I know that this is an age old problem - but I have a mother-in-law who plays favorites and I'm ready to strangle her. This has been going on since my girls were born. She only has 3 grandchldren, all girls and the world revolves around my sister-in-laws girl and mine - we'll they get the left overs. She didn't even come to see my 2nd daughter until she was 6 months old (mil lives in Atlanta) because she had to fly to Toledo to see the oldest Grandchild for her birthday and has told me that she could never miss the oldest grandchilds brithday (but has never been to one of my girls' brirthday). It has been 2 years since she seen my girls and she's here now for their dance recitle, which my husband shamed her into coming to. And my 2 grils are thrilled she is here. But the first eveing she is here she hands each of my girls a bag with some goodies in them, color books, jump ropes that kind of stuff. Then she pulls out pictures of her with the oldest grandchild and shows my girls the disney cruise that Grandma took their cousin on. I could have screamed! She gives my girls $10 worth of stuff then show me, my husband and my girls how she took their cousin on the Disney cruise and to Disney World. How on earth do I deal with a woman like that? If she wants to play favorites fine, but at least don't flaunt it to us. Right now my girls are young enough that it dosen't bother them, but I know it won't be long until they do. And it really bothers me! She even tells people that she dosen't see our girls because we never invite her. Which isn't true and is how my husband shamed her into coming. She tried pulling that on him and he told her to just wait a minute, that she's told of every birthday party, every dance recitle and she always has something else to do (mostly with her oldest grand-daughter). I just don't know how to handle this, I'd like to say something, but I'm not sure that I should or what I should say. I can't tell her that she can't do nice thing for our neice (after all it's not her fault Grandma treats my girls like she does) and I don't want to spend my vactions with her. But I'd like her to treat my girls better. Visit them more than every 2 years when her son shames her into it. But I also know that if I say anything she gets mad, pouts and tells my husband that I hate her and I'm mean to her. The woman is Marie off of Everyone Loves Raymond. Anyone got a clue on how I can get this woman to treat my girls a little more equally?
Stephanie,
I have married and divorced 3 times. The first (MIL) & the second (MIL) played favorites.It just showed me the type of mother I refuse to be or turn into. My birth mother and my step-mother favor certain grandkids. Personally it bothers me the way my girls get treated. However, I do not let it show to my family or to my girls. I do talk about it to the gentleman I am currently seeing. He does not like the way my step-mom favors her biological grnadkids over her 3 step-grandkids. What she does is she will favor my step-sisters kids and my half-brothers kids (or their step children) over my girls. If you need someone to talk to do not hesitate to contact me at srw5299yahoo.com
There must be reasons why this is happening... I'm going to take a stab in the dark that the other kids are from a daughter and not her son? If not, did she play favorites between her kids growing up? Also, there may have been tensions a long the way between her and your husband. Did he move out early or get into drugs or something that made her distant when he was a teen? She may have been closer to the other child/family from the start.
Did the oldest granddaughter come at a time when grandma was able to be with her from the start? I can imagine that being around her as a baby would help her to feel closer. Also, did the oldest grandaughter have an illness or something that caused grandma to worry a lot?
Is it true that you are mean to her? You just said you wouldn't want to spend vacations with her. Even if it's not what you say, it may be what you do, body language etc.
I can feel your frustration. And it may be that they simply don't have the money to go places equally and that spending vacations with the other family has been easy for them to do.
I can't imagine that she wants to hurt your daughters. But you should be honest with how you feel, directly to her, not just to your husband and to us. BUT....AND I'll say it again BUT... If you are honest with her you need to be ready for her to be honest back. She may have some things to say that you don't want to hear.
Suzi
I am baffled by this! Obviously, the problem rests with your MIL and not with you or your children. Your husband is obviously aware of the problem if he is the one shaming her into visiting - and that's a good thing. He needs to talk to his mother, not you. He needs to tell her that HE feels like his she isn't giving his girls the same level of her time and affection as the first granddaughter. He should tell her that he hopes his girls are always close to her because grandparenting is important and when they get older, they will notice that they are not being grandmothered the same as their cousins. That will make her granddaughters feel like grandma doesn't love them as much. If she doesn't accept that she is playing favorites, then your husband should flat out say fine, but please don't show my girls photos of your Disney trip with your other granddaughter if you have no intention of taking my girls on a trip. How can anyone argue with that?
