Hi - my husband and i have been together almost 20 years, most of them good, but have always tended to fight periodically (and when we do it is not in a good way - name calling, put downs, etc. We are in a bad spell right now, both initiating arguments over everything. We haven't had any time together in forever, not even a date night, and have been irritable with each other. i know we need to spruce things up, but at this point, it is difficult to start that process when we are not happy with each other. we have even talked about divorce, but both of us really don't want that. we just want to be happy together, and give a good example to our beautiful children. anyone been through this before and have ideas for how to jump start their relationship? i know i have not been the best wife, b/c i have focused more on the children than my husband, and am quick to get upset about things, and always running late (which he can't stand). He is a great father, used to be a great husband until recently when he says he has quit making efforts, he helps around the house a lot, and travels a bit. his issue is once he is angry, he holds onto that for a long time, and will only focus on the negative things, forgetting the efforts i have made, and paying attention only to the times i am difficult. how do i change both our behaviors? we have tried counseling in the past for a short period, years ago, but didn't see it working then. do churches offer counseling services? we can't afford a lot right now, and looking into counselors - they are expensive. any help for us? thanks.
Look into Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness. You do the program at home and he helps you focus on falling back in love with each other and not focusing on the past. Hope this helps God Bless.
I don't know where you are located, but lots of churches offer FREE marriage counseling and you don't have to be a "member" of thier church. Good churches want to save marriages, no matter the cost to them. God hates divorce, it says so several times in the Bible. I am in the Conroe area. If you are here also, give me a shout and I can recommend some good churches in the area that have good programs for what you and your husband need.
Have a great day!!
http://www.safer4myrugrats.com
alot of times your insurance company offers counseling as well as churches.
i am sorry you are going thru this. I am a mom of two babies....My husband and i just went thru a very similar situation. It was very difficult and heart braking. we also talked about divorce, but both didnt want it...we love our children too much to put them trhu something like that. And deep down we knew we truly loved eachother too. but in the heat of the moment...verbal abuse.etc. it was hard to reconnect due to the baggage and the pain.
This is how we resolved it without planning...it just happened.
i moved back into my parents...i felt like it was going to be permanent (it only lasted 4-5 days) i took all of my clothes and shoes...and some of our babies. i did that to leave him the impression that i was so serious...which i was, then we causually had a "date" coffee break to talk over things....and we realized we were better off toghether. The point is that when you are completely away from your partner, you give your self some time to heal. I found it difficult to see him every day because the tiniest little insensitive comment he or i would make, would explode into a bomb due to our underlying pain.
Now we are back on track and couldnt have survived without a break apart.
i know that every relationship is different...and i truly hope you and your husband find the best and right solution
God bless you.
I just wanted to let you know that your email resonated with me and that you are NOT alone. Right before your email there was another one on the Mamsource page, and it wasn't mine! I, as well as others, can empathize with you. I will be anxious to see what kind of responses you get as it will apply to me as well. My hubby and I come from different backgrounds (he's an only child, Baptist raised, divorced family, me-youngest of 6 with parents married almost 50 yrs before my Daddy died of a rare form of cancer and a Catholic upbringing)which I think really fuels the fire and he just doesn't have the ability to relate. Case in point I have been up with our 18 mo old every night since Wed. and he undoes everything I do in those wee hours, catering to her, picking her up, not exercising tough love when EVERYTHING has been done, diaper check, Tylenol, pats on back, etc. It is very frustrating and I feel you. Best of Luck! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
There is a wonderful book called Romancing Your Husband I picked up at either HEB or Walmart that gives some wonderful ideas. I became a widow after 24 1/2 years of marriage in 2003 and have gone through the grief process. I found out just how much I miss him, I miss picking up dirty socks, feet on the table, snoring, the good stuff and all those things that used to irritate me. I miss all those things I took for granted--the handiman, my best friend, father, lover, provider,companion. Please think about this and take time to thank your husband for all he does, and let him know how much you appreciate him. Pray for direction and guidance on how to improve and invest time in this marriage and each other. Take a day when you can fix your husbands favorite dinner, spend time together, just playing like when ya'll were kids, or during dating. Talk and really listen, leave little love notes for him, even if it simply says, I Miss You. Wake him up lovingly once in a while. Run a nice hot bath for him, give him a back rub, neck, shoulders. Say I love you often and mean it. Write the lyrics down or have him listen to a song that pours out your heart. Be sure to forgive and try never to go to bed angry with each other. Take the time to try to work it out. Make a list of what you need or want out of this marriage, and ask your husband to do the same, then exchange lists. You take care of his needs, and let him take care of yours, in other words become one a bit of you is in him and a bit of him is in you. When you strive for unity and have the Lord smack dab in the middle of it,it is awesome what changes and blessing occur. Pray together, hold hands, relish the time that God has given you together. Go back through old love letters and keepsakes of your life together. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your husband.
