Help! My child hates the child I babysit for

Family & Parenting Classmate & Friend Issues
1

Hello ladies

I babysit for a little boy who is 3 just 1 day a week. He is such a sweet boy and he is pretty well behaved. The problem is he and my son (he's 4) dont get along on any level. They argue over just about everything....I do mean everything. And all day long as well. They argue over silly children things of course, but over the course of the day, I find myself being more of a referee than a caregiver. Both of them are at fault. My son is an only child (I have 1 on the way) and is very territorial over his things and has a hard time sharing with this boy. I work on his sharing skills very hard and it's hit or miss. But when this child comes over it's like WW3! On the other hand this boy just loves to push my sons buttons as well. For instance, they'll be watching a t.v show and he'll just poke my son in the eye for no reason. Or he'll lay is legs or body all over him on the couch just to get a rise out of him and then the fighting begins...."he touched me" "he poked me" "he's not taking turns" "its mine, no it's mine" "i had it first" (sigh) they've even argued over the color of a passing car so bad that I thought they were going to fist fight each other and thats when i just seperated them for the rest of the day.
I want this child's experience in my home to be fulfilling, but I'm having a hard time doing so when all i'm doing is trying to make things even steven for them. I'm physically exhausted by the time his mom comes to get him. I even thought at one point I was going to cry from all the bickering because I just didn't know what to do. I try to take them places and that works for the most part, but as soon as we get in the car and buckle up the yelling starts.
I've mentioned to his mother about it a few times. I dont want to make her feel bad, or make her think that her child is a problem for us, because he is a delightful boy. But secretly I'm hoping she'll just find a daycare or something as well. She also doesn't seem to be too bothered when I tell her that they've had a "rough day" that day. Or that they fought alot. I try to let her know gently, but I dont know what else to do. I dont know if i should just stick it out because it's just 1 day a week and it could be a great chance for my son to learn to share not only his toys but me as well. Or is it just not worth the hassle and tell the mom that I can no longer watch her child. And if i do that, how to I say that without making her feel bad.

Both children are loving, great, caring kids...they just really really dislike each other.

sorry for rambling.

2

Oh that has got to be hard.

The only advice I can offer is for the sharing. Whenever we have a playdate at our house, I let my son pick out one or two favorite toys that we put up and out of sight. Then we agree that every other toy has to be shared and then he can have his favorite toy back after the other children leave.

He just turned 4 and this has really helped. This way he feels a little more in control of the situation.

I wish I could offer more. This sounds like you'll just have to decide if this is something you can tolerate or not. Do they enjoy anything about each other?

Good Luck
God Bless
Karen

3

I dont see how this situation is helping your child.

Maybe your son could learn to share in a preschool type environment.

But if these 2 kids fight all day it is not fun for anyone.

My only suggestion is to find things to do with them.

I have 2 kids- and they really dont fight.. but we keep busy.. we go places everyday and play outside.. so they get to run and get the energy out.. I also play with them as much as I can..

4

If the boys didn't get a reaction out of you, would they keep fighting? I think you are just experiencing what many mother's do with more than one child. Quit interferring and let these two "only" children work it out. If you keep solving it for them, they'll never learn that skill. If they are fighting over the color of a car, who cares, turn up the radio and let the battle continue. They'll figure it out.

5

You are seeing a preview of what it may be like when you have 2 in the house. They are in that age. I'm guessing the other child is also an only child. My first 2 boys have polar opposite personalities and tend to bicker. Rather than battling over who did what to whom, I just use common discipline. First, tell them your expectations. Share, be kind, and keep your hands/feet to yourself. Simple rules. If bickering starts, they both get a timeout and a privilege taken away. Period. If they don't fight for a while, they both get rewarded. I have 3 boys under 8. They get the message soon enough.

They may not like each other but you'll get some peace. You should probably talk to his mom more directly about the difficulties, too.

Good luck!

6

Nancy, I guarantee you it's the age! When my 4 yo son has his 3 yo friend over, it's chaos. I don't even know why they want to play together b/c they fight so much. Try to go from referee to mediator and do some more explaining instead of scolding. It works here...

