Religion issues with my own mother

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1

I was raised Catholic. My parents are still VERY catholic. However, as an adult, I am definitely NOT even remotely catholic anymore . I have a daughter, and although I am sure my parents sort of understand my stance on catholicism (that I am not into it). I don't think they understand the whole scope of it as we NEVER talk about it. I don't go to church at all, my parents do. I didn't get married in a church, etc. At some point, I figure it will come up that my mother will ask me what my views are and what I am teaching my daughter, but I am hoping that day will either come way later or NEVER. Should I bring it up on my own? The main reason I ask is that occasionally my mother watches my daughter overnight. Sometimes my daughter has gone to church with her on Sunday.

I don't like that. I am not wanting my daughter raised in the catholic faith.

So I actively try to get my mom to NOT babysit overnight on Saturday so this issue doesn't come up. I just don't ever "need" her on saturday late nights...But now that she is getting older, its more important because she is remembering things. And sometime my mom says "oh you should let her stay on sat night so i can bring her to church to show all my friends." But the problem is I don't WANT her to go to church with her, but Iam scared to say that to my mother!

What should I do? Should I ignore it, try to avoid saturday night sleepovers OR come forward and explain the situation now? I don't want a fight...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't judge me on my beliefs just understand that her belief is not mine. It would be like if you were Jewish and your mother was Baptist and kept bringing your kid to church or something... I don't want to get into my personal beliefs here, but I don't do church, at all.

2

Ok... I grew up Baptist and am now VERY involved in a non-denom church for 3 years now. My husband's parents are episcaple (sp?) and it's basically a branch off of Catholic. They take her sometimes but she thinks it's boring like I do, so I don't worry about it too much.
If you're up to it, I would try to find a church that you can be a part of and stable her there.
And you grew up ok right? That's the way I think of it...

3

I am Catholic. So are my parents. With all negative and disgusting and sadly true info. I understand you don't want to raise your daughter cayholic. I believe children should be raised with some type of religion. It doesn't have to be Catholic.
As far your mom watching your daughter. Do you trust your mom...and dad. Do they have good Judgement? Are they good with your daughter. They relationship a child has with grandparents I believe is a very important relationship.
Your mom taking your daughter to church I would let her. I would never stop the sleep overs. It would be so sad for your daughter not to have that special relationship with your parents..her grandparents. Everone benefits when you have lots of people to love your child.
Let taking your daughter to church be your moms thing.

4

If you don't like it, then you should find other means of sitting on Saturday if it leads to a Sunday church visit. I would not volunteer unsolicited information, maybe your mother has decided to leave you alone. If she asks, that is a different story.

If you feel so strongly about her not going and your mother feels strongly about taking her, you will have to get past that fear and tell her.

5

I was raised in a nonsecular home, so I wonder if my suggestion is even applicable to your situation...

I suspect your Mother already knows how you feel about practicing Catholicism. It seems that it is an integral part of her life and one that she raised you with intentionally. It seems, from your description, that the absence of Catholicism in your life would be obvious to someone who raised you with it. Perhaps she is trying to avoid conflict, respect your wishes/be respectful of your wishes, OR is in denial about it?

Either way, it seems like IF she were going to bring it up, she would have already done so before your marriage, when you were pregnant or when she was expecting you to baptize your daughter. So, if it is going to be brought up, it seems likely that you will have to start the conversation.

This appears to be a very, very important issue for you. I am trying to liken it to a (sort of) parallel situation; if someone is a vegetarian and is raising their family in the same way, and their mom brought their daughter to outback steakhouse every Sunday, and gave their daughter a prime rib, the parent of the daughter would probably feel upset. Now, I might feed my children meat, but that's not to say that someone else shouldn't. I know, though, that some get very upset about such matters. "WHY don't you feed your child BEEF! HOW could you do her the disservice of not provide COMPLETE nutrition and protein. There is NO way a child can be healthy without MEAT," they might say. And in response, "there are many different and complete sources of protein. I respect your wish to put animal products into your body. I have researched and thought about my decision. I have spoken to a nutritionist. My daughter will be meat free and healthy - and when she is older she can decide for herself."

