please help my friend decide

Travel Vacation Packages
1

my friend will go on a 3-week vacation with her whole family abroad ( husband's side). she foresees that they will be spending each day out and about ( from sun up to sun down) to maximize their trip.she is weighing the pros and cons of having her 1-year old baby girl to go with her.

she thinks that her baby will just end up being soo tired physically.with road travelling,shopping, sight-seeing,etc,

but she is feeling guilty of leaving her child for 3- weeks ( with my friend's nanny and side of the family)

2

She is a MOM for crying out loud....and thus, when you go on a trip... you HAVE to consider your child...not treat them as an extra baggage. The needs of a baby, has to come first... not the trip.

NO, 3 weeks is too long of a time to leave her home, with a Nanny that she does not even know. I think SHE should stay home, with her child, and forgo the trip.

The way is seems...is that the trip is more important than her child's needs.

Next, why was the trip planned, if her child is only 1 years old?
Next, since she is going with her WHOLE family....THEY can certainly help, right?
Next, yes, it is very physically tiring on a trip abroad....I'm an adult and when I went abroad and did all our activities, even I was tired! It took us nearly 24-hours, just to fly to Europe! And by the time we FINALLY got to our destination, I was pretty darn tired/irritable/grumpy myself. Then, we spent ALL day, out and about touring and traveling. We would get back to our lodging at night time. EACH day of our trip. Not much time to rest.

ALSO keep in mind, that depending what country they are going... it is not always 'baby' friendly, there is NOT always nice clean bathrooms or baby changing tables, there is not always the amenities around that you need for a baby.
There is not always even an elevator to go with a baby in a stroller.... and then there are only stairs. Especially at historical sites.

ALSO... if they are going at this time of year... it is VERY cold.... and baby can get sick. I got sick when I traveled abroad at this time of year... I got very very sick. NOW, what will you friend do, if her baby gets sick abroad??????
For me I was lucky, because my Hubby is bi-lingual and knew where to go. So, my severe health problem could be handled. Is your friend FULLY prepared for any situation???? Abroad???? With her baby?????

Believe me... if at home it is hard to just go grocery shopping or errands with her baby... just think how it will be doing this ABROAD? It will be magnified.

The 'choice' should be, not whether or not to take the baby with her, BUT rather: should she even go in the first place?

Anyway, I think it's a bad idea.
Good luck,
Susan

3

HI

I know this must be hard for her. But let me tell you from experience, she wont last. It will crush her sole. I Know
I had to go to work with my now ex who is an entertainer, we were to be gone for 3 weeks. I left my son with my best friend, (you must get a power of attorney for the person who is watching your child) in case they become ill and have to be treated by a doctor. My child was a little older, 4 years old. But from the minute we arrived on at our destination, I was worried sick. I was 4000 miles away from my son, and had no family members in this state either.
Where we were at you could only arrive on Sundays and leave on Sundays. I called them everyday. I had no choice but to go home. My husband understood and continued to do his work there. going was the stupidest thing I ever did. I would never do it again. I made a choice to have a child and if he could not go than neither did I. He is now grown
and getting married and they just took a trip with us as a couple and it was wonderful.. But I will never forget that look on his face when we left those many years ago, nor will I forget how hard he held me when I go back home. I kissed the ground at the airport and thanked god I made it back.
The first thing he said to me was mom, tell me you wont leave me again...and I never did. He either went with us or I did not go.

Hope this helps and this is really her choice.

Julie

4

Hi Cel S:
I'm not sure you'll recieve to many positive feed backs on this subject.I get the impression,that your friend has been manipulated into this trip abroad. She probably has been told by her in laws,that she's coming across the (over protective mother),or that she can't change her life-style merely because she choose to have a child. These family members are being selfish,and inconsiderate. When your friend made the decision to have a baby,her life did indeed change.Her whole world should evolve around that child. Every decision she makes, from the day she gave birth,should include,and have her best interest at heart.Three weeks is far to long to be away from your baby,or for your baby to be separated from you.I agree with SH also, that to attempt to take her along for that length of time could be detrimental to her health. She risks throwing her off any schedule she may currently be on and will deprive her of any quality sleep. Infants thrive on familirarity. They find comfort in their surroundings, sleeping in their own cribs. Your friend will wind up having a miserable time being away from her baby that long, and she will have a lousy time trying to cart her baby all day abroad,while everyone else is free to roam. I'd opt to stay home and love and nurture my baby,and save for a trip,when shes older and can enjoy it,or better understand why her mother is not there to comfort her when its needed. I wish your friend the best. Julia M

5

I have 2 kids and the only time I have left my 3 year old (and for 2 days mind you) was to give birth. I even felt guilty about that. I do not see how a mother could not feel extreme guilt over having fun for 3 weeks while her baby misses her. Sure go live it up for a weekend if you must, but 3 weeks? Both my children get upset when I leave for work for a 6 - 8 hour day. My baby is 11 months and he definitely notices when I am gone.

