I don't like it when other people kiss my baby.

Family & Parenting Other Family & Parenting
1

I just wanted to put this out there, and see if anyone has any thoughts. Or can relate....

I'm not talking about kissing him on the lips. I would ask anyone not to do that. But I'm not sure what to do about people wanting to kiss his cheeks/head/neck etc. Mostly it's relatives.

My mom does this and I just would prefer she didn't. But I feel like I don't have any good reason to ask her not to. Espically since she has basically knocked herself out for 20 years to do the best she could for me. She has a hx of oral herpies. So I have mentioned that I was a little nervous she'd kiss him on the lips, and asked her not to. (Since a person can be contagious even if they don't have an active outbrake). She managed not to give it to me. But my little brother and step- dad do have it and we all suspect she is the source. I'm not sure I should go back on my don't kiss him on the lips, to don't kiss him at all. But I do think she would feel hurt.

Not sure if my feelings are about the herpies or more general. And it's not just about my mom. Perhaps I'll make a general family announcement... Or perhaps just try to get over it. One of many things in my son's life that I am not in control of.

2

As far as kissing on the lips, I'm with you. Especially with the herpies. As far as kissing other places goes... Maybe try to find a polite way to ask people not to do it. Sorry, I am drawing a complete blank as to how to do that but... My core advice would be whatever you pick to say (or decide not to say) stick to your guns. Be consistent with what you say and give the same line, so to speak, to every one! Maybe ask your doctor for a word of advice as to what to say, just call in and talk to their nurse or something. That's probably what I would do.

3

I can understand not wanting people you don't know kissing your baby,but you own family members?Obviously if someone is sick or if your Mom has a coldsore then she should refrain from kissing anyone!But can you truly expect your Mom to NEVER kiss her grandchild because she gets coldsores sometimes? I think it's a natural instinct to want to protect your child from harm,but your child will be exposed to all kinds of situations and germs that you have no control over,which can be scary,but your child has an immune system that you can help to make strong and healthy.And oral herpes(coldsores)can be prevented from outbreak by a healthy diet,drinking plenty of water and getting good rest...I should know I have it,as do about half of the people I know,and they kiss people(when they don't have an outbreak),and I kiss my 10 week old every day!
Good Luck!
Kelly&Viviana

4

You didn't mention how old your baby is so I'm assuming he's still pretty young. I can totally see your point about kissing on the lips (however, sooner than later, your little guy will love kissing people on the lips and you won't be able to control that as much) but kissing him on the forehead/cheek/hand seems reasonable to me (for family members, of course, not strangers).

I totally understand the "mama bear" feelings and I do believe in going with your gut. However, I would like to point out that he'll be missing out on feeling a lot of love and how to interact with family if you cut off all kissing. Granted, he might catch a cold or two that he might not have caught otherwise, but that's all about growing up and building his immunity. Personally, I would much rather my daughter get sick a little more often than have her miss out on what should be a kind & loving (and appropriate) gesture from her grandparents. If you shield him from these normal signs of affection, how will he relate with others later in life. It's just something to think about.

As for cold sores and oral herpes... many, many, many people have them and I think it's common sense that if you have a cold sore, then you don't kiss people (same thing goes for when someone is sick). If you're extra worried about it, then bring it up with your mom (and anyone else you know that gets them) when they are not having an outbreak. I've never had one, but my mom sure has and it's never been an issue. :-)

5

What's so shocking or surprising about worrying about mom or other relatives with HERPES (an incurable, lifelong disease) kissing your baby on the lips or face? It's called being rational and caring about your child!! Don't a lot of loving and affectionate people ask friends & family (even self-sacrificing mom) to wash their hands before touching a newborn? Or are they more worried about hurting their feelings?

I would not worry about changing how I feel and instead focus on being more assertive, open and honest about your feelings to other people. It doesn't need to make sense to others -- if it bothers you, it does!