So, from that perspective, I would suggest you bring it up to your mom in the most loving, respectful manner possible.

You obviously love your mom and want her to have a relationship with your daughter - and that seems like a good place to start and end the conversation. You simply don't want your daughter to go to church and, while it's likely your mom will take offense to that (since her friends and faith are within those walls), it's important to you that she does not. If it's possible, I suggest staying away from attacking her and her faith. Own your feelings and experience and explain that you respect her religious practice but don't want it for yourself or your daughter. Speak from a place of peace, confidence and respect.

Personally, I like the idea of my children getting to experience different cultures and religious ceremony, so I would be thrilled if a friend took them to pray at a synagogue, mosque, temple or church. I imagine that if I were devout Catholic/Jewish/Hindu/Buddhist/Athiest I would feel the same, but I really don't know because I'm not.

(this has been edited)

6

I was also raised in the Catholic church (as was my husband) and am not religious. We don't practice any particular religion, don't go to church etc... I totally hear what you're saying.

I would consider though, how you want your daughter to become educated about religion. Religion is unavoidable and questions involving religion come up especially as kids get older, enter school, have different sets of friends...(I don't know how old your daughter is).

I'm currently reading a book called "Parenting Beyond Belief". You might take a look at that just t get another perspective. If your Mom was taking her to church every Sunday it would bother me, but the random Sunday morning service that your daughter attends doesn't necessarily constitute raising her in the Catholic church... and they don't have to be your beliefs or hers (your daughters). But educating her about the beliefs of all people allows her an opportunity to choose what she wants to believe and give her information that will prepare her for religious questions and subjects later on.

My kids come home asking questions about what they hear at school. I tell them that different people believe different things. "What I believe is this... " and I use it as a teachable moment to open communication about it. I don't know... I used to be really against teaching my kids about anything having to do with organized religion, but it's so prevalent. I feel like it's a disservice to them not to provide them with information... how else can they make an informed decision about what they believe?

Good Luck~

7

Eventually, you're going to have to have the conversation with your mom (your option #2). Whether you want to do that now or later is up to you. Either way, I imagine that the outcome will be the same: you can't have your daughter spend Saturday night at grandma's house.

I'm curious why you're so nervous to have this conversation with your mom? If she knows that you're not into Catholicism yourself, it probably won't be a huge shock to her that you don't want to raise your child Catholic. Regardless, there's nothing to fight about it. You're the mom, and you get final say on how your child is raised.

8

Laura,

You are of legal age and still "scared to say things to your mother". I don't know how old your child is, but she will also be making her OWN decisions someday.

What is the harm of your daughter going to church? What foundation have you built for your child? What are your beliefs? No matter what they are, don't you think you child is better off being cared for by people who love her and also love you?

As mentioned, your daughter will grow up and make her own decisions about faith or none....just as you have. Going to church didn't change your mind. Let it be.

Blessings.....

9

Honestly I dont think it will hurt your kid to go to church with your mom. You changed when you got older and your daughter will make her decision when she gets older too. Just tell her you dont want your daughter involved to the point of first communion and any of that, but you dont mind her attending as long as she's enjoying attending. When your daughter tells you she doesnt want to stay on Saturday night because she doesnt like going to church with Grandma, THAT's when you can make that stand. It could be a lot worse, she could be taking your daughter to the bowling alley on Friday nights, kicking back a few drinks, cussing and carrowsing :)

10

I wouldn't "ignore it" so to speak but treat it more like a "pick your battles" kind of moment. Your mother isn't going to convert her to catholicism by taking her to church every now and then. Your daughter should be exposed to all the religions so she can make up her own mind. Like with anything, if you don't talk about it and hide it away, it becomes taboo and therefore VERY interesting. Truly the quickest way to turn your teenage daughter into a born again Christian is to never talk about religion and tell her to stay away from the Church. She'll be chomping at the bit to see what all the "no-no" is all about.