7

I would suggest letting your son have a couple toys that are off limits to the other child, put them in his room so that he has his own space. I would also recommend giving them each an off limits area, for you son, it might be his room, somewhere he can go that is his alone and the other child is not allowed, we all need our space, and maybe your son, needs down time everyday. Does your son nap still?

It seems that this is mostly about age. Unless it comes to blows, let them work it out. I had to have a talk with my 3 yr old recently and I sat her down and said Mommy is done repeating... I will tell you once and if you don't do it, you will get time out. That seems to work for her, maybe it will work for the boys. Maybe even make a chart like Nanny does that states the rules and if they are broken, it's immediate time out.

8

I seriously doubt they "dislike each other". They're just having fun fighting and annoying each other. They're learning the boundaries and rules of playing nicely with others, and finding out that messing with other people can be fun (at least until they turn around and poke you in the eye right back!) I'd stick it out. If your son is so territorial about a child you're not holding in your arms all day and that he only has to see one day a week, then having another kid around should be thereaputic. Things should get better in time, though I'm sure they'll still bicker alot now and then.

As far as feeling like a referee...I suggest buying a shiny new whistle and striped shirt, you'll be "reffing" for awhile...(probably till the kids are grown and move out anyway) Just don't be afraid to call a "time out" penalty at the first sign of trouble - you'll save yourself a lot of headache.

9

You could implement time out for the offender.

Pull over in the car when the screaming starts. Don't budge until they listen to you and stop.

Why isn't discipline being done at home tho? Time out for their age, explain why, extract an apology, hugs. Look, Nancy, it's your house. You're doing someone a favor by babysitting. But your son needs to understand boundaries too. When you're given a lousy situation to use for disciplining, go for it. Then it isn't such a shocker when they get to school and older at home. Ask yourself what your son is going to do once the new baby arrives. Same behavior as with the 3 year old? Not acceptable. Get them while they're young to teach rules and consequences.
If you want to quit babysitting, what's better than being pregnant???? You're tired, it's really starting to affect you. And coupled with the constant fighting, it's bad for everyone.

10

Hi Nancy,
I know where you're coming from. I used to watch a little girl who's 3. My son (2) and her didn't get along. At first I thought my son was just being mean and didn't want to share but after watching their interactions more I realized she was doing things passively. He wouldn't be building towers with his blocks and she would walk by and kick over his tower. There were many other things that I realized she was doing. Well, I tried for about 3 months to try and get them to play nicely but in the end I ended up not watching anymore. Bottom line is I want my son to feel comfortable in his home. She was at my house a lot more than the little boy that you watch. I watched her Monday-Friday. Plus, my son is usually a really good sharer. He has an older brother and gets along with every other kid he's played with. It was just this little girl. Good luck.
Chris

11

Nancy, ok this can work, First, sit down with your son, have him choose the toys he DOESN'T want to share, (for the day) and put them in a box, (the night before)! Sit down with the boys and make some new rules and agreements. One gets to choose what they do in the morning, one in the afternoon, NO Questions! If they argue, and you don't know who started it, have them stand nose to nose, hands in pockets, no talking, 2 minutes, tell them NO laughing! (not really) Tell them they can make faces, no touching, they will soon be laughing. If you know who started a fight, that boy must be a slave or do 2 nice things for the other boy, 1 say something nice, the other rub or scratch his back, pick up the others toys, draw a nice picture... Or separate them, tell them they can NOT play with each other, 5 to 10 minutes, they must go to separate rooms, (they will want to play with each other!) Try picking a theme for the day, That way you are choosing the toys, read dino stories or movie, play with dinosaurs, be dinosaurs, make dino hats, be veggie eaters, lettuce (leaves) with a little sugar, or meat eaters, (turkey roll ups) NO hands... roar, make 2 caves,
get dino's out make box caves.... have them color the box, glue paper or real leaves to the box! If they want to name them, the name must start with the same letter as their first names... take control, teach them how to get along!
They don't hate each other, it is a space issue, your son is worried about sharing and losing his, the other boy has NO space, he needs one and some control in what he gets to do, aren't we all territorial? You can do it Nancy Any questions you are always welcome to write. Kathy
Mom of 5 grown, childcare provider for 30 years!