When you have a baby, your mama bear instincts go into overdrive for good reason. I used to let a 'friend' bully me into letting her talk face to face inches from my new baby for long periods of time with strong cigarette breath. I asked her not to several times but she continued (and I no longer talk to this person for many good reasons). The baby was obviously bothered by it but 'friend' didn't seem to notice or care. He could've gotten asthma, SIDS, lung problems and a whole host of other things from her. Babies are most vulnerable when they are new, and as they become stronger and more developed, the mama defensiveness calms down a little too. I think this is all for good reason -- the instincts tell you to PROTECT the most when the baby needs it the most!

Whether it seems "reasonable" or not to other people is not important. We often have excellent reasons for doing things that others haven't thought of, or will deny to themselves because of personal issues or hang-ups. Growing up, would you have wanted your parents to put their parents' (esp. unreasonable) desires ahead of your well-being? Your child has no greater advocate or protector than you, mommy.

This type of situation (as well as this particular issue) will continue for all of your family life as your children grow. I think it's important to practice putting your children first, even if it hurts family members' feelings. If family members' feelings are hurt, are they thinking of the child's health and well-being or just about their own ego? Just because they're related to you, doesn't mean they will be saints.

I say put your child first and take your instincts and feelings seriously! Instincts and feelings are important, and they are intelligent -- they are your subconscious processing all the information you receive -- and they are who you are! Stop trying to justify how you feel to others or yourself and just start listening to yourself! That's my two cents. :-)

P.S. How come the other responses don't address that you said someone with herpes can be contagious even if they don't have an active outbreak? Is this such a little fact to ignore? Are they essentially saying it's okay if your mom gives your baby herpes because this particular show of affection is more important?

6

Bonnie,

Part of me feels for you and your uncomfortable feelings about your family kissing your child. Another part of me sees this as a first time parent overreacting.

I guess I'd go down the middle and ask the family in general to please attempt to not kiss your baby as it takes you out of your comfort zone. Understand also that there will be some relatives that will totally disregard you and kiss anyway. At least by asking your family to try and not kiss your son you are doing something to put your mind at rest.

Best of luck,
Supportively,
Melissa

7

Have to tell you this one throws me.LOl I completely understand not wanting child to get fever blisters, but on the same hand, my x got them all the time and kissed me for many yrs and to this day 14 yrs later I have not got one.

I really do not understand not wanting your baby to be loved on... Babies need lots of love and from different people- it is all about the baby learing and growing.
Really do not know what else to tell you.. Good luck.

8

Oral herpes is forever. If she can't understand that you don't want him to get it, maybe she doesn't need to hold him. It's a tough situation, but in the end he is your baby and your mother should understand what it's like to live with the results of mistakenly getting them. I would also ask her to refrain from kissing his hands.

My sister also has oral herpes and is careful not to share her chapstick and is careful with her husband during those outbreatks. She told me that she is very careful with the baby.

Yeah, it's not just something that he can't live with as he grows up, but it's hard enough to be a teen without having accidentally gotten a disease that will make other kids want to keep away from him. Stress and hormones will set it off. It will also be hard to explain to him later that this was preventable and that girls will like him anyway.

He's your baby. You have to be the one to tell her. Good luck!

9

I am right there with you! I have a dear friend who will always sneak a kiss on my baby's lips! It drives me NUTS. And mentally I always talk myself out of saying anything because I don't want to be that person. However, I think its time we stand up for our children and their safety/health!

I know it's hard because we don't want to offend anyone and come off as being "that person". However, we are not here to make anyone feel better about themselves or their actions. We are here to take care of our children, protect them, and keep their best interests as our top priority. If other people feel offended by our ability to be a strong voice for our children then that is their own insecurities...not ours. It's important to be the wiser and not take on their projections.

I think a good way to make this statement to your family would be to phrase it in a way that expresses you and your husband's joint value on the subject...i.e: "Keeping our child's health in mind, my husband and I have decided to ask you not to kiss our baby. You can still hug our baby and love our baby without kissing our baby. Our baby's immune system is not strong like ours and we feel that it is best if none of you kiss him so we can keep him as healthy as possible. Thank you for keeping our baby's health in your awareness."

...and any time you catch them doing it...you can remind them of your value and ask that they respect it. They don't need to understand it to respect it.

I am going to take my own advice as well. You are not alone in wanting health for your children.