However, if you allow her to become exposed and are there to answer her questions about what you believe vs what other people believe, she will have the tools to make up her own mind. I was raised catholic just like you. I went to Sunday school and took first communion. In high school I was a year and a half into my confirmation classes when I put my foot down and said, "this is enough, no thank you." Of course my mother was upset, but she got over it. And even if she didn't, she's hiding it well.

My daughter will be allowed to sit in church if my mother wants to take her and I'll be here to answer all her questions when she gets home. "Some people believe this happened, and others believe it went like this. Still others believe this is the truth. What do you believe? What makes the most sense to you?"

She's a smart cookie. She'll figure it out on her own, just as we all did.

11

I totally understand where you are coming from. I've watched many of my friends drop out of the Catholic Church and have their parents pressure them to return.
In Europe people are writing letters to the church and the government dropping their membership. My brother in law asked me not to tell his parents.

In witnessing all the wriggling around about the situation not baptising, having children avoid communion etc. I have come to the conclusion that it is best to tell your parents that while you believe in God you no longer find him in church. (Or if you don't have faith anymore you can say that too.)
You have decided not to be religious or to practice. This is your decision and your husband's as I understand it and therefore you have a perfect right to raise your child as you see fit.
Yes it will cause some difficulty but in the end your mother will either respect your decision or you will have to do more than keep your child away on Saturday night. Priests have been known to secretly baptize and give communion to children whose parents don't want that.

Religion is a very personal matter. It's best to make it clear that the child will not be visiting at all if she is taken to church by your mother.

12

I don't think you can evade the issue forever, and as long as you do, your mom will never know what your wishes are. And you'll have more and more awkward moments where you don't know exactly what to say.

Have that talk with you mom. You'll probably have to have it in stages, because whatever you say in your first discussion will quite likely raise questions and arguments for her. That's okay; it's how we work our slow and awkward way toward clarity.

When you talk to her, do your best to keep your focus on what you DO want for your daughter, rather than what you don't want or reject about your mother's religion, because that will probably only trigger feelings of defensiveness, anger and despair in your mom. Once those feelings rise up, it's hard to keep listening. So try to keep it on the level of what you need, and why.

You may be surprised to discover that once these issues have been worked through (expect it to take weeks or maybe months), you may well have less negativity about your daughter occasionally visiting your mom's church with her. I personally don't think it harms young children to expose them to a variety of faith walks.

Your child will eventually have questions about what she hears in church and frm friends, or questions about religion(s) in general, and those will be teachable moments that allow you to explain what you believe and why. It does not mean the church will suck your daughter in and hold her prisoner. And if religion seems to her like a subject she can't or shouldn't bring up at home, she'll seek her answers elsewhere. So be proactive!

And some day she will need to choose for herself whether to be involved in a formal religion. It will help if the subject is not too taboo for your family to discuss calmly. Without that exposure, some religion or other may develop a romantic allure that neither you or your daughter will necessarily recognize as such.

In summary, I think good, caring, honest communication, even if the subject is difficult, is almost always preferable to no communication.

13

Going to a place of religious worship is ENTIRELY different from being raised in that religion. I should know I've

  • Been 'born Shinto'
  • Sung to God in temple, gone to hebrew school
  • Taken communion (ish) catholic / ( as well as anglican, protestant, southern black baptist, mormon)
  • Knelt to Mecca
  • Called the four corners
  • Burned prayers in temple (buddhist)
  • Worn Mendhi and thanked Shivva
  • Poured wine to the gods ... and many many more. Including the 'religion' of atheism (I include it as a religion, others don't). Monotheism, Polytheism, Shamanism, Spirits, Nihrvhana... all the different ways that religion has split, I've spent time in MOST of them... all before I was 14.

