i am terrible with saying things in a nice way, i usualy just come right out and say what i mean. BUT my step sister wants to bring her boyfriend to a family get together and i previously told her she could bring him. i mentioned it to rest of family last night and they were very upset at the thought of this boy coming to family event. there is a long history of this boy treating SS badly such as leaving her stranded at bar in bad neighborhood middle of night, wrecking her car and not paying for it, even beat her once.
so my question is do i spare her feelings and nicely say i am uninviting your boyfriend, if so what exactly would you say? or do i come right out and say the crappy boyfriend cant come?
adding to this...other family member have said they will leave or call cops if boyfriend shows up.
I can understand why your family would not want to encourage your step sister's relationship with this guy. (He BEAT her?!) However, you (knowing their history when you did so) told her he could come. Once you've invited him, it's done.
Once he is invited, you cannot take it back, unless in the meantime, he does something horrible.
Remember the invite is really to include your step sisters boyfriend.. Not to somehow show approval, but to make ss happy,.
Later (another day),, these other people on their own, need to speak with ss privately about their concerns with her ongoing relationship with a person who in the past has abused her, not shown her respect.. whatever their problem with him is..
I think even if you somehow "in a nice way" un-invite him...your step sister will most likely not come either. So, I think you really need to weigh whether that is what you want to do or not.
Think of it this way, at least you and your family will be able to keep a good eye on him so that he may not hurt her in your presence.
I would just explain to her as nicely as you can, that after careful consideration and speaking with the remainder of the family you all think it's best that he doesn't come. If she objects, then I would just tell her that you are all concerned for her wellbeing with him and as long as he continues to treat her this way, he is not welcomed. That you love her but can't understand why she would put up with all that he has done. While you can't control who she chooses to be with you can control who is going to be allowed at the family function. Just be ready for "well if he can't come, I won't be attending either" speech from her. That's something that you will have to accept. Start off positive and end as postively as you can. Good luck!
I'm surprised he would really want to show with the things he has done. I don't think there is a nice way to uninvite him. If you forbid him from coming that may push them closer together and she doesn't need that.
Are you talking about my sister?!?! HOLY COW!! Her now fiance was the same way for years and we all hated him. Things have been good with them for a while now and he has gotten help. I still wouldn't pick him for her, but it's her life so it's whatever.
We had this issue last Father's Day. My brother had just purchased his home and wanted us to come over there. But my sister was not allowed to bring her boyfriend. It turned into a huge fight, but now of course things have calmed down. My brother still refuses to see her fiance, but he will at least see her now.
Honestly, honesty is the best policy here. Tell her the bf is not welcome and if she wants to skip it that's fine, but SHE is welcome.
Actually, she will probably not come no matter HOW you say it.
Maybe it would be better to talk to the family again and have THEM take him aside at this family gathering and tell him that the next time he hits her, he'll find himself with a mess to deal with because they will pay him back for his abuse to her. If he knows that there will be hell to pay for his abuse, maybe he'll think twice about hitting her.
(I'm not talking about beating him up - just so no one thinks I'm advocating that. I DO have a friend whose brothers poured sugar in the guy's gas tank. He got the message loud and clear and walked away from the relationship. If he hadn't have, the next time he hit her, he would have gotten more sugar AND slashed tires.)
Domestic violence advocates probably wouldn't agree with this, but I do believe that ignoring the elephant in the room just aids and abets these men. Tell your family to go ahead and face this head on. No more enabling.
Haven't you ever heard the old adage "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"
You should invite this guy. And the family should make it clear to him that his BS will not fly. All of you together should be showing support for your SS by pulling this man in by the shirt collar and saying "listen, MoFo, you mess with our SS and you'll have US to answer to!"
Well, the cops won't do anything if he isn't doing anything. I think you are certainly in a pickle. It comes down to it, this is your home and you can invite who you want.
I would call the girl and visit something like this, let's pretend her name is Jan:
"Wow Jan, I was telling XXX you were bringing XX with you to my thing and she got totally crazy about it!!! What the heck happened? Tell me everything."
She may feel close enough to you to tell you and she may tell you things not told to the others before...she may clear up some things, she may tell you more than you want to know, she may reach out for help, she may brag about how cool he is and how they like BDSM.....who knows what lifestyle they choose.
The conversation would eventually lead to:
"Do you think all He** will break loose if he comes?" She'll talk a few minutes then it's your job to discourage her or lead her into saying "I think I'll just tell him to stay home". That way it is not something that offends her but is her suggestion. You're the empathetic one here and she would not want to get you all involved in her feud with the family.