You will be so glad you took your stand on this subject with your family and you will continue to carry this empowerment in other areas of your child's life. This is not the last time you will have to speak up for your child. Consider it practice!

Also..after reading some of the other responses, I am slightly disappointed that there are women telling you to basically ignore your intuition and that you are overreacting because you are a first time mom. Women/mothers have strong intuitions for a reason! And children do need a lot of love...but that does not mean that children deserve to have other's in their "space". Protection is a very high form of love! Bonnie, please do not listen to any person who ever tells you to ignore your intuitions.

10

As a now adult who grew up with Oral Herpes (of course still have it) I would do all in your power to keep anyone, especially your Mother, from kissing your baby. Every single school photo, dance or fun event I'd have one of these stinking HUGE Herpes sores somewhere on my mouth. It was miserable, not just having it but the teasing too. I got my lovely gift of OH from my Grandmother.

We have a no kiss rule in our house, NO kissing the baby (who is now a Toddler) on the lips. If a relative or someone goes in for a kiss I just politely say "we don't kiss on the lips", or I just move her away.

Don't be fooled, Oral Herpes doesn't only happen on the lips; I get it on and in my nose and on my chin. It is miserable. Thankfully there is now good preventative medication that I take and it keeps the outbreaks to a bare minimum.

If you mother doesn't heed your gentle warning take her with you on your son's next doctors visit and have the doctor explain the ramifications of kissing the baby. Just MHO.

11

I agree about kissing the baby on the lips. I don't think that's right or necessary. I think when people have a out-break of herpes, are under the weather, or just ill they should keep a distance from the baby.
I think you are over reacting about kissing and hugging the baby beyond that. It sounds like a first time parent feeling and you need to move beyond it if you can. Just make it clear to your family if you are sick, feeling like you are coming down with something, or have something contagious please keep your distance until you are better. Make it a general announcement. You can start the speech with I'm sure you all know this already, but it makes me feel better to tell you...
You can't over protect him from everything and his immune system will get stronger by just normal exposure to thing and people.

12

You are the mother and have every right to ask people, relatives or not, to keep their lips off your baby. My big issue with my kids was hand holding, even now it makes me crazy to think about it. Seeing filthy dirty hands touch my babies hands made me nuts. I probably said it 100 times, please don't touch his hands, Finally friends and relatives would automatically wash before they would ask to hold my babies. I was more than likely extreme, but as the Mom it was my right to be. I would ask your Mom to please understand your feelings and fears about the herpes, sorry to say, she should automatically know that. Better safe than sorry.

13

She is not contagious unless she is having an outbreak. My mom kissed all three of my babies and only my oldest got cold sores. I have them also...always have. But since new medicines have come out my daughter who is now 9 and I have not had them for months and hopefully it will continue that way. My dad always had them, my mom and sometimes my brother...but my sister never did. You are taking a chance with your kids getting them no matter what in life. My daughter did not get them until she was older. So far none of my other kids have them.

I would just ask her not to if she feels an outbreak coming on or does have them. And to stick to the back of the neck. Maybe she can have a special little kissing place. You can't ask grandma to not kiss a baby. That may drive her crazy. I know It would drive me crazy. I love kissing my own babies.

Dana

14

on the outer limits of advice, I offer this:

there is a self-energy around the head, that people getting into it is really an invasion ... more for some than for others

I was instinctually defensive of it before my last ... but with my last I had a situation with a child we see regularly who would NOT stop messing in his headspace, and I really had to sit back and analyse because snapping at someone else's child for something that parent thinks is reasonable ... well, I needed to decide if I had a hangup, or if it was really as NOT OK as I felt it was.

It was really as NOT OK.

And it was especially interesting that as soon as this little girl had been doing it for a bit, my daughters started doing it too ... where before playing with their brother had been OK, they started being the 'wrong' way about it, in imitation. So I had to stop them all.

