I have a question to ask and I don't know if any one else feels this way or am I being selfish. I'm a grandmother to several wonderful grandchildren and I love them with all I am. I enjoy being with them taking them places and just sitting and watching them be. I raised my children and I told my children that I wouldn't mind watching their children from time to time but that I don't want to watch them on a full time bases because they work. I know many grandparents watch their grandchildren but I don't think it's fair that many in this generation think it's owed to them that you take care of their children. I don't like feeling that it's my duty to do this. I feel taken for granted and don't like my children "expecting" me to watch their children. I don't know if they even appreciate it. My one child says to me, I just got my work schedule. Look it over and let me know what works for you!! The other grandparents don't seem to feel as I do unless they do and they don't voice it. I know I haven't voiced it to them. I know many grandparents do watch the kids but they don't love it either and just go with the flow. I guess I just want to know how others feel. And are there any thoughts as to how to let your children know that you don't want to watch them while they are working. I don't know...maybe someone out there will understand where I'm coming from. I love my children and grandchildren I'm just not really in to babysitting. Help....
I have 8 grandchildren and I told my children I would love to babysit if they want to go out for a little while. I also told them that if they want me to babysit while they are making money that I expect to be paid also. And I expect to be paid whatever the going rate is. Its only fair if you are going to be tied down that you be compensated.
You already raised your children, now you can enjoy your grandchildren and let them do the raising. My mom told me the exact same thing when I had my first - she would babysit occasionally, but certainly NOT be my daycare!! Stick to your ground.
I work part time and when I went back to work five years ago (my children are now 7, 9, and 11), my mom babysat for us 10 hours a week and we paid her $10 per hour. More recently she babysits like 1-2 hours per week (one morning before they get on the bus, not at all in the summer), and she insists that we don't pay her anymore. When she babysits for us in the evening (maybe once every 1-2 months), we don't pay her and we do appreciate her SO MUCH! She decided on her own 4 years ago that she did not want to babysit for us but would rather just be "grandma", so we found alternative child care providers and regular sitters/nannies part time in the summer. I hope you can work this out. Does your daughter pay you? I think having grandparents who live close to us is such a gift! It is not something I grew up with and I think it is wonderful for our children.
my best advice would be to be more direct with your kids. i know my mom and mil, like yourself, absolutely love spending time with my kids. claim its the highlight of their week. and i can tell you as a very busy mom, that it is often easy to take that for granted. sometimes it seems like then everyone wins! its not until i step back and say "maybe its too much? maybe they want to decide when they see them, rather than me tell them?" that i realize it. so be direct, b/c chances are they're just "expecting" you to b/c of how much you enjoy the kids, and feel that this way everyone wins. good luck :)
When my grandaughter was born, i took her with me every chance i got. I was always there at the drop of a hat. when my daughter ran into problems with the father and he was abusing drugs, the situation got very difficult and my grandaughter was at risk, we went to court and because i was so active in her life the judge granted me custody. My daughter and I worked through this together. She was pregnant for her son at the time and was not in a possition to care for the her daughter... anyway, I took my grandson every chance i got too. Now my daughter is mad at me and i see very little of the kids, but i am greatful that i had the time to spend with them and the time to instill the memories of coming to grandma's house. No matter how long it takes for my daughter to come around, my grandchildren will never forget me. the other grandparents --- they would never take the kids for fear of giving her a chance to work or do something --- my grandchildren do not miss them because they were hardly there in thier lives. So, the just of this is --- be glad to take the grandchildren so you can instill them with wonderful memories of you, if you were to pass away tomorrow, will you want them to know you spent time with the because you love them or because you felt obligated or guilty. My grandchildren know I adore them and they are always welcome in my home and always will be loved. They know that they come first. They know that Our home is security and that they can always come running to grandma and grandpa's house. Just look at it from your relationship with them and all the rest is not important. I love to sit and watch a movie with them, string beads, play cars, play dolls, plant flowers and the list goes on. Those are the things that matter to them. And to hear the cries "G-R-A-N-D-M-A-A-A-A-A!" when they see me. I get to spoil them and send them home, I could not do that with my children, lol. That's what grandma's are for. Well have a blessed day. Tracey
Also remember your grands are with you and not with someone that might not have the best interest of the children at heart and only putting on a fake front to get easy money in their eyes.
Hi Debbie!
