My Girl Scout Co-Leader and I do not get along

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1

I am a 2nd-year girl scout leader to a Daisy troop. I have 3 co-leaders, whom I worked well with for the first year. We were in sync, the girls had fun, we had everything managed. This second year has been bumpier. Disagreements on how hard to push cookie sales and now some disagreements on how to proceed with the troop next year in Brownies. All that is fine and can be managed with discussion and compromise. But now, one of the co-leaders, the one who happens to do the next largest amount of work (cookie mom) seems to have a personal vendetta against me and my daughter.

Yesterday she called me and berated me for about an hour about things that happened between my daughter and her daughter as well as accusing me of being the sole source of any/all drama that has happend in our troop. My daughter and her daughter have always played well together I thought and the times when my kid has said something rude, I have clalled her on it. She brought up things from the past that I had tno idea upset her like my younger daughter having a potty accident in her house. She accused me of taking my daughter to meetings sick, even though my daughter had been fever-free for 24 hours. She insinuated that I was a bad parent because my kids don't have the same consequences as hers. She said in a veiled threat that I better not have gotten her kids sick.... She called my daughter's hair nappy. She accused her of being a liar.. I have made it very clear that I want to know if and when my daughter is being mean or trouble, but I never hear anything except from her. She recently scolded my daughter for something she did not do and told her (not me) that she was not welcome in their home. She discounted my meeting plans saying she could do them in her sleep. On and on and on. I did not just sit idly by, but I remained calm, did not raise my voice, listened and tried to see her side (although with all of the petty put downs, it was hard) and made my points. When I saw her today at school, she walked past me without saying a word,not that I particulary want to talk to her, but still.

I am torn now because I don't think I can work with her, but I also do not want to step down and leave my daughter with her. I no longer trust my daughter with her. Girl Scouts is my daughter's favorite activity and I know that it will devastate her to leave her friends in the troop. Plus I have to see everyone for up to 7 years more because our kids all go to school together.

Do I stand tall and stand up to the bully, hoping that by doing so, she'll find someone else to pick on, hopefully outside the troop? Do I pull my daughter and I, and do independent GS or try to join a different troop? How do I maintain my emotional wellbeing and still provide an enriching environment of learning for the girls? I love being with those girls! This is tearing me apart.

2

What does the third coleader say about it all? I would see if she can be an impartial 3rd party. At some point have a sit down with everyone involved and see if things can be ironed out. But I would ask the third coleader to be honest with you - maybe you are actually doing something that needs to be adjusted. Or maybe the other coleader will validate your own opinion and agree that the cookie mom is being out of line.

And honestly, I think meeting planning is WAY harder thank cookie mom (I wear all hats for my troop).

I personally would ride it out and see if SHE decides to leave instead. You can always see if another mom will step up to be cookie mom.

Good luck!

3

I’m answering this as a longtime GS leader who has always had the same (one) co-leader, who has become a great friend. I can’t imagine how distressing this was for you. Adults should not save up their little grudges and annoyances and do a massive, year-end dump on another adult, which is what it sounds like she did.

So you have to be the adult and the leader here. I totally agree with Julie H. below: I would say nothing right now to Leader 2 and I would go, calmly, to Leader 3 and say, “Leader 2 called me and we had a very one-sided, very painful call. I would like to talk with you as the third adult in our troop, NOT to involve you in drama but to help ME assess whether I am off base in how I’m handling things with the troop.” Keep it focused just on the troop issues raised, and on whether you can improve. Don’t give a list of all the things Leader 2 said in her rather ugly vent; that only creates drama. Instead, acknowledge that Leader 2 seems to have issues with you and ask whether your own daughter is mean or not under control at times and you aren’t seeing it; ask if your meeting plans are not up to snuff; etc. (I am not saying these things ARE the case but it’s worth asking Leader 3 for a reality check.)

Of course, if Leader 3 is going to run immediately to Leader 2 and say, “She told me all this!” or if Leader 3 is a very retiring person who just does what she’s told by 2 and you – that might not help. So think first about how she might react and help, or not.

