I am considering leaving my husband. He is verbally abusive to our little girl and me. When I sit him down and talk to him about how I feel it always ends up with us arguing and then he starts to cry saying he will change. this has been going on for 5 years and he tries to change but it only last for about a month if that long. I am unemployed because I take care of our little girl. He is in the active duty Army. They have sent him to anger management classes and he is talking to someone now but it doesn't seem to help. He has never been deployed so it has nothing to do with the war. I just don't know what to do. When I tell him I am leaving he cries. When I decide to give it another shot he walks around with this smile on his face like he won again. Maybe it's just me but I don't know what to do. He is always yelling at our little girl about anything. she is scared of him. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Barb
I AM SORRY TO SAY BUT IF HE IS ABUSIVE WHETHER IT IS VERBALLY OR PHYSICAL HE PROBABLY WONT CHANGE. I GREW UP IN THE MILITATRY IN FACT MY DAD WAS STATIONED AT FORT RILEY AS WELL. MY DAD STILL HAS ANGER ISSUES AT TIMES. FROM MY EXPERIENCES HE MAY NEVER STOP ALL I CAN SUGGEST IS TO TALK TO A LAWYER AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU ARE WANTING TO LEAVE HIM.
Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. When a child is involved and witnesses the abuse or is a part of the abuse that makes it even harder. I was in a few abusive relationships. Some of them I choose to be in without realizing how abusive the person was; the others I had no choice in and have tried to protect my children from this type of abuse. please keep me posted. [email protected] is my e-mail address.
I know you love him, but once an abuser, always an abuser. Verbal abuse almost always turns into physical. Leave him now before it gets worse, if not for yourself, for your daughter. No one deserves to be treated like that, and no one should tolerate it. Please keep me posted [email protected]. I am very concerned about you and your daughter.
In all honesty I think its time to leave him. If he hasnt changed at all and its been that long, I dont think he's going to. Most important, your daughter is scared of him. She should never be put in that position, good intentions or not. You need to do whats best for you and your daughter. Keep me posted [email protected]
I was in the same type of situation with my now 4 year old, I decided that I was not going to let her grow up thinking that men were supposed to treat mommies that way. I knew that if I didn't break the cycle she would end up in the same type of relationship and I would not be able to live with my self knowing that I could change and leave him because he wasn't going to change. Look at it this way. Would you want your daughters' boyfriend to treat her that way? Would you want her to let him treat her that way?
I said no. I was worth more than the 5 letter words I was being called. And I got out. Believe me I had to struggle, with a barely 12 month old. My car almost being repossessed… then getting fired from my job, BUT I WASN'T IN THAT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE!!! I hope this helps… We are out there!!!
Barbara, I think you know the answer to your question.. I can say that if it was just me and me alone I wouldn't take that kind of abuse, but now there is a child involved. Loose the Man and find someone that will treat you and your child with love and respect. A man that say's "I'll change" will never change, they might be good for a bit, but one bad/good day will set him off again and again. I'm woundering was he in an abusive childhood himself??? If he was than that would explain this, if not he needs help.. I think if you don't want to leave this man then you both need to have a seperation and let him and you and your child get some counciling that I'm sure you all need in your family. Then see where it goes from there.
Good Luck!!
Kathie
Barb im Linda i have been married for 7 yrs and been with him for 10 yrs. i was in a simaliar situation and i found out what worked for me was one day i got so tired of the yelling and him putting me down that i just up and left him. He always told me that if i ever left or something happend to me that he would lowe me and miss me but life would go on. He cant say that anymore it was the worst week of his life and he figured out that putting me down was not the way to do things and now he has gotten better he has even stopped blaming my 10 yr old son for eveything and even treats him like his own son. i wish u all the best of luck and i hope eveything works out for u and ur daughter.
You know the answer here, so I'll not beat you down further. Be strong and be an advocate for your children. The following are 7 warning signs of a dangerous relationship. These were given to me by my therapist to use as a relationship compass.
- Whirlwind Beginning
- Possessiveness
- The switch - Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde
- Blame
- Verbal Abuse
- Insensitivity
- Past &/or Present violence If you have one or two in your relationship, it's a definite sign of an issue. More than that.....it's just time to take a stand and protect yourself and your child.
