Holding a child back from kindergarten

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1

Hello moms~

My husband and I are having a tough time deciding what the best option is for our son in the fall. His birthday is late July (turning 5) and I was just assuming we'd send him to kindergarten. However, after talking with some other local parents, it seems to be a trend to hold kids (especially late summer boys) back a year. I think that academically he is ready...he speaks very intelligently, can read short words, does very simple math. But socially, he's a shy kid. Always needs extra time warming up to a crowd/at parties. He's been attending preschool for a year now and is doing well, although he's kind of clung on to a couple of the other boys and doesn't socialize much outside his "gang". He also has confidence issues. tends to give up on things that he doesn't feel like he's good at. (I'll take advice on improving perseverance too :) ) He's a little on the smaller side too (30-40 percentile for weight) so my husband thinks he'll always be picked last during gym class...gotta appreciate the man's opinion!! So...any advice??

If you have held your child back, any regrets? Were they "bored" at any point because the education was too basic for them? Or did this help them excel? Did they ever feel too old/big for their class? what did you do in that year? The preschool he's at has a kindergarten program, so we'd likely enroll him in that so technically he'd have 2 years of it...

If you didn't hold your late summer born child back, any regrets? Did they have a hard time catching up (physically/socially) to the others? Did it affect their self confidence?

I myself am an August baby, went to school at barely 5 and was also a shy kid. I survived, but question if it would've helped me at the time to be older!! Again, I would've never even thought about doing it, but If everyone else is doing it?!? I know we're kind of screwing up the age system, but of course I'm thinking of my child's best interests!!!!

I'd appreciate any feedback on your experiences, positive or negative about these summer born kids! Or any teacher's perspectives too. At least my next boy is a March kid!! :)

THANKS in advance!!!

2

What do your son’s preschool teachers think?

My son turns 5 in June and I had similar concerns, but his preschool teachers have assured me that he is ready. He’s very similar to how you’ve described your son, except my son’s above the 50th percentile for weight and height.

“Red shirting” is common, but there isn’t much evidence to suggest that kids benefit from it. On the contrary, I read an article (I think in the NY Times, or the WSJ, or some other credible source) that says that the younger/smaller kids tend to do better because they push themselves harder to compete with their peers.

I’m an October baby, so one of the older kids in my class, yet I was also one of the shy ones. That’s my personality; not my age. My 3rd son just turned 3, so when he goes to Kindergarten in a few years he’ll be one of the younger ones, yet, socially, he’s very outgoing and prefers to hang out with older kids. He keeps up with them.

3

I wouldn’t hold him back. Who cares what everyone else is doing to coddle their children? It sounds like school is just what he needs to gain some confidence and independence.

4

I honestly think it depends on the boy child. (or any child).
My friends and I have been talking about this lately. Many, many of my friends are teachers or are retired teachers and Principals. We look back and recall what we have observed.

Can he pay attention through a story book without interrupting. If craziness is going on around him can he keep his hands to himself and stay out of the shenanigans?

Can you leave him alone to play by himself for more than 5 minutes? 8 Minutes? 10 minutes?

Can he watch a movie in the theater without talking, without having to get out of his seat?

Can you give him 3 instructions at one time and he complete them without having to be reminded?

Our daughter attended kindergarten and graduated from High school with boys that were new 5 year olds in kinder, that were very bright and did great and graduated with honors from high school at the age of 17 or young 18 year olds.

She also graduated with some boys that were 6 years old in kinder held back and they ended up dropping out, because they got into other things, since they were older. They drove earlier than the kids in their classes (sophomores in HS) , and got bored with the younger people in their classes. I can see how their individual personalities were a big part of this.

I also recall them in kindergarten and nothing really stood out at the time to indicate how they may turn out, except the involvement of the parents.

The parents that were informed and took suggestions from the school, their young boys did great.

The Parents that acted like their sons could do no wrong, those were the exact young boys that got into drugs, got into mischief and acted up in class. Their parents were so defensive, they enabled their kids to get away with whatever. They just always seemed to feel like their children were being picked on by the schools. It did not matter the ages.

One other thing, is the bigger boys, vs a young boy that is going to develop later, will also have a bit of a time in middle school or High school, unless he is very, very bright.

