My 6 Y.O. son's music teacher, the other day at class, tells him she is so proud of him and how good he's getting. While saying so, she wells up with tears and just reaches out to hug him (I think) and gives him a little kiss just behind his ear. At first I thought it was very sweet coming from a very caring older woman (70's). We women are trained that way, the grandmother ideal. But thinking about the context of it, she is his teacher in a professional setting. Does anyone's red flags go up just a little? I am in the room at every lesson, at least for now, but I'm a skeptical person, especially as a parent and don't trust anyone inherently with my kids. Thoughts?
It sounds harmless and sweet, but you are his mother and protector, so continue to be in the room and be observant. Also, read your sons body language. The lady was probably just overwhelmed with how well he is doing and her love of music.
I would also say that is was innocent. The teacher has obvioulsy taken a liking to your son. I am sure teachers can get attached to those few students that really excel and/or work hard. I would just make sure that it didn't bother your son any. If he didn't seem bothered by it, then you are probably fine.
Hi L S,
I would say it is nothing to worry about. I work around kids and often kiss their heads when I am holding them (babies). I don't even realize I've done it until afterwards...LOL
Your son is probably like a grandson to her and she acted like any Grandmother would have.
Leslie
I would agree and say not to worry about it but do watch his behavior. My daughter is 9 and she goes to daycare. Her daycare teachers hug her and kiss her sometimes. I think it is innocent. There was a situation where one of the teachers who no longer works there invited my daughter to her house and I thought that was inappropriate because she has no kids. Also last year when it was her birthday in school the teacher gave hugs, handshakes or spankings for the birthday. I wrote a letter stating that she was not to spank my daughter even if it was birthday spankings. Good Luck
I think it was most likely innocent and the fact that you are there for the lessons means that nothing inappropriate will happen. I know when my son has friends over (he's 5) and I am watching one of them for several hours, there are times that they climb onto my lap or hug me and I hug them back and sometimes give a little peck on the head...as a mom it seems to come automatically especially for the kids I find to be really sweet! I'm honored to be considered some to be their "surrogate mom" while they're in my care! :)
It does sound harmless and sweet - old ladies are that way, she probly has nothing in her life besides her students {kids} I also work in day care, and I hug and kiss my kids all the time. No red flags go up for me. Besides, your son is old enough to tell you if something inappropriate did happen.
Being that this is a woman in her 70s, I'm thinking it is nothing to worry about. Just a grandmotherly gesture. I know that women of that age group grew up in a less paranoid time than we have and that this type of gesture was quite normal to them, overall.
If you had said, she is left alone with him at each lesson or that he reacts strangely to going to his lessons or after having his lessons (and they were alone with her), then I would worry.
I realize this is a professional setting and maybe this was more than you are comfortable with but i don't think I would worry. However, if it bothers you, then talk to her about it. You could say something like. "While I appreciate how much you care for my son, with all of the horrible things that can happen to kids and all of the changes in school policies, I have to ask you not to hug or kiss him. Please feel free to pat him on the back or give him a handshake. However, with the public schools new hands off policies, I need him to understand that you don't hug or kiss teachers or other children at school. I, also, want him to understand that hugs and kisses are reserved for close friends and family only. I don't want him to meet a stranger in the park and think he or she is a friend so it is okay for them to touch me. I know that sounds extreme but I'm trying to head off any confusion he may have about appropriate and inappropriate touching before it becomes an issue."
Wow, I think that may be been a bit wordy but I think you probably get what I'm saying. Just tell her how much you appreciate that she cares for him and ask her to stop the behaviors that make you uncomfortable and maybe the reason it makes you uncomfortable.
Anyhow, I hope that my very wordy response is helpful. Good luck.
I agree with everyone else that it sounds harmless. Honestly, when I read your question, I thought it sounded so nice that the teacher was caring and loving. I didn't get a creepy vibe at all. But our instinct is there for a reason, so stay watchful.
I agree that it's probably nothing, especially if this is a one on one lesson outside of a school setting. As long as you are there, I would not worry too much about it. I would definitely keep my eyes open though. I am a personal trainer and sometimes when a client reaches a goal I am very proud of them and I get so excited for them because I know how hard they worked to reach their goal. Because I am not a touchy feely kinda person I don't hug them or give them a kiss but I can see where someone else might. I think she is probably just showing her happiness for him. Has she been teaching him for awhile? Did he struggle with things in the beginning? Does she have grandkids his age? She is most likely harmless.
I agree with everyone else - this is probably harmless. She your piano teacher was raised in a different age and if she had children of her own raised them in a very different age. This would not have caused much concern a generation ago.
BUT we're not there and no one else is. You have to trust your own intuition. If she really is creeping you out, go with your instinct. If you follow your gut and your are wrong, you will lose much less than if you ignore it and are right. Most people who have been victimized by others will tell you that they ignored a little voice inside of themselves telling them they were in danger.