I would suggest to talk to your kids and let them know that you would prefer not to babysit all the time. That you are here for backup if they really need you. My parents and mother-in-law babysit when our babysitter schedules time off or last minute type of things. It isn't all the time and lately I've been getting back up because it is tough with an 18 month old all over the place. I also think it is important to be the grandparents and not the main disciplinarians. Your job is to "spoil" and enjoy the kids NOT so much discipline all day. I personally feel that kids need other kids to play with so another babysitter or daycare could be better for the kids too.....
Good luck. I'm sure it will all work out.
Sue
I don't blame you. Maybe you'll just have to be painfully honest with your children. My mom was maybe a little TOO honest--long before any of us were even married, she told us that she wouldn't watch grandchildren full-time because she had "raised her children." I agree with her, and would never even ask her to, or assume that her, or my mother-in-law for that matter, would want to. And from my end, I really wouldn't want either of them to. They both have very different parenting ideas than I do, and then there's the issue of pay--I'd want to pay them, then they're almost like an employee, but if an issue arises it can be awkward--it's all just too much, and would make me feel uncomfortable. Anyway, you're not a bad grandmother--you've worked hard all your life, and want to be able to come and go on your own schedule. You deserve that.
Hi Debbie,
I dont think it is selfish that you want to babysit occasionally. I feel the same way. My parents live 50 minutes away (used to live in the same town as me but moved a few years ago) and my in laws live in my town except when they fly south during the winter months. So I don't use them as daycare b/c they are not around. However if they were I might have asked them if they wanted to sit for me a day or 2 during the week to help me save on childcare. Things are so expensive now a days, every little savings helps. So is childcare costs an issue for your children? If so then maybe sitting 1 day a week can be helpful. My mom always asks to sit more for me but I tell her that she has a life and things to do, so she goes out and enjoys herself. Once in awhile we call upon them or my in laws to sit so my husband and I could go out. Since my husbands parents live in town, he always tells me to call his mom when I need to do something but the kids are holding me back. I tell him no, I dont want to take advantage of them and really only use them if there is an emeergency. Your children might have the same attitude I have towards this whole babysitting thing. You might just not know b/c there hasn't been an opportunity to express it. Talk to them about babysitting. Tell them you want to once in awhile but do not want it to be an everyday thing. I think they would appreciate knowing how you feel. Like you said you raised your children already. You need to tell them that! My mom had told me that my grnadmother had told her that when she had kids. (Now was that my mom's way of telling me herself without hurting my feelilngs... could be... but I could see my grandma saying that to her as well.)
Bottom line communication is important here. They may ask you to sit often b/c they think you like it. I would talk to them about it. Good luck and enjoy your grandkids!
I know exactly how you feel. When ever my daughter calls the first thing she says is "what are you doing". I love my grandsons very much, but I just don't have the energy I had when my children were growing up. I am 50 years old and still working full time. Hopefully I will be retiring in 5 years. When I do watch them for a couple of hours it turns into 4 or 5. Their other grandmother doesn't know how to say no, and seemed to have the boys all the time. My daughter and her boyfriend are very social and go out all the time. I have talked with her about taking the boys on family outings and making memories instead of leaving them with someone. This has worked. I am not babysitting as much on weekends and either does the other grandmother, because they have been taking the boys with them. I told her that I don't mind an occasionnal sleep over, but I cannot have both boys (ages 4 and 6) at the same time. So they take turns once a month.
Hope this helps. Memere
debbie,
i would just tell your children - i would want my parents to tell me. yeah, babysitting your grandchildren once in a while is fine. i would never EXPECT my parents to watch my child full time.
maybe you would feel differently if they ASK you, instead of assuming that you would do this for them. just tell them that you didn't raise them this way and you'd appreciate it if you were asked once in a while instead of being TOLD you're watching them.
or the next time your daughter gives you her schedule to "look over", just say to her, "i can't this week, i have stuff of my own to do". you have a life too. like you said, you raised your children already, this is your time with your husband. your children need to respect what you say and if they don't, OH WELL.
hope this helps a little.
nikki c
You sound like a very loving mother and grandmother. I think you are absolutely right to feel the way you do. My parents rarely babysit for me but when they do, I make sure they know I'm grateful.
Here's the problem I find that most working parents come up against: cost of child care. I think that's the biggest reason so many kids are left most of the day with grandparents, and why the grandparents allow it even if they don't want to care for them day-in day-out. One of the reasons I have chosen not to work right now is that my entire paycheck would go simply to child care. Another reason many parents want grandparents to watch their kids is because they're family and they can trust them - or at the very least know what to expect from them. It's extremely difficult to leave your child all day with a stranger.
