Only your heart knows if it is time. I will invite you to not let your guilt keep you from being happy and loving again. If you are falling for him it sounds like it might be time.
Usually if someone has experienced a good marriage they are more likely to remarry after the death of a spouse. So it is a tribute to your late husband.
Enjoy your life, it was not easy going through what you did with your husbands cancer and now it is time for you. Best wishes and let your heart sing!
Hi Wendy,
First of all, I send my condolences on the lost of your husband. Personally, if you are comfortable with moving on and your kids are supporting you and your decision, then by all means move forward. Whether it was five years or fifty years, the time you spent with your husband I'm sure will always have a place in your heart.
I am 45 years old and I feel like life has really just begun for me, some of the best years of my life have been since I turned 40. Don't sit around moping and grieving forever, life is precious and it is surely not promised to us forever.
Do what your heart and mind leads you to, take your time so that you are not rushing into a relationship on the rebound. Most importantly be good to yourself and have fun.
Sherrie
If you are comfortable with this gentlemen and your children are encouraging you, GO FOR IT. Life is too short, as you know, to spend time regretting things. Be happy and enjoy your life.
i haven't been in your shoes, but my mom remarried twice (once after a spouse's death), and i know how lonely she was when she was single. objectively speaking, that's something only you can decide for yourself and your family. try not to let family or friends' comments get in the way since not many people can truly relate to your situation... i wish you the best. :)
Dear Annaesposito,
Yes, I have been there. My husband passed away 5 years ago July 1, he had Multiple Mylenoma (Primary Bone Marrow Cancer). We had been married for 24 1/2 years. My situation was a bit different because I was also taking care of my bed-ridden dad in his house, where my husband had died of a ruptured Ab. Aneurysm. In addition I was dealing with empty-nest and premenopause. I can honestly say this was the hardest time in my life. The loneliness was horrible.
I want to caution you to take it real slow. Dating really depends upon how you feel inside. If you have truly processed and gone through the grieving process, then by all means go out and have some fun. Again, be careful--you are vulnerable and you don't want to get too involved before you know you are okay. My grieving time took longer, shorter periods until my dad died early in 2006. Actually that is why I moved here to get a new start. My home for over 20 years was Bastrop, and the memories just were too many and too hard. I still have not dated. I am now 49.
The blast from the past could be a way to learn about dating, people again getting your feet wet per sea. Think back about why ya'll split up, what the relationship was like, in what ways you both have changed during this reintroduction period. It could be God's way of bringing you another mate, or it might turn out to be a rebound that was not meant to be, and could be a mistake. I am not saying not to date, but be careful, take your time in this endeavor and PRAY.
I am now truly ready for that next step. Each person's healing time is different. I had so much to process and deal with, then get to know ME, and get comfortable with life alone and new friends, experiences and TIME for just God and I. I also have a blast from the past, and although we are not dating I have learned that he has loved me for over 30 years, while it took awhile for it to really hit me, I love him as well and when our time comes to be together I know it will be right and til death do us part, as I knew with my first husband. My fear was getting involved with someone and seeing my husband rather than the man I was dating -ya know. I never could see myself with anyone else and didn't want to hurt someone else by seeing or saying my husband. I know now that I am okay and don't worry about that any longer. I will use what I learned from that long good marriage to make my next and last one even better. The funny part is that my deceased husband is my angel and helped me to find my old friend. I know he wants me to be happy. I hope I have been of some help to you in this, May God Bless and Guide You.!
A few years ago, my mother passed after fighting a losing battle and a hospital stay that lasted over a year. After 53 years of marriage my dad was devastated. We talked him into going to grief counseling and, while there, he met a lady that had recently lost her husband after a long bout with cancer. Long story short, my dad remarried (only 9 months after my mother's passing) in a simple ceremony one Sunday morning after church and everyone except my brother gave their blessings. Now, he's back to being his normal, welldressed, cheery self.
I think your son hit the nail on the head when he said not to wait till it was too late. You don't know when you may have another opportunity.
Omg Anna GO FOR It!!! As you know life is to short.I am soooo sorry for your loss but I think you know your husband would want you to be happy. Rt? Good luck!! Sandi
I am sorry about your husband. But you do need to move on. YOU are living. Not to disrespect your husband at all, he is in a better place and at peace. You do what you are comfortable and happy with. If it is not hurting you or your children, then it's alright. I don't think it is too soon or wrong. What would be wrong is if you pass up joy because of what others think. Follow your head & heart. They will tell you what your ready for.
Be happy!!
I think the "standard" acceptable time is 1 year. Good Luck with everything. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy.
I don't know if this will help however, last Nov my ex-husband, who was my high school sweetheart, the father of my two children (10 yrs and 23 months)and my partner for 20 years (married for 13 and I'm only 36), committed suicide shortly after our divorce was final. Our divorce was a long time coming. There were times when I was immensly happy and other times when I was just as sad and lonely. I am still very heart broken and there are days that I can't see through the black cloud that so often envelopes me. Love was never the problem. Anyhoo, I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy who understands as much as anyone can where I am emotionally. He tells me that he will give me as much space as I need when I need it but that he isn't going any where because he's waited a lifetime for me. There are times when I feel that it was too soon to start dating but I did not want to miss my opportunity at happiness. My children love him. My son had a similar response to yours, he wanted to see me happy again. Time doesn't tell if you're ready or not, only you can. Follow your heart and you won't have any regrets! I hope this helps some, nobody has the right answer. Do what's right for you and your children!
