How to deal with these people?

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1

I live in suburban New York with my 10 year old boy, 8 year old girl and 5 year old boy, I also have a 19 year old girl and a 15 year old girl (I know, its a lot but I am happy) I personally believe that everyone should get married and have children and live a family life.

My sister and her husband do not think that, my sister was always different, she was always the one alone in the corner with a book or had her MP3 on all the time and seemed to take little interest in family, she is a journalist in Manhattan and she lives with her boyfriend who is a proprietary trader and they are both 34 years old and they just don't act it, they make a massive amount of money and instead of buying a family home and get married and have children they instead spend it on themselves, they live in a 2 storeyed, extravagant apartment in Manhattan, they drive motorcycles to work (they usually share one) and they go on holiday together all the time, they actually own an apartment in Paris and a Villa in St Lucia as well as a beach house in Malibu.

I would not mind there way of life if it did not effect the rest of the family, my sister has no time for us whatsoever, she rarely visits and always spends Christmas with her boyfriend's family, they never offer to babysit and when asked they refuse and when I do visit she seems bored and distant, but what has really bothered me is her patience with my own children, I'll be the first to admit that my children are not perfect but they are hardly bad children, in fact they are good kids, they just a little bouncy at times.

I brought my 5 year old boy and my 8 year old girl to my sister's apartment because we had been shopping and they were on their way out and instead of being gracious in cancelling their plans my sister said "I suppose we should invite them in, we can have Brunch tomorrow" and her boyfriend just sighed and said "okay then" and jogged upstairs not even acknowledging me or the children, so my children went off to play and they were just looking around and having a play with certain things and my sister or her boyfriend would tell them to stay away from every other thing, I mean my son went to a desk and accidently bumped some documents off the top and her boyfriend just went "for God's sake" and picked them up and when my kids asked for something to eat my sister just said "we don't have anything" even though they had loads of things the kids could snack on, and when my son went and grabbed the cat for a cuddle, my sister just took the cat from him saying he was being too rough (hardly) and then he cried and her boyfriend said to me "could you please keep him quiet"

In the end I got mad and yelled at them about how they were horrible with kids and they just shrugged back and said "that's why we don't have any, we like our lives as they are" I started to tell them how out of order they had been and my sister's boyfriend just said "please if you are going to be difficult, please leave" and he gave me money for a taxi and went back upstairs.

I just think their behaviour is out of order, I mean do you approve?

2

Um, are you for real?

To put it politely:
You feel everyone should live the way you do. You already have anger toward your sister for living her own life which is authentic to her and which she has worked hard for, whether you value it or not.
You barged in on relatives unannounced with the expectation that they should just stop what they are doing and feed your family. They reluctantly had you in, even though they made it VERY clear that they had plans.
You say you know they aren’t ‘kid people’ yet you brought your kids to their door?

They aren’t kid people and so they supposedly misinterpreted everything your kids did (which sounds a bit like they were out of hand to me-- my son doesn’t just knock something off a desk by looking at it, and it was someone else’s workspace), and then you yelled at them.

Wow.
How do they deal with you?

My guess is that this is really a troll post or you have been living in a very different reality from the rest of us for a while. But let’s just try it this way:

Phone call: “Hey sis, we’re in town. Is this a good time to come by?”
Sis: ‘Oh, sorry, we are heading out for a brunch.’
Done. NO conflict.
Etiquette: It’s what keeps us from all killing each other.
Knowledge is power. Use it. Manners.

3

You’re trying to force yourself and your children onto your sister and her boyfriend who’ve made it more than clear they are not interested in children and family time. They’ve told you no to babysitting, they don’t make an effort to get together and you drop by their doorstep and are actually annoyed at the way they behave toward you and your children?

No, I do not agree with it however they are the way they are. You are not going to change who they are and how they live their lives. They are not going to live up to your idea of what being an adult is. They’re obviously different from you and yours and you cannot expect it any other way. It is more than obvious that you are trying to hope them into being a certain way when they are, in fact, not that way.

Let them be. It will save you the heartache of having to go through something similar again. There’s no sense in trying to force things, family or not.

4

Wow, interesting first question.

Bottom line… The world does not revolve around you!

You have every right to live the way you choose to live just like everyone else has a right to their own choices!

