My in-laws have always shown favoritism towards my SIL's kids, and my husband and I have talked to them about this in the past. However, it is getting worse the older the kids get. They spend a lot of time with SIL's kids, and when we invite them to something for our kids, they claim they are sick, already had plans, etc. Of course, we have busted them later when we found out that they instead went to their favorite restaurant that night when they were "sick". Anyway, it pretty much came to a head the other day. Our niece turned 15 this weekend, and very proudly displayed on FB her card and gift from the "greatest mawmaw and pawpaw in the world!" It was $100. Our oldest turned 18 last month, and he got $30. For Christmas, they bugged me continuously about what to get our kids. I suggested a coffee maker that our son wanted, and my MIL instead suggested that she just give him her percolator that she has not used for years. I told her that it was not a safe item any longer and that he wanted his own, not a hand-me-down. (Don't get me wrong. I buy resale for my kids because we struggle. They never complain, but I do believe they deserve something new that is theirs to begin with sometimes.) Our kids ended up with blankets and $50 each. (I had told her when she turned down the coffee maker that my parents had already bought them new blankets for Christmas. If you ask for a receipt, she gets offended.) The in-laws always ask what my kids want or need, and then if they don't like what it is, they tell us so and that is why they don't get it. (Don't like the pattern, style, etc.) But our nephew has gotten an electric guitar and my father-in-law's truck that he didn't want to drive anymore. Our son is the oldest grandchild. They get fancy name brand mall clothes. My kids get presents from yard sales and Goodwill, most of it stained or the wrong size. This weekend was just the icing on the cake. We try to avoid them as much as possible because it hurts our kids (18,15 and 9) to be around them. Obviously, it was tacky for our niece to broadcast it on FB, but I just didn't think it was fair to give her such an elaborate gift when ours get peanuts. Any suggestions on how to further handle this? I have looked for quotes to just throw out on FB that hopefully they would get the hint, but can't find any. (My in-laws are forever out there on FB, and my FIL has to make a comment, usually negative about anything I post anyway.) For the record, it is not about how much they spend. (The percolator issue has to do with it will not meet codes in his college dorm because of its age.) My kids would love to just have them spend time with them, going to their school events or just visiting with them. My kids used to ask them when they were small when they could spend the night like the cousins. They were always told "Sometime.", which never came. So my kids stopped asking. Our kids are not superficial like the others. My in-laws even make fun of them for practicing their faith, so they hate to invite them for any church related things they are involved in. (I am always the one to invite them, because I try to keep them up on what the kids are doing.) Thank God my parents have always been supportive of our kids and show them love and compassion. They have never played favorites among their grandchildren because my grandmother did the same to us.
You cannot control other people’s behavior, only your reaction to them.
Use this as teaching moment to your kids - They need to respect their elders, but learn from their mistakes and not treat others the same way. They have chosen they favorite, and one day when they cannot get her attention without paying for it, they will wonder why.
Limiting your time with them is good. Stop giving them ideas for your kids, just smile and say “what ever you think is best”. Stop making plans with them, if they ever ask why, tell them you didn’t think they would be interested. Don’t rely on them in any way.
Are there any other relatives around that they can spend time and develop a healthy relationship with? Many people grow up just fine without grandparents. It’s sad, but just another fact of life.
Expectations are the road to hell. You are expecting your in-laws to be something other than who they are. You cling to a “should” - “They should treat the grandkids equally.” Whether they should or shouldn’t, they don’t. You cannot change them. You can express how you feel and what you see openly, clearly and directly. However, you cannot communicate with the intention to get them to change. You can only share how it is affecting you.
Letting go of the expectation/shoulds and simply accepting that it is the way it is will allow you to feel better. I know that sounds strange, but really, acceptance always feels better than arguing with reality. Somehow we cling to false ideas like “life should be fair” and it only makes us feel frustrated, angry, and hurt. If we simply acknowledge that life (and the people in it) aren’t fair then we have the ability to choose how we respond to unfair situations and people. Your choices can then be based on good communication skills, boundaries, and taking responsibility for your own well-being rather than giving your power away to someone else.
You are allowing your in-laws’ behavior to cause stress in your life rather than letting them be the way they are and moving on in your life without attachment to how they should be.
You may still feel hurt. However, allow yourself the space to feel the feelings and then move on. Focus on self-care rather than on making someone else different. Focus on teaching and learning from the situation rather than changing something that can’t be changed.
We all want to feel better. Too often, though, we focus on shifting the wrong things. We can shift our own thoughts and beliefs. We cannot shift someone else’s behaviors.