I agree that this is a problem for you to discuss with your husband and then let him handle the MIL. I understand that family is important and that you want your girls to get to know their grandmother, but honestly, if she isn't willing to put forth the effort when you give her every opportunity, then it is her lose and nothing for you to stress over. I do agree that the whole Disney thing was way over the top and completely rude. Maybe if something like that happens again, you could drop a hint that maybe when your girls are older grandma could do the same thing with them. That way she gets the hint that you don't think it is fair but you are not promising the girls something that might not ever happen.
My mother is the same way. (It started with her kids and now it's our kids) My sister has three boys and my mom favors the oldest and youngest. I have two sons and she favors the oldest. We have told her and we stay on top of it each time. If she gives one of them more money we split it up ourselves. But the fact is that you can't change people. This is your chance to teach your girls a very important lesson. Some people just aren't fair and sometimes life isn't. Instead of focusing on something that is negative you have to turn your attention to the positives in life.
Remember the quote:
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
If it has been made clear that she is showing preference then leave it alone. She doesn't live close enough for it to matter. Invite her to things and drop it.
Do you have parents? If so I would cling to them. Or if you go to church I bet there's an older person in your church who would love to be an adopted grandma. Or maybe a neighbor(just ask) Most older people's grandchildren forget about them when their teens.
Show your children that their happiness does not depend on another person.
God Bless ya,
Lisa B
So is your "sister-in-law" the mother-in-laws daughter? If so then that is probably why. The mother-in-law has that mother duaghter relationship which is different and therefore she is probably more comfortable being with the daughter and her other granddaughter. Where with a son she has to deal with the "daughter-in-law" who of course can't do things as good as she can to take care of her son and granddaughters. You will probably have to keep guilting grandma into coming and will probably have to keep biting your toungue while she is there. Maybe try to give her some alone time with the kids without you being there like an outing with Grandma to help forge a bond and take lots of pictures of them together. Then send a picture of them together to her every once and awhile and put a note in about how much they miss their grandma. (Nothing like a little guilt)
Good luck!
Michelle
This all sounds too familar to me. I have one daughter and my husbands mom actually whole family favors both of his sisters kids. It gets really bad. We even talked to his mom about it and she said that a grandchild from a daughter is different than a grandchild of a son. I think that is total BS because it doesn't have to be. From my experience, it is not going to get better. If she knows about it and does nothing than there is really nothing you can do. You can't force her to love your children more. I am pregnant with twins and my in-laws could care less. I guess you should TRY to appreciate the things that your daughters get and the attention they get and go out of your way to love them more. My parents are great with my daughter and have 8 grandkids and treat them all the same. Not all grandparents can be like that. They can pick favorites just like anyone can.
Others are correct: there is nothing you can say to this woman that will change her. Any confrontation of the MIL will have to be done by your husband. You need to concentrate on helping your girls handle this, as in the future they will surely notice it (especially if you don't stop letting it bother you). Tell your husband that all of this is too upsetting for you and that he needs to send the cards and pictures and handle any correspondence with his mother. Tell him that as long as his mother continues to slight your girls, you have no desire to visit her or spend vacations with her. When the girls begin to notice grandma's favoritism, you need to explain to them that there is nothing wrong with them; that it is grandma who has a problem. Children can be brutally honest, and at some point when grandma breaks out the pix of her on her latest adventure with the favored granddaughter, one of your girls may just ask her how come she never does that kind of stuff with them.
There are so very many reasons why people behave the way they do, and often we don't understand how things look to others. It is often the case that a first child, first grandchild, first niece or nephew, will inspire the parent/grandparent/aunt or uncle in us to come alive and we fall head-over-heels into that identity. When this happens, the person can so identify with that relationship that it gives new meaning to their own life and they get really absorbed in it and lavish much energy into it. Then when others come along, they are already 'too busy' with the first one.
When this happens, you can be relatively certain that this grandparent has become personally dependent on that relationship. It isn't about the children. It is about her.
Showing those pictures of the cruise is just another way of showing you 'who she is'. Folks that behave this way don't even see how it might appear to others.
My mother was similar in many ways. I was certainly not her favorite child and my son, even though she lived with us so we could support and care for her, was not her favored grandchild. She cared for my brother's children as if they belonged to her and only changed my son's diapers if I was in hospital. When we were younger, this all seemed so painful and insulting. But I came to understand how very insecure she was and how frightening life is for folks like that.
The best thing that I can tell you is that, over the years, I have come to realize how greatful I am to have not been the focus of her attentions. It was not healthy attention and did not have beneficial results for my brother or his children in the long run. I have learned to be grateful for what I have, and even more grateful for what I don't have!!
