I'm looking for advice on how to handle discipline for my son who scratched cars. He didn't do it to be malicious, but he still did it and can't tell me why :( Would you have the police talk to him?
Yes and also have him apologize to the neighbors and have him offer himself to do yard work or any thing else to work off the money it is going to take to repair the paint where he scratched it. And the a good long grounded would be in order at my house
I would use a bazooka on this one. What I mean by that is everything that Becca said, and more. He will need to do work that raises the money to cover the cost of repairing the scratch. He needs to see just how much physical labor it takes to raise that kind of money. And you have to stand over him and make him do it. Scrubbing toilets. Cleaning floors. Pulling weeds. It’s going to be miserable for you. I’m sorry. But if you DON’T do this now, God knows what you’ll have to do when he’s a young teen.
And yes, call the police at their non-emergency number and ask who you can have scare the beejeebers out of your son.
Whoa… That’s vandalism. You bet I would have a police officer and more speaking with him pretty harshly about repercussions and what might happen if he were of the age to be arrested when he did this.
As for my punishment… He’d be working his little butt off daily to earn money for the repairs.
Next, figure out why he chose to do something like this. He knows it was was wrong.
If it was truly an accident then he needs to fix this. Like riding his bike whild holding a stick but he accidentally ran to close to their car… It’s fairly easy to go to the dealer and buy a paint pen that matches their paint. I’ve done it several times.
Then he needs to help them in any way he can to make up for the damage to his car.
IF IF IF he stood there with a stick and poked and drew pictures that scratched their paint off then yes, he needs more consequences.
He should apologize in person to the neighbor. Then, he should see if there is anything he can help them with - fixing the car, chores around the house, yard work, etc - to make it up to them. Your family (or your insurance) should be responsible for the full cost to fix the car.
Well… when my oldest was 7, she carved her name into my husband’s antique dresser. It had been his grandfather’s. We were stunned, because our older daughter is, and has always been, SUCH a good kid. When we asked her about it, she cried and seemed completely at a loss. She said that she had no idea why she had done it. It was obvious that she was very sorry, and it was just one of those moments in life when a young kid acted without thinking. I actually asked about it here on Mamapedia, and there were some good answers.
At the end of the day, she apologized to her father for ruining this beautiful, sentimental piece of furniture. Then, she did chores around the house to help make up for it - mostly things she could do WITH her dad, such as washing the car, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, cleaning up the garage, etc. She is almost 12 now, and has never done anything like that again. We still have the dresser, and I suppose she will inherit it one day. She did, after all, label it. 
So I guess what I would say is, kids this age often times do stupid things. They’re children. They don’t always think before they act. That’s not an excuse, that is just the reality. All you can do, since you said it was not malicious, is to have him apologize (profusely) to the neighbor. He should ask what he can do to help them, in order to make up for it. (Obviously it would be on you, his parents, to cover the cost of fixing the car.) Maybe he can walk their dog, mow their lawn, take their garbage can down the driveway on garbage pickup day, or things like that. It will likely make a big impression on him to have to do those things, and he will feel better for having taken the responsibility of making up for his bad judgment.
I would have the car owners get estimates on repairs and make him work off the money to pay them all back. He did the crime he needs to do the time.
So it sounds like it was intentional, and not an accident. But he didn’t do it to hurt them or because he didn’t like them, but just “to see what it felt like” or something like that? Kids do that a lot - think of all the school desks with kids’ names carved in them.
I wouldn’t get the police involved for an 8 year old. It can scare them and have them fear things like getting arrested. At this age, you want them to see the police as a resource, as someone to go to in an emergency or if they are concerned about something.
I’d have him write a letter of apology, and go through a couple of drafts rather than just “I’m sorry”, and not have him go into “I’m a terrible person” sort of talk. It has to be about THEM and their property, not how much of a failure he is. Hopefully they were able to take the car to one of those dent-and-scratch places to have it buffed out or touched up, rather than having the whole thing repainted. I’d have them send you the bill, and then have your child do 3 more things:
- deliver the apology note personally and have to look them in the eye while he apologizes face to face.
- work around your house to pay the damage
- work for the neighbors to show that he’s a good and responsible human being, and to show that he realizes that, even if you paid for the damage, they had the inconvenience of getting an estimate, leaving the car someplace for repair and not having the use of it.
I think the punishment should be about making restitution to all parties, not about making him feel terrible about himself. The trick here is to make him more sensitive to others’ expense and hassle, and to teach him the value of a dollar.