It seems as if this one massive phone call was Leader 2’s built-up vent. She violated the key rule of any reasonable disagreement – she piled on tons of issues that are unrelated; if she had specific issues with your GS leadership, she should not have veered off into things like your younger child’s accident at her home, or your daughter’s hair. So you are not off base in finding her whole call “off.” I would say, if at all possible, stay put with the troop for right now; for all you know, Leader 2 has other problems in her life and this wacked-out call dumping on you was tied to some other totally unrelated stress that day.

A few questions from me as a leader to you as a leader:

Is she truly only the cookie mom or does she come to every meeting and help? Then she’s more of a real co-leader than cookie parent only. It’s possible that your leadership roles aren’t totally clear and she feels she has more say in meetings than she actually does. Possible? Going forward next school year: Have all three of you taken the official GS training for leaders of rising Brownies? You’re supposed to have it. See if you can take it together as soon as possible – if you can do it in person somewhere (your GS Council should have listings of trainings), I would, rather than doing it separately online. Doing adult GS leader training as a team won’t solve her issues or make you feel warm and fuzzy toward her, but it could help both of you be more objective - you will have to play well together for the training time, and you can bring up things like meeting planning in that environment where a trainer can answer questions. (Do not say “My co-leader hates my meeting plans…”)

If you feel Leader 2 won’t do training, or she backs down and says “I’m only cookie parent, I don’t have to do this,” do it with Leader 3 if her role is one that needs training.

I assume you’re part of a GS Service Unit? If not, you really need to be. Most SUs have regular meetings you should attend (usually monthly). That is a good place to get to know other leaders of other troops. One, they can help you see that your problems aren’t unique; two, you can figure out if there is another troop that would work, if you eventually move your child.

Meanwhile, do not give your daughter ANY inkling of any strife. She will absorb it much more than you realize. If the troop has summer “off” and isn’t meeting, that could help calm things down. If you feel you must address this woman about it, I would stick strictly to, “While I feel I do watch my daughter and address her behaviors, if you ever feel she’s not behaving like a cooperative Girl Scout in a meeting, please point it out to me then and there and I am glad to deal with it.” Same for other issues, such as, “If you have ideas for meeting planning, please e-mail them to to me and I"m glad to have the input.” Never bring up anything personal. At all. She did, and you know how that worked out.

If she starts calling out your child IN meetings for things you truly feel are not justified, you may have to meet with her and Leader 3 and say you need everyone to agree that each parent is in charge of her own child during meeting time. It sounds as if your child and hers play together at their house at times, so much of this venting was not actually about GS meeting behavior – is that correct? If so, I would be too busy this summer for play dates unless they are at a neutral third place like a park. Maybe organize some Girl Scout troop play meet-ups at the park during the summer so other girls from the troop are there.

4

The only thing that caught my eye in this post is the fact you allowed that woman to berate you for an hour. You should have stopped that immediately. Never allow someone to speak to you disrespectfully. Especially someone that you have no connection with. If she tries it again just say, “I do not allow anyone to speak to me this way. When you would like to have a discussion, please let me know” and hang up or walk away.

Stand your ground. Ignore her idiotic rant and move on. Bullies hate it when they are ignored - they have no power then. Literally, if she makes a rude comment to you - look at her then look away and keep on with what you were doing. Do not give her any power by acknowledging her.

5

Seems to me she let things bottle up inside herself and then let it all out in a unreasonable torrent of drama.
Some of her issues might be reasonable but any valid points she might have had lost ALL credibility when she lost her sanity and blew up.

Listen - there will ALWAYS be people who try to dump their load of crap onto you and expect you to carry it.
Remain calm and let it slide off your back.
Tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way” (acknowledge her feelings) and then do absolutely NOTHING different.
Her feelings are HER problem - not yours.
(And I really suspect she’s way too tied in/involved with her daughters feelings - she needs to step out of the kids drama but she’s not doing that).
Disconnect from her emotionally - she can’t make you feel anything without your permission.
The girls may or may not remain friends - but encourage your daughter to spend time with other girls and join other activities.
Gradually - the old groups drift apart and new groups form up.

