Hi,
I find myself in a sticky situation. My daughter is 12 and a friend of hers is 13. My daughter and I have an extremely close relationship. The friend does not have a close relationship with her mother. It's the type of relationship where she just assumes her mom will judge her or yell at her about something or just not understand. Everything out of this friend's mouth is "Don't tell my mom".
Recently the friend had a sleepover at her house. There were 5 girls. Three of the girls, including the friend decided to go in a chat room and use the webcam to talk to guys. Thank God my daughter and another friend new it wasn't a good idea and went into another room. After they were finished in the chat room and the girls were all together again, the three that had been doing it said that a guy that they met in one of these rooms asked them to take their shirts off and two of them did. My daughter told me all of this when she got home. The next day, when my daughter was home, the friend called her and told her that she met another guy in a chat room and she gave him her name and phone number. I don't know the friend's mother very well. I have spoken to her briefly several times and I have been to the house just to make sure things seemed okay. Also the mother is in a wheelchair from a car accident when she was in her teens and about a year or so ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. She is in and out of the hospital for treatments but she is in pretty good shape considering. I think that the daughter has a lot of privacy because the father works all the time to support them and the mother is confined to the first floor. The girl's bedroom is on the second floor and she has her own laptop. Anyway, I definitely want to talk to this girl's parents because I don't want to see anything happen to her and, as a parent myself, I would want to know if it were my daughter. Can anyone give me some advice on how to go about this? I don't want to make it difficult for my daughter at school and have everyone hate her because she told me what was going on and I also don't want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and have her not trust me anymore. I have spoken to my daughter about what she thinks I should do and she is also torn. She wants her friend to stay safe but she also doesn't want everyone to hate her. I definitely feel that I should do something, I'm just not sure how. Any advice would be appreciated.
This is a very tough position to be in, since you don't want your daughter to be outcast. But, if this girl is really giving her phone number to guys online, you need to tell her parents because it is an absolute matter of safety.
Chances are, she is acting out because of all that her mother is going through. She's probably scared and doesn't know what to do.
Tell your daughter what you're going to do. Let her know that you have to tell her mom because it is SO dangerous for your friend to give out her number online.
When you tell the other mom, don't be accusatory. Think about how you would want a parent to approach you. She might not believe what your daughter told you. Just tell the mom you're concerned and want to make sure her daughter is safe.
Also, even though you don't know the other mom well, she is going through a lot and can probably use a new friend and some extra help. Offer to bring her dinner or pick up groceries if you have the means to do it. If you can't help out that way, offer to have her daughter over to your house, or drive her to her chemo treatments. Maybe acting as a surrogate mother to the other girl for awhile will help her calm down a bit.
I think you just need to be blunt. She should WANT to know this. The daughter has no idea what ages the 'webcam' guys are. Or if they are taking screen shots. Or if they are distributing what essentially child porn. Or if these guys can find out her address and do physical harm.
Show your daughter what I will expect to be a lot of responses - I think that will make up her mind as to the repercussions. She will be doing her friend a HUGE favor, and you can always let her friend know that you are saving her from a very dangerous situation, NOT trying to get her in trouble. That webcam, and probably unsupervised internet, HAS TO GO.
I have to talk to parents about their kids behavior in a classroom setting. It typically goes like this:
Give mother and daughter a compliment.
"Your daughter is very sweet and kind and my daughter and her really get along great. That said, I recently became aware of an incident that happened the other night at the sleepover that I really feel you should be aware of as it pertains to some of the girls safety. My daughter is torn because she does not want this to hurt her friendship with the other girls for getting them in trouble, but she also is worried for them." Then tell the rest of the story.
As for your daughter, let her know that while her friends may be mad at her, she is helping them avoid a major safety issue by bringing it to light. The girls may hate her now, but will thank her later on in their lives. These boys could be rapists, have stds, pedophiles, robbers, they could be filming the chats and posting them online.... Also make her aware that it is better to be a friend who takes care of her friends, than one who goes along with things because it is easier... even if it means telling on them.
You should DEFINITELY talk to the friend's mom. If you don't, this girl will be taking these web relationships to the next level and meeting up with these creepers. Her mom is probably completely clueless. In matters of safety, the parents need to be notified whether the girl will get mad or not. It could save her life!
Now would be a good opportunity for your daughter to learn you can't have it both ways. Doing the right thing sometimes means weighing two bad/distasteful options. Neither of you can protect her friend by not revealing these incidents which means your daughter will be exposed to criticism and other potential negatives. However, what is more important protecting a child exposing herself to some enormous risks or protecting people's opinions of you, your daughter, your daughter's friend and/or her parents?