I smell trip trap here…

5

hahaha. thanks for the laugh. arrive unannounced. with hungry kids in tow. and how dare they not babysit for you. oh god. thanks for the chuckle. life’s good.

6

Aren’t you glad that they chose not to have children?

Everyone has their own priorities in life. They chose not to have children because they wanted to have a different lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that at all. Not everyone has to have the same goals and expectations for life. You are upset that they do not babysit yet you readily admit how horrible they are with kids. They know that they do not like kids and choose not to babysit. Again, nothing wrong with knowing your own limitations.

You are angry that you showed up unannounced to their doorstop and they didn’t automatically want to cancel their plans to accommodate you and your children. You came into their home and essentially expected them to feed your kids and allowed them to run around in a manner that was making them uncomfortable. Not everyone is a kid person…their home is clearly not set up as a kid-friendly place.

You seem angry that they did not make the same choices that you made in life…

7

There are a couple of things going on in their favor here. They have a lifestyle you don’t understand and frankly, don’t want to understand. They are childless. They like it that way. To each his own.

Secondly, on one particular day, you stopped by (without notice) expected them to drop their plans, and then proceeded to get miffed because they didn’t feed your children and were irritated at the mess they made.

Truthfully, they sound horrid and they acted rudely. But you didn’t give them anything to enjoy about your visit.

8

Lord. You are a self centered BI***. You are lucky you get any time with her, and tolerates your holier then thou drivel. I would NEVER be around you, and rather contract the plague then deal with your crap. Geez. I approve of THEIR behavior. They are much more gracious then I would have been. Your children sound horrible, rude, and entitled. Good luck with that. They literally gave you money to leave!! I would have pushed your butts out the door and rejoiced in your departure.

Oh, and you are so painfully and amusingly jealous of them!!!

Just a few snippets from your post, in case you hilariously delete and huff away:

-“I personally believe that everyone should get married and have children and live a family life.”

-“they make a massive amount of money and instead of buying a family home and get married and have children they instead spend it on themselves”

  • "they never offer to babysit and when asked they refuse "

  • “they were on their way out and instead of being gracious in cancelling their plans”

-“In the end I got mad and yelled at them about how they were horrible with kids and they just shrugged back and said “that’s why we don’t have any, we like our lives as they are” I started to tell them how out of order they had been and my sister’s boyfriend just said “please if you are going to be difficult, please leave” and he gave me money for a taxi and went back upstairs.”

9

Of them, or you?

I approve of them. I like kids and I have kids and I still wouldn’t like it if you dropped in on me like that. You’re the rude one and I think you are hiding behind your kids but are secretly (or not so) jealous of their lifestyle. They aren’t kid people. You’re doing nothing to improve that.

Feed your kids. Call ahead. Take a hint. Teach your kids some manners. Maybe she doesn’t visit because you are rude, pick fights and don’t control your children.

He PAID you to go away. That should tell you something.

10

Well, not everyone likes children (obviously).

Was their behavior hurtful? Of course it was. She is after all your sister and it is normal to expect her to be catering to your kids. At the very least you want her to be tolerant. I honestly would be hurt too.

As to whether their behavior is out of order, I would have to say no. These are people who have a low tolerance for children and what they do. It would be different if they had children and treated their own differently than they did yours. They have admitted on not wanting kids and not planning on having them. They already know they would not want their own so obviously, they would not want other people’s kids.

These are the type of people I would never ask to babysit. And when you ask, that is what you do, you ask. You don’t expect or feel hurt if she refuses.

You may want to build a relationship with your sister where it is just you and her if that’s possible. You may be happy with your lifestyle but she probably is happy with hers as well. You need some common ground to reconnect as sisters. I suggest a lunch with just the two of you. Maybe you’ll find that she is not as distant as you thought…just not child friendly. Maybe she’ll also realize that you being a mom to your brood of kids is not a summation of who you are but a part of who you are. Maybe you can find something in common or simply just enjoy each other without frowning at each other’s choice of lifestyles.

11

Sounds like you are trying to force a relationship with a family member you have nothing in common with. I mean I know she’s your sister but come on. If you are not close enough to already have a relationship where she appreciates a drop in and wants to spend holidays etc, why are you trying to pretend that relationship exists by dropping by and thinking they’ll roll out the red carpets? This kind of reaction can’t be new so you should know better than to expect something that you’ve never experienced before.