You need to decide what's best for you first. And then you need to speak directly to your children about what you're willing to do. And if you still feel taken advantage of, maybe you should take a break from all babysitting until you feel up for it again (if at all).
From a parent's point of view, I think you've done your tours of duty and you shouldn't be expected to do another go-around. While I would love to have my mom closer so we could have a trusted baby sitter once in a while, I understand that she has her own life to live. She's still her, not just mom or grandma.
I have no other experience in this area; just wanted to say I don't think you're being selfish at all!
When I had my chidlren I told my parents that I wanted them to be Grandparents and not my childrens day care provider. My parents watch my children when they want but I always give them an option of my hiring a sitter. (I ask them first if they want to babysit.)I am never hurt or upset when they simply say "we would rather not this time". I would never ask them to watch my kids on a full time basis. I would tell your children that you simply want to be a Grandma and not a full time babysitting service. That you will help them out when you can but you can not provide full time care. Tell them to never hesitate to ask you first for the emergency things or "date nights". I feel my kids are closer to my parents becuase they are Nana and Pappy and they do not go to them for day care. My sister-in-law has my mother-in-law watching her children and MIL finally had to say I can only do this 2 days a week so the other Grandma does it the other 3. She feels strapped sometimes. She is retired and can't ever do anything she wants unless she gives advanced notice. I think Grandparents should be Grandparents and not the primary care givers. They raised their children it is not their responsiblity to raise ours. Does that make sense?
Wow...
My parents watch my two girls (3 yo and 9 mos old) full-time while I work. My mom knew my schedule and was completely fine with it. So, I do try my best to not have her watch the kids on the weekends or evenings and pick them up promptly.
You DO need to make your expectations clear to your family - call a family meeting and explain and that you want to help, etc. but you need to have some time to pursue your own interests too...offer to find them some help or maybe help them pay for daycare (if you can afford it).
My mom always wanted to watch the grandkids. Even before my husband and I bought our house, we talked with my parents, to ensure they they wanted to watch them full-time and they agreed. If they did not, then we would have bought a less-expensive home as we would have had to factor in day care costs.
Hope this info helps - your kids are relying on you, not just for babysitting, but I'm sure, financially as well. Any changes that you bring up, will "shock" them and if you can help with the transition, I'm sure things will take time to settle down into a new routine.
Best of luck!
Hello Debbie,
I am not a grandmother myself - my kids are just 9 and 13. When they were born, I used daycare. There was no local, non working grandmother. I would never have assumed that a granparent wanted to spend their days fulltime caring for babies/children. They had already done that with their own kids. I believe that when you have children, as a parent you are the only one with an obligation. I think it is selfish of the grown children to assume that you have nothing you'd rather do with your day than babysit grandkids. Most grandparents are not babysitting while their grown children are at work, because most grandparents are working themselves. There is nothing wrong with letting your kids know that you have other things that you do during the day. If grandparents babysit fulltime, it is a job, not a favor. Whenever someone has watched my kids when I've been at work, I view it as if I'm at work and making money, the other person should be making money too. If a grandparent babysits fulltime, they should be offered pay, the same as any other daycare provider.
Hi Debbie,
I understand your feeling and fell really bad for the situition your children have put you into. I'm a 26 year old single mom with two boys, ages 2 and 4, and I still don't realy on family to watch them on a full time basis. During the day both my kids are in school/daycare-the odlest does school half days already and daycare afterwards, which the school bus provides transporations, so I don't have to go back and forth. Either way, there is no way I would EXPECT my mom or anyone for that matter to watch my kids on a full time basis, especially if they weren't getting paid.
You have every right to feel this way. You raised your kids, now it is their time to raise theirs. Visits from grandkids should be a time to celebrate how they've changed since you last had seen them, not an obligation to care for everything they do.
Are you retired or working? That can make a big difference.