Another great wisdom that grew out of my experiences is this: The river doesn't tend to flow upstream without some extreme effort. And, if you make the extreme effort, it just tends to all wash back over you with a vengence. In the same way, it was our parents' responsibility to educate and correct us, and our responsibility to educate and correct our children. Some of the most painful and disappointing experineces I've ever had was when I tried to correct or educate my parents. It never worked, and I tried to do with with great respect and genuine love. I've warned my son about this and told him that I will always try to learn if he has something to teach me, but that if it doesn't work he shouldn't feel bad because parents are just the worst learners in the world.
The thing you or your husband might want to do is to thank her for sharing the pictures, but to then add something like: "You know how children are when you set up an expectation. Now that you have shown these pictures to the girls and shown them that this is what you do as a grandmother, at some point they will likely ask you about when you are going to take them on such an adventure. What would you like us to tell them if they start asking us questions about that? We wouldn't want to make things awkward for you."
The one thing I have learned about speaking with my elders is that criticism, even in attitude, is unwelcomed and harmful. But, respectfully laying the problem at their feet and asking for their advice can be quite effective. It is the most honest and respectful method I found. If she responds poorly to that, you will still feel great about your own choices.
Encourage genuine relationships for your children. Be glad that they will not be ensnared in a relationship with someone who is not sensitive to the needs of children. Such relationships can cause so many other problems for them. My son adopted an uncle who was something like a godfather to him and my mother-in-law was a wonderful grandmother to him. He still has a great relationship with his adopted uncle and his life is much, much the richer for that bond.
Your daughters have two loving and caring parents. So many children do not have that. Celebrate as much of this life as you can. Your children need your happiness more than they need you to 'fix' what is broken in Grandma.
oh my can you imagine what life would be like if you had to deal with this woman more often
id say you got the good end of the deal
live your life
telling you from experience,, it will more than likely always be that way
dont let her get to you
thats what she wants
ignore her,,dont let it trouble you
in the end it is your mother in law who will lose
i hope this makes some sense
1 more thing family is not always blood
there may be grmas in your own area,,who could be even more loving to your little ones,, than their biological
Hi Stephanie,
Boy do I hear you!! Please keep me posted on what others recommend. My MIL lives in the same town and can't seem to spend time with my 2 boys. We see hear at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and maybe 2 or 3 times during the year after that. I don't know what to do anymore either.
Sad...very sad situation. Sending hugs to you.
Best Wishes,
Jacque H.
We have the opposite problem in our family where the in-laws are trying to communicate with their son and his family and they won't let them. They have four grandchildren they haven't seen in years and it's not from the lack of trying. Very sad situation.
Have your husband speak to his mom. It needs to come from him not you. Have him take her out to dinner or why don't ya'll schedule a time to go visit her this summer. Then your husband can talk to her while you and your daughter's sight see. It needs to be a face to face interaction not over the phone or by email (if she even has it). Start praying for her to have a change in heart and see that she has two other precious granddaughters that she is missing out on.
And don't think that your girls don't know what is going on. They do, they may not express it right now, but I guarantee, your 6 year old was probably thinking why didn't grandma take us to Disney World. Good Luck and God Bless.
You can't change anybody. This is MIL's loss of two grandchildren. It can hurt the star grandchild also. In my family everyone shunned that star child, not to his face of course, but as he got older and saw for himself what was happening, he had a very hard time with it. This is not your problem to solve. You and your husband just love your children and live your lives. At some point MIL will find out all she missed. In my family it has been as all the cousins choose their in laws for Christmas and don't come to visit Grandma because they have no warm feelings about being there.
I had the same problem. My MIL does not like boys and loves girls. Well needless to say my husband and I had 2 wonderful boys who are 8 and 9. In the past no matter how hard we tried to get her involved in their lives it wasn't nearly as special as what her grandaughters where doing. So we just let it go and figured eventually the boys would see it and then maybe the MIL would understand why the boys judge her!!! A few years ago we got into a huge fight (didn't see or commnicate with her for at least 3 years) and it took a death in the family for my MIL to see what she was missing. although she still doesn't see my boys very often...she is trying to make an effort (coming to see one fo their baseball games next week) which is a HUGE accomplishment. Just let your MIL be and let your children see her for who she is. Just remember she'll have to reep what she sows.
I had the same mother-n-law, only she favored my stepson over my daughter, they are 13 yrs apart.
As my daughter was little she never noticed either.
She would take my stepson on many vacations, to the mall,the show and even buy him soda and twinkies to hide in his room from her.
My daughter is 9 now and notices that grandma doesn't do the same thing with her as she did her brother.
These are her only two grand children.
I have sat back and have come to the realization that she did all this stuff with my stepson because she can control my now ex-husband and his ex.