Ask the father of your son, “how tall were you in 8th grade, 9th grade and when you graduated?”. I have friends who sons were very bright but did not get taller than 5’6 by the time they were seniors.. I am talking all honors classes etc. These young men did fine. But the kids that matured and were tall early in high school, seemed to be expected to act like grown men, because they were bigger than their teachers and it many of the Principals..

Just some things to consider.

5

I think from everything you have said about your son that holding him back and starting Kindergarten the year he is six will not harm him in any way and may help him. He will then be the same age as those kids who have a birthday in September/October anyway…all the big 6 year olds in Kindergarten! My daughter is 4 and her birthday is in October, so she will be one of the oldest kids when she starts Kindergarten. I had an August birthday and was small for my age. I was always the smallest kid, bad at sports, and more immature. I did fine academically though.

6

Aging will not turn an introvert into an extrovert, if that was the case everyone would be assertive extroverts as adults, right?

The only thing that should be a consideration in holding back is academics.

The smallest kids in all four of my kid’s classes were never the last picked for anything! Maybe not the first mind you but actually they were usually top five if not top ten.

The latest of my kids were late May, glad I never held them back. I had considered it with my third since he has spectrum but didn’t have to decide until after his kindergarten year. Didn’t do it, I would make the same choice again but with a lot more confidence.

7

NO kid is perfect in all aspects, once they go to Kindergarten.
MANY young kids, are shy. There is NOTHING wrong with being shy. Even “extrovert” kids, are not “better” than shy kids.
Everyone, child or adult, has different dispositions.
But it is how you nurture, your child. And help him to flourish.

I work at a school.
I see, MANY kids, mostly boys, who are held back.
It does not make a difference, it does not make the kid better, it does not make the kid SUDDENLY an Einstein socially or developmentally.
Mostly, the kids I have observed, who were held back… is just typical kids. AND they are still immature if they were immature, and yet, they look “older” than the other kids who entered at the usual age. And they are not better behaved than the other younger kids. Either.

ALL kids, have tons to learn socially and academically once they enter school. Holding them back, is not a magic wand that will suddenly make their personality, change. A child is who they are. Each child is different. Many kids are shy. This is not a deficit. It is a disposition.. of which, it is not permanent. Children are young. As they get older, they gain more skills and abilities. Is just is.
Both my kids are late born. They entered Kinder at 4 then turned 5. They were not the youngest in the grade level. They did fine. AND they were both, “shy” too. BUT now at their current ages, they have blossomed. That is what, each age of a child, does. A child, develops. If you do not hold them back or make them feel inadequate. Kids, blossom. Kids, develop. Kids, have their own personalities, and s a parent you nurture that as a strength not comparing them to other kids.
As I said, both my kids were shy when young. I taught them to KNOW themselves, and they are very self-assured.
Extroverted kids, are not “better” than your own child.
What matters, is how you nurture your child and help them to gain a sense of who THEY, are.

I see so many kids, mostly boys, who are held back, in Kindergarten or 1st grade. And it is not because they have some social or academic problem. It was mostly because their Mom felt heir son was “immature.” But so now, these boys who were held back… are still just the same. NO improvement per say. And some even regress… because they are among younger, kids and they know, they are held back and “older” and they even look older than the other kids. And they have had obvious growth spurts, and they are now taller or bigger, than the other kids.

I really think, that a kid should not be held back, if there is no HARD reason to do so.
ALL or MOST kids, at this age, are shy or immature or not experts socially. That is their age. That is how it is. They do not enter into Kindergarten being experts at everything.

If you hold him back now, then “when” do you feel he will be, “ready” to enter into elementary school?
There can always be, a not now. Or a now.
So when will it be?
And meanwhile, there are age cut-offs per entry.

Again, both my kids are late born. They did fine. They entered Kinder at 4 then turned 5. I have a boy, and a girl.
AND no matter what size a boy is… that does NOT mean, they will be picked on in gym class.
That is a BAD stereotype to hold onto.
At the school I work at, there are MANY MANY boys, who are small or smaller or petite. And they do NOT suffer at all, and they are NOT picked on. AND they do just fine, in class or in “gym” class.
And they have many friends and do just FINE.

