Dear Michelle,
The situation you described is one that has taken place in my own family down to the very reactions of broken dish-hole in wall (only in our case it was a closet door) and even a child witnessing things and bawling.
There have been several such incidents in our marriage. Each time I have wanted to leave but like your situation, there is no family for me to turn to anywhere near enough to rely on and reasons why it made no sense to run immediately although a short overnight somewhere else could have been very helpful several times.
We too, have had financial restraint and were unable to afford counseling-or say a night in a hotel or whatever.
I have a very good idea of how you're feeling about this. You're hurt, scared for your children, outraged by his actions and by scaring the child. You are protective and rightly so of the baby you carry and yes, the situation was a bad one.
Most people will probably say this is cause to get out. I won't tell you what you should do because it is up to you as you know ALL the details and the man involved as well as yourself and you alone can decide what is best for you all.
What I will share, is what came of the situation I experinced which was very similar to yours.
I'm a SAHM. I have a chronic illness which is at times debilitating but I manage. I don't always have a neat house or meals planned. I'm really bad to wash loads of laundry but not fold them right away. Sometimes I fold it but don't get it put away right away...yet my job is to care for the house and I'm home all day to accomplish it.
During every time when it's been rough in our marriage and scenarios such as those you described took place it alwyas happened during extremely stressful periods. Such as when we'd just moved, my husband had begun a new job-his dad had died, our child was in the terrible two stage at 15 months-and I was lonely without family or friends in a new area...
After reading that even all I can say is well obviously we were both stressed. All it took was a few days of being low and a bad mood that escalated into a nasty incident. At that time though a wall did not get a hole and dish was not broken but there were higher stakes and it'd fall under physical altercation if it were a police report.
The most recent time was after several years of my husband being undervalued at his career job and always getting the worste part of every assignment. No wonder he was always in a black mood! Plus, things were still tight because of my chronic illness and then a few major medical expenses following miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and even appendicitis in a child who had ruptured and abcessed and had to have antibotic IVies for 6 weeks and then two more months of careful observation before appendectomy. My husband was so sick of his job and life as it was and we both were heading for our thirties-and he chose to jump towards law enforcement. His determination to join the DEA, FBI, local police, then Army was something I was completely against. I did not worry excessively about it as he had medical history as a child that I thought would prevent his acceptence almost anywhere. Turns out I was wrong and he was able to join the Texas National Gaurd Army. Boot camp was good for him in that he was able to grow in self confidence and see big results when goals were met. However it also made gave him a hair trigger for bad moods and made him much more confrontational. I was aware of how it would affect him.
To have a lousey company employ you despite being one of the best in your field and feel trapped there and unable to move...to be so disenchanted with your chosen career that you jump to an opposite career but chose to make it a side career so as to continue supporting your family and not make an enormous change and then not have a clean home to come home to.. to have the wife always sick...well, I can see why his black moods were constant and so bad.
I on the other hand was sick a lot, could not function well and was depressed by it and hurt and then angered by his behavior towards me. I considered leaving several times. I considered running to family and staying.
In the end, he was able to secur a better job which appreciates him and values his contribution so much that they go out of their way to let him know it and to work with him on all situations to crop up. Following Boot Camp he went to Iraq and served on the front lines. Doing everything by myself while he was deployed showed me just how much he does for our family that I'd taken for granted. I do not make a good single parent but I did what I could.
He's returned now and although he is gone from before sun up to after sun down and has very little time to do much with us during the week-and then has drills every few weekends things are much better.
What I do know is that his level of frustration had pushed him to the brink during those bad times. No excuses for his behavior but he hit a hole in the wall-NOT ME. I was not exactly a quiet, submissive wife who wasn't pushing things at the time either. A good slap is what I probably deserved and yet he needed one too. He needed to blow off steam but it was a volcanic eruption of stress that welled up. In my case-I broke dishes. A very good release. In his case-he pounded the closet door and left a rather large hole.(Two years later and it's still there but covered by an attractive robe I hung on the door. LOL)
Ok, so not funny. However you are able to see the stress you are both under. While what happened was not right in any way and you can not place yourself or your children in danger-do realize if he took it out completely on you or if he blew up at you and then took it out on the wall. We have a difficult job to do and being pregnant and having other children to juggle and raise is HARD WORK!!! It's grueling, stressful and doesn't stop. His job is to support all of you-to provide for all your needs and wants. Being laid off is one of the worste things that can happen to him. I would caution you to put safety first-but first decide if there's actual danger to yourself or if he's restraining his explosive anger when it occurs.
Counseling would be very good but even if we'd ever been able to afford it my husband would have refused to go! Typical male ego involved. Instead we've had to learn to not take every negative thing said as personal. To analize the situation we're in and realize how the other spouse is pressured and trying to deal and perhaps failing. It's not been easy.
I made a choice to prevent arguments from escalating. There are times when my husband goes off on a tirade. It has something to do with his military training now and I am able to see when it is comming. He is not able, yet, to turn it off or tone it down. He does, I think, suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but it's not severe and probably the same level that most soilders endure after integration back into civilian life following fighting in war. It is a strain to put up with it when it occurs. To bite back my first retorts, to dull the sharp thoughts and things I want to say. I do not rise to the bait and I struggle to prevent such situations now from escalating. He is able to escalate on his own-however he doesn't take it out physically. Verbally at times very much so which is still wrong.
Thing is-I am able to walk away and with children asleep in bed and myself asleep in bed-there is no danger that he will harm us. He simply has to blow the steam. He's now very physical in workouts and is wearing himself out so that there isn't any such steam left. It's intentional and it's working.
He is only able to realize when he was out of line after the fact and never during but I am able to understand that it's out of his control but not to the point that safety is an issue. I have chosen to stay and make our relationship and marriage work. We're now in our thirties and have a ten year marriage going on another year. We've lost 5 babies but have 2 to raise. We still have no family nearby but I have good friends and he has "buddies" he can rely on like brothers. We're finally in a better financial situation and it is slowly improving but we are careful not to live outside our means as well.
I've got a list a mile long of repairs that need to be done on our house-our car..things I just can't do. He doesn't have the time and all of it takes time and money to accomplish but this is all normal. No one lives in a house without a single repair-and all cars eventually need something. Even if we had all the money in the world there'd be a whole other set of stresses and pressures to bog us down so I've chosen to take on the life we have and live in it but not set it to flames myself. I choose to love him-despite his failings and along the way I've discovered my own weaknesses and failings too. He accepts mine as well and we're finally at a point in which we're not broadcasting eachothers faults at one another. Sheesh! Why was I so mean, so disrespectful-so petty, so selfish, so needy and the like so much to the man I chose to marry? I'm working hard on myself and my marriage and it's starting to show.
Turns out my husband has been working hard on it too but I am now able to see that he was all along.
I don't know either of you or what the situation is truly but I do know how you feel and I got an idea of what he must be going through. It's not to hard when you've already been there.
Take courage! This will pass. Better times ARE ahead. God will not give us more than we can handle.
Second, decide what you really want and then work to make it happen.
I can recommend FIREPROOF the movie and The Love Dare availible at various places. We saw the movie together and it was a turning point for us. I've been doing The Love Dare on my husband as I am able to and it has made a big difference of how I see myself but also in what I see about my husband.
Our children are beginning to feel the love too and are doing very well. :)
Please take what you will from this and I hope it will help you in some way.
WARM HUGS just when you need it from me.
((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))