12

Hello Nancy, This is a good experience for your son since he has a sibling on the way. And the other mother isn't going to be able to just have a talk with her son to end things, no more than it has worked with yours. Turf wars are common issues with preschoolers. The worst thing you can do is play referee by asking who did what. The same rules must apply evenly with both boys, and when they misbehave the punishment should be the very same at the same time. Don't ask who started it, because it doesn't matter. They are both resposible because one started it and the other joined in. It would be different if one is picking on a child who keeps walking away from the fight. If it is over a toy the toy gets taken away for the day. If it is in the car, then the car pulls over and doesn't move until they say they are sorry to each other and the fighting stops. (This works great if there is something they have to look forward to at the end of the car ride that can be taken away also.) This is great practice for you, because there will be sibling rivalry after your baby is born, and your son will already have a clue of what to expect. Go to a day care center and just watch how they handle things for a day or two, this will give you lots of ways to handle situations that will come up. I love the book by Kevin Leman called "Making children mind without losing yours". I read it so many times while my children where growing up that it fell apart. It's great for all stages, from toddlers to teens. Mine are all married now with their own families. Good luck.

13

Create a box of "daycare" toys and that are to be used when this child is there.

Keep the kids busy. Do you do crafts, activities, etc? It sounds like (watching TV?) they may be bored.

By 4 (I also have a 4 year old) a child does understand sharing. Talk to your son about this. Your problem is going to escalate once the baby comes if you don't start working on it now.

14

Nancy,
I would give the mom 2 weeks to find other arrangements. In a classroom or on the playground, your son could easily be redirected to another area and make other "friends". Your home is your happy place. You probably spend a couple of days a week just stressing over the next day the child comes over, wondering what will happen next. You don't need that! A friend of mine did this and remains very close friends of the other mom. You could tell her it is a very stressful day for the boys, and you want her son to have a pleasant daycare experience so there are no anxiety issues when he starts pre-school. Always make it sound like you have HER sons best interest in mind so she's not offended. --If you're still having trouble deciding to do this, imagine you've already had the conversation and the mom has just picked her son up for the last time...how do you feel? Relieved, unburdened, relaxed? Maybe a weight has been lifted? If so, you know what you have to do. Your son and your sanity will thank you. Sorry, I'm rambling too! I hope this has been helpful. Best of luck to you and your son!!

Angie

15

Our sitter has the rule that if their child's bedroom door is closed, our kids can't go in there. This gives her kids a way to get away from ours if they're feeling overwhelmed. You may want to give the other child a corner or part of a room that's "his" when he's over, and maybe have him bring some toys over on a rotating basis so your son isn't the only one who's always sharing. Maybe having your son choose special toys that stay in a certain off limits spot where the other child can't touch them would help your son feel more in control, and not allow the other child to follow yours into his room if he doesn't want him there. If you can stick it out, I think it'll be good for both of them in the log run. If they go to kindergarten next year they're going to be in a classroom with many other children, and they won't get along perfectly with all of them, so this is good practice. Stay sane!

16

HI Nancy, I went through this a while back and it is not fun. It was getting to the point that I didn't want the days to go by. I felt obligated to my friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I told her that I could not handle her and my son's fighting anymore and that her daughter would be better off in a daycare or pre-school setting where there are more kids and toys that don't just belong to one child and she understood. I was crying because I felt bad but she found a Daycare that would take her the very next day and she was sooo happy with it. The little girl is doing very well there. Sometimes it is too hard to take on another child when you have one of your own, feelings get in the way and it's hard to be neutral when it is your home and your child being hurt. Now when I see them both my son and I enjoy our time with them. It was so hard for me to do but I felt so much better after and I have the time to concentrate on my little one. (he is the baby of three) Moral is just be honest in whatever you choose and it will be better all around...

17

Just read this post and I am going the same thing now, so I was just wondering what you ended up doing?