Then move on. He’s 8. FYI My son stole some small items from a hardware store about about age 6 - they were just interesting little pegs that you could buy to create your own coat rack. I found them in the basement and didn’t know what they were (and he couldn’t tell me) - then we were in the hardware store a few weeks later and I saw the open bins right at kid eye level, and I put two and two together. So he had to go apologize to the manager. He was too young to really write much, but I did call the manager ahead of time and tell him we were coming in, and to handle it as he saw fit but absolutely to please NOT say that “it’s okay” because it’s not! So the manager was great, sat patiently as if he didn’t know this was coming and watched my son struggle through finding the words and being ashamed, then he asked my son if he was ever going to do it again. My son said, “No.” The manager said, “Good, because if you’re ever going to steal from me again, I can’t let you in the store, ever.” That did it. In this case, my son was able to return the undamaged pegs to the store, so there was no restitution involved.
So a face-to-face apology plus restitution will probably make a strong impression on your son. Then move on, hopefully with the neighbors being kind to him and forgiving him. That’s really important. If they don’t, please let him know that YOU forgive him and trust that he has learned.
I couldn’t imagine calling a cop on an 8 year old. The critical thinking/rational brain is only just developing, so they still do things without thinking. he can’t tell you why he did it because he was probably just testing cause and effect, without thought of the consequence.
I think Diane B has great advice here. This should be a teaching moment, not a scare him moment.
I took a peek at your other questions. Everything, including this, are very typical behaviors for a kid with ADHD. They aren’t trying to be mean or destructive, it is just cause and effect is fun, taking things apart if fun, figuring out what happens when… You get the idea.
As a child I took apart just about every appliance my parents owned. I suppose this would have been destructive if I wasn’t also able to put them right back together. Once I shattered a box of glass ornaments because I loved the sound they made when they broke. That I was breaking things or could break things really never entered my mind, that is ADHD. Broke assed executive function. You don’t realize you did something wrong until someone is yelling at you.
Discipline has to bypass the executive function or higher reasoning. You have to make it be instinctive or a habit. Like breathing is instinctive you don’t think, breathe, okay, breathe, okay breathe. You just do it.
So with the car talk to him. Well now we know what happens when you draw on a car with a stick. There is no eraser. Make him realize the experiment is over, we have results, no need to repeat. Oh yeah, we get bored easily. If an experiment will yield no new results, yawn. If there is no other stimulus he was getting from this project that will solve the problem.
If he got something else out of it you need to know and you need to find out in a, I don’t think you are a freak, you are perfectly normal, but I need to know. Think about my ornaments, would you have accepted I liked the way it sounded? You need to because it is the only way you can teach him to control that impulse. Otherwise he will rationalize you do not understand and your words will have no value.
If he says it was neat the way the paint looked afterwards get him a sand box even if it is in a dish pan. A stick in sand looks the same but he can repeat that over and over without causing damage. He can use different sticks, fingers, your hair brush when you aren’t looking. You have then satisfied his sensory need.
If you haven’t noticed I didn’t mention anything that even vaguely looks like discipline. You can’t discipline these kids like normal kids. They are generally too smart and just get sneaky on you. You have to make them want to be gone, totally internal.
If I sound like a freak understand I was raised with traditional discipline, it doesn’t work! I did whatever I wanted and my parents never knew. My kids were raised like I just described, all four ADHD, one with spectrum. Straight A students, always had the report card remarks, a joy to have in the class, wish I had more. The only thing I did was teach them to want to be good and to talk to me about experiments.
Oh yeah, and working off the damage does work as long as you don’t make it so excessive that their thoughts go from this sucks to plotting how to never get caught again and having to do this.
After reading your other questions, it’s clear that your son has some issues beyond ADD/ADHD and/or a severe lack of supervision. You’ve got a child with a long history of poor decision making and obvious lack of impulse control, he needs constant supervision, either by you or another responsible adult!!! Please look into counseling(for you/him/the family), have his meds looked at if he’s on any, maybe some behavior modification/help with parenting a child like him for you(and dad if he’s in the picture), but at his age just with the things you’ve told us he’s done, you’ve got to get a grip on him or his tween/teen years are going to be a nightmare with potentially serious consequences for his behavior. No, I wouldn’t involve the police, I’m not a fan of using them as a scare tactic,.
