He wants a divorce..then changes his mind. What is going on?

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
1

Two weeks ago my husband informed me that, "he is in love with me but isn't sure if he wants to live with me."

We just moved to Texas a few months ago. My husband became very wrapped up in his job and began pulling away from me and our children. He came home one night and said, "I do not know if I can give 100 percent to my job and to my family. I think my job may be where I want to devote all my attention." He also told me that he was not sure and had not made any definitive choice.

He began going out to the bars with his co-workers once a month. He and I do not go out for he said we could not afford it. He also began coming home and telling me how wonderful this woman he worked with was on a daily basis (she is so smart, so awesome at the job, etc.). I asked him if there was something going on between them and he stated no that she was married and he just admired her.

A short time later we had a discussion about why he needed to go to the bar and this is what he said: Men in relationships NO longer get an ego boost from their partner because she is a "sure thing". But need to be "hit on" by a woman at a bar to get an ego boost. The woman in the relationship does NOT need to go to the bar because she gets her ego boost from her mate bringing her home flowers, etc.

Are you as confused as I am? Anyway, he continued to pull away, ignoring all of us. He had a falling out with the "wonder woman" at his work and stopped going to the bar with them. Instead, opting to sit in front of the tv all night until bedtime. He also decided that he wanted to return to his previous job.

As I stated in the beginning, he no longer knew if he wanted to be in the relationship anymore. We decided to get divorced. I packed up the kids and myself, purchased plane tickets and was moving on. An hour before we were to leave for the airport my husband says, "Why don't we do a six month seperation? You live your life and I will mine. In six months if I decide that I do want this family we will get back together."

My answer was a resounding, "H*ll No. Once I leave it is over."

He then says "ok, lets try to work it out. I will go to counseling."

I opted to stay because I love my husband. But I am so confused. I really need help!!

2

Well it is hard to take what you have said because your husband is right but so are you. It sounds as if he was having a secret affair--even if it was in his head. Men do need to be shown at a particular age that they are still attractive to others. Normally called the midlife crisis. My suggestion to you both--get through it together--the two of you will always be attached because you have these kids. DO NOT DIVORCE--GET THROUGH IT TOGETHER. Leaving will not get rid of you or him-see. Now go on dates to the park on a weekly basis. Go for a sit on the porch for just a talk with each other. Change your routine for some excitement--that is really what HE needs not another woman. It is up to you not him to make this work. NOW--if he is in an affair a real one--he has placed himself in a place he does not know how to get out of it--ok. Men are not smart that way! Divorce is really never the answer after kids--the two of you will be together till end of time even after divorce--so you might as well raise your kids together and learn to get through what the midlife crisis puts you two thru. YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HIM NEED THIS--OK! But you MUST date each other as you did before. How else are you going to know each other. Take the kids to church on Wednesday then you two go out while they are at church--picnic dinner that you cooked! You still have to eat--so you have to be able to afford to do that. Love HIM--you can get past this. Dicvorce is never the answer after kids--just remember that--ok

3

As difficult as this may sound, you gotta get out. You were so close but allowed him, with a few words, to keep you. You will regret the decision as the relationship will not be satisfying for you. He has not fully developed because his words about his ego are not what a mature married man and father says.

I feel for you because this isn't easy. You want it to work for the sake of your kids. He should be appreciating you and involved in family life, but instead he wants the bar life? He has some major issues...needs to learn how to be a real man.

If nothing else, separate for sure. You'll see.

4

Divorce is hard and having the one you love say he wants one is heart breaking. Since your willing to try counceling you will also need to forgive him for saying he wants a divorce for now. Both of you need to rekindle the flames that brought you too together in the first place. Let him know that flowers do not give females ego boost--it is the man they love showing them they love them ALL the time that give us the ego boost. Guys also do need an ego boost so you will need to show him that as well. I know with kids in the house its hard but trust me it can be done. Send little notes in his lunch or in his wallet for starters saying that you love him and such you can also send ones that say something alittle dirty to give him a little ego boost. Little things go along way in a relationship.

With your last statement it really sounds as if he didnt want you to leave to go back home, I guess maybe he was expecting you to stay close so he could still see you.

I hope you and him get everything out and that things work out for the both of you which ever path that may be. Good luck.

5

Sounds to me like your husband found a "wonder woman" at work and decided to pursue her. He started going to the bar to get more casual away-from-the-office time with her. She probably blew him off and that is why he quit going to the bar and now wants to return to his old job. It sounds like he has developed a wondering eye and decided he wants to pursue his options. However, when you said you were leaving he had second guesses. Sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds until HE decides which one he wants. You are his wife, and you and the children do not deserve to be second best to anything (work) or anyone (other women). He has lost his appreciation for you and is taking you for granted. Ultamatimes (sp?) are never a good idea, as if makes the person feel forced into staying. I would sit him down and tell him you are not naive and oblivious to what's taking place. That you and the children deserve to be the top priority over everything. If he cannot give you guys what you deserve then you feel it's best to move on. I know it will be hard, but you cannot allow him to make you his doormat.