6

I find that these things are very rarely one sided. I was a troop leader for seven years, and luckily my co leader and I were and still are best friends. But honestly, I can imagine women I’ve collided with like this, and there are always - always - two sides to the story. There is one woman in my life whose daughter used to be in our troop - she was the biggest drama queen messed up crazy woman I have ever known. I have her blocked on Facebook, I avoid her like the plague, she still bashes me publicly. She’s lost multiple friends. In my opinion, she is absolutely nuts! Her daughter made mine cry regularly and then dumped her and threatened her friends to ignore her or they’d be dumped too. The mom has lost multiple friends because she is very self centered and scary psycho.

That being said - I know that she has her version of events. I disagree with her 100% on her perceptions of the past, but I know she has a completely different view of events. I don’t know whether she is delusional or a flat out liar, but either way, her version of events, in my opinion, is 100% false. But I’m not naive enough to ignore the fact that the truth probably lies in the middle somewhere.

So I know this other mom you describe has 100% her own version of events. That being said, which one are you? Am I reading “my” version here or my “enemy’s” version. I suspect it is somewhere in the middle. I’ll bet there is a kernel of truth to the things she says or at least to her perception. Perhaps she is a delusional liar. Perhaps you are.

By the way, our schism started over disagreements in girl scouts - even though she never stepped up to volunteer, she had a big mouth, big opinions, and her daughter had to be the star of the show to the detriment of others. We stuck it out and eventually disbanded when the girls got older and lost interest. Luckily the bitch mom and her daughter changed schools, but they still live down the street from me.

Personally, I think four leaders is too many. That’s nuts. But if she’s the cookie mom, that’s a crappy job and she could have it in my book. And if she IS the cookie mom, make sure you’re letting her do the job and not being too bossy.

I would call all the leaders together for a meeting and discuss how these personal issues are making it impossible to continue on in the troop as it stands. Are there really times when your daughter would be alone with her? I would talk to the other leaders about the things she is saying and doing to you and your daughter and ask for their honest perspective. Be prepared to hear it - if they agree with her, I’d take my daughter to another troop. But if they have a more balanced view of the situation (which I suspect, because the truth is somewhere in the middle) I’d ask for their help. But be prepared to accept some of the blame. It’s only right and honest for your daughter to see you handle it like a grown up and not a drama queen.

(by the way, I speak from experience. The other mom wanted to bury the hatchet, so we had a long discussion in which I acknowledged the reasons she was upset with me and even though I disagreed with her characterizations, I still apologized that I had hurt her. She, however, refused to acknowledge anything or apologize for anything. She just wanted to forget it all - I couldn’t move on with her. It pissed her off at me more, but she is a megalomaniac and I had to cut her out of my life 100%).

7

I’m with Momma11…why did you stay on the phone for an hour with this woman. I think you are all taking your volunteer duties too seriously. I realize your daughter loves girl scouts, but most kids give that up in 2nd or 3rd grade. Just walk away now…save your daughter from the drama/emotional abuse.

8

You lost me when you called this mom a bully, she sounds like she is doing the same thing you think you are doing. She is trying to keep a unified front in the troop setting. After all she called you, she did not do this in front of the troop or other moms. This is actually a rare trait in your generation. Y’all usually love to fly the drama flag for all to see.

I have to wonder if you aren’t dramatic and just don’t realize it. I mean this is kind of dramatic, bully? I get that is part of the discourse of your generation. Near as I can tell it means I don’t like what you said and I want you to stop.

She didn’t want to talk to you in the hall because it would have caused drama.

Sorry but you have two very different personalities, that is all that is going on here. No bullies, no victims, just two different ways you approach problems. So perhaps the best, most mature, least dramatic solution is to call her back, say ya know, we seem to have two different approaches here how do we cover our differences for the sake of the girls.

This is your first post, I don’t know you from Adam, but I do know that there is always two sides to every story. Your side does sound dramatic so I can’t help but think she may have a few valid points as well. Everything you said she said were not direct quotes they were your feelings and although the nappy hair is a grey area I get the feeling she didn’t actually say your daughter has nappy hair.

Chill the drama and communicate because that is what is best for your daughter.

9

I am sorry that this happened to you. I want to share my story with you.

My son was on a sports team where he was bullied by another boy. It got so bad that we removed our son from the team and put him on another team which turned out to be wonderful. That nasty boy was eventually kicked out of the league all together, we found out later on.

I think the ball is in your court now. Can you remain civil now with all the tension she has stirred up? What kind of an experience or memory do you want your daughter to have looking back 10 years from now at her GS troop?

