Anyone have any advice on how to delicately tell a friend that I'm having another child? She has been trying for quite some time to have her own, and now she is having some serious marital problems which have kept me from mentioning anything. Whenever I think a good time to mention it comes up, she talks about her problems and I just don't have the heart to share good news while trying to console her. I'm not so far along that it will be as if I'm hiding it from her, and figure I'll just have to start a conversation by bringing up my next child, but was curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
I think the fact that you seem to understand how difficult your good news will be for her to receive will go a long way in how she'll handle it. I was on the other end for several years when I couldn't have the children I so desired. I appreciated it very much when my friends were honest and told me that they were worried that their good news would be difficult for me to hear and then would tell me. It opened the door for conversation if I wanted it and in all honesty, while I may have been a bit jealous and unable to rejoice with them in the news or hear about pregnancy conversations often, I was genuinely always happy for them. I suggest telling her honestly about your concern in sharing your news and letting her guide how much she is able to share in your happiness.
I was in a similar situation with a friend. We were pregnant at the same time. Her baby was stillborn a few weeks before our baby was born. The one thing I know for sure bothered her was to hear others complain about their children, or pretend that they were not excited about having another baby. That was more cruel to her because she felt that the other people did not even appreciate what they had - or who they had. It also made her feel like people could not be themselves around her and treated her differently because of what she had been through. It made her feel very isolated. I wouldn't put it off very much longer, have faith in your friend and your friendship. Be open with her about your feelings.
Hi, I have read the other responses below and I would have to agree completely with what they had to say. Back about nine years ago I had a stillborn at 8 months into my pregnancy. It was a little girl. My family and friends were always hesistant to tell me when they were pregnant. Yes, I was a little jealous of them at first but it didn't change my friendship at all. I was just as happy for them as they would have been for me. Tell her. I am sure she won't be upset at you for something that will be joyful. Yes, she will probally be sad but it will pass.
If this is a good friendship, she will be happy for you all the same. Now, that's not to say that privately she will not be devistated that it is you and not her, but outwardly, she will be happy for you just as you would with her. I think it may be more hurtful for her if she were to find out from someone other than you.
As I am 'that friend' who cannot have children, I would like to offer my advice.
While your friend is going through a difficult time, I agree with the others that if you are honest with her and explain your concern for her and her reaction to your news, I am certain she will appreciate it.
We have been unsuccessful in our attempts to reach parenthood for over 10 years, and while I am sometimes completely devastated when I hear others' blessed news, it does not diminish my joy for their good fortune.
Letting her know that you have genuine concern for her feelings will help her to know that you care about her. And hopefully, either right away or in time, she will be as happy as you are that you are expecting. Just don't be surprised if she needs some distance from you for awhile...just offer your support if she needs/wants it.
Good Luck!
I found out I was pregnant the same time a good friend suffered a horrible miscarriage. I kept the news from her for a little bit, then I told her. I felt like I needed to shelter her, but I didn't need to. She was my friend and was very happy for me & my family to be adding an additional little one. If she is your friend, she will be happy for you despite what is going on in her life.
First of all.. It is so amazing that you are sensitive to your friends plight. I have been there and it is really rough. I can't tell you how insensitive many people were to me when I was going through Infertility treatment, and unless you have faced it, you just don't know. My advice is to just let her know and she will share in your joy and be happy for you.
If you guys are good friends, then I would just say something like "Well, I've been waiting for a good time to tell you this, but since there never seems to be a perfect one....I'm pregnant" I mean, just because she is unable to have kids and is going through things in her own life doesn't mean that she can't be happy for you.
Liz, I have a friend who has one child and when I got pregnant with my second child, it was hard to tell her, because she had thought she was pregnant about a month before I found out and she wasn't. Honestly my opinion is that if she is a TRUE FRIEND she will be happy for you, it's not your fault she can't get pregnant. I also have an aunt who never was able to have kids and it bothered me to know that she spent thousands of dollars trying and I was able to get pregnant easily. I would tell her as soon as you can so she doesn't think you were trying to hide it. Good luck.