Just teach your son to know who HE is.
And shy or extroverted, that is the best thing a kid can learn. To KNOW, themselves. Because once they enter into elementary, THAT is what is going to affect them most. MANY kids don’t even know who they are, and they just go and copy-cat others and don’t even know why or they are always comparing themselves. That is worse.

And, many of the extrovert kids who are so social, are the worse behaved.
Being shy or not, does not determine behavior nor social skills.
Extrovert kids are not better, socially, either.
Know that. I work at a school and see this all the time.
And kids this age, do not just have the same friends forever.
Nurture your son for who HE is.
Then he can be self-assured, and not lack that component.
Many kids may give up on things. Teach your son to try HIS best.
Not about being “perfect.” Not about comparing himself.
Nurture, HIM. For who he is.
And know… your son, for who he is and his personality.

8

It is totally a personal choice. It’s called ‘redshirting’. I would google it and read as many articles as you can. There are pros and cons. If your son is just plain not ready, then it’s a no-brainer. If you’re not sure, consult his preschool teacher and get her opinion. Also, this site has some good guidelines:

We were sort-of in the same boat with my oldest (now in 3rd grade). He made the cut-off by 5 weeks. He’s on the small side (10%ile) and his dad was set to deploy (I wondered how this would affect him). We sent him. I was open with his kindergarten teacher that if he wasn’t ready, we would redo kindergarten. He did fine. He’s now in 3rd and a straight-A student. He’s still small and would be small if he were in 2nd grade. We also moved states and our new state has a Oct. 1 cut-off, so he’s not the youngest anymore. He is also shy/introverted and that’s just his personality. Holding him back would not have made him more outgoing.

My middle son is in kindergarten (March birthday). I help a lot in the class and wanted to see how the kids were doing. All 6 in the ‘top group’ are boys. One is the youngest boy in the class (he made the cut-off by one day). Of the other 5, 3 have Fall birthdays and 2 have Spring birthdays. In the ‘low group’ (2 boys/3 girls), 1 has a Fall birthday, 2 have Spring birthdays, and 2 have summer birthdays.

My youngest is also a July birthday, but the cut-off here is Oct. 1 (they are moving it to August 1 in 2017).

My husband has a late Aug birthday and started on-time (graduated at 17). His parents had to sign a waiver for him to start West Point because he wasn’t 18 when he started. He did just fine:)

Don’t worry about others. I don’t think it’s the cool thing. I think some kids need an extra year. I think some parents do it because they think it is trendy, but they’re not really helping.

Also, NY state has made it almost impossible to redshirt kindergartners because it was becoming such an issue!

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/02/kindergarten-redshirting-gets-tougher-in-n-y-c-with-repercussions/

9

My son has a late july birthday, has always been extremely well behaved, mature, bright, but also very short for his age like 10 percentile etc.
We were living in a school district that had a kinder age cut off of August 31st. and were leaning strongly towards holding him back, for many reasons, like you named. The really big reason for me was thinking ahead to middle school when the material is all new and the playing field is more level academically, but the social ability and size and age come into play.

We found a wonderful house in a great school district. This distsricts cut off was May first. So the whole debate was taken out of my hands. He would miss the cut off and have an extra year of preschool where he learned to read and made some great friends.

Ds is in fourth grade now, still one of the shortest in his class. I just asked, he told me there are 4 kids in the class older than he is. and that yeah mom i’ts fine being 10 yo. he says it is boring, but he is a 10 yo boy and most of everything is boring, he knows not to act out and so when he is bored he reads or daydreams or what ever with out causing trouble. I’m sure if he were 9 he would tell me it was boring too.

Just because he is old enough to get a drives liscence doesn’t me i’ll let him. and it certainly does not give him a right to be a juvenile delinquent because he is older than some of his classmates.

something people don’t talk a lot about but really drives this question a lot is economics. if you can’t afford another year of preschool or if the free lulnches at school would really take a burden off the family then there isn’t much question of not sending them.

