My 7 yr old daughter has been throwing terrible temper tantrums over little things. She gets so mad she starts screaming and rolling around on the floor and kicking and hitting the floor. I dont know what to do to get her to stop. I ask politely for her to stop and she just continues. I calmly explain that her behavior is not acceptable and that I dont appreciate what she is doing. I am the kind of mother that if I have to ask more than twice for something there will be consequences like no television for a day or no play dates, things like that. Well lets just say I have to ask and ask and ask and in the end the consequences are pretty bad. When she calms down she promises me that she wont behave like that again and she tells me how sorry she is. She still continues to behave like that at least once a week. I just dont know what to do to get her to understand that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. So if any of you have any advice I would love to hear it.
Thank You
Lack of good sleep is usually what my almost 7 year old causes this reaction. Getting to the heart of what is going on, too much sugar, lack of sleep, something bothering her with a friend or something else going on. At that age I can be rational with my daughter when she calms down and talk to her about what is going on. My main point with her is "do you get what you want by acting like that", the answer is "no" and I tell her that she is in charge of how her day goes. I don't enjoy punishing her and tell her that, but I also tell her that there are house rules, she is old enough to know them and she needs to know that if she pitches a fit it will only get her in more trouble. I too have the issue of not having to ask multiple times. My thing right now is we do the three strikes method. First infraction, fit, hitting her brother, being overly sassy or defiant is warning one, the second warning is jammies (regardless of what time of day it is) then the third is straight to bed. I don't send her to bed without dinner and she has gone to bed as early as 3pm, she can come eat then back to her room. She doesn't have to go to sleep, however is banned from playing, reading or anything else and needs to lay there and think of what she did to get herself into the trouble she is in.
I would say after like three nights within a month of my sticking to my guns, being consistent with the punishment (no matter how many times she begs to come down) she is banished to her room, then it totally helps a ton. I would say on an average day she rarely if ever gets to her second warning. I am not saying over minor stuff, but major stuff like full blown tantrums earns her a warning and losing her chances quickly. Hang in there. Talk to her and see what is going on. Make her think that her actions do not get her the results she wants.
Ok so asking does work! First I would throw a bucket of water on her and make her clean up the mess before she is aloud to change her clothes. I would not put up with this behavior in any form since she is 7 and maybe the consequnces are not bad enough since she repeats ths behavior.
How long has this been going on? Is this a resent developement or/and what triggers it? Did she pick it up somewhere? I have know 7 year olds to be the most helpful and wonderful age. I think something she is not telling you about is happening if it is a resent occurance.
Cathy B
The first time my daughter, also 7, did this, I stood there in shock at her behavior and didn't really do anything. The second time she did this, I whipped out my little video camera and filmed her. When she noticed what I was doing, she stopped immediately. I then played it back for her so she could see how totally ridiculous she looked. I then told her that the next time she pulled a stunt like that, I would show it to all her friends and maybe even her teachers. I told her that her behavior was absolutely unacceptable and that she should be embarassed. The next time she was about to throw a tantrum, I asked her if I should get out the video camera. I laughed and said her friends would just LOOOVE to see this! Nipped that tantrum in the bud and she hasn't tried any of that cr@p since. I'm like you, I'm just not going to put up with that kind of ridiculousness - she's 7, not 2 and there's no situation which would warrant a 7yr old throwing a temper tantrum like that.
There is a book called "The Power of Possitive Parenting" that has a whole chapter devoted to this. Glenn Lathem explains that its a good idea to pay a lot of attention when their behavior is good, and ignore the bad. If your daughter throws a tantrum, leave the room. Lock yourself in the bathroom or something. If she isnt getting attention she will stop. Make sure that you are rewarding her with good attention when she is good, say something like, "I really enjoy spending time with you, You are so smart and funny" or what ever seems appropriate at the time. I know you will get great advice from everyone else so good luck.
Hi Kristin,
I'd suggest putting her in her room IMMEDIATELY, and close the door. Tell her she may come out when she's calm. You may have to be on the other side of the door, holding it closed. Do not try to talk to her at all during the tantrum. The point is, you do not want to give ANY attention to her during the tantrum, whether it's positive or negative attention. Try your best to remain perfectly calm and silent. (Easier said than done!) After the tantrum, you may still need to wait awhile before you discuss whatever the issue is. Even if she's calm, she may still be feeling emotional. (And you might be, too!) You want to talk when you're both in the thinking state, not the emotional state.
Good luck... I've been there!
love, Peggy
I think the key word here is "ask". Asking conveys no authority. You need to look her straight in the eye and TELL her that this behavior is not acceptable.- with authority in your voice. I don't mean you have to be mean, just authoritative. This may not work, since you have been "asking" for so long, but it also may jog her out of her behavior. Continue with the consequences and always be consistent. It may take time to undo the lack of respect you have created, but eventually she will get it.