It's only too soon if you are not ready! If anyone thinks that you have moved too fast let them deal with their own feelings! The people that are alive have to continue living! We can't stop and just mourne forever. Your husband would not want you to do that! In fact can you be so sure that he didn't have something to do with this other guy calling you with his regrets! It's amazing what people do and the way that they see things once they go to the other side! Your husband may be your new guardian angel, trying to help you move on with your life! your not hurting your children, they love you and want you to be happy, your not hurting your husband, he now sees the bigger picture, you would only be hurting yourself if you did not find some happiness now! Best of luck sweetie, you have another chance at happiness!
Let me start by saying I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say that I have been in this exact situation but I do know that you will know if it's time. We can't always predict when love is going to come along. You should probably still proceed with caution and take things slowly. Make sure you know without a doubt where things may or may not be going. Your kids want you to be happy and I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy. There isn't any real set time for grieving just make sure you know what you want and take things one day at a time.
Dear Anna,
I am sorry for the loss of your second husband - life is uncertain and can sorrows do come. It is CERTAINLY not too soon to find love and a happy life. However, you should be certain that your interest in each other is based on the right factors:
Are you committed to each contributing to other's happiness/well-being in these areas: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.
Can you have honest and transparent conversations with this man? If so, you should discuss EVERYTHING: Why does he feel he made a mistake in letting you go? What is his view of the future? How will your relationship develop? What does he need/expect of you - as a friend; as a companion; as a spouse? What is he able to provide (e.g. physical love and financial security or partnership; intellectual partnership and growth, emotional transparency and support; and spiritual intimacy and leadership)?. You need to answer these questions to his satisfaction, too. If he is not able to freely and openly discuss everything about his thoughts, plans, hopes and fears (maybe especially the fears) then I would advise waiting until you CAN have these kind of discussions - with someone.
Most important, do you share the same religious convictions/faith? Are you praying for direction about this about this relationship? The "real" answer to your question is to seek God's guidance and direction regarding a relationship with this man.
I love the fact that your son loves you enough to tell you "not to wait until it is "too late." But I assure you, it is NEVER too late to find happiness as long as you choose the RIGHT partner. It is ALWAYS too early if you do not get to know the person sufficiently (using the kinds of questions above) to know that this partner will love you more than he loves himself - and will place your needs, development, support and well-being above his own. You should feel the same way toward him.
I found my "perfect" mate when I was 49 and we reacquainted at a high school reunion. But we did NOT base our relationship on the past. We got to know each other all over again and talked about intimate, significant areas - some of which I addressed, above. We are both Christians and we prayed about our relationship. We have been blissfully married 5+ years. Sadly, my ex- mother-in-law (MIL) has outlived two husbands (widowed first when she was 43). She had a second marriage that lasted more than 15 years. She met and married her current husband in her late 60's. I just learned today that he has beeen diagnosed with cancer and has been given about 6 months to live. So naturally, he is in our prayers. The future (in THIS life) is uncertain, with the only certainty being death. Even though my MIL's love-life seems so sad, she is resilient and has shown that it is never too late to find someone who shares a compatible outlook, enjoys similar activities and who fulfills your life in every way. Please keep her in your prayers. And from her experience, and others that have shared - know that there is love a third (and perhaps more) times for those who have lost their mates.
So, Anna, here is hoping that you find the perfect mate and that he is healthy and enjoys a long life with you!
God Bless you,
Karen
Anna,
I am sorry for your loss. Cancer is a terrible thing for someone to go through. It has been a year and I'm sure your husband would have wanted you to go on living. If you are ready for a relationship, follow your heart. Your kids seem to be okay with it, so be happy:)
Cindy
First and foremost, what is his situation? He is single, free and clear right? The second thing is to determine how you feel. Grief is really an individual thing and recovery is as well. It sounds like you have been taking it relatively slow since it has almost been a year...I would say that since your kids are supportive of this, that they see how you are feeling and think that this relationship is a positive thing...if they were against it, I would say heed their advice since they are closest to the situation. Still take it slow, but I don't see any reason not to begin to get your life back. Even though it has been one year, it has been three long years for you. Good luck, God Bless, and be happy.
There is always a risk of getting your feelings hurt, but if you don't take the risk you may let a good thing slip by. If you think you are not ready for a romantic relationship see him as a friend first. Then if things are meant to be the relationship will grow. You are still young live a little!
There is no apropriate amount of time, just do what your heart feels is ok. if you start and feel its to soon back off, but also don't let it pass you by!
My uncle reunited with his high school sweetheart at a class reunion. This was shortly after my aunt, the love of his life, passed away very suddenly from a heart condition.
There is nothing wrong with you living! You loved your husband, but he is the one who died... not you. There should be no guilt here. God says that we are not bound in marriage when a spouse passes. There is a time of mourning, but we must move ahead.
One word of caution. My uncle married this h.s. sweetheart after dating rather briefly. Please get to know who this man is NOW and not base it on who he was when you knew him in the past. My uncle jumped into marriage and he is not truly happy. He loves her, don't get me wrong. However, the way their lives and opinions have been shaped over their years apart is completely different in many ways(work ethics, ways of approaching situations, dealing with each other's children, handling finances, etc.) Don't rush into anything... take your time and TRULY get to know who he is now. Prayer will be your best guide here... as it always is.
I am so sorry for you loss and wish you nothing but God's blessings in the future. What wonderful children to want what's best for you!
Blessings,
Michelle S.
Wow...you have been through a lot lately. When u r ready to move on, I believe u will feel it. Just keep in mind the reason u 2 broke up before. This is your life and u should be free to do what makes u happy. And if the kids like him...
So sorry for your loss.
You will definitely know when you are ready, and maybe you are ready to start "friendships" if they lead to something great if not, the companionship may do you good. My mother passed away a few years ago and I think one of the hardest part was seeing how lonely my dad was. I encouraged him to date and he finally did. And he is much happier. I don't think anyone who cares about you would want you stay alone forever. I agree with your son, and it's great that you have his "blessing". Good luck and enjoy life.