This is why having children is so difficult. It's not about diaper changes or sleep deprivation, it's truly about giving up the freedom you once had. With that said, I don't think you have to give up your life. If I had the opportunity to take me kids abroad, I would. I have traveled quite a bit with my first child and she did really well with it. My hubby grew up with a pilot for a father and he got to visit over 30 countries. He loved to travel as a child and both of our children seem to have that same love. I don't see anything wrong with taking the baby with her as long as she is prepared. My kids will nap in the stroller/carseat so traveling does not interrupt their schedules.

Does your friend have to follow the in-laws everyday? We traveled a lot with my in-laws and we did our own thing during the day and met up with them for dinner every night.

If the in-laws are not going to understand your friend's needs and respect that she has her baby with her, then I wouldn't waste my time going. 3 weeks is a long time to be miserable and regret a choice.

6

ok now ill give you my straight up story about traveling with a 1 year old. my husband mil myself and my daughter (who was 15 months at the time) flew to michigan. we had to leave the house at 330a. i also made a statement to my husbands mom that i did not want to house hop between family out there and i didnt want to go anywhere the first couple days so i could easy my daughter into the 3 hour time change. that did not happen at all the first 4 days then i got tired of seeing my baby uncomfortable in the car all day and not getting a nap that my husband and i would put our foot down and said that if they want us to go somewhere then they have to work around my daughters schedual. his mom told me that my daughter could just sleep in the car for a nap!! what!?!?! i turned around and told her lets strap you in a carseat and see you get a good nap. your friend needs to lay down the guidelines for bringing her baby. she shouldnt leave the baby home because she fears tantrums and tiredness. if theres a time change they are going deal with i really suggest that she makes the choice to stay in one place a couple days. because this will be new to the baby and she wont be very comfortable not being at home. then if they want to do site seeing then do it one day and then go somewhere the next day and stay home and quiet the third day. then the baby will have a day of rest. besides her and the baby are guest out there the family should come to them not the other way around. tell your frind not to be pressured to do everything the family thinks they should do or see. she has to remember the real boss on the trip is the baby. i really hope she take the baby and doesnt leave her home. good luck!

7

Cel,

I read this post and immediately felt for this child...

Travel is great, and I loved my time abroad...but, I would not leave my even now 2.5 year old son for any amount of time to vacation with my family abroad, let alone for my job that requires travel...I make do and find ways to make it work without leaving my son.

I have traveled with my son locally, and he has done very well on a plane and train, and even long road trips. But, the length of flights to Europe and then the details usually involved with those trips can be very daunting for a child of any age. If your friend, is having concerns about being away from her child then she should not go on this trip. Or if she wants her child to come, she needs to do a lot of planning in advance to accomodate for the needs of her little one.

If they have an itineray already in place or even a tenative one, she can make plans for naps and feedings. And, make sure that the family knows that breaks will be taken and she may not even participate in certain activities. Again, my opinion is that the child always comes first and the family should understand that if your friend and her husband are going to take part in family events this needs to be accepted and understood.

I think the fact that she is torn between leaving her child and going, shows she may not feel like she can talk to her in-laws about the trip or that maybe the family is not understanding about the needs of the baby.

Your friend needs to put aside fears about disappointing family and do what's in the best interest of her child. She needs to be honest with her husband. No child should be left with a Nanny for that long...

good luck.

8

Since it is a family trip, it seems to me that all family members, even 1 yr-olds, should be included. Hopefully they are planning a trip that can be conducive to the baby too.

I took a 5day trip with my then 13month old and adapted b/c she would only nap in the car, so we went for drives at naptime each day... and she only napped 1x/day, rather than her usual 2x/day, but that was okay--we adapted. As long as she got opportunities to run around and play, she was fine.

