Hi Mom's;
I have a wonderful 7 1/2 mo. old that has never had a babysitter. She gets a lot of socialization we take her out to activities and to see people, play groups, etc. and she plays with others or will go to other people while we are still there with out any problems. We like it this way, we have talked a lot about when we will introduce babysitters and when we will be ready to leave her with someone other than us and decided it will be after she is a year old and has good verbal skills. We get plenty of alone, couple time when she is sleeping during naps or at night, so we are not in need of time without her.
So here is my dilemma my mother in law really really wants to babysit, and mentions it every time we talk to her. We've explained that we have no need for a babysitter at this time, that we are happy with the way things are right now, and when we are ready we will let her know. We've assured her it is not that we don't trust her and that we don't think she would do anything wrong we just don't use babysitters at this time. She gets very defensive and snidely comments that we are not letting her be a grandma and we are somehow damaging her relationship with her Grandaughter. By the way my husband is an only child so this is her first Grandbaby. We encourage them to come and see her, to come play with her, we take her to their house to play but somehow they think that we are keeping her from them because we won't let her babysit.
How do we get it across to her that we just flat out do not use babysitters and that it won't change just because she wants it to.
I would just continue telling her no. My mother in law does the same thing and is very pushy about it. When we have let her baby-sit we usually regret it as she does not respect our requests with feeding, bedtime, etc. Just consider what she is doing to you- making snide comments, badgering you ,etc. That is not appropriate behavior so do not reward her for it.
How 'bout this....invite her over, and then run one or two (quick) errands. That way, she is babysitting and you don't have to worry about her messing up feeding/napping/bath times (and you're getting an errand out of the way). When you are thru w/your errands, you come back home and "visit" w/her a bit.
This is really a tough call. On the one hand, the woman gave you your husband, obviously she needs to be honored. On the other hand, she's using guilt to try and get her way, rather like a large child.
Having had my share of grand-parental issues throughout our marriage, I'd truely say pick your battles. Again, while speaking out of both sides of my mouth, establish you're the mommy this time around, so she needs to please respect your need to be with your own daughter. On the other hand, if your daughter will not be harmed by your in-laws, there's no harm in going out to run some errands or have a drink while your inlaws are tending to her at your home.
Sometimes it's give and take, but make sure you make it clear it's not a trust issue, you're just not ready to leave her. If you say you're not using babysitters yet, that is a little impersonal, they're more than sitters, they're family. If you say I am not ready to leave him/her then that's your issue, not theirs. It's subtle, but important. Especially if you say something like "How could I not trust and love you, you gave me my husband, the father of my baby. It isn't about you or your abilities, it's about me and my attachment to my baby."
Take the fall, otherwise you'll NEVER, ever hear the end of it. lol. That way you get to have your way and spare their feelings. Get used to being the bad guy, you're a mom now! lol.
As your child grows, they'll be some fantastic allies! Causing hurt feelings in the beginning can make things difficult later. And yes, I speak from some serious experience here!
Good luck!
Donna
Hah! My SIL was like this (we do not get along, btw...yeah right like I'm going to let someone I don't trust watch my kid).
Don't give in if you're not ready. It really is your call. And, like Courtney said she really isn't behaving appropriately for a 50-60-70-whatever year old by guilting and badgering you! Let her sulk and pout; it's not your problem. It's hers.
We don't mind having grandma come and babysit but one time she brought her daughter (my SIL) who, even after we told her no, totally went against our wishes and fed our 15 month old McDonalds and then proudly proclaimed, upon our return, how she felt the need to ignore our instructions and "treat him to the real world". My husband, God love him, took care of the whole situation followed by "And that's why even though you ask us all the time to babysit we never have called you."
Not all family members are like this, but unfortunately there are a ton of grandparents and extended family members who are just DYING to get their turn alone with the baby and give them treats, let them stay up later than their bedtime, and do things you wouldn't allow. I'm not saying this is how your MIL is, but if you're not ready, stand firm and wait until you are - it's your child, your choice!
Hey!
You will not like my response, but I think you need to let go! It is GOOD for your child to learn the world without you for a bit. And time at home together is so different than time out to dinner/movie, etc. without your baby. I really don't see the harm in leaving her with a sitter for an hour as you go out to eat. It would probably be good for you to try and detach your death grip on your daughter. That being said ONLY if you actually trust the baby-sitter. Have your MIL come to your house and make it a short trip. If you don't trust her--that is a different story! This is just my opinion! I let my kids from early on and my husband and I and our kids LOVE when they stay at grandma and grandpa's house. My son begs me to stay out longer and he's 3! I think his positive attitude and comfortable attitude is because he has done it since he was an infant! Just my Opinion. There is nothing wrong with sitters and freedom!
