I have a 2 year old son who I recently pulled out of day care because of concerns I was having with the staff (did not like how they treated my son and other children, ie, not nuturing enough). Unfortunately, I have not had good luck with child care for my son. This is his second day care and I have interviewed nannies and babysitters and could not find anyone I felt good about. So my mother, who is not retired but is not working at this time, has stepped in and is helping care for my son while I work during the day. The problem is my parents do not live near us (about 2 hours away) and having my mom care for our kid means that my husband and I cannot see him every day. This is far from an ideal situation but it is our best option for now. To complicate things further, I work more than 40 hours a week (did not plan for this to happen, got really busy at work without my anticipating, in the process of going down to part time, may happen in next 2 months) so my long and erratic schedule limits my options for care (I have to factor in time to travel to/from care, hours, etc). The problem is my husband -- he works 80-100 hours a week (he's in medicine) and plays no role whatsoever in our son's child care -- yet he is SO angry about my choice to have my mother care for our child that he is not talking to me. He has repeatedly refused to have a conversation about how this can be resolved, only insisting that he wants his son home with him, no matter what the cost. This has now been going on for 6 days.
My husband has a long history of giving me the silent treatment, often shutting me out when he is upset with me. I feel forced to ask him again and again to have a neutral conversation (ie no yelling) only to have him refuse me repeatedly. Even when I apologize for what I did to offend him, he does not accept my apology, preferring to maintain the silent treatment. This has caused us to not speak for weeks at the time (the longest was 3 weeks).
I hate this. It is extremely hurtful to me, it's degrading, and it stresses me tremendously. I want him to start talking to me but I cannot get him to crack. What can I do?
I think I can understand why he is upset, however not discussing it is not going to help. I think making a decision about childcare should be between both of you. Deciding to leave him with your mother without discussing it will him first is probably what has made him mad. BUT as you said if he has not been involved in the decision making process in regards to your child in the past then that is his fault. Being a parent means he must be present always not only when it is convenient for him. Someone has to step up to the plate and if it is not going to be him then you have no choice. In my opinion he can't get upset when you make decisions without him if he doesn't make any attempt to do so. He seems like he only likes to have a say when things do not go his way. I own a childcare center and I agree with you 100% if you are not comfortable with your son's caretaker then you should get your child out. A mom should always go with their gut. Is there any way your mom can come stay with you maybe on a Wednesday - Friday and then your son can be home most of the week. Right now if you have no other alternatives then I think your husband is just going to have to suck it up or come up with a solution together with you. I do not think you should have to beg him to talk to you. He is acting childish in my opinion. I would turn it around on him and just go about your business. Maybe when he gets the silent treatment he will not like it and stop this behavior in the future. Good luck!!
Ouch. Tough situation. It sounds as though you barely have what could be called a family.
There is a marvelous communication technique called NVC, or Non-Violent Communication. It outlines a few clear and learnable steps that might help you open up dialogue with your husband in a way that is compassionate and respectful for you both. Google those terms for descriptions, lots of tips, and examples.
If your husband remains punitive and unresponsive, I'm guessing he has issues that he is not able or willing to resolve. When your schedule lightens up, consider getting counseling about this, whether he will join you or not. You might want to give some thought to leaving this relationship.
I can attest that life goes on, and can get much better, after a terrible marriage ends. Yours sounds pretty terrible. I wish you well.
Even though we don't really know what you're going through, you came to the right place. I did the absolutely right thing in pulling your child out of child care if you are in any way concerned about the level of care. I have worked in many nurseries and pre-schools and have seen many things. What some staff members can get away with is heart breaking!!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. That must be very tough on you to try to sort out something so important as you child's care. I must be difficult with him working so many hours. It doesn't give you any time to try to resolve the issue.
All I can say is that did the right thing removing your child from child care. Your child is so important and you could say more important than your husband if that's the way he's going to behave. Just think of all the love you have for your baby. Try to think positive thoughts for you and your son. After all you're doing this for him. You sound like a wonderful mother who wants the best for her son. I hope things start to work themselves out soon, for you your son and your family.
Hi,
When I first read the tag line to your post...i thought lucky you, your husband is not talking to you! That is really not funny yet sometimes I do not mind when my husband and I are not speaking as it gives us a chance to get over things in our own ways. We are not the talk it out type of couple. But we are similar in that way and I can understand the difficulty when one party wants to discuss and the other does not.
Here is the thing....I use daycare as well. I am happy with my daycare yet there have been a few times I wanted to leave and look for another yet with a few discussions with the Director, I was able to come to an agreeable solution. I am a working mom as well and ideally my mom would watch my son yet this is not possible, therefore, it is what it is and I have to find inner peace with my decision and the day care I have chosen for my son. You need to look at more daycares. Look at 10 until you find one you love, or say to yourself that you may not love one because there is something there within yourself that is not allowing you to love it yet which place do you think will provide the best and safest care. I only go with places that are recommended by other moms. I always felt more comfortable with daycare than with a nanny or an in an unlicensed in home daycare because there are many people that watch my son throughout the day and they are super strict with center rules. Your situation now does not seem to be ideal for anyone expect for the idea that he is with your mom.