6

My first thought is how much ego boosting is he getting from you? I'm not trying to say you're a bad wife, but he obviously feels the need to be constantly reassured of what a wonderful man he is - is he getting that from you?

My thinking is you can't change him or his ideas. What is it that you're doing, not doing, or should/could be doing to make things go a little better. If you genuinely give it your all and he still wants out to wander and sow his wild seeds, then you know it wasn't your fault or for lack of trying.

Again, I'm not trying to accuse you of being a bad wife or say that you don't do what he thinks he wants. Some people just can't be monogomous and that's just the way it is. Seems like your guy just isn't sure - he needs to be wild without losing a good sure thing in you.

Just my two cents.

7

Your husband has his priorities out of whack. Our lives, whether man or woman, should always be family before work. It is obvious he put his work first to be around a woman he has been fantasizing about. My bet is that the feeling was not mutual and now he is back home feeling like a lost puppy. Shame on him for going in that direction in the first place.

The question is why did he become this lost puppy? Has he not been growing up along with his family? Is he feeling old and believes a new woman in his life will bring back that youthful feeling again? Does he feel like he is always being set aside by you, his wife, who may be devoting a lot more time to child rearing and house management than to the marriage? He obviously knows what he was doing was wrong otherwise he would not have explained it away as an ego booster that you do not need. That is ridiculous.

I believe in marriage. And in order for marriages to last through all the morphing our families take us through, we must continue to put the marital needs ahead of all else at times. But, in your case, I would be very careful about why he does not want you to leave. Did he suddenly remember how much he really is in love with you? Does he realize just exactly what having his family with him really means? Or is he looking for a door mat, someone who will cook his dinners, clean his clothes and keep him going from day to day? He already told you he lost interest in meeting your needs because you were a ‘sure thing'. Do not become that woman who is the sure thing that meets all of his needs when he is not meeting yours.

We women do need more than just flowers to boost our egos. We need someone to hold us and love us, someone who not just listens to our words but the feelings in the depth of our soul. Yes, you should follow the advice of the others gals who have responded and recommended that maybe you need to give him some one on one time. If you truly love this man, he is worth your effort to bring that spark back into the marriage. But make sure he understands your needs too, that he knows flowers and gifts do not get our hearts pounding as much as being held and loved does. A true love relationship is more giving than receiving, both ways, and your husband will fall short on this if you don't insist on it. One gal said ultimatums are bad and she is right. But if you go back into this marriage, do make sure he knows that you have needs that must be met as much as you recognize he has needs that must be met.

8

Sounds to me like he had an affair, got dumped, and has now decided he doesn't want to be alone, so he will take you and the kids as a consolation prize. But the good news is God has blessed you with a chance of reconciling your marriage, regardless of the way it has come about. Take this opportunity to go to councelling to try to work on the real reasons you all have troubles in the first place... not just the alleged affair. I would also strongly suggest finding a church and become very active in it. Surround yourself with people who have really commited themselves to God first and in doing so committed themselves to their marriage partners. You may also want to read some books on living in the moment and dealing with life's hard lessons. I have been reading Oprah's book club book by Ekhart Tolle, "A New Earth". One of my favorite thoughts that I heard in a Tolle interview is to live in the present moment... right now you do not have a problem, right now you are alive and well, you may have a challenge to face, but in this moment you are here and don't have to take on the total weight of the anticipation of what is to come. That is my interpretation of what he said anyway. In the meantime, prepare for the possiblity of being on your own in a financial sense. I know as a stay at home mom, I am very removed from the our financial situation, so you may want to get a part time job or something and put the money aside until you are certain of where your relationship is heading. This will make your husband be more involved with things that are going on at home also!! He may find a new appreciation for you.
I am sorry that you are going through this confusing situation, but take the opportunity to grow. I will pray for you and your marriage. Good luck.

9

the smartest thing you've done so far is tell him that once you leave it is over. doesn't he realize there are 2 people in the relationship, you both get a say in things, not just him. actually, he already made his decision, he got married and had kids. it's a little late to decide you no longer want a family. counseling together may help, but only if he is really willing to make some changes and grow up. i would also suggest that you go to counseling with an open mind that there may be things that you can change also. the main thing is you have to be willing to work together. marriage is hard work, but worth the effort. good luck

10

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11

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Updated

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