As a single mom of three kids who realizes in retrospect many of the things she did wrong, I have a couple of ideas for you. First of all, you really only can change yourself. The cheapest and easiest changes will be in doing some of the things you already said you know: be on time if it kills you because you know it's important to him. Show him he's important to you by doing as many things as you reasonably can to put him first, like giving him a kiss and some focused attention when he comes through the door after work, cooking his favorite foods, making yourself attractive to him however you can, and being open to sex. You may not see changes right away, and (VERY IMPORTANT) you may even see him act out negatively just to make sure you are serious. But if he does love you, you should see some positive changes in him pretty soon too (that's when you start to get a positive cycle going, rather than the negative one that seems to be going on now). Unfortunately, it's usually the person who sees the need for change that has to take the initiative to humbly make changes for the better that are within their power. I don't mean you need to grovel, but I've known many marriages that have been completely turned around from the brink of disaster with simple techniques like these. I realized all this too late, and I hate to see other people go through it!
The Samaritan Center is a Christian based organization that bases it's fees on ability to pay. I know they have an office at Christ Church United Methodist 936-273-2030 in The Woodlands and if you call the church they'll give you the number to the center to make an appointment.
The Five love Languages is also a good book to read to jump start a relationship again. If YOU make the first move and treat HIM the way he needs to be treated, it's AMAZING the results that come out of your effort!!!
Good Morning;
You already know the problem, why spend money with a counselor when you "Know" the problem! You left out the ages of your children which can have a big bearing on your situation.
Us men are sort of like "Robots"! Sorry to sound so plain but
it is the truth. We some times feel neglected when we are doing our best to try and provide for our family. We marry because we do not feel we can live without the person we marry, then here comes a couple of rug rats that take all that person we loves attention.
Arguments and fighting over "Nothing" is really a total waste of both of your times and as you said, things are said that you don't mean but it is said to "hurt" the other person or
to win the argument.
You said you've been married for 15 years so I have to guess that the kids are both under 15. Get their little butts out
of the house and even if you don't feel like it, dress up in
a french maid outfit and have an evening of "Special" sex.
That's just a short term cure. What you really need to do is
start making him "Feel" special again, the way you did the first years of your marriage. I think that if you put the effort out to make him feel special, he then in turn will start to make you "Feel" special also!
Marriage is a 75-25 deal. You give 75 and expect to receive 25.
All marriages go thru rough times, quit looking at your husband as the man he is today and think of him as the knight in shinning armour that you fell in love with 16 years or so ago!
A man that is about to celebrate his 51st anniversary!
Bill C
Most churches to offer all types of counseling, and especially marriage counseling as they all see it as a sacred covenant not to be entered or left lightly.
There are also marriage retreats of all kinds, through churches, and other places, some are for counseling some to spice up your marriage in other ways...these are usually weekend getaways for the couples where you focus entirely on your relationship.
Other than answering this aspect of your question I am stumped as to how to help you further. I myself have only been married 5 and a half years. We argue as well, but it is usually a tension reliever and shortly afterwards we talk out what is really bothering us so we can work towards resolving the underlying issues.
