Just curious...mainly because I feel like it humbles me more and more everyday. I feel that I learned a long time ago not to be judgemental of others, and to be open minded. I had a "rocky" upbringing. My bio father was out of the picture before I could remember and was drug addict. He bounced in and out of my life a few times before I as an older teen put a stop to it. My second step-dad was an alcoholic. Verbally and very emotionally abusive, and physical at times. I actually was the one who ended the cycle because at 14 I went to school and ask that my principal call the police. The state warned my mom that if she went back, we'd be removed from her custody. She then rejected me for about a year saying I screwed up her life and she passed me off on friends parents...
That said I face a lot of judgement and "rumors" in school, and ended up making an array of mistakes as young adult. I felt very unsure of myself and sort of isolated and alone. I felt very little sense of family.
When I became a mom, I very quickly realized that the responsibility is %110 larger then I could have ever imagined. And although I have TRIED to not judge others, it makes me realize even more that every situation, every child is different. There is never one right answer for every situtaion, child or family.
So I am wondering, does every one gets the moments of thinking "Here's what I would I do. But that doens't make it right or law."?? Or do you ever think "What the heck am I doing wrong??"
Sorry if this is all over the place, I just see so many jumps to judgements, that I wonder how many sit back and realize that all (or most) parents are doing the best they can and try to give constructive, encouraging advice instead of criticism.
This question isn't directed at anyone or anything here BTW!!! I have been struggling with some parenting dilema's and have been thinking how many feel like I do!
My kids are great and healthy and beautiful. but man, do they make me question my abilities sometimes! They seem to know how to push any and every button I have...then kiss me right when my head is about to explode! And the youngest is two!
I envy the moms who "seem" like they have it all together. Even if it just seems that way...I can't pull it off!
Yes - I was the best parent EVER before I had kids LOL
Can I ask YOU a question? Just curious, has your ever expanding humility due to motherhood at all softened your own childhood? I mean has it help you forgive your own mom at all? Or maybe made it even more affecting that your mpm was not the best mom ever?
ETA: i thought your post was beautiful and seemed so pulled together, I wondered how your relationship with your mom is. I am so pleased to hear how healthy you are. You’re an insiration to us all.
You are an exceptional mother-I can tell by the way you write how fiercely you love your children and how very lucky they are-no one has it “all” together-they’re just not about to give up trying and neither will you! Best!
There are many of us moms that are making it up as we go. I had a lot of love and some bad examples at times, just like my kids will remember it, I suspect! I understood the moment I gave birth that every decision would never be just my own, again. I read a lot of books, found a lot of good moms and did the best I could. Even those good moms had times of being completely stumped. It’s much harder to know what to do when you don’t have experience to tell you what’s in the range of normal or when the problem lies with your child or your parenting.
Sometimes it comes off on here as being a know it all, but there are times strangers can give an outside discernment and divide the problem into manageable changes. Or experience with that particular problem can be very helpful. Still with all that, you have to filter it through YOUR brain for YOUR situation. Good luck!
Yes, parenting is very humbling. I think you especially realize that when you have a second child. Each child is unique from birth. I think the mother’s intuition is learned by trial and error with each child.
Every household has different rules and different expectations. Think of a playdate with a child who doesn’t know “your” house rules and the look of shock/horror on your child’s face when the playmate breaks a rule. Doesn’t necessarily make them wrong, just different.
Years ago, my daughter and her bestie had a knock down drag out catfight. As the other mother is telling me about it, I’m going over in my head what I would say and how I’d handle it. I would’ve sat them down and told them how we don’t fight like that and don’t hit our friends, etc. She stood in the kitchen with them and said, what would you two think if your mom and I were rolling around on the ground like that? They instantly understood and never fought like that again. Was her response better than mine???
As my kids are 17 and 15 now, they humble me very regularly. They know how to push my buttons and they know when I’ve hit the limit. They’re testing their boundaries and learning to become adults. They’re old enough to make a lot of choices on their own and when they make good ones, I do an imaginery high five to myself. When they don’t make the best choices, I feel like I’m failing. Then take a step back and remember its all part of growing up. They’re supposed to make mistakes - its how we all learn to make the right ones and how to pick ourselves back up
I think at one point or another we all feel like we are barely holding on. (Regardless of what it looks like from the outside) And the more I talk to other moms I realize almost all of them feel the same way. Especially, being that I was the first of my friends to start having a family. They are currently in phases I faced before. They always ask me how did you get through it and I’m honest with them, time and patience. (Or at least I tried to get through it with patience.) I think there is no magic answer and certainly even though the situations are completely similar they are still different. So we as moms go to the other moms for ideas and maybe just some reassurance, but certainly not all of it holds true for everyone. So ya, I guess motherhood has humbled me some, even more so now that my friends are going through similar problems I went through. Best part is, I have realized to share with them things that worked for me. But I’m also quick to point out that when I look back a lot of it had to do with my kids maturing and growing up aka time.
Um…to be honest. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions…some humble some self righteous.
I think with age and life’s experiences I have learned to see people through more compassionate eyes. I look at everyone here on God’s green earth as just trying to do THEIR best. Someone’s best might not be MY best but that is not my business. They have struggles that I will never know. They are just trying to survive…trying to be loved and trying to be accepted.
I used to be quite resentful of some of the poor parenting choices my mom made. She lived in denial(still does) and it is her way to cope with things that are uncomfortable or just too hard to face and tackle. I try to just love her..and realize she is a woman like me struggling through life with insecurities and heartache…and not look to her as a superwoman mommy figure that can make all my boo boos go away.
This has helped me forgive…and heal…and grow up and be my own woman.
