i am no longer willing to make my marriage work/tolerable. my husband is disrespectful and derogatory to me infront of our daughter to the point she is now telling me some things he says to me when she is angry. i fear that he will run back to ca (we live in washington) with our daughter when i tell him im leaving. this will be an ugly separation in court as he will try and prove me as an ill fit mother. its not my goal to prove him as a bad parent. though he will probably get every-every other weekend and alternate holidays. i want him to be in her life just not fully in mine.
he thinks im over reacting that hes not part of the problems in our marriage. its been atleast 3 years of suffering for me and i am trying to keep it together and i dont think i can last much longer. hes not just rude to me hes rude to everyone. his parents my family our child. yet its everyone else with the problem.
yes i do have my own account. he does not have access to it and was angry that i wouldnt put him on it. i pay the electric bill and half the phone bill and half our rent. he covers everything else because he makes more money. he also opened another account for just him out of retaliation to the fact i wouldnt put him on my personal account. the only reason i opened my own account was so we could actually use the money for needed things (food clothes etc) or it would have gone to the over draft fees in the joint account.
his excuse is that hes stressed. he doesnt know stress. stress is having to figure out how to feed your child on 40 dollars for 2 weeks because he couldnt be bothered to get the rent out of the joint account that im not alowed to touch with out his permission.
i understand that the first year being on our own is hard. i get that i moved with the thought and knowing burned into my brain. he on the other hand thought he was going to get this awesome job and that everything was going to be sunshine and rainbows and its not. this is also my fault because i dont have a better job and didnt get a second job. he refuses to attempt to get a second job yet im supposed to just pawn our child off on my family so i can work two jobs to please him. i cant do that because she needs one constant parent in her life.
oh my back to my question now- since we rent a place from my grandma who should move out. there is a vacant place next door he could rent. like i said i dont want him to not be in my daughters life. if he moves back to california it will be hard for him to see her. also would you divorce or legally separate? he no longer appriciates me and i no longer appriciate him. we dont get along and its not healthy for anyone involved. nothing i do is ever right and he is the shining star.
i am looking for suggestions. not people saying i should have left years ago. this is a hard decision for me because it doesnt just affect me it affects my child.
thea s. i am well aware of washingtons laws and regulations. you can legally separate here or have a divorce. i have been reading up on it since before we moved here. you say that i need to get real like this is an easy decision. its not. theres my childs emotional well being at stake. i will not look like a pompous ass infront of a judge demanding everything he has. i will be however writing out a detailed separation agreement that is more then fair for the both of us. everything gets split he can keep his money i would only ask for child support. if the court feels he needs to pay matenance then thats their choice. im leaving the money and custody up to the courts that way its said and done and no one gets to whine about the choice.
Get all your ducks in a row FIRST… before you even tell him Jacy.
Get advice from an Attorney.
DOCUMENT everything per scenario that you anticipate him accusing you of.
Document everything… don’t tell him or show it to him.
Have you both gone to counseling?
I imagine he wouldn’t want to.
Research ALL the different types of “custody.” Because, there are different types. Google search “types of child custody.”
Get all this information and get all your ducks in a row.
You both live at YOUR Grandma’s. So I would think he, has to move out.
Divorce or separate? Who knows. But see how either scenario would impact you and your daughter and financially and per taxes etc. and custody.
And, no matter what you decide, your daughter might need some therapy as well to help her transition through this.
I know a woman who went through a divorce, and she is a professional Therapist herself. But, she got her 2 kids (who were toddlers at that time), some professional therapy to help them through the changes, when she got divorced. Because as a Mom, she could only do so much. She said that getting her kids therapy/counseling was the best decision she did for them. It helped them a lot.
Are you sure he will want to move back to CA? Yes, it’s best for him to be in her life.
In the best scenario, he will not be a jerk about this, because then it can happen smoothly without a lot of court costs. It doesn’t have to be an expensive process. My ex and I pretty much agreed on everything and there were zero court costs, and the divorce only cost $300, so it’s possible for this not to be a huge hassle. It doesn’t sound like either of you can afford attorneys, so I don’t know where he would think the money for them would come from.
