Screaming Temper Tantrums

Family & Parenting Discipline & Behavior
1

My 2 1/2 YO son has started having screaming temper tantrums for no apparent reason. He's totally uncontrollable, verging on violent (on Saturday he pulled out chunks of my hair and bit my shoulder) and completely unresponsive to anything we would normally do to calm him down. He's had 2 of these "episodes" - one this past Friday (12/1) and one on Saturday (12/2)...he started another one on Sunday but my hubby popped him on on his backside and said, "Don't you even start, buddy..." and somehow we managed to avoid the screaming.

The one that happened on Saturday was particularly horrible, and left me in a sobbing puddle on the kitchen floor after having called my husband (in tears) begging him to come home and help me (which he did...he was home in a nano-second!). I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant w/ our 2nd child and am not physically capable of restraining a screaming, kicking, temper tantrum-throwing 2 YO.

Help! I feel like such a failure because I couldn't determine what was wrong with my son and help him in some way and hurt because he was pulling out my hair and biting me. Any thoughts, suggestions or simply kind words would be most appreciated.

Thanks,
Jennifer S.

2

Jennifer,

Oh, how I remember these times with my son. He's not even two yet, but started these "terrible twos" tamtrums (very similar to what you described) around 18 months or so.

I also am pregnant -- due with baby #2 in early January. So, I also had trouble handling these fits because of my physical state! They started out of the blue with no warning, and lasted about 5 weeks or so.

My son would have the tantrums sometimes as many as three times a day, pretty much every day (or every other day) of the week. I was at my wit's end and didn't know how I was going to be able to handle two with him doing this!

At home, I would often ignore the tantrums after finding that whatever else I tried to do didn't work to stop them or calm my son down. But, in public, these fits posed a different challenge. When he threw these tantrums in public, I would pick him up and try to restrain his arms (so he wouldn't hit me) and hold him close to me (hard to do that pregnant!) and remove him from the situation. I'd put him in his car seat and we'd go home.

I spent a lot of time at home those several weeks -- fearing him embarrassing me in public and me having to wrangle him in front of other people. I'm a stay-at-home Mom now (have been since he was about 13 months old).

From what I was told from friends with older children, this is most likely the "terrible twos" and will pass. My son has gotten much better -- just on his own. He will still throw smaller, more controlled tantrums sometimes, but they are very infrequent and easier to deal with.

From what I've read and been told, a lot of this comes from communication issues. They have lots to tell you and aren't capable of doing so completely at this age. And, they're learning so much and so much is happening to them.

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice. But, I can tell you that it will probably pass (although it might seem like a lifetime until it does). Hang in there. Congrats on baby #2! And, good luck with your first! ;)

Holly

3

first of all, please don't think of youself as a failure. We have all been there. I have 2 girls 3 and 4 so I've had tantrum issues also. My problem was not giving enough attention to the older one as I was getting closer and closer to my due date. I decided to put my older one in a mommies day out program 3 days a week. The tantrums stopped. My husband was in residency so he was no help and putting her in the program allowed her to get attention from other people and they were also helpful in preparing her for another sibling. I hope this helps.

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Im so sorry to hear you are goin through all this. I know exactly how it feels and the first thing I found that helped was actually pampering him when he done it. My son was aweful and we took him to counseling for it just to find out that he felt left out and at two how do you know thats whats goin on in their little minds. He would just go off on me for no reason, but when I started making just mom and him time just to do whatever he wanted it started gettin much better. Im not sure if it will work for you but it couldnt hurt and you gotta be willing to try anything right now cause if you dont it could be possible for one of his tantrums to end up hurting you and the unborn. I know he would never hurt you purposly but it is possible. good luck sweety

5

Ok girl hang in there been there in it now, first of all spanking always works for me when they are that bad but you are pregnant and can't do that i see. So two suggestions, Can you son talk up to appropriate age level? some children have speech proplems and get frustrated cause they can't communicate well. the other you could flip his door knob around to his room, Make sure that room is baby proof. And lock him in there till he comes down. thanks

6

I am the husband of a subscriber and she wanted me to make that clear to everyone because I generally do not sugar coat things. Now I mean you no disrespect because your problem is certainly not uncommon but what you are dealing with is not the terrible twos. There is no such thing. What you are dealing with is a lack of dicipline. I'm a paramedic so I see this everyday. I think that maybe parents just don't see it anymore. Dr. Spock has no clue how to raise a child. I can bet you his kids are awful even though millions of people buy his books. You must be stern. You must spank, painful or not. I am a liberal spanker. If I can find a reason to spank I will spank. Funny thing is I spank my oldest child about 2-3 times a year. Why is that? Because he knows up front the consequences for his actions. I never threaten if you do this again this is what will happen. When I say it I mean it and it is done. No matter how you slice it you must spank your kids. They must know who is in charge. I have a 9 year old boy and a 6 month old boy. Not a day goes by that we don't get compliments about our childrens behavior. We never had the "terrible twos". Now I'm sure some of you think they must be little robots then and not normal. I can assure you my kids are very normal. They play like the other kids they make mistakes like the other kids and I spend alot of time with them. But they know when something is said they had better do it or pay the consequences. And a spanking for me isn't a tap. When I'm done they know I was there. Not abusive ( I dispise child abusers ) but I get the point across. I hope this helps and don't feel alone I see it everyday. There is a severe lack of dicipline in this society and you are certainly not alone. It's a hard thing for parents to accept but I promise you if you try it and it will take some time your problems will end. I use my kids as an example and I am proud to give anyone a chance to critique my childrens behavior! If you don't get this under control while they are still impressionable you will have nothing but problems when they get older. They have to know who the boss is and that tantrums are not acceptable. Good luck!