They can bring some familiar objects/lovey/binky/toys to help baby girl. I don't know what their lodging would be or where they are going, but if they get adjoining rooms with the in-laws, baby can go to bed in their room and they can socialize next door so baby can have quiet time. If there are things they want to do w/o baby, maybe the grandparents can take her for a day or something.

I have left my daughter with grandparents at home for a 4 day trip away, but I personally wouldn't want to be away from her for more than a week, especially if not left with family or her regular caregiver.

good luck to her with the decision

9

I'd say either stay home or plan the trip around the baby. I think Mom would be sick to her stomach being away from her child for that long - I know it would KILL me. Really, I wouldn't even come close to having a good time, they'd have to sedate me on the plane! LOL!! Ultimately it is up to her, right? So, she needs to do what is best for her whole family - her, hubby and baby. She doesn't even have to consider his side of the family, she gets a pass right now because she is a Mom with a young child.

Best wishes,
Michele

10

Hi Cel, As a mother I would not leave my child with anyone for 3 weeks. Travel versus child, to me that answer is easy. But for some like your friend it may not be. When my 3 kids were small, my husband got orders to Sasebo Japan, our children were 22 months 4, and 7, I wasn't sure how such a move would afect my children, so I had made the decision to stay back in the states, as days went by, I started asking myself what would be best for my children, and I came to the conclusoion that not seeing their dad for 2 years would not be best for them, so we all went, and what I learned was that as long as children are in the security of their parents they roll with the flo, and going and taking them turned out to be the best decision I could have made. If she goes she should take her child, there is no reason that she can not skip a shoping trip or sight seeing long enough for her child to take a nap. Hope this helps. Julie L.

11

My two cents: A baby that age should never be away from their mother for that long for any reason! Instead, take a family member with you who can give you some time to take a break and keep the baby on her schedule. We took our mother in law with us (good relationship!) and that worked out great. Even another family staying in the next room is a better idea. You can all share the baby sitting and take turns doing the vacationing.

I have a great Restaurant Rescue Kit that helps with kids from 3 and up when going out. Finding things like that to work the child into your life is way better than leaving them out. www.restaurantrescuekits.com

12

I think she should go.
When I had my first daughter me and my husband took a 8 day vacation to puerto rico. I live in california. I remember being sad at first, but when I was able to get away -it helped my marraige because we were able to get that time together.
I have no regrets.
My daughter is now 8 years old and of course, she doesn't remember a thing. She is a honor roll student and a very social girl.
It is good that her family will be able to spend there own time with her 1 year old. Although 3 weeks is a little longer than 1 week. But this experience may even help her child and her. She can still talk to her daughter on the phone and picture message her as much as she wants.

13

Cel, in my opinion, I would not go. I'd stay home with my baby. I have never traveled abroad but I have traveled with babies. When my youngest (now 19) was less than a year old, we went to Mexico for a week. It was the worst week of my travel experience. My daughter was the kind of baby who could not and would not sleep away from her comfortable surroundings. Even if I moved her furniture in her room, she was unable to sleep. When we were in Mexico, she slept maybe 3 hours a day! Which meant that's what I slept. We went with family, but believe me when it's 1:00 a.m. and you're exhausted from a day of having fun, the last thing you want to do is get up and help someone take care of their child. People are helpful when they are awake in the middle of the day and are wlling to help but a fussy baby with limited sleep only wants its mommy.

I have cousins that said when they decided to have children it would not affect their lifestyle and it did not. they took their children with them everywhere they went. However, they saved traveling abroad for when the kids were adults and married with their own families. When they traveled statewide, they took me as a babysitter. I loved it and was able to go a lot of places, but I was the baby sitter. Even if the parents were present, I took care of the kids.

My point is, if your friend really wants to go and her husband really wants her to go, perhaps instead of leaving the baby with the Nanny in the states, they can take the nanny with them abroad. this way, if the baby is too tired to go on an outing, but the mom really wants to go, baby and nanny stay at the hotel while parents go experience the trip. If baby goes, nanny goes. I would rather take my nanny than leave my baby with the nanny for 3 weeks. Maybe she can consider that.

Best of luck to your friend in her decision making. Nice of you to seek help for her.

Lorrie

14

When you choose to become a parent you have to realize that your life is going to change. Your child comes first. Just had to say that.

15

the best solution would be to take a nanny with you on the trip. she will need help managing the baby, and when the day is too long, the baby can stay back at the hotel with the nanny so that she doesn't become overwhelmed. A baby needs it's mommy, and 3 weeks is too long. sacrafices need to be made-- it's just part of being a parent. Otherwise, this family needs to bow out of the trip for now, and wait till the baby is older for such an experience.