I know it sounds awful but I also think gender plays into this, I’m sure there are exceptions but in my experience boys aren’t as quick to mature. they just aren’t. and i’ll be completely honest with you, if everything was the same except ds was a tall girl. I would send her because holding her back will mean she will be taller than the boys for a long time. I think people in our society treat others differently based on size and gender. not saying it’s right but middle school is rough and this decision is just as much a social one as an academic one.

having an education background and experience, I have to reiterate what another poster said, in the end it’s more the parents nurturing than the decision to redshirt or not. I wish just wish more parents would actually parent.

10

my mother held all thee of her kids back before it was a trend. It worked out great for me academically ( a late summer baby) and terrible for my sisters (late winter babies who were 7.5 for first grade. They ended up each skipping a year by doing a grade in the summer so they could be with their peers. But I was just 7 for 1st grade and I think it worked well. We all went to private school and skipping a grade was simply a matter of doing a summer of home school. In middle school, with a self-motivated student, this does not require much of a parent. My sisters worked independently through their summer curriculum that the teacher created for them. My sisters did this in 6th grade and were highly motivated to complete the summer home school. My point is, if you do hold him back, its not set in stone. He can still advance over summer if he really wants to.

11

What if he is always shy. You going to keep holding him back? Please send him. He sounds ready. I really do not understand all of this holding back. My four kids had late summer and fall birthdays. They all did fine. Everyone it seems wants there kid to be the best and the brightest. Just let him be who he is at the appropriate age. 5 year olds go to K.

12

I just held my son back and his birthday is in May. He was one of the youngest. I held him back though because he would not stop hitting in the afternoons. It was too much for him. He was doing all the work perfectly and even the teachers said that boys tend to do better if they start a year later. My brother, who is now 22, was also held back and his birthday was in May. He did so much better in school. I have heard from so many others that they have done the same thing and not one of them had regrets. I think it’s worth it. I was one of the oldest in my grade and I loved it because no one picked on me, and I was confident. I want my kids to have that advantage!

13

My son has a July birthday. He is now 6 and in 1st grade. We started him on time for K. I have no regrets. He is super social and doing great with academics. I was very shy as a kid and started school on time with no problems. Just because your son is shy is not a good reason to hold him back. That is his personality. That will not change even if you have him wait another year. If he is doing well in school and is ready then go for it. Holding him back because it’s a “trend” is a really bad reason to do it.

14

It doesn’t seem he’s not very smart so I see no reason to expect him to flunk kindergarten. I’d suggest you send him. It’s really sad to see 18 year old adults in high school taking drivers ed…plus they can have sex if they feel like it, stay out all night if they want, and completely drop out of high school as a junior…

I think the long term effects of holding a child back just because the parents think it gives that child an advantage is wrong for kids. Let them be with their peers instead of always being a year behind everyone they play sports with or do scouts with or go to youth activities with.

15

Do what is right for YOUR child and YOUR family. Please do not let people’s strong opinions sway you unless they know your son, and know him well. There is not one right choice here…

We knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we were giving our oldest an extra year of preschool. He’s a bright kid, but he has behavioral and medical issues and it was the right thing to do.

We were on the fence with out middle son, ultimately opting for it with his preschool teacher’s encouragement and his thoughts about it, though I think he would have been fine either way.

With our youngest, it isn’t an option.

You are not screwing up or gaming the system no matter what you chose. Everyone I know who gave their child an extra year did it for the good of their child - it was not about advantages or competing with anyone else. Folks who did not do it did for their own reasons. No one was wrong.

Kindergarten, and especially grades 1 through 5 are not what they were when we were kids. Our oldest had so much freakin’ homework in the 2nd grade I thought I’d lose my mind! 2nd grade!

It sounds like your son is fine for K, but the people who know best are you, your husband, you son’s teacher, and your son (many may disagree but I like to ask my kids for their thoughts on these things; they often surprise me).

Good luck.

16

We held our son for a variety of reasons - late June birthday, small stature, took a 3 hour nap well past the age of 4 (so we knew he be tired in the afternoon), and family experience with a kid going to kindergarten way too soon.

As a parent and a teacher, I have to tell you that school readiness is NEVER about academics! Just because a child can read doesn’t mean he’s ready for a classroom of 20-30 kids.

Your child is putting all his effort into academic interests, and so his social skills and confidence are going to be developing later. That’s not a flaw in him - it’s just the result of his interests and his experiences, or both.