My parents, you see were "Never Again Catholic" and e=mc2 science, and were military. I went to the churches, synagogues, temples, shrines, forests, etc., of my friends and relatives. Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Full moons, solstices & equinoxes, funerals, weddings... Honestly, I bet there's some kind of religious observance 365 days a year, BEFORE one accounts for parties (weddings, wakes, bdays, remembrances) and grieving.

But I wasn't RAISED any of them. There's a difference, you know. I have passing familiarity with most religions, and I can comfortably walk into most places of worship and "do the right thing". But I don't "belong" to any of them. I could choose... I suppose... but I'm greedy. By going to so many, I believe they're all right (from atheism to polytheism all wrapped up in string theory). That's part of what being raised IN a religion does... it sets a "base line". I don't have a base line. (Some of my sibs have chosen their religions, some are like me and remain unaffiliated). I have no morals, yet I am a very moral person ;)

I think my mum was very wise. By keeping EVERYTHING above board... she got to hear about it ALL. She didn't ban us from attending religious services... even though she, at best, is agnostic... but is honestly more atheistic she just doesn't believe enough to disbelieve... instead she REVELED in us attending services. She talked with us about them, encouraged us in our learning about them, and was VERY open with those who took us to them. Nothing was done in secret... so SHE was never out of the loop.

Mass happens every day, and sometimes twice a day. Beyond that, priests will visit at home. If you want to know when your daughter is taken to mass, and what kind of exposure your daughter is getting (rosaries before bedtime, etc.)... if you don't want to be kept in the dark, I would suggest you flank your mother and bring it out into the open, instead of forbidding it or setting up roadblocks.

My mum didn't start out this way. I was baptized in secret (my granny / dad's mum snuck a priest into her home one afternoon to baptize me 'just in case') as were my next 2 sibs before my mother did the 'above board' method. I'm still not entirely sure she knows I was baptized. I'm disinclined to tell her if she doesn't.

14

I was raised Catholic. Then attended the Episcopal Church.
We were married in the Episcopal Church. We are Agnostic.
Our daughter is Agnostic.

You are an adult. You should speak with your mother. Not in an ugly way or a confrontational way, just with your own true reasons. Just let her know it does not mean you do not understand her love of the church.

I personally do not think attending any church every once in a while can hurt a child. If anything it is like attending a symphony or visiting a museum. It has its on history and will be valuable in your child's education.

IF your CHILD decides she is interested in finding a faith, would you allow this?

The reason I ask is that my sister and her ex husband do not follow any sort of religion but their children on their own are interested in searching for their "Religious Community" right now ( they are 13 and 16). My sister and her ex are not discouraging it.

Do not underestimate your mother and her beliefs. If you act as an adult, she will respect you as an adult.
I am sending you strength.

15

Ahh recovering Catholic ( sorry running joke with a friend) I have been down that road with my sister. You need to bring it up with your mom. I totally get the scared to tell her, I still cringe at some things I have to tell my mom. Be kind about how you present it, but it may cause some hurt for awhile or she may surprise you. My mom is good about excepting my belief, but it did take some time. She has never raised an issue about it. She gave my other sister grief but I think what helped me was my willingness to talk about what I believe, answering questions but making sure she understood that I will not come back to the fold so to speak. My sister is a little more forward and I have told her that I am considerate enough to honor her belief and support her sons, ( we still fold our hands to show respect when visiting for dinner prayer) so I want the same. I want my daughter to find her own path. If she wanted to go when old enough to make a decisions for herself. You may still have to keep with the Friday nights if you mom wants to do a Sunday service or you could ask her if she wanted to drop your daughter off on the way to church. Now that your daughter is older you will need to talk more about religion because she will be exposed to it everywhere not just your moms house. Good luck.

16

I would tell her that you appreciate her watching your daughter, but you really don't want her going to the church because of x,y.z. i would give the reasons plainly and calmly. if she has questions, answer her questions. most people who are christians will get upset if you say anything about church or etc. so i would be prepared for arguments whatever. i don't know how you feel about God, but i know that my family doesn't go to church, but we do teach the kids at home. so if that's what you do, just tell your mother that you teach straight from the Bible, and that way you don't get your manmade religion and all the opinions and twisted beliefs that come with it.