I wish you and your spouse the best of luck in this difficult time and hope there are moms out there with some terrific advice for you!!! If you would like me to research some of those marriage retreats in your area send me a line and i will see what i can do for you... ;-)
I am sorry you are experiencing a difficult time right now. One of the books you might want to pick up is called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" , by Pat Love. Any of her books, books by Harville Hendricks, Pia Mellody, Claudia Black, Melody Beatty...all will help YOU. Basically, what I've discovered, after 27 years of marriage, is that I first must take care of me, my own needs, first. Happiness is an inside job. Respecting myself, believing I'm worth being treated with dignity and respect goes a long way in also respecting my husband. I can ask for a lot of things, but if I'm not willing to reciprocate the respect, it can cause hard times and hard feelings....ie...being on time...Learning how to set boundaries about the way I'm treated is my job, not the other person's job to guess at what I want. Disagreements are part of life. Name calling, etc is hurtful and disrespectful of myself and the other person. Romance...comes and goes. Part and parcel of the life cycle. Raising a family is hard work and yes, you must make time for each other. You've gotten some great feedback already and great suggestions. I hope my comments are helpful also.
Sincerely,
Jacki
I think all marriages go through something like this when they are long lasting. The key is decide if you really love this man and if you do, then resolve that nothing is going to let you divorce him. Think back to what attracted you to him in the first place, what he was attracted to you. This isnt always easy, but if you really want this man, it becomes easier. I decided to follow basic bible principles... forsaking all others and putting him 'on a pedestal' so to speak. It worked amazingly. When he realizes that you really love him and respect him for the person he is, he will start to do the same for you... maybe in different ways, but it works. My husband and I went through two different times where I thought about just giving up. It would have been easier to just quit, but I love him. Deep down, that was the heart of it all. In our case, he loves golf. I decided I either had to let him play all he wanted and not say anything about how much he went, go with him and drive the cart, or learn to play. He became my coach and best friend again when I asked if I could start playing with him. Our children are older now (20 and 27), but back when this was going on, it was hard to just say... dad and I are going golfing, here is breakfast when you are ready, I have my cell phone if you need me, I love you, see you in a few hours. I know if the children are a lot younger, that is harder, but get a babysitter. Communication and time alone is crucial. I am happy to say we just celebrated our 28th anniversary, we are more in love than ever, and it is fun to watch people who think we are newlyweds!
i had read ALL the books
this is the one that changed our marriage (of 17 yrs).
http://WWW.amazon.Com/Man-Her-Dreams-Woman-His/dp/0976638819
the change that has come over my husband is nothing short of incredible.
God's best to you!
Hi Mommy, been there done that. Many churches offer counseling. You can only change yourself, the changes in your husband will have to be his idea and his time frame. To my surprise, I found that much of what I was mad at my husband about was a reflection of how bad I felt about myself. The first thing I would do is print out rules for fair fighting. Name calling is out. Change response to "I feel (humiliated, insulted,angry, etc.) when XYZ happens. If the argument hits a raw nerve, you can say I need 15 mins, or half hr, to calm down. It is that person's responsibility to return to the discussion after the time they've requested. Storming out and driving away or not returning for hours is unacceptable. These rules indicate a willingness on both parties to continue to work out a solution together. It is fair to say "I don't know. I need to think about that." My husband is a real on time person. He agreed to dress the 2 youngest children so I could have time to dress, do hair and makeup when we went somewhere so that I could feel better about myself rather than the disheveled, thrown together mess. (That solution came about when I was still dashing around snatching up kids and diaper bags while he sat in the car honking for me to hurry up. I told him I would be glad to get myself ready then get in the car and honk at him while he gathered the children and necessities.LOL) It can work with both parties effort. Your relationship will improve if you think of one thing he is/does that you are thankful for. Not every counselor is a good fit. If one doesn't work, try another.
Idea: One spouse plans the whole date(food, activity, destination)ie: Chinese take out, at the park picnic style. Couples need to Trust that their spouse will make choices that both will enjoy. Peace!