Linda
There will come a time when you WANT to have her babysit, if you think she is able. I have been a SAHM for both of my children and, yet, the most important relationship that I need to nurture is my husband and mine.
You think your daughter is amazing and so does your mother-in-law. For that hour or two that you may leave with your husband to take a bike ride or go out to dinner, it would be a good thing to learn if she was capable and competent to handle your baby/her granddaughter. Having alone time with grandma may be a thrill to her - having you hovering over them during the time together, does take something away from the event. She's raised one great son and you happened to marry him. Don't call it babysitting - call it "alone time with Grandma" if the term "babysitting" is throwing you.
Doesn't sound like you really like your mother-in-law. There has to be more to it. If your issue is not about "trust", then, take a deep breath, hand her over and enjoy your husband. Don't feel guilty - I've known my husband for 30 years and I'm hopefully going 30 more - that relationship has to be nurtured also.
I had this exact same issue with my MIL. Not only did I not feel like leaving my daughter with a sitter, I didn't want to leave her with someone who I felt lacked good judgment. Just let her make the remarks, they don't hurt you unless you let them.
And now that we have three kids we have a standing date night...I still don't trust her judgment but it's nice to get out and I try to grandma proof the night. Good luck!
I am sure she just wants some time alone with the baby. Playing with the baby while mom and dad are around is not as much fun as actually babysitting the baby! I say go out for a quick dinner, and let her have her alone time with the baby. Remember that this is her baby too! That was thhe hardest thing for me to "get" when my first was born. My baby was also my husband's baby and both grandmas' baby. It does not sound like your mother in law will harm the baby. Babies can never get to much love. Studies have shown that kids greatly benefit from spending time and having strong relationships with their grandparents. She is not a "babysitter", she is your baby's grandma who deserves the right to care for her as well.
Patricia,
IMHO - I say first and foremost, trust your Mommy instincts. If you don't want her to sit THAT IS HER PROBLEM - don't make it yours. Your husband should be talking to his mom and tell her to back off! You "starting a fight" with her will have horrible consequences, even if it's just digging in your heels. She will blame you. He needs to step up and "be the man of the family" here and tell his Mom and IF and WHEN HE decides he needs her help, HE WILL ASK FOR IT. And that you are a very busy Mom and don't need her guilting you and hassling you about raising your child.
Secondarily to that, I think that if your daughter is home with you all the time, it is in your best interests to start getting her used to a sitter. Otherwise, you'll be creating a monster. You'll create a child who doesn't trust anyone but you and your husband and screams when you walk away. At this point, I think you owe it to yourself and your husband for a date night - not all night, just dinner at first. Then dinner and a movie. Then dinner and no agenda... No one doubts your daughter is fantastic and worth being with. No one is going to take care of your daughter like you. But all of you need to learn to walk away from each other and that it will all be ok. So with that said, find someone you trust - family or a sitter or another family (like you take our kid tonight and we'll take yours next Friday...leave your child while you go to dinner, let her have a "playdate", then pick her up). Believe me, I'm a mom of two, another on the way, we've dealt with the separation anxiety, it's awful - don't go there.
Best of luck. And make your husband stick up for his family.
I can assure you that her not babysitting will NOT damage her relationship with your daughter! (Unless she lets it, of course.) Both my husband and I had long-distance Grandparents that we had little opportunity to see, and each of us were very, very emotionally close to them into our adulthood when they passed on.
I think you're being very rigid. You say you flat out don't use babysitters. I don't consider a grandma a babysitter really. A grandma is a grandma -- someone who loves your child almost as much as you do! What a blessing that you have a grandparent who wants to care for your little one and be involved in her life! I would take her up on the offer for yourselves, and for her. I don't know how you feel about her and if there are issues, but if there aren't, what's the harm in letting her have a little time with her granddaughter? I am not a grandma yet -- I have a 21-year-old and 11-year-old -- but my older daughter's friend had a baby recently. Although she's not my granddaughter, I am close to her family and would love to care for her for a little while just because I love babies, and adore her! I really don't see the harm in getting out once in awhile and giving grandma some bonding time. It sounds like a win-win situation to me. Do it while you can -- and let your baby get to know her grandma. When she's a year old, if you haven't let her spend any time with anyone else alone, you will have a very difficult time detatching her from you. The more people who love her the better!
