Holding kids back - any regrets?

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1

We are considering holding our son back and putting him in kindergarten when he is 6 years (and two months) rather than 5 years, 2 months. Academically, he is more than ready. He's also good socially and good at following instructions, behaving in a classroom, etc. But, there is something about his personality that makes him seem young (more fragile? more in need of love? hard to describe). His preschool teacher says its a tough call, but she would probably keep him back a year, and her opinion holds a lot of weight with us.

The few people I've talked with who have held their kids back have been happy with their decision. I'm wondering, is there anyone out there who regrets holding their child back, and if so, why?

My concerns, if we do hold him back are:
1) Will he be bored academically? He can already read, add/subtract, and do other kindergarten skills -- and he's 4. By six, maybe kindergarten will be way too easy??
2) Will he feel weird being one of the oldest in his class? He could potentially be a year and two months older than some classmates if we hold him back. I suspect kids like being oldest while in elementary school, but I could see that changing in middle or high school.

2

Your friends, are their kids adults? I can tell you there were several kids in my older kid’s classes that were held back, some two years. Two of them dropped out of high school, one barely graduated, one did amazing but she would have done amazing in her own grade as well.

Purely anecdotal but high school and college seems to be the great leveler. I wouldn’t do it because I would be afraid my kids would be bored.

3

He is 4 which means he is a young 4 right now.. You would be amazed how much they grow right before 5. Emtionally.

I am not understanding why this is a discussion right now.. school will not be starting for at least a year? I think this is better to be discussing July next year.

4

So you really didn’t hold him back then? You are just not going to start him until he is getting ready to turn 6 rather than 5. I made that decision with my oldest and it was the best decision ever! She made the cut off date for age but that would have meant she was the youngest in her class and she was ready in all aspects, but she was so young. I didn’t hold her back, i just didn’t start her until she was turning 6. She seems to think i held her back and she tells everyone that. “my mom held me back”. No I didn’t because you never started K at age 5, you started at age 5.5. I would def do it!

5

That’s not “holding back” in my opinion. That’s just waiting to start kindergarten. I am a strong believer in the decision is based on the individual child and there is no blanket right or wrong answer. We decided to wait with my now-junior in high school and I think it was one of the best parenting decisions we’ve ever made. He was ready academically at age 5, but not socially or emotionally. Yes, there were some times he was a little bored in school, but not enough to have regretted our decision. There were just so many other positives in our case. He was in our district’s gifted and talented program and that helped. He is now a very high-achieving HS student.

You have plenty of time to make this decision and you can see how he matures/progresses in the next 9 months or so. In our district you can decide right up until school starts. We decided in mid-August for an after Labor Day school start. At the time we made our decision we had him enrolled in two different preschool programs and kindergarten to cover all of our bases. There was no penalty to withdrawing him from the kindergarten registration. As part of our decision-making we talked to our son’s preschool teachers and the principal of the school where he was to attend kindergarten.

We have NO regrets, but it really just depends on the kid. One of my pet peeves when we were going through the process was complete strangers telling me what to do. I thought–you don’t know my kid! So I don’t tell people what to do, I just tell them about our experience and how it worked out for us.

Oh, and our son does not feel weird as one of the oldest in his class. I actually thinks he kind of likes it. A lot of kids, especially boys, waited until age 6 to start kindergarten so he has friends and classmates his age. Also, our son is small so even though he’s one of the oldest he’s never looked it. Good luck!

6

Where we are you can start kindergarten if you are 5 yrs old on or before Sep 30.
Our son’s birthday is end of Oct.
So when he started he was 5 yrs and 10 months and he turned 6 only a few months in.
He’s almost always the oldest and tallest in his class.
The only exceptions are if there are any earlier Oct birthdays and they are few.
It’s really worked out well for him.
It’s easy to get bored academically - but they have a lot to learn about social skills and working with other kids.

Where we grew up, you had to be 5 yrs old on or before Dec 31st.
So my sister started kindergarten at 4 yrs old and she turned 5 early Oct.
Academically she had few problems but she was a mess when it came to working/playing with others.
I think our Mom should have had her wait a year - it would have worked out better at all her grade levels to have had a bit more maturity under her belt.

7

No matter what you do you need to know the age cut-off for entering Kindergarten for the school he will be attending.

So will your son be turning 7 in Kindergarten, if you hold him back?