My husband does not deal with any child care either and he knows that he gets away scott free and therefore would never say anything. The way I deal is to say, listen, it is what it is, we both work, things get crazy and are stressful and i call the shots because you are not involved that way and if you would like to be, step up! Ok, so that is probably not the way to go about doing things, yet I seriously do 90% of everything that needs to be done and work. Give me a break! Again, my husband realizes he has it sooooo goood! What I do do though when it comes to something that he really wants to make a decision on is I will give him two choices that I have decided upon and make him choose between those...he is a no research guy so it has to be done. He then feels like he has a hand in the process and ultimately I got one of my choices anyway. God, I sound super controlling after reading this back, but that is way it is when I have no choice but to handle everything. You do need your son home with you and you just need to stop and breathe and figure a way to work this out. My son stays at my parents one night a week to give him a break from daycare and to give my husband and I a date night. Maybe you can do a few days of daycare and meet in the middle with the amount of time your son stays with your mom.
As for your husband, I know you are hurt, yet you need to talk to him when this blows over. You need to address the way he makes you feel in these situations when you are not in one of the situations! Talk when heads are clear and the stress level is down. Marriage is tough and has its ups and downs...please, if anyone is to say they have the prefect marriage..not buying it! We all have something whether people know it or not!
Good luck!
your husband needs to grow up....its ok to say "i am really upset/angry right now, i dont want to discuss this but in a couple days well talk about it".......but 3 weeks is ridiculous either get counseling with him or by yourself.......i usually dont believe in ultimatums but you may need to considet what you will tolerate & not tolerate in this marriage......as far as childcare, how about having your mother come out to your home for a few days & in those few days you and her (& your husband if he can find the time) interview a bunch of daycares & nannies so you can get your home, son & marriage back....best wishes
The silent treatment thing is pathetic. That is the most childish thing I have ever heard.He needs to grow up you two need counseling and pronto. mainly him but you two obviosly have communications issues you have to get worked out. Your son is going to think that if he doesn't like what somebody does he wont talk to them for three weeks. Kids notice alot more then parents think they do even if you do try to hide it. Good luck hope you get couples counseling
Don't know the specifics of your work situation, but is it possible for you to quit your job and stay home? Your husband says he wants your son home at any cost, and you have a hard time finding quality care that you trust.
It doesn't resolve the silent treatment habit, but it could be a solution to a stressful childcare problem. We chose to have me stay home full time, and despite not having a second income, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love it, and so do my kids and husband.
I know that there are a lot of stay home/work debates, and I'm not trying to start a new one, but it is an idea.
moms you are all right.Marriage is to discuss with your wife not acting like a dummy. He should give his wife an option.
that is if he works those long hours and in medical field can he offer you to stay home or have a baby sitter come home to your house
do your self a favor, with technology and so much security camera on the market to monitor a babysitter in your home they are a lot of honest people looking to baby sit in their home or go to your home.These are just some examples that other family would do.I know how you felt about your child but I lived in New york and I have work with a lot of mothers who talk really good about their day care.One thing I would agree that he wants your son home. Mom if you decided to stay at home make sure he treats you right financially and emotionally.
Hate to say this, but it was not YOUR choice solely to determine what child care to provide your child, and your husband should have been consulted. Regardless of how many hours he spends with his son, it is still his son, and it was not right of you to make such a big decision without his consent. I advise you find a local caregiver to take care of him. Even one who is not "ideal", since the current situation is certainly not ideal either. FYI - NO ONE will be as good as you, so perhaps you need to lower your expectations.
IMHO your husband is behaving like a spoiled child. His behavior sounds like mental abuse also. Tell HIM to find appropriate day care for your and pay for it and then you will be able to have him home where you also want him. Also tell him flat out that you will no longer tolerate his spoiled brat behavior. Tell him if he doesnt feel like speaking to you he can go elsewhere, until he decides to grow up.
Well thats a tad strong, but you certainly cant continue to live this way. Stop apologizing and pretend to enjoy the silence. Whistle and hum and dont do anything for him unless he asks. Watch what YOU want to on TV. DOnt do his laundry and when he needs clean clothes act surprised. Tell him he didnt ask you to do his wash, so you didnt. I can think of 100 ways to pay him back for being silent. But above all you cannot show him it bothers you.
Hi Rose, Silent treatment is a very mean and controlling action done to hurt someone. I just split with my son's father who started out doing that in our relationship when we first got together. He would then only talk about things when it was on his terms. Its all a power play and emotional abuse.
Just two months ago after we were together for a little over four years he physically attacked me and I had him arrested. He realized the silent treatment wasn't effective anymore after awhile and moved up the anger ladder. Please be very careful. I am not saying your husband would do this by any means. What I am saying is that giving you the silent treatment is a very controlling and cruel behavior done only to hurt. Your children are growing up in this around them and imprinting is happening on them whether you like it or not. They are learning that this behavior is what you do when you don't get your way.