Barbara, it sounds like the patter of him crying and then you feel sorry for him and give him another chance is working for him. My question to you is, Is that working for you? He is like a kid. He found something that he can do that turns you into a softy. You have to keep your daughter in mind and not subject her to that kind of abuse any more. She will grown up with bad self esteem issues and I know you don't want that for her. You will too, if you haven't already, have self esteem issues and you are worth more than that. It's hard to move on but it may be best for all concerned.
Good luck to you.
Rhonda P.
Well I don't know if you and your husband are in church but I know pray can change a lot of people and the bible says that when 2 or more are gathere togther he is their also so I will be praying for you and believing that you are praying to . the problem with the world today is when thing get bad just leave but the bible says it is wrong to get a divorce so I think first pray God protection over you and your daughtee and for your husband to change and if he doesn't then I would think about leaving but try this first I am a child of a broken home anfd my mom will tell you if she could do it over again she would have stayed with my dad.If you need to talk email me at [email protected] if I have offend you I am sorry. I understand my kids are important to me to and would not want that for them either but I would try prayer first. Laura
I am one of the last that would advise anyone to become a single mother or seperate their child from their father/mother for (it seems to me people divorce for very silly reasons these days). But abuse is nothing to mess around with. Put up with it for yourself if you must, but its not fair to leave a child in a home where she's constantly afraid.
He has "won" if you don't take control back of yourself and do what is best for you and your daughter. You have admitted he is abusive so it is time to end the cycle. You know his pattern because it has been going on for some time. If therapy is not working and you talking to him is not working, it is time to remove yourself and your daughter from this environment. TELL OTHERS close to you what is going on! Do not keep it to yourself because he is counting on that!!! If you are afraid of his reaction, remove your daughter first (she shouldn't witness that anyway)to somewhere safe and then call the authorities and have them go with you to get your things. He is a ticking timebomb and he may be dangerous when he finds out you are not willing to deal with the control game he is playing any longer. Act soon because you are both in danger. I am worried about you too. Let us know what is happening and good luck.
I have been in a few abusive relationships in my life both physical and verbal. Before my husband and I got married we had some problems, his mom always did everything and took care of the kids and dad just dealt with disciplining, so that is how he thought it was supposed to be. Anyways he did not want to help take care of the kids or the housework. I felt like I was a single parent again. We talked about this and he did the same thing but never helped. I know that this is completly different then what you are going through, but one day I left and when I came back home he started helping out with the kids, housework, and even cooked dinner. That has been about 2 years ago and he is still helping. Sometimes it just takes them realizing you aren't going to put up with the way they are, and losing the woman they love and their children can be just what they need to straighten up.
Barb,
Hello and Good Morning.I am very sorry to hear about your problem. I to had a verbally abusive husband. This sounds crazy, but I would rather have physical abuse anyday, over the verbal abuse. At least with the physical abuse, I could at least fight back. The verbal abuse, just tears away at your very soul, until there is not much left of you.
You might not like my advise, but, I have never been happier in my life, since I kicked my verbally abusive husband to the curb. Not to mention how much happier my Daughter was.
The old saying about kids have to have a Mom & a Dad, well, in my opinion that is only if the Mom or Dad deserves it.
You said that your Daughter is scared of your husband. You really need to put yourself in her place. Just amagin how you would feel if you were her age, and constantly afraid. ( NOT a good thing) It is our job as parents to keep our children safe and happy. And sometimes it takes a drastic move on our part, as their parents, to keep them safe and happy.
The things that our children grow up see us do, and how we live our lives, that is what they think that life is supose to be like. So, in your Daughter's case, she will think that is how life is supose to be, and when she grows up and starts looking for a husband for herself, this is the kind of man she will be looking for. ( NOT GOOD!!)
You and I both know, that is not what life is supose to be like. You ain't a dog and you should not be treated that way. I do not beleive that God ment for anyone to be treated this way. If you read your Bible, there is a place in there that tells the role of a wife and the role of a husband. I have read this many times, and I have yet to read that a wife is supose to be treated like a dog. I beleive that it says a Wife is to be treated with Love and Respect.