You're giving her too much attention and no real consequences for her behavior. When she behaves like this, tell her it is unacceptable and that if she continues she will be put in time out. If she refuses or ignores you, you could give a second warning if you want (sometimes it's a little difficult to hear when you're screaming, so give her the benefit of the doubt she may not have heard you the first time). If, after receiving only one or two warnings she still has not responded appropriately, tell her she is going in to timeout. Put her in a corner for 1 minute for each year of age...7 minutes. Don't talk to her while putting her there, just put her there. Don't pay attention to her or respond to her. Just leave her. If she moves, put her back and start the timer all over again, but don't talk to her. Continue to do so until she stays put the entire time. Let her scream, or talk, or whatever, just ignore her...she's trying to get a response from you. Then walk over to her, kneel down so your eyes are at her level, and explain to her why she was put in time out, or ask if she knew why and then explain. Then ask for an apology...you better not apologize, she needs to. Then give hugs and kisses, and ask her what she was upset about, then show her an appropriate way of dealing. The first few times may be a struggle, because you can't exactly tape her mouth shut, but she will learn that you are completely ignoring it and it's not getting the response she intended. In addition, she's getting punished. After a few times she should stop screaming, because, let's face it, her screams used to get your attention, now they won't.
Kristin,
Check your daughters surrounding's my little one had these kinds of "fits" in the beginning of 1st grade. My husband and I were dumbfounded as this was not like our little girl at all. I changed schools and almost over night maybe within a few days our happy, sweet, giggly little girl was back again. She did not know enough how to articulate why she was so upset and frustrated. Everything was safe and cool at school but it was just something that was not right. We changed her surrounding's and so she changed as well. I felt horrible it took me 2 or 3 months to figure it out. I thought it was just her adjusting to 1st grade and she was acting out. It was like that theory of the crab in a pot of boiling water.
Karen- SAHM working mom of 4 beautiful busy kids, married to a wonderful man.
Hi Kristin,
I have an 8 year old daughter with a similar problem, although she has been making significant progress after a year or so. When she gets upset, she has a difficult time managing her emotions and problem-solving, so she expresses it with screaming, ripping up papers, etc. It really has been a lesson in patience for all of us. Mainly we have focused on trying to help her learn to calm down and eventually to talk things out. I have found that the most critical part of this process is my learning to be calm and trying to control myself, not her. Usually I try to get her into her room, shut the door, and then I come back when I feel like I can be calm and objective. (This can take some time!) She and I have prayed together about it, and my husband and I have prayed for her. She prays for herself, too. I have tried to help her to understand that anger is a choice, and that she can learn to control herself and deal with her feelings in other ways. She is learning! Once she was baptized and received the gift of the Holy Ghost (age 8), she has been making even more progress. For my child, I know that this particular weakness is going to be a blessing to her as she learns to work out problems more logically and calmly. Patience is paying off.
Dear Kristin,
I don't know what kind of consequences other then no TV,& no play dates, you have tried. I had a daughter that was three when we had the same problem. Other moms kept telling me that she was just wanting attention. I did not accept that from them because I felt I was giving her PLENTY of attention....my dirty house was a sure sign of that...LOL. If I did NOT give her my TOTAL attention, and let her have CONTROL of me, she would "shake the world" in her temper tantrums. I finally ask the doctor what to do. He said the temper tantrums were a way to get my ATTENTION!!! If she did not feel she had the control to get my attention in a GOOD way, she was going to get it any way she had the control of getting it. She sure did get it with her tantrums!!! SO....we (HUSBAND & WIFE)had to be exact in what we were going to do when she threw these tantrums. We needed to stop what we were doing, explain that we were not going to watch her do this anymore(calmly), we picked her up, put her in her room, went out to the livingroom, turned on music or the TV LOUDLY(so we couldn't hear her), and waited until she got quiet. When she was calm, we would go let her out of the room with a smile on our faces, and tell her we wanted to be with her again because she had stopped acting the way she had been.
I know this is MUCH easier when it is a 3 year old, who can not open the door, but you just might think of a way it could work for your little gal too. I think it is a matter of letting her know that you love her, and want her to be happy, but she will NOT get your attention by negitive behavior. If you can get to the root of why she acts that way, you could MAYBE talk to her about other ways that would be more positive act then the negitive. You just might get an eye opening lesson also.
Good luck....we only had to go throught two one hour sessions with our little gal, and then she stopped. She is now a grown mommy of two, and she is a VERY good mommy!!