In my State per public school, kids enter Kinder per a cut-off date. Kindergarten is for kids who will be or are, 5. Thus, some kids enter at 4 then turn 5. Or enter at 5 then turn 6, while in Kindergarten.
IF a child is say 6 already and will turn 7… then that child is entered into 1st grade. UNLESS, the parent requests that their child enter into Kinder at that age.

Being the “oldest” in class… is not always something that all kids like.
It is a generalization.
I work at my kids’ school and see kids in all grades through 5th grade, that were retained or entered into Elementary at a later age.
It does not automatically make a kid better or more adapted or more mature.
Academic ability and social maturity, is also 2 different things.

As far as this year, quite bluntly… I see NO difference at all… in the kids that were retained, or entered into Kinder at an older age per maturity or academics.
They are not necessarily more mature or socially better, just because they are “older.” And not always academically, better.

Also, if a kid is older and is the oldest… in the later grades say from 4th grade… they will be hitting puberty and bodily changes, ahead, of their classmates. So think about that aspect too.

I know of a couple of 5th graders, that were retained, and well, they are or will be 12. Meanwhile, the rest of their grade level, is either 10 or will be 11 years old. And these boys are “older” and bigger and it is visually, apparent. And they are not more mature nor academically better or more “confident” just because they were retained. And YES they know they are the OLDEST in their 5th grade, and so do all of the other classmates. One of the boys is already getting “pimples” on his face.

Any kid/person, has a personality.
If a kid is tenderhearted, having them enter school older/later, will not make that go away.
Your son seems socially fine.
But you say he is “fragile.”
Well, I see lots of kids, from Kinder to 5th grade, that are that way. They are just, perhaps sensitive or more feeling oriented.
Fine. But a kid also learns resilience and about adapting. And with a parents guidance, they also learn about life’s situations and how to manage their reactions/speaking up/knowing their own cues and following their instincts.
It is not only age related or per “when” a kid enters school. It is also how a child’s personality along WITH the parent’s guidance… learns how to adapt. Gain resilience etc.
It is multifaceted.
Not just about age.

I have 2 kids, a boy and girl. Both are late born.
They both entered into Kindergarten in the Fall- the start of the school year- per school cut-offs, and were 4 years old then turned 5 in Kindergarten, a couple of months after school started.
And they both did fine.
They are both different individuals, and they both did fine. And are fine now, even in their respective grades, both socially and academically.

8

I regret it. They/3 girls, were bored in class cause they knew alot going in. As my kids got older in Jr. High and High School, they didn’t click with younger peers. They felt they were too boy crazy or too much drama. You wouldn’t think a year older could make that much difference but it does. My kids even challenged the teacher if they saw the teacher belittling a student.

9

Yes, he’ll be bored and act out.

Children should start kindergarten when they are a full 5 years old. That way they enter their senior year of high school at 17 and turn 18 during that year. Otherwise they drop out as soon as they turn 18 and see they have a whole year more and they just want to be an adult and move out on their own, so they drop out.

He’ll spurt up when he gets a little older and he’ll be a head taller than anyone else in his class. He’ll be self conscious and hate himself for what his body is doing.

I think this fad of holding kids back for no other reason than they might flunk kindergarten is not a good reason. I really don’t think there is any reason to hold a child back unless they are absolutely flunking the work and totally unable to do it. I do think that before this option is even considered that child needs to go to summer school are really try to catch up and have more specialized one on one with a teacher over that time period.

Keep your child with his classmates, let him be with all the other kids that are his age, all the other kids that are 5 will be in this class.

10

Here, one of our head start programs (pre-K) also has a few kindergarten classes for kids on the bubble of being ready. Look into your school system and see of there isn’t something comparable. Or look at charter schools that will have smaller student to teacher ratios. Otherwise he will be bored.

11

If he’s that advanced academically when he’s six, you can put him straight into first grade. Kindergarten is not required - don’t let them tell you it is. Kids are not required to attend school until they are six and they CAN go straight to first grade.

12

ETA: Coincidentally, my husband just sent me this article: Youngest Kid, Smartest Kid? | The New Yorker

I really, really, really do not think you should hold your son back. He is socially and academically ready for school, therefore, he should be in school. Kindergarten - not preschool.

If he’s not emotionally ready, that is more likely a matter of his personality and isn’t going to change a whole lot in a year. He’s just a more sensitive kind of kid and there’s nothing wrong with that! We can’t all be leaders (or followers), we can’t all be outgoing (or introverted), we can’t all be anything - we need a mix of all types of people. So, if your son is the type who needs a little more TLC, he’ll get it.

