My MIL is a very nice person and she loves to please. She lives overseas and visits us often. She always brings us gifts which are mainly clothes. It is a nice gesture but her taste for fashion differs greatly from mine. She's been gifting me with clothes since I married her son, 5 years ago. During all these years she has never given me somethig I really liked. It is becoming really hard for me to put on a nice face every time I open a package with some hideous garment inside... Even my husband can't take it anymore, last week he collected several blouses and shirts she's given us over the years and donated them. "My mom's sense of fashion is horrible, she's got to stop buying these things for us"... that's what he says to me, but he's never addressed it to her. And now that we have a baby boy, she's included him on the gift list. Last month she gave him girl clothes! Black pants with sparkling flowers, a white body suit with pink hearts... She said they were cute... I need to put a stop to this situation but I am not sure how. She means well but she is wasting her money with us. How can I tell her that we do not want her gifts anymore without hurting her feelings???
I think if you look up MIL in the dictionary, you will find that one of the definitions is "person who gives unwanted gifts and/or junk." I think many of us can relate.
My suggestion is not to say anything since, the way things are, your MIL is happy, and you only have to deal with getting rid of the stuff. Hopefully you can at least donate it somewhere. On the other hand, if you say something, her feelings WILL be hurt - there is no way to sugarcoat it. Which is the worse outcome: having to dispose of things you don't want, or hurting your well-intentioned, albeit misguided, MIL? There's your answer.
If it really is intolerable for you to get these unwanted presents, what about gently suggesting to her:
(1) that she set up a college fund (or you set it up for her since she is overseas) for your son, exclusively from her, that she can fund, a little bit at a time, with the money that she is otherwise spending on gifts for all of you?
(2) if she has access to the internet, that she choose gifts for your son (to be shipped to your home) from a particular online store since you can't go wrong with their selection (e.g., Gymboree) and gifts for you and your husband, if she insists on giving things to you instead of just your son, where items are easily returnable even without a receipt (e.g., Wal-Mart, Kohl's)?
Good luck - it is an unpleasant situation.
Dear Andrea,
This sort of thing happens in my family all the time. I have decided that since the offenders live far away and never really see us, it is not a big deal. I simply say "thank you" or send a nice note, and then do whatever I choose to with the stuff -- donate to charity, give to friends with properly sexed children, return to store if possible. I agree with the poster who gave the advice about suggesting a particular store like Gymboree which has a website which would make gift giving and returns easier. Regarding the gifts she gives you, I think the best course is to say nothing. First, she is your MIL, so the potential to offend is huge. You indicated she lives far away, so it isn't like she is going to know whether you wear the stuff she gives you. If there is a way for you to make a gentle suggestion then go for it, otherwise, I would probably say that it isn't worth rocking the boat. It drives me crazy seeing money wasted like this in my family too. Good luck!
I haven't read the other notes but we had cousins who kept giving us everything they didn't want. Well, I made the mistake of telling the woman one day (not thinking about who I was talking to) that I was tired of people giving us all these things. ooops, well she really hardly visits us anymore. So to tell the truth, if you can just keep doing what you are doing that might keep the peace. There are other people out there who live in second hand shops waiting for these items!
I agree with Lisa's post, and the other posters....you are very limted in how you can handle this. Dontations are always nice, especially if you have friends that can use the clothes (my friend has a gazzilion nieces/nephews so I pass this stuff on to her and she doesn't have to buy gifts). Passing it on to those in need is always a good thing to do. But when people send those kind of gifts it's like a half thought....I was thinking of you but not enough to send what you would like (very aggravating). Unless there is a medical problem. How is her health?
Unless you can kindly say things like, "The baby is irritated by the material they use we are so sad he can't wear those clothes"...... "such in such a place has THE BEST clothes they wash well and baby JUST LOVES THEM" and then if she responds get a picture taken of the baby in the outfit and send it to her. If these nice hints fall on deaf ears after about 3 or 4 times, I think it's done. Best of luck, and remember...there has to be someone out there with her taste and your dontations are making their day!
There is no way to do it without hurting her feelings. It's her money and she's entitled to spend it as she pleases. Accept the gifts graciously, and then donate them later if you wish. Or sell them on eBay and donate the money to a charity in her name--and don't tell her, ever.
I had the same problem with my first marriage. MIL sent all kinds of horrible clothes, jewelry, decorative (not) items. They lived a few states away, which was good. I do not think it is worth it to say anything. Just take the gifts pleasantly then donate them. There are people who will use them out there - really - lol! Out of 9 years of marriage I probably kept 3 things that whole time and gave away the rest. You could try suggesting that all of you have way too many clothes and that you would like to start saving for the baby or something like that so she will stop with the clothes. Even that might do no good, so just "enjoy" your gifts. I no longer am in the family with my MIL but I miss her and even miss the junky gifts.
I don't think you can really tell her without hurting her feelings. gifts are like extras - none of us deserve or are entitled to them, so if we happen to like them that is a bonus. The only polite thing that I can think of that might divert her is to set up an education account for your little one and to let her know about it. But generally, it is a good skill to learn to be able to say something is lovely when it is really pretty hideous and it is a great skill to teach your child.
