Irked.

Other Topics All Other Topics
1

The husband and I took the baby out on the boat today... YAY!... but the second we parked on an island, he was off fishing. Whatever, no big deal, would have enjoyed a break but nothing I couldn't handle. So we get back to the boat club and he says 'Why don't you go grab lunch?'... I thought YES! I'M STARVING, and go to leave... he was like 'Oh, can you bring the baby? I want to fish off the shore'... Um... okay... get back with lunch, and our BFFs arrived with their cool new toys: jet kayaks. REALLY COOL!!... Except now it's babys naptime. So he goes off in one of the jet kayaks, and I'm struggling on shore with a squirmy, overtired, sunscreen slippery baby. Now I'm a little irked because he knows it's naptime (we live 2 miles up the road). So he comes back to shore, and I tell him to stay and play, I'll take the little bambino home for his nap... instead of 'hey, thanks sweetie', I get 'Hey, so I'm taking Billy fishing all day tmrw'...

NOW I'm hurt? mad? I don't even know. He knows by now that I need a break too, and naptime doesn't count. My 7 year old asked me yesterday 'Mommy? Why are you SO white?'... I laughed and said 'Because I never get out of the house'... BUT IT'S TRUE! He's always the one who gets to go play outside with no kids. I haven't even talked to him about this yet 1, because I know I'll be wasting my breath and he'll never see my side of it, and 2, because he's not back. How can I bring this up to him without him getting into a crappy mood? I'm just feeling sorry for myself; it's so unfair. I don't mind letting him go do his thing, but isn't it only right that I get my time (sans kids, outside) too?

He's not being mean about it or anything, he just doesn't get it...

2

"Honey, can you take the kids _______day, I really need a break."

3

Maybe you should tell him the same way he tells you. Say, "Hey. I'm taking (name friend) out Saturday. You will need to watch the kids. Thanks!" and walk away.
You shouldn't have to ask permission or for him to babysit anymore than he has to ask you. Maybe if you give it to him in guy-speak he will understand. No big discussion, just a matter of fact, "I have plans, babe." and that's it. Then when you get home and he says something about how he didn't get to do much that day with the kids to take care of, you can say, "Man, do ever know what you mean. This would be easier on both of us if we tag team the parenting a little during our times out."
Good luck. It's hard to get this stuff into a man's brain. I don't think they even realize what they are asking sometimes, but it does get so frustrating!

4

Plan your own and tell him.. "huney, Me and so-and-so are gunna go out for some fun so the kids will be yours..." Smile and say it real sweet. Works for my hubby.

5

Don't say anything to him. Simply plan a day trip for yourself, ask what his plans are for that day so you have coverage and leave the baby with him, telling him you need a break, you will be right back and you are confident he will be able to handle things. Make sure everything is where he needs it so the baby can be fed, changed, etc and you won't have to worry about that too (even though they WILL survive without you).

6

It sounds like babies are a bit new for him? Maybe? My husband had a learning curve when it came to kids. Now he's pretty good about it, but at first, I felt like pulling out my hair. It didnt' seem to matter how many nights I got no sleep, even on nights when he didn't have to work the next day (and he knew I was beyond exhausted), he'd just snooze right through it all. He wouldn't offer to help. Wouldn't think beyond what he was used to. I was the mom, so I got the baby...in his opinion.

Anyway, he's learned over time. It took until baby three was here before he seemed to really get it. With baby #4, he does awesome with the kids and giving me breaks when I need it (and I"m not needy or anything, just need it sometimes!).

I've had lots and lots of talks with him about it in the past. He tells me that he's more than happy to help, I just need to ask. Sometimes I expect him to offer to help (since it's SO FREAKIN' OBVIOUS I NEED HELP!) and I feel like he's purposefully not offering, which makes me feel insulted. But I've taken him up on it, and if I need help, no matter how obvious it is, I will ask him now. Most of the time he'll do it with no hesitation. And, as I mentioned, with more and more kids, he's learned A TON about stepping up and helping. He does awesome now.