There is something, particularly, about boys, and women(/girls) trying to define them, and working in the headspace of the baby is totally an instinctual way to do that--to gain control over something that they are instinctually threatened by, or that they are used to having control over but sense that they don't ...

it is also love and snuggles, don't get me wrong ... but how many adult women try to control the men around them with love and snuggles (and control?) ...

anyhow, again, the outer reaches of advice here, weird, whatever, but very serious ... your son's headspace is your territory, inasmuch as any woman has a right to it, and if you sense other women are impinging, you are sensing something real. Some women will be able to kiss him without imposing ... but if you feel the imposition, it is your job as a mother to protect your son from whatever is being imposed.

Good luck figuring out less awkward ways to deal with that ... but if it has to be direct, be direct.

(I was lucky, because I've always for hygenic reasons told my kids not to touch baby-faces, so I could just extend the rule to 'heads'--and let the other kid know that it was a 'family rule'.)

Related thought--if you 'live into' your mother-right, other women cannot mess with your children as easily ... it's a faith and confidence thing. For me, I'm Catholic, and really examining, "God must have given me the authority to protect him, because I am his mother," and owning that, was what I needed to do.

If ANY of that makes sense ;).

God bless.
--Kirsten

15

Well, since you don't have herpes, you probably have no basis to really know what it feels like. I have it, probably from my mom or dad too, and frankly, when I get a cold sore, it hurts, but it's not the end of the world. So, I wouldn't worry about it - if your kid gets it, it's not like they are going to be a social outcast or something. If your mom doesn't kiss your baby when she has a cold sore (or when she is pretty sure she's going to get one soon), it should be fine. People with herpes are NOT contagious all the time. My husband only got it after 1.5 years of dating - and that was not just a series of simple pecks on the cheek. ;)

16

Sounds like you are a great mom - loving, caring and willing to ask advice.

I think you might be a little over-reactive on this point. You don't mention (or I didn't notice) how old your baby is. Lots of times this kind of worrying is projecting anxiety from being a new parent. If it really, really freaks you out, then just reiterate "no kissing on the lips" rule.

If it makes you feel better, kissing on the face, neck and head is significantly less germy than holding/kissing their little hands, which they then put in their mouth. I'd go for a kiss on my baby's cheek over a kiss on the fingers anyday!

I think it is wonderful, a real gift, that you have loved ones that want to love your baby. Let them all have that gift, separate from you. Hopefully they will grow to have relationships that are significant and lifelong.

17

Most people carry the oral herpes virus. We get it is grade school from our friends, or our high school class mates. By the time we graduate school 80% -85% of us have it. (my doctor just told me about this 2 weeks ago). Most will never know. Many doctors don't even mention when it shows up on a test because it is expected to be there. (are you sure you are not a carrier? Unless you ask your doc specific about it you may not know). By the time we are in our 50s, almost 100% are carriers of this virus.

18

Bonnie,
From someone who has the herpes virus and gets cold sores, I say this: Yes I got them from my mom, so did my sister. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and he has yet to get them...even if some people get them and some dont...and yes, I know a large number of the population has them, so what!...I dont want my kids to get them and my mom and sister and I do what we can to not give them to our family! Knock on some wood...neither husband or 7 of our kids have it,...YET.
You are the mom...do what you feel is best for your baby!! I think it's more than fair for you to put your baby's health above others hurt feelings!!

Karma

19

Hello Bonnie,

I have to agree with you on this one. You have every right to be concerned.

At first, I thought you were over reacting until I finished reading. You are not over reacting like some mothers may think. You are a very responsible person. The way things are today, you can never trust people and how they take care of themselves and how they live. I would never allow the chance of my child getting kissed by anyone with any bumps or things that look like sores on their face. There are so many diseases out there that are deadly. When it comes to the health of YOUR child, you should always question it.

Your the mother and should address this concern to your family...let it be known, don't beat around the bush. It's better to get things out in the open and they need to know exactly where you're coming from.

Good luck to you!

20

I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it either. Just tell people how you feel. You don't mind snuggling, but kissing on the lips or on the face is unacceptable. A bond between mother and infant is sacred, and not to be violated in any way, in my opinion.

Also, the best thing to do is put your baby in an infant carrier or sling (there are all sorts of designs, so that it's harder for people to get to him. The way you can "defend your territory" more easily. My babies were held much less by others when they were in a carrier or sling.