Andrea,
This is a case where YOU shouldn't do anything but continue to smile and say thank you. If your husband really thinks this should stop, HE needs to talk to his mother and find away to tell her nicely that while you guys appreciate her thoughtfulness, you don't really need the gifts because her coming to visit from so far away is a gift by itself.
Oh Andrea---you can never tell her ever! This is your mother-in-law we're talking about and she will take it as a personal insult, trust me. Besides whats the harm, they are just ugly clothes and you said she lives overseas. As suggested by other posters, smile graciously and then donate them when she leaves. Make sure to put your son in a few of the outfits and take some snapshots for her. Better yet, have the whole family dress up in her gifts and take a family photo in front of the tree. Send it only to her and then burn the evidence. You can then happily donate the clothes knowing they have been worn at least once. Remember one person's trash is another person's treasure!
Be grateful that you have a kind, thoughtful, generous mother in law!!!!!!
I have a similar situation where my in laws just buy a ridiculous amount of presents. Personally, I don't want christmas to be so materialistic but I"ve come to realize that this is they're way of celebrating and I shouldn't poo poo it. So, if you have extra stuff you don't want. Donate it to a needy family or an organization like the salvation army. There are plenty of people out there who need help. At the very least, you can start to get excited and think of all the people who will get some gifts because of your mother-in-law's good will!! You don't need to let your mother in law know. Just thank her as she probably had a blast buying you gifts and misses you guys!
Don't hurt her feelings...put on a smile and say thank you.
Hi Andrea!
If I were you I would count my blessings and not say a word! Even if you approach it nicely hearing someone doesn't like your gift(s) will end with hurt feelings!
You could give the adult clothes to daycare,schools, church, etc to play dress-up or pass them on to shelters or goodwill services where someone else will use them.
Best Wishes!
You certainly can't tell her she's wsting her $. I tried with my mom and she said it's her $ to waste and she love shopping at the flee market! I get dirty, spotted and stained clothes. Of course she bought for my kids also. When my daughter was 13, my mom bought her Holly Hobby earmuffs. My daughter cried. I never made her wear them of course. I told my mom that they were for 6 year olds. Mom said "they're so cute". I came right out and told her that she made her granddaughter cry. Mom said that's because I raised her to be ungrateful. I've learned that different people have different tastes and let it go there. They always think they're right; they're moms.
You and your husband must talk to her together so she will understand that this is not a one decision opiniion but you are both on one accord. Do not over think the decision just do it she will probaly take this lighter than you think. Good Luck and Blessings!
My MIL also buys things- toys, clothes, etc, that would be great but are not always the right size or to my taste. She also buys age inappropriate toys that aren't safe for my kids. I just thank her and compliment the items, then donate them. She has the best intentions and we don't see her enough for her to know. Right now she feels good about what she's doing and it would hurt her feelings so we just accept it. I do wish she wasn't wasting the money but that's her choice. I think you have to weigh the benefits of saying something to her with how she will feel.
OK...I had to giggle at this one cause we have been through it too. My MIL, while trying to be very generous, in the past, has given us ridiculous, gaudy gifts. We accept them w/ a smile and a gracious thank you and have a good laugh later (she gave my husband, who is a big guy, a medium size Tigger sweatshirt that said "best son"!!!) That was a riot! She means well and one thing we have tried that seems to have worked is offer ideas before the holidays. Instead of saying something that may be hurtful, say, O by the way, my daughter is wearing a size 8 and really likes Old Navy this year, or something like that! (or "if you are looking for ideas, here are some things that so and so needs") MIL/Grandma does great now! The kids get really cute things they love and she usually gets us gift cards or nice sweatshirts now. Again, you know she means well...so I agree w/ other posters who say count your blessings and continue to donate if she doesn't change, but try offering suggestions in a subtle way, not saying instead of or anything...good luck and hey...those hideous shirts could come in handy for Halloween costumes too!
Count your blessings and donate. On way too many occasions MIL's do not like their son's choice for a mate and this kind of relationship tend to cause unnecessary strain to the relationship and for all the family members involved including the children. Children are always included to the extent that the MIL either does not want to see her grandchildren or worse the offended daughter-in-law or her own son may not want her to be involved in the lives of your children. You are way fortunate not to be in such a situation. Donate, donate, donate.
Andrea,
Sometimes you just have to take the gifts and say thank you. If she wanted to buy you what you wanted, she would ask. Believe me, I know from experience. MY mother-in-law loves to buy clothes for us. She never askes me what kind of toys my children are into. She just loves to buy clothes I guess. She buys them on clearance and so I never get a receipt to take them back. Basically, I say thank you, I love it, it is so cute etc. to make her feel good. Then I usually put it in the bag for goodwill. I may hold on to it for a while and them give it away. I do sometimes dress my kids in the clothes she buys them when they open them. So she gets the satisfaction of seeing them and then I never put it on them again. Sometimes you just have to laugh about it. I did tell her(she did not ask though) that my kids have their own little xmas trees in their room, so if she wants to pick out a special ornament for them it would be great. They will be able to put it on their tree every year and collect them over the years as keepsakes. GOOD LUCK! and remember...just laugh!!!