My daughter is allowed to throw all the fits she wants....BUT it has to be in her bedroon with the door shut so nobody else has to listen to her. As soon as she realizes that nobody is paying attention, she quits. Tantrums are for attention, igore it and it will go away. No TV and no playdates seems awfully mild, besides the fact that they aren't immediate cosequences, they happen later, which doesn't make sense. Whatever you do, it should be at the time that she is doing something wrong.
We have gone through this as well. I agree with the other moms, you need to distance yourself from the temper tantrums. I have a pretty short fuse as well, so the best option for me when my kids start acting this way is to walk away. If I have the patience, I will get them into their rooms, where they can scream all they like, but takes away the audience they are looking for. If that doesnt work, I have found something which works really well for us. My son is five and is haveing famous temper tantrums all the time. I dont know why; both my children certainly have my attention. When putting him in his room does not help to calm him down, after ten minutes or so I will put him, clothes and all into a cold shower. He has to stay in there until he calms himself down. They hate to peel the wet cold clothes off thier body, and when it is all done, we hug each other and talk about why he was so upset. After once or twice all I have to do is mention the shower and he calms down right away. I hope this helps you, even if it is the knowledge that you are not alone.
Dear Krisitin,
1.
this is not a DISASTER
this is a bummer.
2.
This is a working situations, which is very fixable,
therefore:
DO NOT ALLOW YOUR EMOTIONS to overwhelm YOU,
and the great step you already did is that you posted here
because you think about the situation,
and do not get emotional.
I wrote about very similar situations several times,
as we mamas ALL have such issues at some time of our kids' growth.
I will copy you one of the stories, and give 2 links where many mamas share great ideas.
I very much hope that it will help, and you will find the solution that fits the best to YOUR and Your Girl !!!
All the very best to you, Kristin!!!
http://www.mamasource.com/request/6531488936626225153
as long as you GIVE her attention, she will be throwing serious tantrums over and over again.
Keep the space safe, and allow her whatever she wants to do, NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HER>
If you get tired, waiting when she will be finally exhausted and done with the fit,
then you can try one more trick:
pretend that you absolutely do not see her: as soon as she starts getting into the tantrum 'mode', you can walk around, not 'seeing her' and talking totally to yourself: "I wonder where my little beautiful girl is, I cannot see her, and I miss her smile so much! Hmmm, I hope she did not go far, maybe she is in the bedroom, let me see... no, she is not ehre either... okay, I will just have to sit down and wait, she will be back for sure, because I love her so much, and I know she loves me too." At some point, she will get tired or exhausted, and will loose all the hope of getting your attention, and then she will appear before you as normal good girl again. THIS MOMENT you need to overflow with joy, and smile to her, and tell her "Oh, here you are!!! Where have you been? I already started looking for you in all the rooms! I missed you, smiley!"
She needs to figure out, with your help, that as soon as she is throwing tantrum, she becomes invisible to you, and the attention is ALL drawn away from her, but as soon as she has a smile, or behaves just normally, she gets a lot of cuddling great attention from you.
IN NO WAY YOU CANNOT GIVE UP and do what she wants by trying to get it through the tantrum, even if it is in the middle of the store.
good luck to you both!
one more related link:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/6352695405246939137
My daughter was exactly like that with the tantrums. We started with throwing water in her face. We told her that the only reason to scream that way is if you are on fire and fire needs water to put it out. When simply water in the face didn't work, we would put her fully clothed into a cold shower just long enough for her to snap out of it. We only had to do it 3 times before the threat of it was enough. Then we taught her deep breathing exercises to calm her enough to express with her words what she was feeling.
Good luck.
Hi Kristin,
Maybe some "Love and Logic" would help. You can go to thier website www.loveandlogic.com or just go to your library and check out a book. The author is Jim Fay or Charles Fay. Hope this helps!! Stay tough and let her know you mean business. God bless!
It sounds like she has some underlying issue that she may be bottling up, then something little will set it off. Given the age difference in your girls, could she be acting out for attention that she is no longer getting?
She should be old enough to have a rational conversation about her behavior with you and/or your husband, but if that doesn't work maybe having a talk with an aunt or uncle (or other trustworthy adult) might allow her to express what she is feeling and why she may be throwing the tantrums. Hope that helps.
Becky
Hi,
First lets understand why shes throwing tantrums. This is a way to get attention,and personally your doing a great job. Stick with what your doing and dont change. She needs that kind of attention. From Cynthia Mother of 4
Kristin, why is your daughter feeling so out of control? That's a big and important question to ask yourself. Find that out and fix it.
Until then...