She does not control me or my daughter, and I give her everything she could possibly need.
She has no use for anything she cannot control.
Long story short, I let my daughter tell her grandma her feelings, and it has changed her behavoir.
I helped my daughter come up with what to say to her...."I love you Grandma and it hurts my feelings that...blah..blah..blah"
Have your children ask grandma to come up to see them for whatever, and even have your girls go down to see her.
And whatever feelings they have later on, they should express them to her.
Your feelings and mine would only sound bad to a mother-n-law like this, out of mouths of babes should work.
good luck
We have the same problem, unfortunetley it probably won't get better. My girls are 9 and 7 and my MIL is still just as unfair as always even though we have talked to her about it. One year for Christmas she bought my nephew a race car bed, the same Christmas my girls had asked for bunkbeds and we couldn't afford them at that time, she bought my girls clothes off the clearance rack (she left the tags on). Every summer she takes my nephew on vacation, she has taken him to Texas, Disney Land, Chicago and Washington DC just to name a few, she has never taken my girls anywhere. You are right about the kids eventally noticing the difference in treatment our 9 year old refuses to call her by grandma instead calls her by her first name. Our solution has been to try and build their bond to be very strong with their other set of grandparents which seems to have worked. Good Luck.
Oh Stephanie, I feel your pain! My MIL also plays favorites with her daughter's kids and their children (her great grandchildren, who are my kids' ages). It makes me and my other sister-in-law crazy! My kids are younger (3 and 1), my SIL are older (16, 15, 13) and she has been dealing with our MIL a lot longer than I have. She gets really angry at her too. MIL didn't see my 15 year old niece when she was born for about 2 months, and she only lived 5 miles away! But she was at the hospital when her daughter's kids were born, and when the great gradnchildren were born . . .
I really don't have much advice because my husband and I don't know what to do either. Saying something just makes it worse, because she is a master at turning things around on you and she is never wrong! We also joke that she is Marie from Raymond! She says things like "I'm the grandma you never see" or "you kids probably don't remember me". She is very jealous because my kids see my mom more than they see her, but we live equal distance from both. My parents just make the effort to call and come see my kids, she doesn't. If my husband wouldn't call HER, we would go weeks without hearing from her. She says she doesn't want to call because it's long distance, but we keep telling her our cell phones aren't long distance, just call on our cell. But, she doesn't. And she never invites us to anything, but then tries to guilt us because we weren't there. We invite her to everything and ask them to come for BBQ, etc. but she says it's too far to drive (about 40 miles), but she'll go to the Riverboat once a month, which is about 35 miles from her house. Go figure.
Anyway, I would say just talk to her, but I know that wouldn't work for us, so I don't know what to tell you. All I do is pray that she sees the error of her ways before it is too late and the kids recognize what she does. I will make sure that my kids understand that they are very loved no matter what grandma does or doesn't do with/for them. That is all I can really do. She is never going to change. That's just the bottom line. If you and your husband think that things would change if you told her how you feel, then give it a shot. And let me know how it turns out!
Good luck!
Okay Stephanie, the first thing that popped into my head was why would you even want a person like this around your girls????? But I know, she is their Grandma. My best friend is 42 and does not speak to her fraternal grandparents for the exact reasons that you explained. They played favorites with the cousins for her whole life. It is so hard when it comes to family, but this woman clearly does not deserve to be around your family, as sad as that is. You are right this will hurt your girls when they get older. Personally I would cut ties with her, she wouldn't be invited anymore. But I can see that you are really hurt by this and want to fix it. Sit her down, maybe even with your husband, make it a family conference, and tell her just what you've told us here. And don't let her guilt you into feeling like you made this up. Sometimes people like that don't even see their own bad behavior. Tell her that the girls love her but her behavior is going to hurt them later on, and surely she wouldn't want to hurt them. If that doesn't get results you may just have to realize that we can't always fix the world, even though we want to. And then go on and love those beautiful little girls enough for you and her. She is the one missing out.
I think you will get alot of responses because this is such a common problem. I have the same problem with my sister in-law favoring my daughters over my sons and now my biological daughter (4 mos)over my adopted daughter (19 mos). The only thing I do is try to keep everything as fair as possible. For example, if she wants to take one of the girls to the Disney Store I make them unavailable because she never does anything with my son(5 yrs) In fact, she never came to his first birthday. Something else you can do is tell her about a "friend" of yours that has this happen to her and how you see it affect the kids. Maybe then she won't feel accused and she might listen better. I have resolved this in my own heart and don't take it personal anymore because you can't make people change. All you can do is protect your kids and love them. Good Luck!