I think you should talk to your daughter about the potential negative fallout and how you both will address any of it if arises but also stress to your daughter why these secrets cannot be protected. Her friend is on a crash course. As grown women we know what this girl is "looking" for will never be found between the covers with any man. Not that you should impart that lesson to your daughter but this is the potential short term disaster you are trying to offset. It only gets worse from there.
I then think you need to talk to this girl's mother. Her safety is at stake and potentially those of others with her in social settings. What her mother chooses to do with the information is out of your control. Good luck.
ABSOLUTELY talk to the girl's parents! This girl is playing with fire and is going to find herself in some serious trouble if someone does not intervene. It's no wonder she says "Don't tell my mom!" since she probably knows what she is doing is wrong - this is not about her being judged, this is about her parents stepping in and being parents and not letting her have so much rope that she hangs herself. And your daughter needs to understand that she did the right thing by telling you because her friend could be in danger. Let her know that tattling is when you tell to get someone INTO trouble - but this is trying to get someone OUT OF trouble.
I would let the mom know that you need to give her some news that may be troubling, and this is not easy for you, but if it were your daughter, you would want to know. The parents need a serious wake-up call and that girl needs to have that laptop taken away, and no computers in bedrooms or other private areas ever! You could even try talking with a school counselor if you are not comfortable informing the parents. The poor girl probably needs some counseling and professional help because of what her mother is going through. And anyone soliciting a minor in any form can be reported to the police!
Hi,
In my oppinion, the best thing to do is to take a second to visit the other mom & talk gently about your concerns. Let her know what you've seen for yourself and share what your daughter has shared with you by saying: "Some of the other girls have said......"
That way there's no names involved and Mom can help her daughter maintain her safety without breaking any trust.
Do let her know that her daughter is cautious about what her mother is told, and maybe explain that guidance is needed not so much belittling or intimidation.
Keep in mind, that some parents may not act on these warnings in which case I would suggest creating some distance between your daughter and her friend wihth the reason being Friend's unsafe actions and not your daughter's actions.
I hope this helps and sorry if it was too much.
Good luck to you and your daughter, I hope it all goes well.
God bless.
I would talk to her face to face and say, "If the tables were turned, I'd want you to come to me. I think that your DD is a sweet girl, but is playing with fire on these chat rooms and you need to know. I think she is afraid to come to you but really does need to have some talks with you about these things."
I would rather the girl be angry with me than be dead because she ran off with a psycho.
I'd also tell DD that even if friend is mad, that is exactly what you are there for - to be the bad guy when necessary and look out for her and her friends.
Well I would go about it by calling the parents and telling them that you would like to talk to them about a situation. I'd tell them both what your daughter said, and tell them that you would want a parent to tell you if the tables were turned. Just make sure you don't "point" fingers at people or act like your daughter is better than theirs. I'm sure they would be very interested to know what went on though!! I went through a situation with my son where I was fretting back and forth, whether to call a parent. I did not end up calling that parent. The next week, the parent called me to inquire about a whole different thing, and I ended up spilling the beans, and she was actually upset that i had not called her before, to tell her what was going on. It wasn't something like you are talking about, but it was enough for a parent to worry. I'd call them for sure. Good luck.
Momma L. said it perfectly. reminds me of the "good-good-bad" approach.
Mary loves spending time with Suzy and they get along so well, but something has come to my attention that concerns me. It's something I would want to be aware of, and now that I am aware of it--I feel compelled to share it with you...."
i do think you must say something. This is so dangerous. But, maybe you can approach it from a slightly different angle, but still get the same results.
Instead of telling her "your daughter was in a chat room and did such-and-such", and instead of directly telling her that her daughter's behavior was dangerous and risky, maybe you can go at it from a helpful computer angle.
From what I understand, entering a chat room, especially when it's obviously an unsupervised one (with boys on it asking girls to remove their shirts), can put your computer at risk, as well as the person doing the chatting. There are hackers, spybots, all kinds of technical things that can detect the computer's codes or even the location. It puts the computer at risk for viruses, porn, dangerous spam, trojans, etc., and it can put the user at risk by having her location revealed, or it can detect her email address.
So you might say to the mom "hey, I think that during the sleepover, some of the kids took some actions on the computer, entered some sites, that might infect your computer or cause some serious damage. You might want to double check your daughter's computer for trojans, hacking activity, etc. If you aren't able to get up to her room, maybe her dad can do it or I could come over and bring the computer down to you. I'm worried about the sites they entered." That might be enough to warn the mom, and then your daughter hasn't done anything, you've just discussed computer vulnerabilities. Just two moms talking about virus protection, that's all. If anyone asks your daughter about whether she reported it, she can say no. No one's likely to ask if her mom talked to the other mom about computer cleanup!
This is from the FBI site, about internet safety:
"Should any of the following situations arise in your household, via the Internet or on-line service, you should immediately contact your local or state law enforcement agency, the FBI, and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children:
Your child or anyone in the household has received child pornography;
Your child has been sexually solicited by someone who knows that your child is under 18 years of age;
Your child has received sexually explicit images from someone that knows your child is under the age of 18.