Calmly (even if you have to do Lamaze breathing) take hold of your daughter and LAY ON HER hold holding her very, very close and DO NOT let go until she calms down. THIS is very important...keep your weight OFF of her chest...just straddle her as if you were going to tickle her and lay your torso over hers so your mouth is right by her ear. CLEARLY, SLOWLY say in a QUIET and overly sympathetic voice: You are out of control so I'm goin to HELP you get back into control. When you are able to hold still and stop screaming, I will get off of you and we'll lay here together until I SEE that you are ready to continue the day in control. You MUST be COMMITTED to the process. It'll take about 20 minutes or so because she will NOT like it and she'll say all kinds of things--DO NOT respond to the individual statements they're just distractions from the issue. If she says you're hurting her or that your choking her, CHECK yourself and then inform her that she's hurting herself (because SHE will be IF she's feeling discomfort) and again inform her you would REALLY like to let go but it's your job to HELP her when she's out of control, that NOTHING is more important and you have ALL the time she NEEDS. You MUST be in control of YOURSELF at this point and put yourself in the same mindset you'd be if she was having violent seizures or some such thing. The point isn't to immobilize her (you're looking for reasons to let go, for any attempt to comply), the point is to let her know she cannot get away from you, that you are there to intensely assist her in getting herself in control of her body and actions, that you love her, and that getting in control of herself on her own is a LOT more pleasant and less time consuming. Expect there to be yelling at first, anger, and then crying, crying, crying with her hold on to you. You MUST have an INCREASE of Love. In the end, you have a calm conversation where YOU, Mama, do a LOT of listening...and CLEARLY draw lines. You'll only need to do this 5-6 times ever...
This technique was taught to me by Dr Robert Schofield, Psychiatrist. He was brilliant!
If you have any doubts about your ability to stay calm, to avoid constricting when she moves, try something else altogether.
This has been a very affective tool that we've use with some of our children. I have several friends who also use this technique. It's for parents who don't mind (or are at least willing)giving children the time they need for correction.
I haven't had to utilize this for a long time because they understand that they have my attention and that doing things without my "corrective help" is MUCH more pleasant.
Leave anger OUT of it...when they're on the defense they don't listen and you find yourself repeating, repeating, repeating...and that's something I don't like to do.
You may also want to look at her diet, her sleep patterns with the understanding that just because her eyes are closed doesn't mean she's sleeping WELL, pay attention to whether these fits are around times of cleaning with harsh cleaners, and pay close attention to her interactions with other adults. PLUS, look at how HER world has changed since your youngest daughter.
There is hope, whatever method you choose: be consistant and loving.
My daughter is now 18. When she was younger, she'd have little fits, which I hardly remember now. But my daughter remembers and tells me that I would say to her "I'm sorry but I can't understand you when you speak to me in that voice. Find another voice to speak to me and then I'll be able to understand you". Ah, yes I remember that now. It worked really well.
But you are talking about tantrums. My kids only each had one tantrum. When it happened, I would purposely not react or acknowledge their presence in the room. I'd make sure that whatever chore I was doing included a need for me to (carefully) step across them as they were throwing a tantrum on the floor. Be totally oblivious to her. SInce she's been effective for some time now in getting some sort of attention from you, it will take some time for her to realize that mom has a New Plan in effect. She's old enough to hear about this New Plan ahead of time. Sit her down and explain that these tantrums from now on will have NO NO NO NO effect on you. Be really calm, matter of fact. She wants some sort of attention from you, and even if it's just negative attention, she's getting it from you. Stop the cycle. Be resolved. Pick a date on the calendar and say from this point on: no more reacting to her tantrums. Yes, you'll have to make sure she's in a safe environment while she has her tantrum...but otherwise go about your day as though she is NOT THERE. Do NOT react, because your reaction is reinforcing the tantrum.
So, having said that, I want to share one more thing. As my daughter got older, she'd have these incidents where it seemed like she was going through a meltdown. Oh my! She would just FALL APART. she was horrible to be around and there was no reasoning with her. Well, turned out that she was having spikes in her bloodsugar and she was dehyrdated. I figured out that when she fell apart (and by this I mean that she was close to a tantrum...) that these episodes always happened a few hours after she had eaten and almost always after a physically exherting activity. One day her babysitter called me from work, in a panic. They had spent the morning bike riding (hot day) and it was close to lunch time. My daughter had just become a terror.....and my babysitter who knew my daughter really well had never seen this. I told her to stay calm, insist that my daughter eat a couple soda crackers and a small apple juice. Would you believe, 10 minutes later the babysitter called me back, in awe. It worked. As soon as my daughter (she was probably 7 then) had a chance to drink and eat a little bit, she was fine. After this episode, then I knew for certain that her emotional breakdowns were related to the timespan between eating/activities. And we learned to manage this quite well. My daughter learned to recognize the times when she was close to falling apart and always had a few crackers or juice with her so she could eat/drink a bit and avoid the crazy breakdowns.
Best to you!