My reason for pulling my son out of the bad team was that I didn’t want him to quit the sport. I want him to have a positive experience. If we would have stayed, it would have been bad as I would have lost my cool and it would have harmed my son in the end. I did not want that to happen. I wanted my son to know that I have his back and support his love of the sport. We pulled out quietly and with grace. We learned, moved on, and we ended up with the best season he has had to date. We turned a negative experience into a positive one. The best part is that our whole family made new friends with the new team.

It’s sad that one bad apple can ruin a bushel of good apples. Trust me, this is not the first or last time this woman will create strife for this troop. Keep that in mind. If she is spewing venom on your child, you can bet her daughter knows it too and will do the same. Me, I would not want my child in that type of environment.

Sometimes it’s best to walk away quietly with dignity. Maybe this troop isn’t the right fit for you and your daughter. Try to learn from this experience. The co-leader’s mean words???..constructive criticism–look it like that.

Wishing you the best.:slight_smile:

10

It seems obvious that your child and hers had a little spat, and she’s let herself get all angry and has gone inappropriate mama bear on you.

I wouldn’t respond to her rant. Personally, I’d write her off in my mind as someone I would avoid and only be cordial to for the sake of DD, and school activity harmony.

I wouldn’t pull your DD out if she loves it. But as you are a co-leader, I would be sure to be present at every function this other woman leads. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. Yes, I would insist on that after she clearly seems to be inappropriately harsh with your DD. No matter what her issue with you, that’s just not acceptable.

I’d be making conscious effort to keep good relations with the other leaders, other parents, and other friends. Eventually, people have a tendency to show their true colors to everyone around them given enough time and opportunity. If you give her no fuel to battle with you, she’s going to seek out drama elsewhere. And she’ll sink her own ship. Eventually, the troop will change or disband.

Get your DD involved with other activities and other friends. Watch her for any signs that she may not be enjoying this troop any longer and following her lead, let it be OK for her to quit and join other groups.

11

Sit the woman down, try and work it out, have a moderator there to help bring balance to the conversation. IF you can’t, I think I would join a different troop. Some people just aren’t meant to work together. Life is too short for this much drama… Or you could kill her with kindness… either way, this is less about girl scouts and in my opinion, something set this woman off and it’s been brewing within her for a long time… She is a co-leader NOT the overall leader and although she might have some valid complaints or not, she didn’t handle it too well… Again, try and talk it out, write down what you want to say and definitely have an unbiased moderator there, otherwise, I don’t think the conversation will get too far…

good luck

12

I think Mel R. and Julie H. have great points. I think there is value to the comments that there are always 2 sides to a story. My guess is that this woman feels completely unappreciated - perhaps by you and the other leader, perhaps elsewhere in her life. Cookie Mom is a huge job, and sometimes if someone feels put upon, they lash out by criticizing others instead of just asking for what they need.

I agree you shouldn’t have spent an hour on the phone although I commend you for staying calm and not joining the rant. I do think she’s grasping at straws by talking about your other daughter having a potty accident. So the whole conversation devolved pretty early on. It may well be that you are overlooking some things you did that could be corrected and that ticked her off to the point that she is holding grudges and keeping a list of offenses that are eating her up.

I would have a sit-down meeting with all the leaders - prep the other one with “There seems to be a huge disconnect between me and Mary” as Mel suggested. I’d also call the local Girl Scout Council to which you belong and ask what resources they provide for conflict resolution and leader training. I’d ask that person to come to your leader meeting as a moderator and arbitrator. I think you need a neutral party involved, and I think you all need to commit to raising up your management techniques beyond just a bunch of moms who are meeting their own needs through over involvement in their kids’ activities. I’m not saying you’re doing that - but I think making a public commitment to NOT do that is beneficial. Volunteer jobs aren’t exactly the same as paid jobs because there’s often no supervision - but that means some people think they can do whatever the hell they want. But there is a level of professional behavior that needs to be brought into volunteer activities. I’d get someone “official” involved to help everyone clear the air and raise the bar. If it’s presented as “We ALL need to do this” and not as “Lady, you are WAY out of line with your drama”, you have some hope of improvement. It also puts this woman on the radar of the Council, which may serve you well down the road.