I think you start by separating. Don’t go straight to divorce. It will make things much more complicated.
Do you have family support? Get your ducks in a row. If you work, why is he the only one who has access to the bank account?
First of all - open your own bank account, and start depositing your pay check in it. He has absolutely no right to dictate your access to the money.
Others can give you more advice. It won’t be easy, but be strong. Don’t argue with him, just tell him how it’s going to be. I’ve found that works best with a lot of men.
Sorry you’re going through this.
p.s. - You might be surprised that he won’t fight you for primary custody of your child. Kids are a lot of work, and he might prefer his freedom.
As a young child YOUR child is learning a lot from watching your life.
She is learning how a man should treat her as she gets older. Right now she is learning that a man shouldn’t work much, doesn’t pay the bills, is rude and disrespectful to his wife and his family, and is an all around loser. That is the kind of man she will gravitate towards if you do not leave. Sounds great, right?
She is learning how she should ALLOW a man to treat her. He should be able to walk all over her, he should be able to completely control the funds that come into the house, he should be able to be rude and disrespectful.
You don’t want that for her and I completely understand WHY you want to leave.
And you should.
Whether or not HE decides to go back to California is not on you. Whether or not he decides that he wants to be involved in her life is NOT on you.
Just because he is the “sperm” that made this child does not mean that he is a good father and deserves to be in her life.
You do what you need to do for you and your daughter. If he truly loves his daughter and wants to be a part of her growing up he will stay, if he doesn’t he will leave. Good riddance.
Laura
Before you do anything, you need to retain a lawyer that can help you step by step.
EDIT: I had more, but there’s a lot more to your specific situation than you’re sharing here. Something pinged so I checked your posting history. You manage to portray yourself as a victim a lot of the time without sharing just how much of an antagonist in the situation you really can be. It seems that you’ve wanted to get out of this marriage for quite a long time since you haven’t thought well of your husband since long before you forced him to move to a place where he didn’t know anyone or have any family at all. Of course he’s grumpy and will want to move back home.
If you’re going to divorce him, then retain a lawyer and don’t mess around. Be honest about your mistakes and his and be fair about custody. If he wants to move back to be with family, then you should move too so that your child can have both of her parents. You can be good parents apart from each other even if you can’t be a good couple.
Talk to a divorce attorney. In most states (each state has different laws) he has nothing to prove you are an unfit mother. As long as you don’t drink to excess or do drugs or abuse your child, he doesn’t have any thing to bring up. You however do have some evidence if him being unfit. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, the courts do not like abusive men.
No matter what he says you have the right to take money from a joint account. He cannot stop you from buying groceries and other necessary items.
He is playing a very common game with you. This behavior is abuse. He blames you for eveything that is wrong. He withholds money. He insults you. It’s all part of the power and control struggle. He demeans you to tear down your self confidence the more he can tear you down the more pwoerful he feels.
Take back your power. Find a good divorce attorney and kick him to the curb.
I had a plan before I left. We were living in Germany at the time. We had tried marriage counseling, it worked for a short period of time and then he was back to his old ways.
I had no family support locally - but I had friends who supported me.
I had money in place.
I found an apartment, put the deposit down and moved in in January. I told him Christmas day I wanted a divorce. No, it wasn’t the “best” time - however - he kept pushing the subject and I asked him to wait - he didn’t want to. So I told him - I’m done. I want a divorce. He was a tad shell-shocked as he didn’t think I would do it while we were living overseas.
I had already spoken to JAG and found out what I needed in order to divorce him overseas. My parents went to the court house by where we lived when we got married and got the paperwork, mailed the paperwork to me. We each had a JAG representative review the paperwork and we signed it.
I would contact an attorney FIRST - find out the state laws for Washington and whether or not there are custody restrictions on him leaving the state. find out if you will receive alimony and what child support will be as well.
I also made sure I had things for my apartment. Bought things like a bed, couch, etc. prior to my telling him. I had known for about 3 months I was done - maybe more - really - but I knew I had had enough. I had put things like small kitchen appliances, silverware, etc. on lay away at the BX - so when I left - I didn’t have to worry about a huge expenditure for my new place.