I think you are on a good path knowing your weak points for one another. You can't do anything about him but you can with yourself. Don't put your kids first its a good recipe for disaster. The kids know they are strung in between the two of you and trust me its more responsibility to them than fair. They somehow will feel responsible for holding the family together. If you want to put your kids first and make them secure put your marriage first. Your kids will feel secure. They will fall under the safety net. You and your husband standing by each other and them knowing that you are one is the ticket. Your kids are going to grow up one day and you will only have your husband then. If you want your kids to want to stop by then make a home they'll come home to. Get a sitter and you to go out. Sounds funny but when you and your kids see that you two are a tower and that they fall under it they'll be smiling inside. Name calling don't do it. All the negative things anyone ever says to each other sticks more than any good word someone can come back and try to undo. Start thinking of your husband the way you felt when you fell in love. My grandma who was married 66 years when she passed away before my grandfather always said if it want make a hill of beans in two weeks from now don't bring it up and of course she always told us if you can't say something nice then don't say anything. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can cherish each other they way you once did.
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Just so you know, my husband & I have been married for 22 years and have also been through a lot. One of the most important things I have learned as a Christian and a wife is that if you are always focusing on how you feel and what makes you happy you will be miserable. Selflessness is a win-win for everybody. If you are focused on making your husband happy and he is focused on making you happy, you both win. We committed to work together to make our marriage healthy. First and foremost, if you haven't done so yet, commit your life to Christ and begin praying for your husband daily. We counseled with our Pastor who loaned us a book about relationships. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. It gives great insight on how each of us feel and respond differently to issues and circumstances, etc. In other words it will help you understand him better and vice versa which will help you both to communicate more effectively. Anything you do will take a commitment from both of you. Also remember, the best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage. Hope this helps. God bless!
When my husband and I got married 9 years ago, our pastor gave us a book called "As For Me and My House." I absolutely LOVE that book. The most important thing it teaches you is that your marriage is like a child - it needs its own one-on-one attention and nurturing to grow and develop. Sometimes in order to do that we have to just take a step back, look at ourselves, and make adjustments. You can't control or change your husband, so focus on what you can do yourself to make things better. Realize that he's grumpy and try to help him get over it, and let it slide off your back if you want to stay together and move forward. Don't give him a reason to be angry at you, or at least try your darnedest. (Not that you don't do that now) You need to try to shake everything off, go on a date, and start over again.
Hi there! My husband and I were on the verge of getting a divorce in which neither of us wanted. While he has been on deployment I took the time to really go over things in our marraige and found that if I started by changing myself, I could start to see results. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying that you need to start focusing on what you can do about how to start to change your marraige. I also bought a book called Every Man's Marraige at a local christian store to understand marraige better from my husband's point of view. (I did'nt agree with some thins that the wives said, but it really helped in how to talk with my husband.) I gave my husband the book and asked him to read it for the sake of our marraige and told him that I read it as well and will start reading every woman's marraige. Don't get mad if your husband doesn't just start changing thins little by little. Compliment him out of the blue instead of focusing on something negative, talk about things that bother you with him by saying when you do... it hurts my feelings, I was hoping we could talk etc. Listen to what he says even if you don't agree and then repeat what he's said to make sure you understood, like So your saying that.... Sometimes it's what we think we heard and it's all a misunderstanding. I went to counceling myself and tried to focus on building a new me not because I thought it was all my fault by I decided to start by building a better me. My marraige is better than ever, my husband feels he can approach me with things instead of feeling like why bother. We talk and we may not always agree with certain things , but we try to find the compromise that will best suit everyone(again not always easy). Surprise him with something, Like a picnic in the backyard with candles and his favorite meal and thank him for something small. Don't look for something in return all the time but be happy in the moment that you have a memory to cherish. Write out all the things you love about him and keep that list where you can see it and focus on that for right now while you two work things out. I hope this helps. Again I'm not saying this is your fault I'm saying that regardless of the outcome, YOu will have at the very least bettered your self and sometimes that's a good start. If your positive than the men usually follow. But that doesn't mean that your a doormat either, their are great ways to argue constructively without holding grudges and focusing on blame.