13

oh, my! what a difficult situation! i feel for you. there’s no easy way out of this one.
it sounds very much as if she’s been letting things build up for a long time and just spewed it all over you in one massive vent. i’m impressed that you stuck it out on the phone. i’m afraid i’d have blown back.
it would be easier if your daughter weren’t happily involved in the scouts, but i don’t think it’s an option for her to suffer or switch troops because of Drama Mama.
so, what are your options? i was never in GS, but i’ve heard they have pretty comprehensive guiding, training and mentorship for their leaders. your best bet is probably to contact them and find a calm neutral third party mediator and have a powwow. this won’t be the GS’s first rodeo. girls + moms = drama.
if you’re a very calm and low-key type (and forgive me, you sound perfectly normal to me but i haven’t heard the other side, so you may indulge in a bit of Drama Dancing yourself) you could stiffen your spine, wrap impermeable personal shields around yourself, and carry on. be smiling and pleasant. do not engage in the shivving, either directly or indirectly with the other leaders. let her out herself to everyone else and stay far, far above it on the highest road you can muster. the best part about this option is what a great example you’ll be for your own kid (and i do hope you’re not discussing this with her. i’m sure she’s aware of it, as kids are very perceptive this way, but you don’t ever want to wallow in something like this with your kids.)
the third option is bow out gracefully and have your daughter do something different. the advantage is, of course, that you sidestep a summer (at least) of discomfort while this shakes out, and that you get a fresh start. the considerable drawback is that your daughter doesn’t get to GS with her already established friends. and…er…that there are never any guarantees that this woman’s soul sister isn’t lurking in the future wings.
i don’t think there’s an easy answers for sure. i myself would probably have to go with option 1, intervention through the GS hierarchy. option 2 is likely the best overall, but i’m afraid i would be too volatile. i think the high road is a great place to be, but i’m too much of a mudwrestler at heart.
good luck, hon. please let us know what you decide and how it works out.
khairete
suz

14

I don’t have a girl and (thank God) there seems to be more girl mama drama.
Couple thoughts:

  1. There are always 2 sides to every story. Honestly consider her remarks, put your indignation aside, and look for validity. Do you owe this woman an apology? Does your daughter owe her daughter an apology?

  2. Pulling your daughter out seems extreme to ME. If the reason is that the adults can’t act like adults and handle things in a mature way. You can’t run from everything like this that happens. And I suspect you will experience more of this.

  3. Clearing the air is necessary. Start with “I’m sorry this happened because I could not do this without all of your hard work and help” then go from there.

  4. Check your inner martyr. “The one that does the most after me”?

And I think it’s a little over the edge to be worrying about your “emotional wellbeing” over this. And to not “trust” your daughter with her seems a tad extreme. My son has a group of friends he’s had since 3 and 4 yr preschool–we are ALL like second parents to ALL of the kids.

15

Based on what you’ve shared here (which is only your side of the story of course) it sounds like she’s had some issues with you and your daughter for a while, and rather than discussing it with you rationally she let things bottle up over time and it came out as an attack.
I’m not sure why you allowed this to go on for an hour? After ten minutes of this one sided phone call I would have said you know Jane, I’m really sorry you feel this way, I’ve heard your concerns and I hope we can work together going forward, but I’m not going to sit here and listen to you yell at me any longer.
As far as Girl Scout leadership, I was lucky to have gotten along with most of my fellow leaders and parents. But we had a meeting at the beginning of every school year, leaders AND parents, where we discussed our activities and goals, where our focus would be, how meetings would be run, and how parents would be helping to support the troop. We did cookie sales but we didn’t make a huge deal out of it, some girls sold hundreds of boxes, some a few and some none at all. We donated our cookie money to needy causes so it didn’t stay in the troop for long anyway.
I hope you can figure this out for your daughter’s sake. Girl Scouts can be such a rewarding experience when it’s done right.

16

Don’t assume that because this mom expressed certain frustrations that every mom agrees with her. Don’t make that leap. Ok, one mom had some complaints, but she doesn’t speak for everyone.

"Plus I have to see everyone for up to 7 years more because our kids all go to school together. "

You are giving her way too much credit. She does not speak for all moms at your daughter’s school.