Make sure you get counseling for yourself and your daughter. She needs to know that no one is perfect and what he was doing was not right. Set the example of how a marriage is supposed to be. Show her that you deserve better.
You need to talk to an attorney. It seems like you have a lot of ideas in your mind about how things will play out, but you’re not basing it on anything real. You have no idea whether “he will probably get every-every other weekend and alternate holidays.” That would either be something to two of you stipulate to (both agree) or family court will have to decide. FYI If he wants more time than that, he’s almost certain to get it. Most attorneys will have a consultation meeting with you before you need to put the on a retainer and they can give you all the information you need to move forward.
The other thing is that in most states there is no such thing as legally separating other than the time between filing for divorce and a divorce being finalized. If you want to legally separate, you file for divorce. If you don’t want to finalize your divorce (why?) you don’t have to.
As for your individual accounts, when it comes time to settle your divorce, it won’t matter who’s name was on the account. You can deny eachother access to the actual accounts, but when it comes time to divvy stuff up, that money (as of the day you say you’re leaving) goes into the pot like all the rest and gets counted by the courts when calculating debts and assets.
If you’re serious about leaving your marriage, you need to get real, legal, advice and then talk to your husband. There is no way you can accurately predict what will happen without getting some real information and initiating the process.
You seem to have a very optimist view of how this will proceed. He can just as easily petition the court for full custody and legally take your daughter back to California where he is from. There is no telling where the court will rule.
As I remember you insisted on the move knowing he didn’t have a job. You only moved there five months ago. He does have the ability to show you as the unstable partner. Don’t go in thinking you will say this is how it is and the court will just take your word. He has more hard facts on his side.
I would make time with him and tell him beforehand you want to talk about your future as a couple. Then take your daughter to grandma’s or somewhere else. Then sit face to face and talk to him about how unhappy you are and that you want to make changes in your life. Does he want to be part of that life? If so then discuss what changes you BOTH need to make and how you can work through all the issues. Take them one at a time and work together on the goals. If he says he does not want to be part of them ask him if he wants a divorce or legal separation. Go forward from there and decide what the outcome is. This should be a time of discussing but it will likely get out of control and anger will force an argument so try to remain calm no matter what is discussed. He is a person with feelings and needs too. He may feel abandoned and unloved too.
I suggest you research some things beforehand. How will you be able to support your child and yourself on your income only. There isn’t much chance of getting child support if he has joint custody or her in his care for even 50% of the time. Don’t do joint custody. It’s not a good idea unless you have the absolute means to support yourself and your child within a standard of living that is good and able to give her all her needs and most of her wants.
Then find out from an attorney what the laws pertaining to separation are in your state. It may be that he needs his hiney kicked with this and he might figure out what he actually wants for his own future. Does he even want to stay married to you? Who knows. He may be wanting out of this marriage as much as you do.
Then I suggest you find a support group or some sort of therapy place where you can go for a couple of months that will help you decide if this is truly what you want in the long run for your child and for yourself. It has such long term effects on kids that it’s not something that should be jumped into with out a lot of pondering and prayer.
If the marriage is not savable then going to a hotel for a few days until you can file will be necessary. If he doesn’t want the marriage to be over then he may refuse to move out and if he’s on the lease of has his name on any utility it is his legal residence and you may not be able to make him move or even leave if the police are called. Grandma won’t have a say since you are paying her rent. A renter has different rights.
I would file for legal separation then if I could afford it I would take the child and move to a hotel until I could find a very inexpensive apartment to rent on a 6 month lease. Next door is too close for comfort and physically he’ll just be too close to miss you guys and figure out if he wants to change any.
Get an attorney.
Time to walk the walk.
An attorney will take the emotion out if the decisions and look out for your best interests.
Why on earth are you thinking he can get you declared unfit?
Is that his scare tactic?
He has every parental right you do, I’m sorry. He has every right to file for full custody, same as you do, in which case YOU will be paying HIM child support.