By being somewhat on her side you also open the door for future assistance or her starting to feel close to you though, if you don't like her and don't have feeling for her as a relative then just be blunt and tell her you changed your mind.
i understand the family's feelings, but once you've invited him it's up to YOU. i hate the whole hostage 'if so-and-so is there you don't get the privilege of ME' attitude.
i really don't like uninviting.
if you must do so, just call her and apologize but be firm. she won't come without him, most likely.
at this point someone's going to get their knickers in a twist. you just have to decide whom you're the most comfortable with offending.
khairete
suz
The event is happening in your home, correct? And you're an adult, correct? Then this "other family member" can't call the cops if the boyfriend shows up unless he's wanted by the police or starts something at the event. If the other family member chooses not to show up, then so what? Let them leave. That's their choice. That's their drama, not yours. Don't get involved in it.
I think it would be incredibly rude for you un-invite the boyfriend. It would also damage your relationship with your sister. Don't un-invite him.
Is this bf violent or has a warrant for his arrest? If there is nothing outstanding about him (in a negative way) then you DON'T uninvite him. And it's your house...do not let other family members bully you into being the bad guy...if they don't want to come because he will be there, that is their problem. Your step sister chooses to be w/ this person....it really doesn't matter if you agree or think it's a bad idea. It's HER choice.
You already said she could bring him...be the grown up and let that stand.
I was bullied into not inviting certain family members to my wedding...long story. But to this day, I wish I had gone w/ my gut and had them there. The people who were "bothered" by it are not nice people anyway and why did I WANT them at my wedding!? Unfortunately, it would have affected a lot more people than me, so I did what I thought was right. Luckily, my sisters DID invite them...and guess what? Everyone got over it!
While boyfriend doesn't sound like a nice guy, your ss is your family, so you need to let her know you support her and that you are there for her. Sorry you are in the middle of this...hope it all works out.
I would not uninvite him. If the others don't want to come that is their choice and let them tell her why if she asks them. If she asks you tell her to ask them why.
Why should you have to be the devils advocate here?
Unfortunately even though everyone around her can see how bad he is for her but her... this is her choice as to who she wants to be with. Sadly the family has to except that without liking it!
If you want her to be at the family dinner then you have to realize they are a package deal and he will be there especially since you invited him.
you did the right thing here... the rest of the family needs to grow up a little on it.
Good luck and I hope you have a good time and everyone can put the drama aside for a few hours.
I have been there and done that. With abusive people the goal is to separate you from the support of friends and family. Perhaps embracing him to keep an eye on him may be the best move to be made.
Other family members do not get to manipulate or dictate who comes to my home. That is just rude. If they choose to leave they are welcomed to do so but they don't get to tell you who you can and can not have in your house.
Don't make your sister have to choose between the family and her man (and I use the term man loosely). Don't uninvite him but you may want to stagger guests coming to your home. That may be a better solution.
Set up 4 hour blocks of time and invite on set then invite the other set if you want to or just keep the plan the plan. Express to your family that you don't want a scene but if they want to abandon your sister and let the boyfriend see the family split on his presence then that's their decision but you wish they would reconsider to show this abuser a united supportive family front.
Your family needs to understand that this is not about THEM. It's about your SS. The way to show her support is not to exclude her BF (which will only serve to exclude her as well, because an abusive man is not going to let her go to this by herself anyway). If your family really wants to help her rid herself of this guy, they need to step up in meaningful ways - offer her a place to live while she gets on her feet, help her get counseling to understand why she puts up with this... etc etc. Simply throwing a fit and demanding that the bad BF is not invited doesn't help anything, and will likely make the situation worse for her. I was in an abusive relationship in college, so I speak from experience.
just come right out and tell her
I personally wouldnt want the tension at my house, andnot watn him to come.
it will put you in an akward spot, and if your already the host, you dont need the drama..
My brother once had a GF that we didn't like, she was nothing like anyone in our family but she was still invited to family gatherings. He sounds like someone you would never want at your home so you will have to keep an eye on things (valuables .. but this is usually a pattern here). Learned by experience. If he beat her, he should go to jail but that's another event outside of the family gathering. She definitely needs y'all more now than ever so just talk to her. Will she come without him? If not, I might be tempted to tell her to bring him. If he makes a scene, pray that it will open her eyes even more. If the cops need to come, it might be a turning point for him/them.