Sorry you are going through this and good luck, I would advise professional help (couples therapy). Let them tell him his actions are harmful to everyone including his kids
Rose,
First you need to address the child care problem. Now here is the kicker, your husband said that he wants your son home no matter the cost, right? Well, the cost at this point might be you staying home and cutting your income intake. If not, put an add in the paper for a nanny with the qualifications you want, request at least three previous employer's references and try to interview them together.
Then, after this is resolved, you and your husband need to sit down and talk and together go see a marriage counselor. If you have a church that you attend to, you can go there if you like to as well. But the issue here is that you both need counsel. He is acting probably the only way he knows how, and that is not the right attitude for a grown man. Of course yelling is not either. But you need to do this if you want your marriage to last and if you want your son to grow in a functional family atmosphere. Your son as he grows will learn by pattern what is going on between both of you and will mimic that attitude, remember children are like sponges; they suck up all the good and bad. So in short, for the sake of your family, please seek help. Hope this helps you and I'll pray for you and your family.
Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like your husband has major commnunication issues that need to be addressed! Silent treatments are very juvenile. You're in a marriage, you're supposed to be a TEAM. He needs to grow up and express his feelings and then maybe you can come to a reasonable solution to the childcare problem. That being said, I'm in agreement with everyone else...maybe you need to stay home with your son if daycare doesn't meet your needs? I'm a SAHM and while that means we have one income, it has been the best decision we ever made together.
I'm sorry buy I can't believe only one other mother thinks you crossed the line. Your SON(what's his name anyway?)has a father obviously and don't you think he should have a say as to whether HIS SON leaves and goes to Grandma's for days at a time? Sounds like you have issues with day care. Maybe you should ask your husband, you know the kid's Daddy to help interview nannies and/or day care. You mentioned he's in medicine, I would imagine he is cable enough.
While I agree with everyone who has said that the silent treatment is a very immature power play, I would like to add that power struggles are seldom one-sided.
As moms we tend to believe that we and we alone know what is best for our children and our families. I think you too need to step back and take a long, hard look at your own behaviour and need to control. Don't get me wrong, we all feel the need to control our children's environment. But quite frankly if you cannot find anyone you feel comfortable with, you are going to need to adjust your own expectations. No one is a good as mom, but they don't have to be.
Perhaps your husband is reacting in the only way he knows how when he feels he is not being heard. A good counselor can help both of you learn to talk and to listen.
Is your husband willing to go to therapy with you? If this is a recurring theme, it is a terrible example for your son to witness.
As for your son, one one hand, I agree with your husband that your child needs to be with you, but I also understand how hard it is to find the right childcare situation. Perhaps if he's in medicine, you can go permanently to part time without too much financial burden. Perhaps put him in charge of finding childcare for your son so he can see how hard it is.
The silent treatment thing is a big deal and if he's not willing to come around, you might end up staying with your mom too.
Hi Rose,
I agree with Rachel...to move your son out of your house without discussing and having your husband agree is wrong. Your two year old needs you guys in his life and I can't see how not being with him is healthy to you, your husband, or your son. That being said, although your husband has every right to be angry with you, he needs to communicate with you to resove the issue.
But the bottom line is that you need to get your son back home, maybe hire a live-in or something that will work with your work schedule. This is not a healthy situation at all for your son, and one you will ultimately regret.
I am sorry if this is harsh. I know raising a child is not easy and it is very time consuming but it is YOU and YOUR HUSBAND'S responsibility to care for him. I really hope you think about this and realize there is a better option out there. And I truly hope your husband will talk to you about this. You both need to agree, you can't be the one to make the decisions. It is a team effort. Good luck.
I think maybe you need to take advantage of the FMLA which is unpaid 3 month leave from work which you figure bout an acceptable childcare arrangement for your son. Yes the silent treatment is immature and that is another issue that you will have to figure out. However if my husband threatened me with divorce for yanking our girls out of our childcare arrangement and sending them to live elsewhere all week without his permission he would be entirely within his rights as a loving father!
Look, one of you just may have to give up your career if no childcare arrangement will ever be acceptable. No one will ever be perfect, I get this. I work fulltime and have a nanny that we like but there are certainly things we don't always agree with. Either you can work with a situation or you can't. Maybe you just can't right now. Good luck and I hope you reach an agreement.
Sorry your going through this. This is the kind of thing why I never married and never had more than one child with any man. I have 4 children, each has their own father.
Instead of trying to talk to him, why dont you get what information you can about daycares, nannies, babysitters, and anything else you can find (hours of operation, location, cost, any personal contact, how many child care providers/children there are - anything). Newspapers, flyers, info from the internet; print it out. List questions he should ask them, and dont forget a picture of your son. Put everthing into a folder, and leave it somewhere your husband will see it. With a short note explaining that this is information he will need to make a decision and that if he wants his son home (as you do also), he has to figure something out, and state that when he wants your imput, you will be there.
Though, we all know it should be a mutual decision when it comes to your child, sometimes that cant happen when he wants to act like one.
You can start this without verbal communication, this may help for him to begin thinking of someone other than his own unhappiness and doing something productive to change things.
good luck, I really dont have much else to suggest, since things I tried didnt work out for me.