One of my very close friends is currently in a super flirty relationship with a coworker and is dangerously close to cheating on her husband. She seems to think that it's something fun she can do on the side (I think she's in a mommy/husband/life rut and is looking for some excitement). She has convinced herself that if she's "extremely careful" she won't be caught and her husband will never find out. I keep telling her it's too risky, she's not invincible to getting caught and affairs never end well, but I feel like she's just not hearing me. So I thought I'd ask - have any of you cheated on your partner and gotten away with it? Or had an affair that actually ended well and that you don't regret?
They never end well....someone ALWAYS gets hurts.
My friend did ONCE and she doesn't regret it. She never got caught....so far.
Wow, no way would I ever even flirt with the idea. She only fears getting caught, but nothing else? Wow, I feel sorry for her.... even if she doesn't get caught, she may have feelings of guilt that can ultimately destroy her marriage, children's lives, even career since this is with a coworker. She could get pregnant, or an std, not to mention the pain she will put her family through, and possibly the family of the other guy if he has one...
Bella:
No. I would not want to lose my family over something like that.
How could I look at my kids and tell them that cheating is wrong if I do it?
How could I look at my kids and know that my actions ripped their world apart?
No. Tell her it's not worth it. My EX husband did it. He THOUGHT he was smart enough not to get caught...we lasted about 2 years after the first one...but ask her if it's worth losing everything she holds dear? If she doesn't hold it dear - then tell her to let him go now so she can sow those wild oats she has blooming up inside her.
Print these out for her. Let her read them. Print out the questions from the past about what cheating has done to the spouse and the kids...
Tell her that you will NOT keep secrets for her.
You will NOT be her "we're going out" person.
You WILL NOT be put in that position.
Tell her to put the flirtation that she's doing with this other man on her husband and she might be surprised at what happens.
I have always looked at things this way...
If you are going to shop lift, and potentially, possibly, be arrested, humiliated, put in jail, taken to court and have a record... The thing you are trying to steal had better be more than a pair of earrings....
If I am going to risk loosing my husband, breaking up my home, causing instability to my childs life, take on financial burdens due to having to have a new place to live, have the reputation of a cheater, and make my child mad at me for sending away her daddy...
I would have to be sure it was going to be more than a casual fling...
Does that make sense...?
All those potential consequences for a quicky with the office stud... it doesn't seem worth it...
She MAY in fact get away with it, just like you MIGHT get away with shop lifting... but you have to realize the things that COULD happen and weigh those when you are thinking of breaking the rules...
Just my opinion...
ETA: I agree with Cheryl, don't promise to keep her secret either.
Some people think it's exciting to live a double life, it makes them feel powerful and entitled.Their ego is so swollen, it clouds their mind. She will not listen simply because she chose to go forth with the affair well before asking for your advice. She's in it. Unless it's a one night stand there's no "being extremely careful", she's fooling herself. She will sooner or later find out that the pain the whole thing will cause her is far bigger than the pleasure she's getting out of it. It's a shame that these people do not realize it before hand. She's cheating on her whole family, not just on her husband, who has probably every fault under the sun in this moment of their married life. You know what? If I were her friend I would tell her: "Hey, you're not perfect either".
It is possible but she has to be real carful about not developing and emotional feelings for the guy and the other way around. That is when the trouble will start. And of course that cheating is just wrong.
Tell her that some day she will be an old lady with wrinkles and saggy skin, and she won't be proud of this behavior.
How would she like it if her husband was behaving like this?
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Before I do anything I think what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot, and then I never do anything that would break my Hubby's heart or even make him jealous.
Grownups don't play around with emotions like that.
But, some have to learn the hard way.
You play with fire long enough and eventually you WILL get burned.
I haven't - but sure, it can be done - at the cost of your soul.
My mama always told me that actions affect your soul - not in the 'go to hell' idea. Rather that the regret for doing the "wrong thing" would eat at you from the inside.
As a recovering alcoholic, I found out she was right. My actions over a lifetime had so blackened my core, that I almost lost who I was.
Can she be honest with herself? Can she look herself in the mirror? Is she proud of her actions?
If she hesitates at these questions - then she shouldn't do it because it's not within her moral code. And that will cause her to lose a little tiny bit of her soul.
A tiny bit that she's ashamed of.
A tiny bit she can't share with her husband.
A tiny bit she'll do anything not to be confronted with.
Proof that she knows it's wrong - she's already trying to conceal it. The conceal never stops - even after the affair is over. I hope she remembers the cover lies she told - for the next 50 years.
I had a two-year affair with a man I met at work when I was 23 (he was 30). I left that company and got a new job after about a year and a half. Then, we both got divorced and a few years later married each other. We've been in a 28 year relationship so far, raised his two kids, and are raising our own daughter now, and have three grandchildren. The affair had its very difficult times. I wouldn't recommend this to others. His family took a long time to accept, and then like, me. But, "cheating" did not ruin my life, my career, my health, or anything else. This man, with all his challenges, is the love of my life.
I would never even think of doing this either. One of the greatest things about my marriage (believe me we have our rough spots just like everyone else) is our trust in each other. I would NEVER doing something to lose that, even if I thought I could get away with it. The last thing I would ever want to do is have my husband lose his trust in me. It really does sound like your coworker is in a rut, as her friend continue to encourage her and discuss with her how important trust is, how much she loves her kids etc. Maybe as a friend you can be a good example and deter her away from this.