Please go for a consult, ok? You are taking shots in the dark about how it will be until you do. As are WE giving you advice are also taking shots in the dark.
You put up with a lot for a long time. Do it right when you make your split. Go talk to a free legal aid advice person and see if they can help you start putting things together for your future.
Hi Jacy,
I left my husband on new years 2003. I had separated from him 3 times. I took him back because of our son the first time, i took him back the second time because of religion you don’t get a divorce, and the third time I had no reasons to take him back. I had the house we lived in in my name alone. I stocked up on food and household supplies for months I hired a lawyer and got custody taken care and support done. Here in our state the first person who filed for custody had an advantage. The divorce was not final for more than a year. My husband was an alcoholic he worked 20-30 hours a week and was a mommy’s boy always at his mom’s house. They threatened me with being unfit. If you have the necessities to raise your child this should not be a problem. You need a bed for her, food in your cupboards and income to support her. I had been living separate from my husband for about a year before I asked him to leave. We slept in different rooms and spent non-work time separately doing only things with our son together. The emotional health of your daughter can be helped with counseling . Don’t mean you’re crazy just you don’t have all the answers to her questions. Like why can’t daddy be here, why can’t you live with daddy, why did daddy move away from me, why can’t I see daddy more?/??? It really helps to take time to talk to someone whose not involved in you situation. it’s also a night out. our counselor was 16 miles away so we had dinner out while over there. Hope this helps and good luck. Keep doing for your child what you have been and the unfit part will go unfounded. Best of everything. Holly
Sweetie… People aren’t saying ‘get real’ to be mean. But because at least half of your plan ISN’T real. Kinda like non-parents talking about how they will parent. There are some hard truths that you’re missing
The courts only rule on money & custody if there’s a dispute. They don’t decide. You have to ask for it. Or you don’t get it. And unless he agrees, even if you ask, you usually won’t get it.
In Washington:
I2) If he wants 50/50 custody… He’ll get it. Period. My ex is an ADMITTED abusive & neglectful practicing alcoholic. But as long as he attends AA (no proof, just his say so) and did a weekend anger management seminar… He has my son every other week. He’s put him in the hospital, denied his meds, and a whole lotta other things. And there is jack all I can do about it. I’m lucky though. A lot of kids here have it worse / at least my ex isn’t evil ALL the time. Abusive parents in WA get half custody of their kids if they want it. And a lot of kids are killed by those parents. Just this year a social wotker was killed by one of those parents. Not knowing about diapers or bathtime? Not even on the courts radar. They could care less. They care about PROVABLE abuse. And since WA is a ‘consent’ state, even if you have video of a parent beating their kid… It cannot be used to alter custody. The parent has to either consent to be filmed, or admit to the abuse (and then refuse the 3 hours of counseling to get custody “back”). Even if they admit, though, they usually have half custody back in a few weeks.
This is why I stayed with my exhusband for so many years. I was trying to protect my son from him by staying (until he fractured my skull and I had to divorce him).
Every other weekend is not the norm here.
Similarly… Unless there’s a huge income disparity… Because 50/50 custody is the norm, child support is not normally awarded.
Maintenance is extremely rare (10+ years of marriage as a bare minimum, and that’s for 1-2 years of spousal support, tops).
The Parenting Plan is NOT “how” one parents. Its time and money (who gets the kids when, and who pays for what & how much that costs). Alternating holidays, medical coverage, etc.
Yes, you are right - it does affect your child…thus divorce him asap. A child does not need to see their father call their mom derogatory names and all of that. Many live in denial thinking that they will stay together for the kids – worst mistake you can make (and I know, as I was there in your shoes). I would have a PLAN before you bring up anything - so he cannot do something out of revenge or to retaliate. So speak to a lawyer - forget the separation, go for the divorce, no point to do one, just do it all right away - will save money rather than having to do everything twice. You do NOT move out of your grandmother’s house !! No way, kick him out - if he wants to go to CA, let him. Have maybe someone else around when you give him the news (and your daughter not around to hear) - so he won’t do something crazy. Stay safe, and act promptly after you plan this out… good luck, you will be so much happier once this is all behind you.