This sounds SO much like that other long drawn out question about the brother-in-law with the sister who died in childbirth or whatever. Any relation to them?

12

Is he the husband or the boyfriend? You are not consistent!

13

I call troll.

14

I think you’re kind of selfish. I mean, family life is what you love, it’s not what your sister loves. And, yeah, if I was your sister and you showed up unannounced, you’d be lucky if I let you and the kids in when I was on my way out. It’s extremely rude to show up without a call and expect someone to entertain you because you and your kids are in the area.

Your sister is happy childless, you need to respect her decision. I have people constantly asking when I’m going to have more kids like it’s any of their damn business what I do with my own uterus.

Your children are your responsibility, not your sister’s. It’s not selfish of her not to want to babysit, it’s selfish of you to assume she will just because she’s your sister. Perhaps your attitude is the reason she doesn’t want to come around for family get togethers.

15

I’m sorry, mama, but you’re in the wrong here. Instead of bringing little kids to a place that is NOT at all for kids, you should have brought the 15 and 19 year olds. These people do NOT know how to take care of kids. You are trying to force your point of view about procreation and understanding children when these people aren’t interested in procreating and don’t know squat about kids. Why on earth would you want people who know nothing about kids to babysit them? Would you put them in a daycare setting with someone who had absolutely NO experience? Why would it being your sister make it any different?

You don’t want a loving relationship with your sister and her boyfriend. You don’t even care if your kids have one. You just want to wield your mother-power against them. Quite frankly, they are probably very tired of your holier-than-thou attitude overall, and against them in particular.

The thing that really jumps out at me is that you are their biggest example why NOT to have kids.

As far as the cat is concerned, they know their cat. It’s not used to kids and they are smart to remove the cat. My son petted a woman’s cat who bit his hand and we were within an hour of the ER doctor’s “window” for IV antibiotics instead of just oral ones. He also had to get a painful tetanus booster. We were lucky he didn’t spend the night in the hospital. God knows what you’d be saying here if the cat had bitten or scratched your child and you ended up having to take him to the hospital…

You have your child centered life. They have their career centered life. Stop these preconceived notions of how other people are supposed to live their lives and live your OWN.

16

Sorry, but I find it ridiculous that you are judging them for not making your life choices. It is HER life. Get off your high horse. Her life choices only affect your life because YOU make it that way. She is a loner and always has been according to you. She is single and loving it.

You dropped in on her, expected her to change her plans and she’s the rude one? Really?

YOU are jealous and need to back off.

17

You love your life, she loves hers. She admits children are not her thing. Can’t force your life on her. You are different, just accept it.

18

I love them!!!

How dare you assume that just because marriage and family are a good fit for you that they are a good fit for everyone? Your sister has made no bones about what she values in life. She doesn’t value the same things you do. She doesn’t want your life. She has the life she wants and she likes it. Who the hell are you to sit back and judge her and her boyfriend? You’re the one who is obnoxious and out of line. She didn’t invite you over, you barged in to her lovely, non-kid-friendly apartment and expected her to host you, which is rude and presumptuous.

You need to get over yourself and let her live her own life while you live yours. Leave her alone.

19

Really? You came over unannounced with your kids and you are mad because they didn’t cater to you and your kids? You are mad because your kids were getting into their stuff and they didn’t like that? They don’t have kids because they don’t want kids. Why would you WANT them to babysit your kids? They are not the type I would ever have sit my kids. You actually sound like a jealous brat in this post. Sorry, but you’re in the wrong here.

20

They are not out of order.
They are pretty clear about what they want and what they don’t want.
Family life is not for them.
At least they know it and acknowledge it.
Now all YOU need to do is accept it.
Don’t involve your kids with them - period - for your kids own good.
Aunt and Uncle might warm up to them once the kids are college age, but they have zero zip nada interest in child rearing or kids at all.

Have dinner with them if you want to but leave the kids with a sitter when you do.
Or don’t bother with your sister and her husband at all - I’m sure they won’t mind.

Having kids is great for you, but it’s not for everyone.
Quit judging and projecting your beliefs onto them.