As for “hints” on FB, don’t. First, hinting never works; it is passive-aggressive and will only add fuel to the fire. Second, you would be focusing on changing them rather than focusing on shifting how you are reacting through your thoughts and beliefs about them. Instead, get curious about the “shoulds” that are going through your head and question those deeply. A great resource for this situation is Byron Katie at www.thework.com. She has free tools to support you in feeling much better about this situation.
Why bother?
They are not going to change and this is just eating you up.
I’d de-friend them and not have so much contact with them.
Surrounding yourself and immediate family with people who DO care for you is better than harping over blood relatives that treat you like crap.
There’s nothing fair about it but you can not change them or how they treat your kids.
Maybe your kids can pass on their ‘gifts’ from your MIL/FIL to their cousins.
I wonder how MIL/FIL will feel about their pet grandchildren getting these kind of gifts?
It’s not going to solve or change anything but the sh*t will hit the fan at a different angle.
Honestly my kids claim I play favorites. I don’t by the way. They see it because they, like most humans, focus on what others get and tend to forget what they get. Not saying this is the case with you but I am quite sure this process makes it appear worse.
I love percolators and although inefficient they are not dangerous. If it was functional he probably could have sold it to a collector and had his new coffee maker and money in the bank.
Anyway, my ex’s family takes what you are talking about to crazy extremes. Like every year they probably spend 5,000 on the grandchildren of the daughters, each grandchild, that isn’t a typo. Maybe, in a good year, they spend 1,000 on mine and that is mostly guilt make up Christmas gifts. Yes they are quite wealthy but that is besides the point. It is just I can see you here thinking I would love for my in laws to spend 1,000 a year on my kids! It isn’t the money, it is that they are an after thought.
My father thinks it is awful what they do and he makes up for it. That is what I point out to my kids, they will never change but really grandpa loves you enough for four grandparents! Take time to see what you have, don’t dwell on what you don’t have.
Please tell me that when you heard people say remove them from your FB they meant just quietly removing them. No big dramatic I am done with you people nonsense! Just step away because although I didn’t mention it you seem to encourage the drama with things like “busting” them.
You told her that her percolator was unsafe and that he wanted his own? That was not nice of you!
You want him go have his own? You buy it.
i can totally understand your pique. that degree of favoritism would rankle me too.
but you’re not taking much of a high road here. ‘of course’ you ‘busted’ them? really? like it’s actually any of your business what they do and where they go?
i don’t like that they lied, but if you are bossy enough to ‘bust them’, i suspect you’re overbearing enough to make them feel harried. it’s also pretty unattractive to haggle over an offered gift, whether or not you like it. if your son doesn’t want the coffee maker, he should simply say ‘thank you’ and then give it to goodwill (or toss it.)
you can’t nag them into gifting the way you think is appropriate.
you all sound pretty negative to me.
if you gave up your unrealistic expectations of them, you wouldn’t be so continually stuck in anger.
khairete
suz
That is so not right! The worse kind of rejection is from your own family, blood or by marriage.
I totally agree with you…if you already buy 2nd hand things, receiving a gift that’s brand new for birthdays and special occasions is a very special treat. What mom WOULDN’T want that for their child?
Stop making excuses for your in-laws. You can’t keep making up excuses or justifying their motives when you don’t know what they’re thinking. So ask them…or better yet, have your children ask them when they start noticing the difference in gift quality. Let your kids hear from themselves, straight from the horses’ mouth.
I would just stop contacting them, stop inviting them for birthdays and holidays. If at some point, they question it, I would simply say “It hurts us and our children immensely that you favor your daughter’s kids and treat them differently. You gave “Tommy” $30 for his birthday which he appreciated until he saw “Mary’s” facebook post showing her $100 bill from you guys. It’s unfair and I refuse to allow my children to be hurt in this way. Until you can start treating all of your grandchildren equally, we will be keeping our distance. Surely you can understand?”
Sounds like your inlaws are not who you want them to be.
You are making yourself look and sound crazy “trying to get them” to play by “your rules”.
See them for who they are (and are going to be) and accept that. Allow your children to see them for who they are and accept that.
Allowing your children to see people, even grown-ups and relatives, for who they really are will help your children have realistic expectations of others and help them navigate life more then any other $100 gift or name brand gift will.
It is hurtful and unfair. You can’t change them. You an only change your reaction to them.
Growing up I had a similar situation. My paternal grandmother favored my cousins. While I got a $100 gift card for my 16th birthday, she bought all three of my cousins cars. CARS! And to make matter worse, this was before facebook, so my discovery of this was more embarrassing. I was at a function and my cousin asked to check out my new car. When I asked her what she was talking about, she said “Well Mee Maw got me a car, and x a car and y a car. It’s your turn, what kind did she get you?” I was embarrassed and hurt. Went to a bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I went home expected my mother to help me bash my grandmother. I was surprised when she didn’t. She agreed that it wasn’t fair and it was hurtful. BUt she also reminded me that my grandmother was under no obligation to get me anything. And she reminded me that, until the party, I enjoyed the money. And she told me that there may be so much more to the story that I didn’t understand…stuff she didn’t understand. She told me that I couldn’t spend my life making comparisons and balancing out the scale. I had to appreciate what I had and not envy what others had, otherwise I would spend much of my time being unhappy.