Then there is my dad who walked out on our family. It is another humbling experience to work on getting to a place where I could forgive him and try to salvage some sort of a relationship with him. I went from righteous indignation to sincere forgiveness for the fallible man he was and still is.
Forgiving is a loooong process. But is is very humbling…and peaceful. And I occasionally have to regroup and wrap my brain around forgiveness and lay my burden on the Lord when I have childhood flashbacks and then want to take a knee to my dad’s crotch!!
I am one of those moms that everyone thinks has it all together. But.. I am the first to admit I don’t…but just trying each day to do MY best. I admit when I am wrong..I admit when something is going pretty darn good and feel inclined to share my little tidbit of advice.
Not sure if this is what you were looking for…but here are the ramblings in my head that your question piqued.
Frankly I thought I had my -hit together when I decided to have kids. I did not have a very nice childhood but I tried to sort out the mess and move on in a good way. Snort. Reality and motherhood set in and have knocked me on my butt more times than I care to count. Son number one has been humbling. Adding son number two to the mix has been utterly mortifying. I am glad my life is lived behind closed doors and with a loving husband who rallies behind me and supports me in spite of it all. I realize I still have a healthy distance to go before I become the person I want to be and the person my family deserves to have. My oldest is only a little over two and for someone who is less than four feet tall he is one determined, challenging whirlwind of chaos. Some days all I try to do survive and not cause him too much damage. I am glad I am not social so I don’t have other parents to compare myself to. I prefer to believe the vast majority of us do the best we can and while it’s not always very pretty, it gets the job done. We survived our parents so shall our children survive us. I figure my intentions and my heart are in the right place and with my daily striving to do better than I did the day before, I am honestly doing the best I can. I love my kids and I know they will never doubt that. My sanity, perhaps. My love for them, no.
Good for you for walking away from what had to have been a very difficult upbringing and still learning from it! While you may always hold resentment, you also sound like you know it’s better to move forward and try not to look back.
I had a very normal upbringing. 2 parents, nice house, car when I was 16. But I still have things that bother me and on days, have a hard time letting go, so I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.
And I have to agree w/ you…after becoming a parent, one of the most valuable lessons I learned was that every single child and family is different and just because we may all do things differently, does NOT mean one is wrong or better. And I also have seen that sometimes you can be the best parent in the world and you may still have a child who strays down the wrong path.
And that mom you see yelling at her kids at Walmart, I have also learned not to judge as harshly…I have been a frustrated mom myself many times, and had trouble controlling my words…we don’t always know the circumstances leading up to that frustrated mom and why she is losing control of herself. Not that it makes it ok, but it helps to try and understand and not judge.
I think we always judge, especially on days when we ourselves are feeling like we failed or have stress.
Hang in there and do your best and know that that’s all you can do…and good for you for working on your relationship w/your own mom.
I haven’t read all the responses because i am short on time. I had to say though that,yes, parenting is humbling!! I think it part of the design to have to face issues (you wouldn’t otherwise have to or care to) through the eyes of those you love more than yourself. I have days when i feel strong and on top of it all, and lots of days when I wonder if I’ve done anything right. The truth is always somewhere in the middle I think. I’ve done good, and if I’m honest I’ve done some things the wrong way, but I hope I can do better each and every time. Mistakes can be great teachers too.
I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day that pretty much summed it up for me:
Behind every great Kid is a Mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up
Yes! Humbling because you FINALLY realize how hard it is once you’re a parent. You realize you should never judge another parent for their actions. Nothing can prepare you for that huge responsibility, and when you’re in it, you’re never fully sure if you’re doing it right or well enough.
However, it is also humiliating, rewarding, frustrating, awe-inspiring, and the list could go on… I never knew I could feel so many different things for just doing one job.
Have a great day!
Absolutely. And good for you for getting through all you did as a kid. Ironically, being so humbled probably made me more judgemental though of people who have lousy family/home situations and even after the first kid which should clue them in how hard parenting is, go on to have several more. I don’t get that decision process… I used to want 4 children and after the first realized how hard it is and said I will stop at 2 bc I don’t think I have enough to give to 4. It’s great that some people do have enough to give to lots of kids but when people don’t but keep going with more and more kids anyway, to me it’s like they haven’t been properly humbled and like I said, I don’t get that. It’s likely an unpopular stance but it’s how I feel.
I’m usually not a violent person, but when it comes to my “family” I will and have fought tooth and nail to defend and protect.
When I became a mom I had the realization that not only would I gladly place myself between any danger and my daughter, but I would gladly hunt down and remove appendages from anyone who harmed her. Since my daughter, I have become a little frightening and vindictive.
Another: I don’t expect her to be perfect, I’m only here to make sure she survives to adulthood. So far we’ve made it to 6.
Good to see I’m not the only one who loves their “littles” but at times feel like sticking them in a box and closing the lid.
I had a slightly less than optimal upbringing as well. Nothing like yours but emotionally uninterested, unsupportive, uninvolved parents. I still have issues and struggle with self-esteem. My husband also had some major health problems that consumed the first 5 years of our marriage.
Having my daughter has humbled me in ways I’ve never expected. Having her come from the love between my husband and I is a miracle I hope I never get over. Working along with God to create such an amazing and beautiful being just takes my breath away. DD is 13 now - supposedly the terrible years people warn you about. She is the exact opposite of all that. She is sweet and helpful and loving and shows no signs of the attitude so many expect at this age. Just today we were laughing over something and she said - you’re such an amazing Mom - I love you so much. Ahhhh - and the angels sang.
I’m humbled every day that God has loaned to me such a sweet girl. I just told her that she’s even more special than I ever imagined a child could be. She’s more than I will ever deserve and she’s rescued me in more ways I can articulate. We have the relationship I could only wish for as a child. God is good.