It works for me to flip it around on my hubby. I'll ask him, "How would you like to always have a baby to take care of with no help from me? Instead of me trading off with you, how would you feel if I spent the weekend shopping and with friends, leaving you with the kids?" I know some guys still don't care, but it amazes me how sometimes that's all I need to do and my hubby will finally get it. He just needs it flipped around so that he can put himself in my shoes more. He's become a lot more compassionate about it.

Truth is, with your hubby, I would start saying no. I would let him know ahead of time that you are planning whatever you're planning. Make sure he gets his free time too, but plan that he helps take care of the baby too so you can get some time to yourself OR for you guys to spend time together as a family instead of him off doing his own thing.

I'm not good at keeping my thoughts to myself, so if I were irked, I'd let him know and tell him exactly why. Doesn't mean I'd be rude - just clear about it. He's thinking only of himself and not of you - NOT OKAY.

7

He doesn't get it because men can't read our minds. You need to tell him. If he tells you to go grab lunch, then asks you to bring the baby, say no. Tell him to stay with the baby since he just went fishing. Are you sure he knows you need a break? Have you told him? Men need to be directly told everything! Make plans to do something for yourself and let him know he's on kid duty.

8

Guys have a tendancy to do this since they didn't go through child birth is my assumption. This is something I've done and it definitely got the message across that I NEEDED A BREAK!!! One night, pick one, any one, as soon as he walks in the door, hand him the baby and grab your bag and say, "I need a break" and leave. Don't give any room for talk, just leave and drive away. Go get your nails done, go get a coffee at a local book store and just browse, go buy yourself a new shirt, anything, just something to finally feel a little relaxed and pretty.

Guys just sometimes don't get it and you have to be drastic to get the point across. I think because we are mom and the baby is so needy of us, especially if we are nursing that they think we always have things under control so they don't need to step in and help. Just leave, you deserve a break:)

9

just like with kids, don't make it a "yes/no" question! Simply don't give him the opportunity to walk out of his share of the responsibilities.

You mentioned you didn't want to get him into a crappy mood? Excuse me? Why are you catering to his whims? Why aren't you making danged sure life & its joys/pleasures are equal for the two of you?

What would happen if you made a chart of each weekend?....listing side-by-side....what he did vs. what you did. Quantify each activity by whether or not it's pleasure or responsibility as a parent/married couple. How would he take it? Would it open his eyes?

If you used this visual tool as part of a conflict resolution btwn the two of you, would it help? Do you truly believe that there is room for change, room for improvement.....or are you just complaining because you feel put upon? These are the ?s you need to ask yourself before you proceed. & please be very aware that this change will bring about a definitive change in your relationship.....you are wanting to change the rules of engagement & he may not understand at all what you are wanting! He may feel that you want to be away from him & want to be with "others". This will be tricky, but I truly believe you will eventually both benefit from adjusting the dynamics within your marriage. Peace.....

10

OOOH Rachel - get in your car and come up here!!! Let Roman sleep in the car on the way up!!! Bring the girls and bathing suits!!!

My house is a mess - but that's okay!!! You'll get a "rest" here!!!

If you can't do that - when Rob gets home - take the keys and go...tell him he's in charge now and GO.....not sure when I'll be home - but you've got it covered!! I love you!!!

No, it's not sophmoric - some might say it is - but he needs to understand that HIS behavior and choices AFFECT others....YOU NEED A BREAK!!! Show him you need a break and just go....come on girl - I've got room for you here!

Oh wait - I'm such a dork!! the idea was for you to have a break!! Leave the kids with Rob and get in the car and come!! (I'd take the family too but I just realized this was about you needing a break!!)

11

You're right, he DOESN'T get it. And he's not GOING to get it til you point it out to him (repeatedly probably).

Plan something for yourself Rach. Tell him as soon as the plan are made. Tell him again and again (kindly, matter of factly) you are doing X, with X, on X day and he will need to take care of the kids.

