I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of four years. We have an 18 month old son to whom he has been a wonderful father. I am unhappy in our relationship. There has been no cheating, abuse or anything of the sort. We have uncommon goals (i.e., I want marriage and another child) I just need to know what my legal responsibilities are regarding custody of our son should we split up. When our son was born, my bf signed an affidavit claiming paternity. I really would like to keep everything out of the courts and work out a custody agreement between the two of us. I just don't know how to go about everything should he tell me that he won't "allow" me to leave with our son. I have no intention of keeping my son from his father. Any information would be great. Thanks
My fiance and I made an agreement when our son was born. We both came from single parent families - I was without a father at all, and he was put in the middle of a messy divorce. We both did not want anything like either for our son. We agreed when our son was born that we wanted what was best for him, we talked about how things would be handled if something would happen to our relationship.
We were only going out for 6 months before I got pregnant, we loved each other and knew we wanted to be together - but we both knew that things happen sometimes, and we had to be prepared, so we discussed every outcome. We did not get married because of the baby - a lot of marriages break up after the stress of a baby, we just got engaged on out 3rd yr anniversary.
I would suggest talking with your boyfriend about this. Be completely honest, things happen sometimes. Do not stay together because of the baby. You want your son to grow up with a good example of a happy relationship. Unfortunately you might not be able to keep things out of court. You two have to come to an understanding about things, and be on the same page for it to work without the courts being involved.
Even tough my fiance and I have discussed the situation, I can not even say that if something was to happen that the courts would not be involved. I defiantly do not want it to come to that, but I can not predict the future and anything can happen. Just make sure you talk with your boyfriend openly and honestly about everything, and I mean everything - child support, grandparents, future relationships, relocating, living arrangements, school, custody, etc. This is the only way to try and keep everything out of the courts.
I'm sorry to hear that you are not happy in your relationship and am not sure what would happen custody wise if you had to go to court. But I would suggest you get some help for your feeling. And must say that it's not just about you and your happiness anymore and that now there are two kids involved and it should be about them and not you. ESP. since you said there was not any cheating, abuse, or anything else. The thing I must say is that you should not punish the children for your not planning ahead before they came along. I'm sorry that I have not posted what you probably didn't want to hear but as I said it about the children now. That's why we should not live with or have children with anyone out of wedlock, or at the very least of not planning together what we expect from one another (in writing). Caitlin I do hope things will work out for you and your family. Sorry Caitlin
Caitlin,
Not to be preachy but, why would any man want to get married when he already lives with you, has children, and is basically living like a married man without the committment he would be bound to legally if you obtained a marriage license and got married. Honestly I don't know what would happen with custody if you didn't use the courts. I would think that a verbal contract between the two of you woul be null and void should he decide later to seek custody or stop paying child support. I honestly think you would wind up supporting your child by yourself if the courts don't intervene. With that said, are you angry that he won't commit and get married. If he was willing to do that would you stay? I have never understood why woman get themselves into these kinds of situations. My sister has done the same thing except 3 kids later and now she can't leave her boyfriend because she depends on him financially. All I can say is if you are ready to leave and end your relationship then go. I will say one thing, at least he has enough sense to say "no" to a second child. Sorry for the rant and I hope you make the best decision for your child.
I know you dont want to get the court involved but its the smart thing to do, you may know him very well but no telling what he will try to pull if you leave him. Be smart and safe get a lawyer
As a marriage and family therapist, I agree with the previous advice of getting some professional help in making this decision. You do not say how old either of you are but that can make a difference in whether he doesn't ever want to get married or just not now. You do have a child to consider so it is no longer just about you and what you want. You need to get clarity about who you are and what was behind your decisions that led to the current situation. I agree that no couple should get married just because they have a child together. Marriage is much too serious a commitment to be based on that reason alone. However, children do much better in an intact, two-parent household. If there is any way to make the relationship work, you should seriously consider it. I don't know what you mean by him "allowing" you to leave. That statement raises red flags especially in light of your stating there is no abuse or any other real problem. I wish you luck with your decision but please get some objective help in making it.
You are "allowed" to leave and you tell him that we can either agree on this out of court or we can go to court. Basically if you go to court he is either going to get every other weekend or every other Weds and then every other weekend. That is the most common but you two will agree what is best for your and his schedule. The problem is, are you willing and able to let this baby spend every other weekend with him? That would be hard for me. You will also need to set up child support with him. You really do need to consider doing this through court but if you want to try it without, you can but just let him know that if he misses a month or messes up, you will take him to court. You completely should not be with a man just b/c you have a child together. The best advice I heard on this is: A child would rather be 'from' a broken family than live 'in' one. Truly, children know when their parents are not happy. You don't want to stay around when you are not happy. Good for you for figuring it out before you get married.
I'm not trying to step on toes but first be very sure you want to end it. The first two years of your baby's life are often the hardest in your relationship. Maybe get away for a few days or a night. spend some time talking, and being romantic and then see if you still want to end it. Don't just stay because of your son, but consider it because of him. From personal experience, I know that you have to do a lot of thinking and communicating with your partner to know for sure that you won't regret it if you split. If you still want to end it write an agreement with your boyfriend and have you both sign it in terms of custody and abide by it. If he breaks it, then you have a document to show a lawyer if you go to court.