He was my coworker. We were friends. I had a little crush on him but he never noticed me. He had a really bad substance abuse problem at the time. I am thankful everyday we didn’t end up together. I don’t want him or anything. I just always wondered what happened ? My husband and I have made a great life together. I am glad we found each other.
At first he pretended not to know me. But then agreed to meet with me. He is sober and clean now.
He disappeared after a house fire. He admitted to covering it up. He didn’t want to be married anymore or be a dad any more so he left and faked own death and started over with a new name.
It really messed with his wife who I am friends with. She was pregnant at the time. She lost the baby. We are friends. we are the same age. She is a sweet person. still very beautiful but is very mentally fragile and childlike. I would want to know but I don’t know if I should. He was declared dead and she got money out of it.
His daughter who am friends with was really hurt and resents him for leaving. Should i tell them? His best friend spent thousands of dollars looking for him until his death.
I told my husband no one else. He thinks the guy is a narcissist and I should take it to the grave and let it go. I just don’t understand any of it. I feel like I saw a ghost. I have pictures and audio of him on my phone.
I wanted closure . I don’t understand why he would do any of it. I have had bad days but I would never cause a disaster and wouldn’t abandon my friends and family for it. This probably sounds bad.
I don’t think I would say anything. He has caused enough pain and I think that if his family knew he is alive and faked his death because he wanted to get away from them, it would just reopen an old wound. I agree with your husband that this guy must be a narcissist, or something else. He definitely isn’t a stable person and seems unconcerned about all the hurt he caused, as his attention is focused only on himself and his wants and feelings.
I’m not sure what you feel you are achieving by meeting up with him, but I wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with someone who hurt my friend and leaves so much destruction in his path. He sounds like a jerk. Not to mention how your friend would feel that you are trying to establish a friendship with a man who abandoned his family because he was too cowardly to ask his wife for a divorce and continue being a father to his children. It could cost you your friendship.
Even if he does want to reestablish a connection with them, it’s his call and his undertaking, not yours. Don’t make it your problem. If he has sought help for his addictions, I am surprised they didn’t encourage him to make amends and apologize for his poor actions. I have heard that is one of the primary things AA does, is for alcoholics to take accountability for their hurt and ask for forgiveness.
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What Natalie L said. It’s hard to imagine anything good coming from his family knowing he is still alive, and in particular, YOU should not be involved in whether they get that information. It’s his relationship with them, and that doesn’t include you. Good thing he seems to have gotten clean, and it’s on him to determine what he should do with regards to other people. To clarify about the making amends part of a Twelve Step recovery program, here are the steps related to addressing harm caused by past conduct:
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Assuming that he is working a 12 Step program, he might have decided that contacting your friend and her kids (his former family) would injure them further, and he’s probably right. In those cases, 12-Steppers will make amends by not doing the harmful behavior anymore. That’s actually another reason for you not to say anything to them about having seen him–he’s best suited to judge whether reconnection will cause more harm, and you should not intervene.
Needless to say, I can’t see a reason for you to interact with him any further. Send good wishes to the universe that he is doing good in the world to make up for past harms, and go on with your happy marriage and life.
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I agree with Natalie L and Alewinson.
I am confused when you say he pretended not to know you but “then agreed to meet with me.” So, it was your idea to meet with him?? Then you thought about all the potential problems after that?
No good can come of notifying anyone, but you may be in a bit of a pickle if you already met with him. That’s hard to cover up. I suppose, if you ever are confronted by his former family, you can say that you believed his reaching out to them was one of his “steps” and up to him to decide. If you haven’t met with him - don’t. But it seems you know a fair amount about his second and secret life. There is the issue of you knowing that he committed some kind of insurance fraud by being declared dead, and also that he abandoned his children and could be liable for past child support. I think you need to be prepared for all eventualities.
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