If you really feel that guilty, and do love spending time with your grandchildren, maybe sit down with each of your kids and explain to them that this is YOUR TIME. You could offer to watch one set of grandchildren on Monday, and the other set on Wednesday, or what ever days you wish, but other than that your children need to be responsbile enough to get childcare on their own. If they can't afford it, then there is always public assistance, and no one better say they are too good to ask for help!
hi debbie, you are not being selfish at all, just honest. i have both sets of grandparents to watch my kids, and i am eternally thankful for them, i dont know what i would do without them. it would really hurt financially to have a babysitter, but even more so, i just dont trust anyone these days. i dont leave my kids much, i hardly have a social life anymore, but just for things like doctors appts or events, it is such a blessing that i have them, and i always tell them. please be honest with your kids. my mil lives a few blocks from me, and would do anything to be with my kids, but it goes too far sometimes. i am not being ungrateful at all, she is a lifesaver for me, but i just want to illustrate the point... she has recently become more of a caretaker for her sister, who, imo, does need help but takes advantage of her. she needs help for some things, but sometimes just wants company. which of course is fine, and more importantly is none of my business. so, if i ask her for help with the kids, she has to cancel on her sister. but she will never say no to me. i wish she would just be honest with me and tell me when she cant do it. but because i know she will always cancel to be with the kids, now i always feel funny asking. she complains to my husband that she doesnt see the kids, the kids are asking wheres grandma, and every time i ask her, she tells me what she is supposed to do with her sister but she will cancel, she insists, and then does so. so now im thinking of her sister, who i do love, sitting alone upset. so i hardly ever ask anymore, and everyone feels bad. on the other hand, my dad recently had some health issues and watching my kids was too much for them, and they simply told me so. i know they love my kids to death, but they have lives too, and i have no reservations about asking them for help because i know that if they cant, or simply dont want to, then they will decline. you arent being mean by being honest, you are keeping everything on the level and keeping the lines of communication open. also, my own sister works part time, she has 2 little ones, and my parents watch her kids once a week. its perfect, its just enough that they have a nice, full day with them, but not too much that it is a burden. i have seen how close they are with my sisters kids, they have a different relationship with them than they do with my kids, and though they may see my kids as often, i think that watching her kids on a regular, dependable basis as an expected part of their schedule has made for a different kind of relationship with them. maybe something like that is an option for you? either way, i recommend being straight with them about your feelings, you dont want issues or resentment building up. best of luck, deb
I'm sorry, but what you wrote made me very sad. My mother takes care of my kids during the day while my husband and I work full-time and she LOVES it. She gets to spend every day with my 2 kids and be a major person in their lives. She actually retired from her job when my son was born just to stay home with him. She wouldn't want to be doing anything but this. And not only that but my husband and I are very grateful for my mother. We know that no one would care for them like she does or love them like she does. She is amazing with my kids, and I love her for it. She does tons with them too. They have library group and play group and she goes to both. Gymnastics and swim lessons, she's done it all. And when people tell her that they feel sorry for her that she has my kids that makes her very upset. She loves her life and my kids and she gets to enjoy watching them grow and thrive in her care. I'm sorry that you feel that this is a chore. You have an incredible oppurtunity to be a part of these kids lives. Help mold who they are and who they will become, aren't you lucky. Your grandchildren will grow up knowing they were raised in the love and care that only a grandparent can provide. How many times did your own children take their elders for granted. Your own grandchildren will get to see you in a totally different way. And, I'm sorry but all you see it as is that I'm not into babysitting. I don't like to always ask my mom to watch the kids, and on weekends we try not to have her watch them if we go out. But she misses them terribly on those days. We do pay her to watch them, but not nearly as much as we would if they were in regular daycare. I'm sorry but I just see this a great oppurtunity that you are taking for granted. How lucky you are to see those kids every day. How many grandparents don't see their grandkids but on holidays, or not at all. I feel sorry for you.
When my son was born, my mom wanted to baby sit. She works full time, but wanted to leave and just baby sit. I was very hesitant, my mom is very loving but sometimes too loving and anything goes with my son. In any case, I went along with it, and she came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work for her after a couple of months. It was great that I could leave my son with someone I trusted, but watching a child full time is hard work and very limiting. I ask my mom to baby sit if I can't get the regular babysitter for when my husband and I go out, other than that I bring my son over or they come by, and we al spend a couple of hours together. We see them often, 2 to 3 times a week, and my son loves them. I think their relationship would not be so wonderful if they were the child care providers. My parents look forward to seeing my son, and my son is the same, and when they baby sit occasionally everyone enjoys it and it's not a chore. Did you ever have a conversation with your son about watching the kids while they are at work? How did they come to the conclusion that you'd watch the kids? What have they been using till now?