You just need to walk away from this conversation and not give it a second thought for awhile. This mom behaved in a ridiculous, immature way. It is very possible that one or two of her points were valid and that she had a legitimate reason to be upset with you and/or your daughter. We are all human and make mistakes. In a few days it might be helpful for you to consider that possibility, but only for your personal growth.

It is so important to walk away from a situation like this and remember that sometimes people make bad choices. This mom made a bad choice in how she handled this. Most other moms would agree with that. She is going to alienate herself if she doesn’t step back and realize how poorly she behaved. That’s on her, not you. Let it go.

I think it would be a great idea to have a leader’s meeting this summer. Discuss this year. List the things that went well and the things that could be improved. Talk about the next year. What would you like to see happen. Talk about the leaders and divide the jobs. Be very clear about what each person is responsible for.

I was in Girl Scouts until I was 18 and then served as a leader of troops. Still, that was 20 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. But I thought a “Cookie Mom” was just in charge of cookies. Now, I realize that selling cookies was very different in my day. We took orders, the cookies arrived, we delivered and collected money. End of story. When I was in scouts troops were just beginning to toy around with the idea of ordering extra cases and setting up shop outside of stores. Still, if she is the cookie mom, you might try suggesting she stick to cookies and let the other leaders take care of the rest.

17

I think that before switching troops, maybe you could ask her to meet you for coffee and hash things out face to face. Now that she has put it all out there, she is probably much calmer now and you two might get more resolution. Bring in the other co-leader to moderate. I hope you can get it all worked out for your daughters’ sake.

18

I don’t mean to sound rude - I’m just going to ask a basic question.

It does not sound from your post that your two girls get on. You say you thought they played well together, but mention your daughter has been rude to her (and you had to intervene). If there’s this much trouble (where the other mom also intervenes) - why have them play together?

To avoid drama, I don’t do that. I go by good fits - it just sounds like you guys should have been co-leaders - and keep it at that level. Let the girls just do Girl Scouts together - they don’t have to be friends.

I had a mom call me once and go off … (I butted in when she caught her breath after 3 minutes) and I said “Well, doesn’t sound like a great fit now does it?” Neither kid was a bad kid - they just didn’t get along harmoniously. I wasn’t up for hearing about it every time so I just said “let’s let it go shall we?”.

The thing is - you can’t parent when you’re not there, and I would just have said that. I would say “Listen, sorry this all went on, I had no idea. Had I known, I would have done something. A bit late now. Can we move on and just be leaders and work together? If you have concerns about my leadership style or efforts, can we meet as a group of leaders and discuss plans and approach for next year?”

Come up with a positive way to deal with this. I used to work in conflict resolution and mediation and you throw all the drama out - and agree to move forward and focus on something that works.

Good luck :slight_smile:

19

I agree with Margie. The fact is, we don’t get along with everybody. This is an opportunity to teach your girls how to handle such situations (we don’t run away). Get together, speak kindly, be gracious, and agree that perhaps there’s a personality conflict. You can both still work together for the good of the troop without trying to fake being besties.

20

I would keep taking my daughter as long as it doesn’t impact her being in the troop or her enjoyment of it.

I would not have taken a verbal lashing for an hour on the phone. Either she could have brought it up at the time or she can bring it up in public. And if she has a problem with your child specifically, then your child can avoid hers, problem solved. I would keep my head high. We don’t always get along with everyone. As for your meeting plans, she’s entitled to her opinion, but you need not change them for her. I would focus on the others that you do get along with and try to move on from this outburst. I wonder from the brief description here if she’s jealous and wants to be the main leader or wants some aspect of your job. Don’t let her bully you. If you have a run-in during a meeting, ask the co-leaders to stay after and have a leaders-only meeting that doesn’t involve the kids. For her to say your child’s hair is nappy is just trying to hit you with a low blow. I wouldn’t take her bait.

If your meetings are not held in a neutral place like a school, then perhaps it is time to have them be done somewhere that doesn’t involve the leaders hosting. I would look at this like a business arrangement, not a friendship. Some of the PTA moms are buddy buddy and some are not. I’m not close with most of them and I look at my school involvement less as a social activity and more a “what needs to be done here?” venture.