I am skeptical, too, there are lots of weirdos in this world. But considering her age, that generation, I don't think it was inappropriate. It sounds like this is a private lesson? That makes a difference in my opinion, too. It's a more intimate setting for the 3 of you and she may feel more freedom to express her pride. The boundaries are slightly different from, say, a public first grade class of 20 students where professionalism would be paramount. It's hard to judge when you are not there, and I am all for following up on the red flags, but I think you should be careful not to overreact. Go with your first instinct and chalk your doubts up to cynicism at this point. Just continue to monitor and stay in the lesson so you can be certain. How did your son react?
I can understand how you may be suspicious. I think I would be too but if it was anything serious I don't think she would do it so openly in front of you. I think it would be more hidden.
I commend you for your overprotectedness. My veiw point from what you have said is that she is just a sweet old lady. Maybe your son reminds her of her child or grandchild. I know in todays day and age you can't be too carefull when it comes to child predators, but I have also seen VERY innocent people burned at the cross for just being a loving person. I used to drive school bus for mentally challenged children, though I had no children of my own, I fell in love with those kids. One boy with autism just one day out of the blue grabbed my and gave me a big kiss on the cheek while getting off the bus (he was only 6), I hugged him back and it brought tears to my eyes. Thankfully the monitor on my bus was a compassionate older lady and didn't turn me in for cuz I could've lost my job for giving an innocent boy and innocent sign of affection. Please don't over react, but keep an eye on it for now. Good luck to you and your son.
Being that the woman is in her 70's....I think she's just a sweet woman who cares about your son.
Isn't it sad the state of the world today....that we have to be suspicious of everyone.
Sad but true.
I'm a mother of 8 who had a daughter molested at the public school by a janitor and a teacher during the school day! I thought they were both great! We had no idea that they were raping our daughter. Due to this happening I am now a bit more over cautious than the average person, but I think as mothers it is our job to protect our children period. This situation with the piano teacher may very well have been an innocent jesture, but if it happens again, I would tell her that you do not want her to kiss your son again (no physical contact).
To the rest of you moms out there... just because someone is nice and sweet and perhaps older does NOT mean they are not a perpetrator. Child molesters hang out where they have easy access to our children--schools, churches, playgrounds, etc. Go onto Megan's Law and look at the ages of some of these perps. There is no set stereotype for perps. They come in all ages, sizes, sexual preferences and backgrounds. Some are very well educated, upstanding (so we think) members of society. Ask questions, talk openly with your children, etc. Don't be fooled! Our daughter was threatened so be sure your child(ren) knows to tell you no matter what!
Lisa
Hi LS.....I see you have a lot of responses, but I wanted to add that maybe you could find out a little more about her. She may have a grandson that she never sees and your son reminds her of that. She also may have another situation with her own children that causes her to get emotional when she is with him. I am also suspicious of people who pay special attention to my kids, but at the same time, this world is so full of people trying to harm others, we need to embrace the ones who are loving to our children.
I am studying to get my certification in secondary education and we discussed this last night in class. Basically, the instructor said that because of the society we live in, try not to touch the students at all.
That said, I remember hugging teachers in school and never thought anything of it. My teachers were proud, we would hug. I encourage my kids to hug their pre-school teachers in my presence. Since you were present, I would not have a problem with it. I would also educate my child on what is appropriate and not - I think the video by Julie Clark and John Walsh is pretty good. I keep meaning to get it for my kids.
Good luck.
I'm a big believer in 'gut' feelings...so don't dismiss those. If you don't feel comfortable with things...make sure to be there for every lesson...or find another teacher. I would NEVER leave my children alone with someone I didn't feel totally comfortable with. However, that said, it's probably as you thought...just a sweet gesture from a grandmotherly type woman. What does your son think? Is he comfortable with her? Most kids have a sense for these things. There was a man in my neighborhood who I got bad vibes from the one time I met him and my son felt exactly the same way...so we stay clear from his house.
I think that it is great that the teacher is caring about ur child that much. But there is a fine line between teacher and student relationship. It is said to say and hear about the things that are happening know and days. U do have every right to be conceraned about what i u are seeing.
Sit down after a class and ask ur son how he feels when she does that. And also see if u can sit down and talk to the teacher also. Just let her know how u feel and see if there is a reason why she dose that to ur son. Just be open about it.
But the thing is that all the stuff that we are hearing about has been going on for years, it is just in the past few years that people have spoken up and out about the issue.
Talk to the teacher and let her know that u are not saying that she is hurting ur son, but that u are concerned about the way that she is with him. And see how ur son feels about the kiss behind the ear. If he dosen't really like it, then let the teacher know that also. Help ur childern speack up know, so that they can do it later if ever needed.