17

Can I just comment on what inciteful and thoughtful responses I see here? Wow, I'm impressed, ladies. I opened this question mainly because I'm in kind of the same situation and honestly expected this poor woman to be bashed with a bunch of zealots pumping her with their ideas. But I didn't. There are a lot of kind, caring women on this board. Thank you ladies.

Laura, I am living in a community where four out of five people practice a religion and go to church. Finding peers who think as I do is hard to come by. I find myself treading very lightly around my mom friends as most of them go to a church regularly and their religion is in the forefront. I respect their views and devotion, but don't always agree. I do find myself longing for that sense of community that you feel when you're part of a church. And I long for it for my children, too.

I'm sure your mother knows you don't practice or attend. It almost sounds as if SHE'S avoiding the conversation as well. I like the post that suggested that you speak to her gently and let her know you understand her love of church. I think it's okay to let your mom know you want your child to find their own way to religion.

18

It's kind of the elephant in the room, isn't it? The issue is there and nobody's talking about it.

If people are strong in their beliefs, there shouldn't be any reason why they cannot be discussed or mentioned. I think there is a huge distinction between going to church on occasion (visiting someone else's church) and being raised in that religion. However, if you don't want your daughter there under any circumstances, or if you are unsure about what your mother is teaching her or saying to her, that's another problem. I think you can calmly say to your mother that you know church is important to her and that she likes to show off her granddaughter to her friends, but that you would prefer your daughter not attend mass. Say that you do not want her to participate in the rituals of Catholicism (kneeling, crossing herself) and that you are concerned she may feel pressured to do what others are doing if she is there. That may bring out some more of your mother's opinions and you will have a better idea of what her mindset is, and whether or not she has an agenda. If she is just taking your daughter along so she can see what's important to Grandma and meet some people, that's one thing. If your mother is trying to influence her or feels your child won't go to heaven (and is telling her that), that's an entirely different issue.

You also don't say how old your daughter is - church could be pretty boring for a young child.

If your mother is extremely religious, then I assume there are religious objects in her home (crucifixes, rosary beads, etc.). Has your daughter ever expressed any curiosity about these items? Can you explain them in a calm and non-judgmental way? Say that they are symbols of Grandma's religion and they are items to be respected.

You have the right to raise your daughter the way you see fit, but you also are lucky to have grandparents for her.

You might be surprised that your mother is understanding. I am Jewish and my mother is Protestant, and she is very respectful and truly interested. I think it would be good for you to get clear on what turns you off about your religious upbringing so that you can have a rational discussion with your mother. Make it clear that it is about what you believe and not a condemnation of what she believes.

19

Well, I know you don't want to get into your own beliefs here, but it wouldn't bother me if my child went to a church of a different faith on ocassion. I think I would actually consider exposure to the beliefs of others a good thing even in they went to Temple with Jewish friends. It would bother me if someone who was an atheist or agnostic exposed my younger child to this (like maybe before the age of 13) so if that is the case, I would probably just avoid it unless it became a problem, then I would calmly discuss that I would prefer to wait until my child was older and could handle the concept of diametrically opposing views.

20

Personally, I think it's good for your daughter (and all children) to have exposure to differing beliefs (or lack there of). I think it makes them more tolerant of people's differences, I also think it helps them be reflective thinkers.

I also think it's nice for your mom and your daughter to form a bond that is exclusively theirs. And nice for your mom to show off her fabulous granddaughter to her church friends.

That said, YOU'RE the Mom and what you say goes. You will have to discuss it with her, share your feelings......at the risk of breaking her heart. If I were your mother, I would have to respect your feelings since YOU'RE the child's mother, but it would make me sad your daughter is missing out.

(I'd also like to say, if you'd have just plain HAD it with the Catholic Church, and lemme tell ya you're not alone, there are MANY MANY different Christian religions that you may prefer. Faith is a journey, there is more than one route to God!)

:)