16

Hi Cel~ If your friend is able to bring a family member or nanny on the trip, she should try to do that so that the baby can be with her and she can still go and do everything with her husbands family. That way the baby can be a part of the travel, but stay at the hotel when it is nap time and just time to relax. I could not personally leave my baby for 1 day when they were that age and the first one, never... I would have hated the trip!! It will only cause her stress and that could cause some resentment and eventually arguments between she and her husband. If they can ot bring someone to help care for the child and she really feels that she needs to be there, maybe she can do 1/2 the days activities and then let her husband do the rest and she can be with the baby for quiet/nap time.

Best of luck to her and it is really sweet that you are such a caring friend to her :)
Wendy

17

Your friend is not thinking about the welfare of her daughter, she is concentrating on her perceived guilt because she believes she "should be with her daughter". Her daughter will be miserable and therefore all of them will be miserable. This is not fair to her husband's family. Your friend needs to remember that her husband came first, then her daughter. When her daughter gets older they can make the same trip and it will have much better results.
As to her daughter, she will be fine with the nanny and will be much happier. The plane trip alone will be miserable for all of them and no child should have to endure this if they don't have to.
The child will be much happier in her own environment and your friend and her husband need a vacation without her. Hopefully, this will be one of many vacations without her child. You are a couple first, a parent next.
I hope this helps her decide to make the right decision, to leave her daughter in good hands and go and enjoy her time with her husband and his family.

18

Well personally I can totally understand this. I couldn't leave my child of that age for 3 weeks.

If she does she might not have any fun do to worry as well.

How about her nanny go with, then at least there is another resource for her to assist her.

19

Perhaps some of the advice from other moms can bring a very valuable perspective to the situation. It sounds like your friend is under pressure not only to take the trip, but to keep with the very full schedule that all the others have come up with. There is one HUGE difference between your friend and the others - she is the mother of a young child. It is not realistic or fair to expect that she keep up with the rest, nor that a 1 year old be expected to keep up.
Three weeks is a very long time (too long in my opinion) to leave a child behind. Has anyone taken a moment to consider the child? Has anyone considered planning any family friendly activities or schedule considerations? I would not want to go on a vacation that was filled from end to end every day. For me, that's not relaxing. As a mom, I would dread it.
If your friend really wants to go, then I would suggest skipping some of the activities - taking a day off here and there with her child from all the business.

Has it been mentioned to any of the other travelers that the child needs to be considered and what needs they might have (naps, etc)?

What about finding travel guides or asking on Mamasource for family friendly recommendations for where they are going?

What about your friend and her husband taking a little time out together with their child to do some kid friendly things - whether that means going somewhere or just laying low together?

I guess the bottom line is that as a parent, life is different. A parent cannot realistically expect to do the same things or expect things to work with the same way with a child. A parent's job is to look out for their child as job #1.
It sounds like priorities with this trip may have gotten a little skewed. Perhaps a reminder to the rest of the group would be in order. After all, if she doesn't speak up for her child and place her child's well being in the fore front, then no one else will either.
I would suggest that your friend do some picking and choosing as to what activities abroad are most important to attend, and not feel required to attend everything. Believe me, as a mom with a young child, even if she did try to make everything, chances are that there would be many times when she'd have a tired, crying child on her hands, and wish she had forgone parts of the trip anyway.

I know that it's hard sometimes to have to say no to things, but as a parent, the choices are not the same. It tears at my heart to think of a 1 year old being left behind for 3 weeks. And for me, the thought of a 3 week trip that is that busy sounds like a potential nightmare. Hopefully there is a happy medium that can accommodate travel and family needs, and help the entire group to find some understanding about needing to make sure that mom and child's needs are met as well.
I hope this helps.
Michele

20

My family went on a 30 day road trip across the country with our 3 year old and 14 month old daughter. Our day was just planned around her two naps and we kept her bedtime most of the time. Traveling with young kids is possible, but you have to be willing to make changes to your schedule and super flexible. Now if you friend is willing to do that then she should bring her little one along.

However, if she really wants to go along with the rest of the gang and sight-see til the sun goes down then she should leave her little one behind. If she will feel put out or disappointed with missing out then the trip will not be fun for her, her little one, or anyone else.