After I devorced the husband that treated me that way, I found a very good man. And I am here to tell you that there is a world of difference in life, now, for me and my Daughter. ( We are Happy)
You said in your message that your husband goes around with his little smile, like he has won again. Well,I'm very sorry to tell you this, but, that is exactly what that little smile is... He has won again!!!
Don't you think that it is time for you and your Daught to have a little Happiness?
If you would like to talk more, I would be happy to talk to you. I have already been through this, and there is 2 ways that it will be for you, either keep going like it is, or make the necessary changes for your self and mostly for your Daughter, But, you have to be the one to make that desion.
I will be Praying for you and your daughter. Here is my email address [email protected]
It doesn't sound like he is willing to change for either of you, because he knows how to get his way. Think of your little girl. She is going to watch this as she grows up and think it is how women are supposed to be treated. She will get into relationships with guys who treat her and her kids the same way. I'm speaking from experience, and I have NEVER met a child with one abusive parent (or both) that has had normal, healthy relationships in their adulthood. I completely understand where you are coming from, but we all want our kids to be better people than we are when they grow up. You just have to take the right steps to make sure she can be that. Please keep us updated, and be strong for your daughter and yourself.
Barbara,
You've got to get out of this marriage for yourself and your daughter. Please think of the effect this is having on your daughter and what it will mean when she starts to pick boy and men to date. Abused children sometimes marry abusive men. They don't know how to break the cycle. Also, you husband is manipulating you like crazy. Those tears are there because he gets his way. The words of change are to get you to stay. If he hasn't change yet, he's not going to.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship so I know where you are coming from. It was so hard leaving when he was "sorry" and crying and willing to change. It hurts! I'm not going to lie to you. But I kept thinking of my daughter and that I had to set a good example for her. She has absolutely blossomed in the past 6 months! That is my reward for leaving. Seeing how better off she is.
I hope this helps. Email me anytime.
Raina K
This is not safe for you. I don't know what I would do either though. One thing to consider is there may be something chemical going on with your husband. Has he ever been evaluated to depression or anxiety, sleep disorders or anything like that, bi-polar? A few months ago my husband and I were going through some very difficult things, started counselling and he was prescribed antidepressants. At first it seemed like he needed them and they were helping, but then as our circumstances (that probably caused the depression) cleared away and he was still on the medication, he was horrible!! Really scary. Constantly yelling, he didn't want to come home, was out drinking every night. I threatened to leave so many times. But when we finally figured out that it was the antidepressants messing with his body's chemicals and stopped them things got so much better. So, although your situation isn't the same, you might talk to him about considering seeing a counsellor who could evaluate him for any kind of chemical imbalances. If he truly does want to change and truly does want your family to be well, then he may be willing. In the mean time though, you may need to leave and try to stay with some friends or family. Do you fear for your safety at all? Would he retaliate in any way if you were to leave? Can you find a place that would be safe for you and your daughter? It could just be a temporary thing for him to let him know that you cannot tolerate this any more, and push him to really seek help. You must protect your daughter!
there are alot of programs available to moms and kids in abusive relationships if you decide to leave. you can find job training and a place to stay. i was in an abusive relationship with my first son, and after i left i found someone that makes me happier than i thought i'd ever be. it really annoyed me the only way i'd get the abuser to behave was to threaten leaving. its really no way to live, especially with a kid.
I was brought up in a verbally abusive home. I often wonder what I'd be like today if I hadn't had every bit of self-confidence and personality beaten out of me. I was told constantly how little I was worth, and that I was fat, stupid, and lazy. It also progressed to physical abuse as I got older. I suffered depression, bulimia, and a (luckily) failed suicide attempt, all because I didn't think I was worth anything. This is what your daughter faces. GET OUT NOW. My mom stayed because she didn't know what else to do, and that is the only thing we have ever fought about. She finally did kick him out, but not until I was in college.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Run for your lives from this manipulative abuser. I wish you the best of luck! {{{{HUGS}}}}
Jen