Hi Liz,
I was the friend who couldn't have her own child and I had several friends that felt just as you do. They were afraid to share their good news with me (because they loved me and didn't want to upset or hurt me). Trust me, it is much better she hear it from you than through the grapevine. I must admit I felt envious and even a little jealous that it wasn't me but was always happy for their blessings. I felt awkward too. Everyone knew how much I wanted a child and what I had gone through to conceive but, bottom line is friends share, comfort and support one another. Good or bad. That's what makes us friends. I wish you all the luck and will keep you in my prayers. Enjoy your blessing!
This certainly a delicate and heavy situation all rolled up in one. I like the answers of the other moms so pay attention to them.
None of my close friends had children. So, they kept their opinions to themselves when I told them. They seemed to be supportive. One friend wasn't and I will call her Mrs. Class. It was common knowledge among our friends that she had heavy irregular periods. She went on fertility pills after my second child was born.
Mrs. Class was in our wedding party and was openly critical of us on several occasions with the support of her husband. He knew what she was doing and we never once got an apology for the trashy verbal oupout. When I announced we wanted to start a family, I was greeted with, "Why do you want kids, do you know anybody else who is having them?"
When she suspected that I was pregnant, she called our house with a sick phone call. She had a hard time getting the conversation on the roll, because there was so much cheap snickering and chuckling followed by pauses. When I was finally asked, "What's new?", I said "Nothing." I got pregnant a year after she suffered a miscarriage before Christmas time.
It turns out that my daughter's due date was on her birthday. A week before the due date, we were getting hangups on the phone. These hangs and bangs continued several months after my daughter's birth. We contacted the phone company and this was before the time of caller ID and the certain star* number that could display any possible listed number. After contacting the phone company a second time, THEY decided not to investigate it. We went unlisted after an unadentified male called our house, and said, "F* You." I knew ALL of my husbands friends and none of them fit the caller.
If your are dealing with a negative person, my advice is to cut them out totally. The negative action escalated years later after Mrs. Class screamed at me and lunged at me at a baby shower by calling me a 'Bitch'. She lied to my friend and her husband about what went on. After years of taking a bucket of negatives, I finally got nasty with her.
A year after the shower, her husband confronted my husband at a local restaurant and wanted to exchange words with him. My husband ignored him. On the way out, I caught Mrs. Class looking at me and the kids in a buggy eyed manner. I didn't know what was next -- Her having an orgasm or peeing up the restaurant seat for joy. She was looking at us like pure white trash.
Two years after the shower, Mrs. Class gave me a side bang while I was in line at a South Park Mall eatery.
I pulled me, the kids and food out of there in a flash.
I saw her husband chew her ear out. But his correcting her has been over 16 years too late. I regret not filing a security report at the mall against her. Negative body contact in a harassing way is legally wrong.
Trust your own judgement in whom do you want to tell.
Cut the negative people out. Parenting is way too difficult without the end result of being lied about, banged into and having your kids and you being trashed in public or on the phone. I don't want me or the kids around any negative sources of energy.
Yes, they have been at other local malls and restaurants where we should have been. They live on the other side of town. I got reports from my friends. So, I cut back trips to the local restaurants, malls and craft shows to eliminate any further uncontrolled nasty encounters.
DO NOT let your children become somebody else's cheap entertainment or a juicy conversation piece. God did not give us children for this reason. THIS is for real. It went down.
Guess what, even though we were called on the carpet for wanting kids, both kids were on the honor roll in high school. One child has graduated from college and the other one is graduating next year. Looks like child no. 2 is going to go for MA degree. Take no BULL****.
As a woman who's been in your friends shoes, my greatest bit of advice is that no matter when you tell her, do so gently. It sounds as if you care very deeply for your friend and are concerned about her feelings on the matter, so I have no doubt you'll be caring and gentle. As to HOW or WHEN to tell her, I think you're going to have to base that on the best timing...maybe if you're able to catch her in an upbeat mood. I know that my husband & I went through some marital problems, as well, while TTC, and it's from the stress of not getting pregnant in our timing. We had been blessed with our oldest child, who was 5½ when we finally conceived our 2nd child. It's extremely stressful, very emotional, especially for the woman...and the men don't always understand WHY it's SO important, or WHY it's so emotional. They do their thing, and then they're done, while you wait for your body to do what it's supposed to. The woman ends up feeling like a failure, wondering why her body is betraying her in such a horrific manner. So just be the friend that you really seem to be.