Now it took some time for that lesson to sink in. And I am still not close to my grandmother. We are friendly, but we are not close. I don’t understand what makes her tick. I don’t understand why she doesn’t shower me or my kids with the things she showers upon my cousins. BUT she does spend four hours on the road to see me and my family, she doesn’t do this for my cousins who live four hours the other direction. She calls me more often than the others. So I still enjoy what I get with her. I try not to focus on what I am not getting. Life is too short for score keeping. My life has turned out just fine without her “stuff”.
Donna, been there, have the t-shirt. What I have realized is that I can’t change my in-laws. My kids understand what was going on. They would make comments and I would say “ask your meme and papa.” I covered for a lot of years but when the kids got in their teens, I realized that I was done covering. I NEVER bad mouthed but I would not cover either. I was done. I always said “ask meme and papa”.
It came to a head a couple of years ago. My husband actually sent an e-mail to them explaining how they had hurt the kids and us. My MIL was upset and called my BIL (her other son). He flat out told her that what my husband had written in the e-mail was true.
Has it gotten better? Slightly but it will never be like with my parents. My MIL told me one time she doesn’t worry about us but she worries about my niece and her kids. Long story. What I took away from that is we have our shit together and don’t need anything from them. WRONG!
For the most part, I’m over it. My kids are adults now but with a polite relationship with their grandparents, which is sad.
I have sworn to myself that when I become a grandparent, I will NEVER be like that with my grandchildren.
I’m sorry Donna, but once you start keeping score, gifts are no longer gifts, but expectations.
Is gift receiving a competition?
To be frank, this post kinda makes you come off as a money grubbing, entitled control freak.
So…perhaps that’s WHY the Grandparents snub you?
Any gift is a generous gesture of goodwill, and more than no gift at all.
I can’t imagine wasting my time, talent, and energy to weigh and measure who’s getting what as gifts.
I also don’t think posting some cryptic insult on FB is going to inspire them to give you more of their money.
OMG… we have gone through this BS ourselves! Listen, point blank. Stop surrounding yourself around them! That is what we did. We had too. They favored everyone else’s kids but ours. They went above and beyond for the other grandchildren and treated ours like they were chopped liver. My now 16 year old caught onto it real quick and it was very hurtful but i cannot have my children feeling that way. It is my job to protect my babies and when it comes to my babies, this mama’s strips come on real fast! My MIL has since passed on and my FIL does not make one OUNCE OF EFFORT to see his grandkids. He is forever going to everyone else’s grandkids functions but ours. I had enough. I dont need that negativity around my kids, nor do i want it. And yes it hurts us parents to see favoritism given to the other grand kids and not ours. Good luck!
I loved Tiffany’s response and agree with her very much.
It hurts, no doubt. But I would really try to let go of ALL my expectations. Disengage and stay off FB. Focus on your own life and your own family. Stop letting this take up so much space in your head. It’s hard, I know.
Good luck.
How to handle this: Accept that this is how it is always going to be with them and decide to limit the contact/stop all contact — depending on what you want to do. Let the kids know that it’s really not about them, it’s that grandma and grandpa are a bit strange in their thinking and to just say ‘thank you’ and move on. If you feel like it’s all hurt/no relationship, just stop talking to these people, stop going to see them.
Listen, I have a toxic parent, and so my kid isn’t around them, period. Boundaries are good things. You don’t have to play this game with them…your husband can just say to his parents “you treat my kids like they don’t matter and make no effort to show them any true affection or love, so we’re done here”. No one is stopping you, as parents, from just telling them that it’s over.
That said, you do want to go forward in a healthier way. Stay off Facebook-- or at least, your extended family’s pages–you know you will find family drama just waiting for you.Consider taking down your Facebook page and start one under a nickname just for friends-- as far as family is concerned, just disappear from FB. Stop engaging in any way with them if they’re just going to be jerks about it. Do not mention the slights and favoritism to your children. If they do point it out, a simple “yeah, I don’t know what they were thinking” is fine. Your niece, I’ve gotta say, is just doing what teenagers do, bragging about her money. Her parents probably need to reign that in, but try not to get so enmeshed in this stuff. If you can just decide to let that part of the family ‘be’, focus elsewhere, it is better for everyone.