I have no problem with feeling like you don't want to use babysitters until a certain point in time, for whatever reasons you have, but I can see grandma's point in that perhaps she feels that you do not trust her to spend time alone with your child. And this is probably hurtful to her. She does not consider herself a "sitter", but a grandma- for the first time. This is a big moment in the life of a woman, a milestone for her, too.
I am sorry that she is using hurtful, snide comments, but perhaps she feels like you are not hearing her, or understanding her request- not as a sitter, but as a grandparent who wants more time to bond with her granddaughter. And it is different bonding when the parents are right there, especially if your daughter is especially close with you. I can see that she might want solo time to make a connection, not to spoil or undermine, but to just have some quiet time alone getting to know your daughter.
I think you could be outside gardening or going for a 20-minute walk, to start. This may be very challenging for you at first, it is hard for a parent to leave a child in the care of another, but I think it is a good thing for your daughter and her granny!
It doesn't mean you have to book a sitter or a family member regularly, but give grandma a chance. If it doesn't work, or she undermines you, then wait a little longer to try again- after you share with her what concerns you have. She may not get everything right the first time- she is new to being a grandma- but give her a chance to succeed.
I agree with the suggestion to have grandma watch the baby while you garden, work around the house, etc. You have a good problem. My MIL lives 20 minutes away and won't babysit or is never available, where as my mother will drop what she's doing but lives 4 hours away.
Keep stating your case with her... keep in mind that she's as excited about being a grandma as you are about being a mom.
I agree with the other moms, unless there are some issues we don't know about, it would be a good idea to start having her watch your daughter for a small amount of time.
You do need to get your daughter used to having you not around. You also need to get your MIL used to what you want when she watches your child.
I would start with the errands. Leave her with Grandma while you go to the grocery store, etc.
You will need to go out with your husband alone. Training Grandma will help with this!
You may never get it across to her because she wants to babysit so badly that she is not really hearing what you are saying. We never used a sitter til our son was quite old because we took him every where with us too. We enjoyed having him with us.
She is your child and you can do what ever you feel is best but have you ever thought of just doing a date night where you and your husband go see a movie or even and afternoon outing just so her Grandmother can babysit just the one time. It is totally different for a Grandmother to babysit, then to just coming over and playing with their Granddaughter while you sit there and watch. I think she wants some alone time with her. But if you are not ready than maybe your husband needs to just tell his mother that this is bothering you to be asked all the time. That the 2 of you are not ready to leave your daughter with a sitter yet and when you are ready she will be the first one called.
Just let her watch this precious little girl! Like many other posts, let it be just while you grocery shop or run errands. She wants to feel needed as well as wants some of her own bonding time. Why ruin this relationship and hurt her feelings when it's so easily done? You're going to have so many more bigger problems down the road-this one is easily fixed and will benefit your little one too! It's her GRANDMA-not a babysitter!!
I can understand your caution because she is your first and I can see that you adore her. It is natural to want to be protective and do what is best when it comes to her care and well being.
I do believe that you should start taking small steps to reach out to your MIL to help you. How lucky you are to have someone practically begging to help you out. If she lives within a reasonable distance and you trust her take the opportunity for short periods of time to allow her to babysit. Your MIL wants a relationship with her grandaughter so as long as she is responsible and there is no safety threat, please give her the opportunity.
Alone time is crucial for you both. Staying at home and relating to your spouse over naptime is not the same as date night etc...My husband and I differed on this issue. I was willing for my parents to babysit at an early age and he was opposed...Created many heated arguments.
Give it a shot...Good luck
All I can say is life is really, really short. My mom died when my son was only 5 months old. I would kill for a memory of her being able to babysit him for me. These children we have are gifts to us that we are meant to share. Your MIL is GRANDMA, not some teenager from up the street.
I can tell it is your first...I was the same way. Looking back I wish I would have let my MIL watch our kids...now she is nearing 80 and it is just not a possiblity. I would let her watch her and understand that if your daughter would not let you watch her child, you would probably be insulted too. It is harder with the in laws than your own parents...just do not make any decisions you may regret!