I think is not only possible but it happens very often too.
I am not even talking about cheating and not be caught which I am sure it happens but even if they get caught many would forgive them so in a way to me that is getting a away with it too.
I have cheat and I have being cheated in the past, looking back both things would have being avoided if I would have be more mature and careful on who I dated. I didn't broke up for that reason so I guess you can say we got a away, but I am not married to them and I do regret it so looking that way, no we didn't got away.
I think that what have change then and now, is stop thinking that there is a Mr./Mrs. Right (there is not), understand that is always is easier to be nicer when you don't have to deal with BOTH the good and the bad of your couple, understand that even with all that, and trying your best it is a chance that you stop loving that person but that you married a person that deserve your honesty as well as your self.
AND
find somebody that understand and agree with this too.
It goes both ways to make it work or to at least walk away with your head up.
I've been cheated on. I've never cheated. I've had friends who were cheated on, and ones who were in affairs with married men.
I have never seen it end well. And I have never known anyone to get away with it. Even before the person's spouse finds out, their world starts to crumble. I do know one man who my friend had an affair with, and his wife didn't find out (about my friend, but she may know he cheats). He cheats on her with lots of people. He belly aches to everyone how bad their marriage is. Gee wonder why.
Your friend should exert her boredom and energy to bettering her own relationship with her husband. But she won't. The type of people who do this are just that: The type of people who do this.
If she was a real woman she'd leave her husband properly to chase her work buddy rather than keep her husband's respect, love, and the home he provides while running around like a slut at work. She's lower than scum if she does this, and deserves whatever she gets. I only feel bad for her family, not her. She can have her cake and eat it for a while, but it will bite her in the ass, and if they have kids, she'll have to answer to them one day. And even if she doesn't get "caught" and just cheats for a while and then, what, goes back to not cheating?....no. She won't be happy. She'll feel like shit. Unless she has no soul.
God will know, and good things wont come to her. What comes around goes around and it WILL come back to her somehow.
Personally, my mind would be tortured if I did something like that.
Isnt it interesting how selfish some people are?
Mommy/husband/life rut? Tell her to put her big girl panties on and get some help if shes depressed!
I would worry for your friend, her husband and her kids!
why is getting caught the issue? what about IT'S WRONG.
she has obviously never been cheated on. and it's sad that my first thought is that. why can't people do the right thing regardless?
ask her how she'd feel if her hubby did it to her. would even that stop her?
and i really can't believe ANYone would be on here sharing "good" cheating stories.
what is wrong with people!?!??!?
and YES i agree with Cheryl O as well - under NO circumstances should you keep this secret for her. you aren't her cover, you aren't her alibi, HELL NO.
Your friend should tell her husband she wants/ needs a boyfriend and she wants it to be him! There are ways to spice up your marriage. If she actually wants another man to be her boyfriend then she should at least separate from her husband. I think sneaking around and cheating on a spouse shows complete and utter disrespect for your mate. How you could do that to someone you claimed to love is beyond me.
No I haven't cheated, so I don't have to worry about "getting away with it" at all. I have more love and respect for my spouse and child than to do that.
I know of people that have cheated, and no one has "gotten away" with it.
I know people that have allowed their "normal" to morph into something that is anything but normal. Some people delude themselves that immoral behavior is only that if no one else knows about it. So not true!
Would never dream of it...but mostly because I love my husband. Sounds like your friend needs to reevaluate her life. She sounds selfish and foolish if she's just doing it for kicks. If she's not in love with her husband, she needs to be honest with him and do whatever it takes to rebuild her relationship with her husband, before starting a new relationship with someone else. If she is truly done with her husband...she should ask for a divorce...not cheat on him.
Lastly, I know many people (unfortunately) who have played this dangerous game and none of those cases ended well. In fact, one ended in a shocking domestic incident and a near death because the spouse who was cheated on was so jealous, hurt and betrayed. It's a terrible and foolish thing to do.
Furthermore, you don't mix business with pleasure. She could lose her job, her reputation in her field of work, and end up alone with no one to love her if things get out in the open at work and her "boyfriend" dumps her as well as her spouse. Heaven help her if she loses custody of her kids.
She has alot to lose and nothing to gain but headaches and heartaches.
My father was a cheater and my mother finally left him when I was 11 yrs old and I was the youngest of 4.
It was a nasty divorce and we all figured out what had happened and why mom left.
I don't blame her and I had lasting issues because of it.
It took me years to be able to be in a relationship and trust the man I was with.
I was always on the look out and just expecting that he was going to cheat.
My older brothers have never been able to have a relationship last because guess what they always end up cheating.
Their views on women and what they have done to the mother of their kids is so far beyond my understanding.
I do believe they have these issues because of our family being broken up over cheating.
So, you see it is not just affecting her or her husband but she could be causing her kids a lifetime of trust and relationship issues.
Is that really worth it?
If she is that unhappy with him she needs to talk it out with him or just leave him.
Sure that will still be hard on the kids but not as much as if they found out later on their worlds were torn apart all because of her self satisfaction.
When we become parents we take on a responsibility to stop acting like children and grow up.
Maybe she needs to find a hobby or something in her life that makes her feel alive again?
Just some suggestions but I see alot of people getting hurt in this situation all because she is looking for some instant gratification!
Oh and will it be worth it for her kids to possibly have issues with her growing up as well?
I have finally forgave my father but that took my years as well.