Exactly what Diane B and Hell on Heels said. He can’t tell you why he did it because he has no idea. When I was a kid whenever I did something stupid and my parents asked why - the answer was I don’t know. And it was pretty much true. And no - the police are for helping him in an emergency - they are not a scare tactic.
No, I wouldn’t have the police talk to him, unless you know a police officer personally who can talk to him in a really friendly way. Children need to learn to see the police as friends first.
Of course, scratching cars with sticks isn’t something anyone should be doing. And that’s one of the things your boy needs to learn.
He can’t tell you why he did it because he didn’t do it with malice aforethought. He probably didn’t do it with any thought at all! The stick was there and the car was there and he did the wrong things with both of them. I would really like to move on from this thought now, because I can still remember some things I did when I was a kid.
He does need to talk to the neighbor. There is a good article online about how to say “I’m sorry” - at least, it’s the best one I’ve come across for understanding both why and how to apologize:
You can go to the neighbor’s house with him if he needs backup encouragement (and he probably will).
I know you’re embarrassed about all this on several levels. Do YOU need to offer to pay for the damage? Is there anything your son can do for the neighbor in order to make some amends? That’s not punishment as much as it is making things right - and making it right is the important thing for your son to learn about. This won’t be the last time he messes up. He needs (like the rest of us) to know how to make things right.
Another good thing for him to learn might be how the car damage will need to be fixed (assuming your neighbor will need to take the cars to be repainted or something). If you could get the name of the place, perhaps you and your son could visit there and he could see first-hand how much work it takes to fix a scratched car. That’s something that really might stick in a young boy’s head.
By the way, I have not read your previous posts. But I just read some of the other answers (something I do only once in a while), and I find Julie S.'s answer VERY interesting.
i’m really happy you’re taking it seriously, but don’t go overboard. i wouldn’t involve the police in something like this unless you’re concerned that he is actually headed to a life of crime.
he’s still a pretty small fellow, and i’m sure he’s struggling to understand let alone articulate the impulse that drove him to do this. although no longer a baby, he’s still at an age where pushing boundaries to figure out where they are is the way they make sense of the world. to most kids it’s irresistible to ‘break’ things, whether it’s knocking the heads off flowers when they hike or crushing the sandcastle or seeing how hard you need to push the stick to make a visible scratch in the car.
that doesn’t mean they should follow every impulse, of course.
rather than be overly concerned that he explain it to you, focus rather on stern, impactful consequences. if this were my kid he would need to apologize in person, give up some future longed-for treats (a trip to an amusement park, a video game, a cell phone) to cover the costs involved to you, and to do some work around the owner’s house to ‘work off’ the crime if this is an option.
it’s good for him to think about why he did it, but don’t make YOURSELF crazy wondering why he can’t explain it. he’s just a boy who did a naughty thing, and now has to pay the piper.
khairete
suz
NO! Do not have the police talk to him. They do not like it when parents want them to scare young children into thinking they will do bad things to them like putting them in jail. They would rather the child think of them as the good guys so they will go to them if needed.
Years ago when my kids were very small, there was a young boy in the neighborhood that intentionally scratched up 3-4 cars parked on the street with the uncapped handlebars of his bike. Pretty much, kids find that kind of stuff fascinating without realizing that is is incredibly expensive damage.
A good consequence for him would be to wash the neighbor’s cars (with supervision) and/or other related things to help the neighbor. I assume that you’re paying for the damage, so your son should also do these things for you to ‘pay back’ the money that you needed to spend.
If the neighbors didn’t bring in the police, neither should you. Police are not tools to use to scare kids.
The bottom line is that boys in particular just do stupid stuff. That embarrass the heck out of mom/family and the child learns after the fact, man, was I ever not thinking.
This sounds like an opportunistic moment of sharp stick and parked car coming together. And a young boy with no sense of the cost of repairing what he was about to do,and no impulse to stop it. Because he has no idea where money comes from and he is just an immature 8 year old.
So, now is the perfect time and opportunity to teach him to say sorry to the neighbors, and teach him to do chores that help off set the cost of the damage.
Guess he will be spending the summer working for what it costs to fix! 8 is d enough to know you do not do that. He needs to apologize, work, and he needs to have some sort of punishment I.e., take away video games etc. nip this kind if behavior now!
I would make him use his allowance to buy touch up paint and repair the damage he did.
Don’t call the police and ask them to “scare him straight.” You don’t want him to fear cops, you want him to trust them. .