We never, ever regretted our decision. We put him in a pre-K program at preschool with an added lunch a couple of days, just to get him used to transitioning from classroom to lunch program to a craft program. Transitions are really, really hard for a lot of kindergarteners, and you have already noted that your son doesn’t warm up to large groups or new people. Give him another year.

And FYI a lot of kids come home from school and say that something was boring - that is routine, and it does NOT mean you made a mistake in holding him back! Do not second guess yourself if you do hold him. And usually in gym class, they aren’t letting kids pick other kids anymore because it’s a popularity contest and it emphasized athletic ability over teamwork. So while that’s not a factor much anymore, that doesn’t mean your husband is wrong to want to hold your child out.

And I wouldn’t worry about messing with “the system” - it’s not a system, it’s a guideline!

In my opinion, you can’t really make a mistake in holding a child for an extra year. You’ve given quite a few reasons for NOT sending your child, and no real reasons FOR sending him. I have a good friend who is a kindergarten teacher, and I can tell you that the whole team would rather have children who are more confident and socially skilled. They don’t care if kids can write or read or recite the 50 states or anything else like that!

If I were you, I would expose my son to more experiences, either through pre-K or museum children’s programs or library programs, anything to put him in more situations with more kids and let him do well and feel confident. Let him experience other teachers or group leaders, learn to interact more, and build those skills you feel he is lacking.

Good luck!

17

It’s a very individualized decision and I wouldn’t make it until summer if you can wait. I think “holding back” has negative connotations and I try to refer to it as just waiting a year to start. Our oldest has a July birthday and we waited. He started kindergarten at age 6. A whole host of factors went into the decision, we consulted with a variety of educational professionals from his preschool and his future school and we didn’t make the decision until three weeks before he would’ve started kindergarten had he started at age 5. It was the best decision we’ve ever made FOR HIM. I don’t presume to know what to tell someone else about their kid. In a nutshell, he was ready academically, but not emotionally. If you want more information you can PM me.

In our school district you can enroll them in kindergarten (public school) and take them out of the enrollment at any time up until the first day of school without any penalty or consequences. We actually had our son enrolled in two different preschools and kindergarten when we decided to wait and have him do a year of preschool that specialized in 5-year-olds. It was the middle of August when we made our final decision. We lost a $45 deposit on one of the preschools and that was it.

He is now a HS junior taking Honors and AP classes. He does well socially and participates in a variety of activities. He is and always has been on the small side. There’s been no problems with getting his license early, being older than other kids or anything of that nature. But, once again, this is the decision we made for him and his circumstances. Bottom line, in our case absolutely no regrets.

Oh, there are a lot of factors, not just academics, that determine kindergarten readiness. You can probably find a list of these factors in a book, online or from your son’s future school.

18

I recommend you do what I did. Take your child to the guidance counselor and ask for a school readiness test. Also have his current preschool teacher tell you her opinion about whether he should stay in preschool or not.

This is what we did with my son. He would have been one of the youngest in his class (older than yours, actually.) I have never regretted it. He graduates this May from high school and I’m SO glad that I paid attention to what he needed, rather than what I wanted.

19

I sent my late June birthday boy to school at age 5. He was small then, and now he’s the smallest kid in 2nd grade. But still, I have no regrets. He loves school and does well. I’ve noticed he’s the smallest kid in his grade, but he doesn’t seem to notice at all. He will tell you that his favorite class is gym, so he’s clearly not feeling left out because he’s small.

And, for what it’s worth, while the ‘kindergarten redshirting’ gets a lot of press, I don’t actually think it’s all that common. There are plenty of summer birthdays in my son’s class with kids the same age as he is.

Now, if you really feel that he’s not ready or if his preschool teacher has concerns, then sure, consider it. But I wouldn’t worry about the ‘everyone is doing it’ perception. If he’s academically ready and he has a decent attention span, he’s probably ready.

20

My situation was a little different. My son is an October birthday. He missed our school cutoff by 6 weeks. If I had wanted to, I could have pushed to have him tested in early. Academically he was more than ready. Socially, he’s still behind and is in 4th grade now.

Since I pondered this decision, he’s been diagnosed with Asperger’s and ADHD, which contributes to his lack of social skills.

We waited, and I’ve never regretted it.