7

MY 3 Y.O. DID THE SAME THING. I LEFT HIM ON THE FLOOR AND ACTED LIKE I WAS IGNORING HIM. HE EVENTUALLY GREW TIRED OF NO ATTENTION TO THE FIT AND QUIT. THIS COME FROM THE ADVICE OF HIS DOCTOR. I WAS TOLD IF IT WAS POSSIBLE TO IGNORE IT TO. THE DOCTOR SAID IT IS A WAY TO GET ATTENTION AND WHEN THEY CANT GET IT ANYMORE BY KICKING AND SCREAMING THEY STOP. IT STILL MAY TAKE A WHILE AND A FEW MORE FITS, BUT HE WILL STOP. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, DONT THINK THAT, KIDS JUST NEED TO ACT OUT SOMETIMES. MY LITTLE BOY WOULD KICK, SCREAM, HIT, BITE, AND ALL ELSE BUT I WOULD JUST PUT HIM DOWN AND WALK AWAY. HOPE THIS CAN HELP YOU A LITTLE.--ANGIE

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My daughter which is 17 now had those around the same age. I just throw a fit right along with her an after a while it stopped. Mine had a bad habit of beating her head on the floor and I would chase her around shoving a pillow under her head. I wouldnt pick her up I would just fall in the floor and have my own fit Right in front of her.

9

I agree with the advice that Holly gave you. I was in the exact same situation when I was very pregnant with #2.

At the time my 2 year old would have out of control tantrums. I ignored the tantrums at home (I first said, "You are very mad and you need to cool off. When you are ready to talk to me, let me know" and then I let her work it out). I tried to go grocery shopping with out her, when I could, to avoid the out of the house tantrums.

Once the baby was born, she calmed down quite a bit. At the time I thought it would be tougher for her with a new baby, but it wasn't. I think that your son knows that something in his life is going to change, but he has no idea how. He also has no idea how to communicate those feelings and it manifests itself in strange ways.

I always try to remember that when my daughter has a tantrum, it does not mean I'm a failure. All kids have them. It's important to have a plan for when they do happen and be consistent and calm. I know it's much easier said than done!!

Hang in there!!

10

Hello Jennifer, My 3 yr. old daughter started the temper tantum thing right before she turned 3. She would go out of her way to kick and hit me. Now she only did this after she had spent the night at great grandma's house but i know how it feels. I ended up having to take things away from her that she really enjoyed. Like not going to great grandma's house, dolls and things. I also did the corner thing and we also had to do the spanking. The spanking some days was the only way that we got her attention and was able to make her stop. take each day at a time. It will get better.

11

FIrst of all Jennifer, you are not a failure ok? Good Lord, if I counted myself a failure every time one of my kids acted out, I'd be in the loony bin by now. You are overwhelmed, been there and done that.

If this continues, I would look at food allergies. I have known several people that say the same thing you're saying only to find their children had developed a food allergy that turned them into Dr. Hyde. Keep a food log if you can and see if you don't see a pattern of behavior and food consumption. If so, go to a doctor and have that looked at.

Another thing that helps is routines. Kids thrive on routines, knowing from hour to hour what they will be doing. Loads of 'free time' often leaves them over stimulated and they don't know what to do with all that energy so it comes out in fits or tantrums. As you are a working-outside-the-home-mom, is he in a daycare where things may have changed? A new child in the room may be disrupting things for him and showing him patterns of behavior that you don't accept.

And as a working mom and pregnant, you are exhausted I know. Evening routines help too, quiet time with him reading or playing his favorite game. Since I'm not in your home I don't know, you may be doing this already. But it winds him down & relaxes you too so you can enjoy one another. And on weekends, try & keep his routines the same, get up time, go to bed time and have perhaps 'fun weekend time with mommy & daddy' things for him to look forward to during the week.

I have raised, and continue to raise, 5 kids and trust me. There are terrible 2's. Yes, a lot of kids 'fits' are due to lack of discipline, but not all. Sometimes you'd swear your child's been replaced by a pod person! Hang in there, this too shall pass. Oh one more thing that worked WONDERS with my youngest, who is now 9, a chart. He would get fun stickers for good behavior and black dots for poor behavior. He hated the black dots & what that meant in terms of consequences. We even used the black dots when we were part of a homeschool coop with his other teachers, it worked great.

So hang in there Jennifer and let us know how he's doing. BTW, congratulations on your pregnancy & try & get some rest!

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13

Well, it seems that my little son is satisfied with just the two tantrums…for now. I want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice! You mommies (and daddies) are great!

The one thing I would like to say, though, is in response to the suggestion that he’s throwing tantrums due to our lack of discipline. My husband and I firmly believe in discipline and getting him to listen and behave, especially in public. We do not shy away from spanking him if necessary, though we definitely do not abuse him in any way. Sometimes a good pop on the backside is the only way to get his attention and make him understand that we mean business. If he throws a fit in public, we simply drop what we’re doing, remove him from the situation, and discipline him as necessary.

Recently, we had to let him learn a lesson that no one likes to let their children learn; that coffee cups and their contents are HOT! He grabbed my hubby’s cup off the counter after repeatedly being told “No”, burned his hand on the cup and spilled a small portion of it on his shirt. It scared him and it hurt and I KNOW he’s learned his lesson. (He’s fine, by the way…a cold pack and a few kisses worked miracles.)

Anyway - thank you again for all your thoughts and suggestions. I really do appreciate them…and you!

J. S.