If he protests, remind him how nice and relaxing it is for him to go fishing two days with his buddies, and that you need the same kind of relaxation.

And, uh, yeah, Good Luck with THAT!

:)

12

I recently told my sweet man that I was falling apart and needed every Wednesday night off. He said "sounds like a plan!". So now he comes home on Wednesday and takes over and I leave, I don't call, I don't say where I am going, I just take my cell and do whatever I want. It's so fab. I say have a mini breakdown and don't hide tears etc. Don't attack him or anything, just figure out what you want and ask for it directly. I did and I am not sorry. Hang in there!!!

13

The problem is that you're hoping he's going to just know that you need a break, that you're irked, that you want him to offer to let you be the one to have fun. But you keep your mouth shut and never say a single word. You let him inform you that he's off and away without saying anything like, "Actually, it's my turn this time. I need a break from the kids and you need to spend some time with them. I'll see you later. I'm going to grab my purse and I'll see you in a few hours."

14

get a babysitter and go have fun. I always took my kids out boating and camping and never really had a problem, so I"m not sure what you are worried about really. Kids can adapt to anything you are doing. If it was a nap time, toss him in the tent and let him sleep while you soak up some sun. You gotta get creative and not let baby ruin your normal activities.

15

.

16

You're right on all counts but many men do not consider these things on their own. I don't know if their mommies raised them as the center of the universe or what, but you have to TELL him, CALMLY (so as not to bum out the man child and put him on the defensive and then on the attack) exactly what your future expectations are. Before you have the talk, figure out what those expectations are in an easy to comprehend list so you can be clear and concise. You will be able to then remind him as you go, but really, he may never just "get it". Men think mom is ALWAYS fine with the baby. ALWAYS. Don't take it personally. It's him not you. Jessica is right, you'll probably be surprised how fine he is when you take the direct approach to leaving like he does.

17

JessicaWessica said it much nicer than I would (I wanted to tell you you sound like a door mat but I hate to criticize you when you ask for help) If you truly believe he will never pitch in and take the kids and give you a break for the good of the whole family than you made a huge mistake getting married. Maybe you dont ask becaue you are afraid thats what you'll find out. but you saw something in him that made you marry him. Give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he is a real man not a little boy and CAN handle stepping up. Use the suggestions here, talk to him nicely, tell him exactly what you need and when dont make him guess. I hope he's not a jerk I hope he's a great man and you dont know how to communicate? read the Mars and Venus book about communication so you can learn how to communicate better. I've learned a lot, been married for 15 yrs with two children from my first husband and one from my second, you have to work to make it better. He doesnt even know it isnt perfect!

18

You're not feeling sorry for yourself, you just got married 1 week ago and you just had similar issues 2 weeks ago. He needs to get his head out of his ass (sorry to be so blunt) and start paying more attention to your needs. His are always getting met and yours, not so much. I would nix the fishing tomorrow, he had his day today. You choose what goes on tomorrow. Either spend it with your family, or go have some fun on your own. Either way, SPEAK UP! If he still blows you off, then you've got bigger problems. I would suggest the two of you sit down and go over what each of your expectations are from this marriage/relationship. What are his needs, what are yours, how can you two work together to make sure they are being met?

19

"How can I bring this up to him without him getting into a crappy mood? I'm just feeling sorry for myself; it's so unfair."

???

Tell him calmly how you feel and what you need.

If he then feels "crappy" -- SO BE IT! I mean, really? You're not "making" him feel any certain way.

Men don't get "telepathic wishes" they need clear instructions.

20

Let him know what you'd like to do. Have him watch the baby while you and your friends go on the kayak or whatever you'd like. Plan it. They need it spelled out for them. They are no good at trying to figure it out. He probably hasn't a clue. We make a lot of sacrifices for our family which is the best thing for our families. If we didn't, our families would suffer and be quite disfunctional. At the same time, we need to take care of us and make sure we're getting out and having fun and relaxation too. Give him an idea of what you'd like to do and then plan it. He'll get the point and start having ideas too. Good luck!