counselor, but it was incredibly helpful to really learn some different techniques in communication. It really brought me and my husband together when we were not in the same place at the same time in our marriage.
If you do not have the energy to do any of this, tell your husband to help you make these appointments and you need his help delivering you to these appointments. Being a new mom, a wife, and a lover takes a lot of energy and if your body, heart and mind are not up to it, you will not be able to help yourself, much less your family.
I am sending you good thoughts. Hang in there, this can be fixed. Thank you for asking for all of our help.
I'm sorry to laugh, but I my husband does that too. I am so tired by the time I get to bed after a young child and teaching all day, sex isn't a thought.
We had to compromise. I had to make the effort for a romantic time period (even if it only included candles or me initiating)at least once a week-usually on the weekend when I wasn't on such a time rush . He would try to quit looking. Needless to say, I would look at a good looking guy too. In the end, I usually say something like, "That's not the best color of undies for her." "Wait till you see mine....they're invisible." Then we all laugh and go on. A sense of humor goes far! I hate to say it, but a man usually gets a hard on when the wind blows and the smell of perfume is in it. LOL and have some fun!
I'm sure you are aware that men link physical sex with love. He's not feeling loved if you go several weeks without it and they WILL find it other places if they don't get it at home. Maybe you should speak with someone about finding physical pleasure in it - God did create it so BOTH male and female could enjoy it. If you change your attitude toward it, it'll make a huge difference to your husband - I'd start by setting up a date night once a week and just KNOW/plan to have sex during the evening (don't make excuses). He needs it to feel you love him, and if you do, it's what HE wants.
Dear Annabel,
Bless you with your honesty and transparancy with an akward subject. I highly recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." It's a short-read and will help you understand the differences in how a male and female think, and their different needs for intimancy. Perhaps reading this will help you understand your own feelings and perhaps it will kindle a fire of passion. Talk frankly to your OB/GYN, just like you have on this forum. Your hormones may be off and libido low. There are natural remedies for low libido. Make sure your doctor, or another professional understands the depth of the issue - that it is affecting your marriage.
Males are testosterone driven, sexually charged, beings and your husband needs a "release" often. Perhaps there are other ways to meet his needs. You are wise to face this problem head-on, and now. If he doesn't get it from you, you are setting your relationship up for an affair no matter how much he loves you. A girl at the office who appreciates him and listens to him will become more attractive than a tired wife.
I don't mean to sound like you should go through the motions out of fear of losing him. My hope is that with help, sex will become an enjoyable, intimate part of your marriage for both of you - the way God designed it.
So much advice, here. I just want to say that you are not alone in the way you feel. As hard as it is, try to do once in a while. I feel the same way as you. But I tell myself, two minutes and it is done... I have physical issues, emotional issues from the past and present. I personally have been tested, tried creams, and nothing helped my libido. My husband is very understanding and I understand that he has needs as well. Anyway, I am rambling.... you are not alone by any means. Take in all the advice given here and do what you can. You are trying.
I understand more than you could ever know. My advice is this... first and foremost, have sex with your husband!!!!:) A marriage is a give and take. There are things that you need him to do and it would be unnaccceptable if he did not do what you need him to do in the marriage, I would imagine. Find whatever it is that you need to make sex more pleasurable for you. You could use a vibrator while having sex with him or try many other things. Just let yourself go to the idea that it is not a choice but rather a neccesary aspect of a healthy marriage. I would then highly reccomend seeing a counselor to help you both out. You could go together and separately until you both feel you are at a good place and then just go whenever you need it. You really can't afford not to go. I have two children ages 3 and 1 and my husband and I are in counseling for a similar situation. From talkign to other moms it is clear to me that not many moms are very interested in sex. It makes sense because our bodies are satisfied because we have already done what we were programmed to do, have babies. Unfortunately I don't think the men were programmed in the same way. I hope I have been helpful. I have one more thing to say...have you ever heard that smiling will actually make you internally start to feel happy? Well think about having sex with you husband and start doing it more and you will probably start to want to do it more. You say your little girl is the love of your life...your husband should be as well if you are to have a happy family for your little girl. You guys have to put your marriage first so that you can be there for your little angel. Good luck!
Amy
Annabel, I work with a group of people that help make money from home. I was a single mother of two and worked with this group to replace my teaching salary and stay home. Make no promises but would be delighted to talk with you. Email me at [email protected] or call me at 218-4852. Look forward to hearing from you. Betty
He is down right inconsiderate and I am baffled on how he told you he would continue to do it until you give him sex. No women should ever be treated like that no matter what the situation. I know exactly what you are going through, I'm one of those women who is not that sexual and could go with out it. Why? I have no clue but my husband is very sexual and I have gone through things with him though that I didn't approve of, long story short I said no more and I would not put up with it. I have 2 girls and I would never want for them to go through that so why should I. You are a woman of God and I would pray about it. He knows are needs and wants and will get you through this. Their is always room for forgiveness with your husband and pray for him as well, if he loves you like he says he does things will work out. I will be praying for you and your family.
Blessings!!
One of the main objects of marriage is to provide a man with one of his basic needs......SEX. I mean, would you starve your dog, then make wear a muzzle and throw steaks into his cage every single night? It is TORTURE to him! If you value your relationship you will find a way to make this work. I NEVER condone cheating, but YOU are pushing him towards having impure thoughts when you aren't the object of his affections. If he doesn't give you enough foreplay or touch you how you need, then TELL him and show him what he needs to do. HE WANTS YYYYOOOOUUUU....NOT the girl at the photo place (not that he was right to be so blatant in staring). It should make you feel special that he wants to be with you! If you really didn't like it THAT much, (at the risk of sounding crass) you should NOT have married a human man.
girl is your husbands name cody, me and my husband went through the same thing i could go forever without it and he always wanted it, i went to doctors and they just gave me something for my hormones and it only gave me hair on my lip so that went out the window my advice to you is just give it to him cause if you dont someone will be smart dont lose him to some girl that that has no morals and will just give it to him and may not only give him sex he might be getting more than just sex it could be a std then what you have to deal with that maybe try working out 3 days a week that made me feel better about myself and i didnt mind it so much i wanted it also. good luck
Hi! Just a thought, but I KNOW my DH will never stray b/c he doesn't have to.. he is satisfied.. it really is the best feeling in the world to know your hubby doesn't need to go elsewhere, or even think of it.. because he has plenty of love at home. Maybe try making it a routine.. after awhile, it will become fun.. but please do something..if the situations were reversed, I am sure you would be devestated, as being turned away is devestating to the male ego.