Please, no quotes to throw out on FB. You cannot expect your niece/nephew to not say what they feel about their grandparents on their own FB. Instead, quietly defriend them. You and your children do not need to be facebook friends with them. None of you should be FB friends with your inlaws either. You and your children shouldn’t have to read ANYTHING negative your FIL says…
You and your husband need to decide just how much you and the kids want to associate with them. I would rather not discuss gifts of any kind with them rather than have them NOT buy what the kids ask for. It IS something you should talk to the kids about. They are very aware of what is going on anyway.
My BFF has in laws like this and I can tell you THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
Beyond telling them how you feel (which you have done) that’s it. You can’t control other people, only your reaction to them.
So they are jerks, you need to accept it and move on. Don’t post passive aggressive FB quotes, they won’t see themselves in it, and it just makes you look lame in the eyes of your family and friends.
Your kids are plenty old enough to understand that life isn’t always fair, and so are you. Trying to control or change other people isn’t worth your time or energy, focus on the positive things in your life and teach your kids to do the same, you’ll all be much happier.
Your kids are old enough to do this too.
If it were my kiddos and the girl had posted a pic of the card my kiddo’s would have made it a point to comment something along these lines.
“Wow, cool gift, Maw Maw and Paw Paw gave me used shirt that had big stains on it for my gift. I wanted a simple cheap coffeemaker but they thought I deserved a dirty used shirt instead”.
“That’s awesome cousin, it must be wonderful to have grandparents that like you. I don’t have that in my family. I get garage sale shirts that are stained up and worn out for my gifts”.
“Hey cousin, want to know that Maw Maw and Paw Paw gave us? Check out my wall photo’s because I posted pics of the fabulous presents I unwrapped at Christmas. Yes, that is a used shirt and yes, those are stains on it.”
I’d let them share their hurt and photo’s and everything on FB. Those grandparents need to be publicly humiliated. Pretending to love someone is wrong, especially when it’s so obvious they prefer other kids.
Now I will say, some families don’t realize they are doing it but sometimes they come off as picky or not appreciative.
If grandma and grandpa feel like that then they need to be able to say “That’s not what we’d like to get them or can’t we get them something else?”
They do need to be able to say no but they also need to make the substitute gifts appropriate or the kids need to simply say “no thank you, I already have this item” then hand it back to them.
A lot of replies are focusing just on the gift-giving disparities, and I do think that by your own focus on that, the larger problem got a bit lost: These grandparents don’t seem to have any interest in coming to see your kids’ activities or events, or even having the kids to their house to visit on their own. And THAT disparity is the one that matters, much more than the differences in gifts.
This is your opportunity to model a few really good things for your children, so that something positive comes out of years of neglect (not years of unequal gifts – years of not coming to the class show, the chorus concert, the preschool holiday event).
Model class and restraint by not, not, not posting some kind of comeback on FB. That is the low road, frankly, and not the mature response. I know it’s temping to do because you’re sick of this and rightly so, but if you do that, you are teaching your own kids that it’s OK to go online and do the equivalent of a finger at someone else. Instead, defriend all those involved, or just block them or whatever, if defriending is going to cause drama. Model how to walk away from drama and not perpetuate it.
Model the ability to say: “It’s sad that grandma and grandpa have not seen as much of you as we all would like, but they are adults and their choices are theirs.” Then do encourage your kids to be polite: Yes, they should send grandma and grandpa a birthday card. A thank-you note for the $30 that was not $100 (which should not be a topic of discussion by the way, or it sends kids the message that “comparing gifts is OK and complaining about them is allowed”). They should be cordial to the grandparents when they do see them. I did not say warm and fuzzy - cordial and polite. No one should be able to say, “Well, that set of kids is cold and rude anyway.” Nope, have the kids be cordial and that’s it. They will be thrown togehter with the grandparents at some point; you do not have to seek out the grandparents any more, but if the kids encounter them, I’d be darned sure that the encounter was perfectly civilized on your part and your kids’ parts so that you are taking the high road once again.
It’s hard to do that, the right thing, the high road, when others have let you down, but if you send your kids the message by your action that it’s OK to bear grudges and not let things go; that it’s OK to go public with revenge posts or insults; that it’s OK to focus on what they didn’t get and feel entitled to get – you’ve blown the chance to make your kids better people out of all this. It’s painful and crappy of the grandparents, but I’d just stop inviting them places; let your husband keep them posted on the kids’ doings in a basic way but not online since that gets passed around and invites drama; and ensure the kids maintain polite contact but that’s it.
Your kids no longer ask to spend time with the grandparents so they are not missing grandma and grandpa and you know the grandparents are not going to change. So maybe have your kids focus on some relationships with older adults in your church, and lend a hand to those adults too. But you need to let this go yourself so that you can back down from your anger and not let it infect your kids.