Kindergarten is designed for five year olds, not six year olds. Your son will be five and two months. Please send him to school.

13

No regrets.We gave my oldest an extra year for medical and social challenges. We gave our middle son an extra year because his early trauma causes him to have anxiety in new situations.

Many of the other kids from my oldest son’s pre-K classes are in the same school as him now. They are fine. They are not bored - or any more bored than they would have been anyway. They are not bigger than the other kids. In fact, the biggest, most athletic kid in his class is one of the youngest kids. The “smartest” kid is one of the youngest kids. People who think otherwise are going off assumptions, not facts.

This is an individual choice and should be based on your sense of what your son needs. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Elementary is much different than it used to be, and honestly, if you think holding off is a good idea, it probably is.

14

My son turned 5 one day after the cut off. We had to wait a whole year before he got to go to school. So, he went at 6.
A LOT of boys in his class had summer birthdays and their parents waited to put them in school. Within 2 months 75% of his class was 6.
It was GREAT.
He is now in 5th grade and just today we got his results in state testing. The boy is advanced in every subject he tested.
He is challenged in class, has been every year, and he sounds a lot like your son. Truthfully I was a bit worried that he would be a lot more advanced then the other kids also, and it just wasn’t the case. Sure, he was academically farther ahead, but he certainly needed that extra time to socially be ready.
We were opposite of you. His preschool teacher said he should go to school “early” as did his doctor. But, after talking with my Aunt who is a 2nd grade teacher, SHE told me to think about jr. high and high school. Do I want my son to be the oldest (first to get drivers license, first to get girlfriend, later curfew) or did I want him to be younger than everyone? I wanted him to be oldest.
We have not had any issues and I wouldn’t change my decision for anything.
Laura

15

I personally wish we could have put my daughter in school earlier or skip her forward a grade.
Her birthday is a month or so after the cut off, so she had to wait a whole nother year to start.
Last year (1st grade) she was BORED!
Like didn’t want to go to school, tummy aches, faking sick, bored.
Complained all of the time that the work was too easy.
They would give her a packet of homework that she was supposed to do a little each night over the week and tunr in on Fridays,
she ALWAYS finished it in one or two days, tops.

I would say if you are even a little bit worried he might get bored because he will know it all already, put him in, don’t hold him back.

When I moved as a kid, I went from a private school education to a public school education.
My private school was WAY behind on basic things and I was forced to retake 5th grade.
I HATED being older than everyone.
It felt like I was constantly having to explain it so people did not think I was stupid.

Just my opinion.

16

Absolutely no regrets. My son met the cut off by 11 days, yet we felt it would be in his best interest to wait another year. He was also bright, had been to preschool and knew a lot (colors, letters, numbers, etc.) But it just didn’t seem right to put him in when he was 4 turning 5. So we waited the extra year. Turns out he was diagnosed with adhd in kindergarten. He has struggled in reading but now does great. He still struggles with spelling. He’s in 3rd grade now and I’ve never questioned our decision.

My 4 year old daughter shares his birthday. My husband already feels she will be ready next year when she is 4 turning 5. He feels there is no need to wait the extra year. I’m still unsure.

Only you know what is best for your son. If the preschool teacher shares your concern, then that should help the decision. Good luck!

17

I have two children with late summer birthdays so they each went to school a whole year later than they needed to. My eldest is bright. She didn’t learn anything new in kindergarten other than what school actually is and how to interact within the system. She is also an extremely emotional child, she always has been. Her maturity level isn’t the greatest right now but it’s a work in progress. Fragile children should be in school so that hopefully they can acclimate to school life. I would send your son to school.

18

My son has a July birthday and we did not hold him back. He started K when he was 5 years and 2 months like your son. I have no regrets to start him on time at all. He did great. He was also the shortest in the class, but he was able to keep up socially and academically. He is now in 1st grade and is doing great. It’s your choice, but if he is ready socially and academically, then I don’t see why you would hold him back

19

I am so glad you asked this question! My youngest turned four in mid-August. He just started preschool last month (his first school experience). I have strong concerns that he won’t be ready for kindergarten next year. I will hold him back if his preschool teacher recommends it, but I wonder how it will affect him being the oldest in the class. I’m glad to hear that it’s more common than I thought.

20

There were a couple of older kids in high school and they were pretty popular because they could drive before the rest of us and they could buy liquor for the rest of us (Canadian drinking age is 18). Might not exactly be what you want for him…