If one of these scenarios occurs, keep the computer turned off in order to preserve any evidence for future law enforcement use. Unless directed to do so by the law enforcement agency, you should not attempt to copy any of the images and/or text found on the computer."
You also might call your local police. If you're in a big city, they probably have an internet crimes/safety unit and can maybe give you some advice on how to proceed.
Absolutely tell her. It's a dangerous situation. Girls have ended up dead in similar situations. I would want to know. I would be angry if someone knew that and didn't tell me.
Point blank! That's how I would want to know. You know, here is what I know...girls spent the night, went into a chatroom to talk to some guys, a couple of them took of shirts...and then gave out names and phones numbers"...
I see no reason to beat around the bush...just get it out there. But that is me!
This is so, so, so very dangerous and the guy on the other end of the computer is guilty of soliciting for child pornography. He could have recorded those girls taking off their clothes or made snapshots on the computer to keep for later and/or redistribute all over the internet. Those girls' lives could be ruined over something so stupid that they did. And the fact that her friend gave her phone number and address to a complete stranger on the internet was amazingly stupid and proof that this girl can't make competent decisions or take care of herself.
The fact that her mother has been sick with cancer, is in a wheelchair from a long ago car accident, and that her father works nights, nor the fact that your daughter doesn't want anyone to hate her removes the obligation you have to tell all of those girls' mothers what happened. They NEED to know for their children's' safety.
Call them up individually and let them know you want to meet to talk.
"I've been a little nervous to bring this up to you because I know how delicate situations with our kids can be, but I want you to know that I'm coming from a place of concern as a mother. I want to be up front that I'm telling you this so that you can do what you want with the information, because as a mother I would want to know what I'm about to tell you and I realized that I don't have the right to keep this from you. During the sleep-over the other night, Emily and two of the other girls _______.
Please know I'm not telling you this to get your daughter in trouble, but so that you can handle the situation however you choose to as a parent. I worry because there are so many online predators and the best way to protect our kids is to know what they're up to. If you feel I've overstepped, then I apologize, but I wasn't sure how to approach this. There's isn't exactly a manual. My biggest concern, though, is the sharing of information and what might be out there and who has it. It's your choice on whether to follow up on this."
At that point, you've done what you can.
Wow, what a tough situation to be in. You'ce received some good advice aready so I won't repeat it except to say that you do need to tell the other parents what happened.
Besides talking to the parents, it's also really important for you to praise your daughter for coming forward and telling you what happened. It's great that you have such a wonderful relationship with her tand dthat she can feel comforatble opening up to you. Still, it may have been a bit scary for her to come forward, and she needs to hear that it was the right thing to do. You've got a pretty awesome daughter!
One other thing, in case something like this ever happens again, you may want to have a "call home" policy with a code word set up with your daughter. My parents did this with me when I was a teen, If I ever got into a situation that made me uncomfortable, unsafe, ect., I knew I could call home and have my parents come get me, no questions asked. The code word was for when I couldn't call without someone right there...kind if a saving face sort of thing, so I didn't have to embarrass myself. For example the code word (or phrase) could be something like. "The party is fun and it's busy" If your dughter calls and says this, it's your cue that something is wrong and you are to go pick her up.
I really appreciated this because there were a few times that I went to sleepovers, only to have them go sour. I'd call my parents, and they'd come get me. It always made me feel better to have a "safe out" in case anything unsafe ever happened.
Remember, you are a good mom! Keep up the good work.
Troll...but if you are NOT...report to the police department immediately. Everett, MA mom...please report also.
I agree that this is an excellent lesson for your daughter that sometimes doing the right thing can be very hard but that it needs to be done. What your daughter's friend is doing is dangerous and stupid and needs to be stopped.
Just be polite and tell the parents all the facts as you know them.
I know that this is easier said than done but try not to worry about your daughter too much. If I were you I would make sure to tell your daughter she can completely blame you to her friends...and not to EVER feel bad for confiding in you...and that she did the right thing by telling you and that you are so very proud of her and that you love her very much for being so strong and for making the right decision by leaving the room when this all was going down! *I would have done something extra special for my daughter for handling the whole situation the way your daughter did! Kudos to you Mom...sounds like you have raised a very good girl who has her head on straight!!
I think you should talk to the mom, but I don't know that I would tell her about the shirt thing. I think I would just tell her that she's been in chat rooms and may be providing personal information. The woman has enough on her plate right now and I don't think she needs to know all the details, just that her daughter is engaging in very dangerous behavior.
Can you do it anonymously? Maybe an anonymous but detailed letter to them. Or ask them to keep it a secret as to who the information came from.