And I should add, do not be surprised, or hurt, if she wants some distance from you, during your pregnancy. It's not that she won't be happy for you, but it's that it will be so painful for her to see your growing belly, hear you talk about the movements, cravings, etc. My sister-in-law got pregnant during the time that we were desperately trying (I'd even taken fertility pills). I was happy for them when she told me, hugged her, offered her my advice when asked, etc., but I also excluded myself from family get togethers when I was able to, so that I didn't have to be around all the baby talk. My mother-in-law was unintentionally insensitive to my feelings during HER daughter's pregnancy. I believe she never meant to be insensitive, and I'm just the daughter-in-law...So I understood, but at the same time, didn't want to subject myself to the heartbreak at every family gathering. So I sat quite a few out, staying home and doing my own thing. So don't take it personally, it's not about YOU (in her mind), it's about HER feelings. Luckily, my SIL understood and didn't hold it against me and we're so close now.
And congratulations on your bun in the oven!
When I found out I was pregnant with our first, I had a good friend at work who had recently found out she would never have children of her own without serious fertility treatment (IVF). I was terrified to tell her even though we'd been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant.
She was the first one of my friends to show up for work that day (I was always ver early because of my Husband's job). Since it was just the two of us I told her I needed to talk to her.
As soon as I said the words, "I'm pregnant," she started crying & hugged me tight. I told her how scared I was of hurting her & she said, "Don't you dare feel guilty about this baby. I couldn't be happier for you. I know how badly you want this baby & I would never hold it against you."
She was so supportive & listened to all my pregnancy talk & news the entire nine months. She even learned to crochet a sweater just for our baby.
Tell your friend face to face if possible & be gentle about it. It may even be a good distraction for her from her own problems. You can never tell.
You do it in private. You say, looking her straight in the eye, "You know how much I care about you and I know what a tough time you are going through right now. Because you and I are close, I want to share something with you but I have worried about how you might feel I want to tell you. But I thought about it and we are friends, so I believe that even while you are having these trials you can still be happy for me. I'm pregnant." Then listen to how she feels about it. You may be surprised. Being someone who could not have children, I know how I would feel if my close friend did not tell me and I found out from someone else. It would be too much.
Your friend will be happy for you. If she found out that you were keeping it from her then that would be even worse!! Tell her to try accupunture(sp) a firnd of mine tried for years and years and this worked. She has a happy 9 month old.
Liz W.
It sounds like you have already figured out that you need to tell her privately and gently. Having been in your friend's shoes, I would have appreciated someone just understanding my sensitivity and telling me privately, rather than in a big announcement to others.
When my younger sister announced she was pregnant for the 2nd time at a family Christmas gathering, I was devastated. What hurt me most was that she knew I had been struggling with infertility and she didn't let me know first, before the family announcement. She never approached me after the announcement either. It was as if she wasn't sensitive at all to my feelings. Had she told me first and told me that she was worried about my feelings, I would have felt so much better and happier for her.
You will do just fine -- just tell her privately and let her know that you are sensitive to her feelings.
Linda L.
If she is having marital problems, the LAST thing she needs is to bring a child into this! Her focus should be on their relationship. A child WILL NOT FIX THAT! When the time comes to tell her, and you'll know, just remind her that she does NOT want to bring a child into a troubled marriage. She can't focus on both and give either one what it needs and deserves.
Remind her that you'll be there to listen, etc when she needs it. If she wants to come visit and play with your kids, set aside a weekly visit or bi-monthly visit for that. That may be some of the best "therapy" she could get. I know having a toddler around certainly helped take the stress off some of the things I was facing the past couple of years. A differenct situation, but "therapy" none the less. Plan projects, visits to museums, etc. for all of you to go. This could be a stress reliever for her, too.
If it turns out that you do wait and she ends up noticing, then just tell her that you are more concerned about her and her marriage. This is unselfish and not withholding. Sometimes, it's not appropriate to just say, "OH, BY THE WAY.......". You'll know when it's the right time. Don't force it. Concentrate on her right now. If you think there's a chance someone else might tell her, you need to start a conversation by saying, "I want to listen to what you're feeling and dealing with right now, but I you need to know this and I want to make sure you hear it from me." Remind her again that you haven't told her until now because she needs someone to listen and have been more concerned about her situation.