I'm currently a SAHM working as a nanny/sitter mainly on he weekends. My husband works a full time job from 7am- 3:30pm and a side job which hours vary. He does not do anything around the house. He feels it's my "job" . My "job" is NEVER ending. He's off @ 3:30 and feels he can just sit and watch TV til bedtime. If the baby won't sleep at night, neither do I. I'm usually up til at least 12am finishing laundry, dishes etc. because my daughter is so demanding during the day, and I like to take her out, so we're not stuck inside all day for me to clean. Somedays I feel like I should get a job outside the home just so maybe he'll help me.
I guess my question is should my husband be helping?
What do your husbands do? Or do you do everything?
Hi, when i was married, my husband not only worked a full time very stressful job, but he also woke up with our son every other night, cleaned up dinner dishes and played with our boys for the evening even if it was just for me to finish the days work. A lot of men under estimate how hard of a job it is for us moms to do all we do. My bpyfriend now seems to take the same attitude your husband has. They take for granted everything we do,. I'd suggest trading places for a week or two! He owns half the responsabilities! Stand your ground. And take a break, the work will be there for you when your done......or maybe he'll do it for a change!
I am sorry I know this going to sound crass, but make your husband help you out. I was married for 10 years, I was a SAHM for 6 of them, and I still made my husband help out. You do have a full time job, being a mother. It's the most important job in the world. Just because he brings home the "bacon" doesn't mean his job is done. As parents our jobs never stop, we are on call 24 hours a day. Explain to him that you are overwhelmed and he needs to help out. Parenting and marriage are a two people job.
I remember one time watching t.v. (I believe it was The Today Show) and they took a SAHM's job and tried to figure out how much she would make in a year, and how many hours she worked a week. I can't remember the exact statistics, but I do remember that they were astonishing! A stay at home mom works about 100 hours a week. (we have day and night shift!!!) My husband is not as helpful around the house as some of my other friends husbands are, however I have learned to make time for myself so I don't get burnt out. For example, last month I went away with 3 girlfriends for one night to go shopping and have fun! It was so good for me to get away, and it forced my husband to see what I have to deal with EVERY day. Granted the house wasn't picked up as nice as it could've been, but he still had to deal with every thing that you and I have to deal with every day.
I agree with Angela. I am amazed sometimes at some of the crap I see husbands getting away with.
Your "job" is to take care of the house and child while he is at work. As soon as he gets home the house and the child responsibilities belong to BOTH parents.
Read this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1156651200&en=22bfda483fe77610&ei=5070
(or google "what shamu taught me about a happy marriage")
Carrie,
Yes, he should be helping out! My son, 27, works a full time factory job, including overtime, yet when he comes home he changes diapers, feeds, and plays with his 8 month old son every evening to give his wife (SAHM) a break. He loves spending time with his baby and doesn't feel that it's a chore.
Hi,
this really bothers me when I hear people saying their husbands claim housework is not their "job"..i would bet to say that your husban has never spent a whole day w/ your daughter and trying to keep up w/ the housework also!! I'm a big fan of Dr. Phil, he has said that it is proven that being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of working 2 full time jobs-absolutely exhausting! I am a single full time working mom and have to come home and care for my son-while also trying to have fun time, and cleaning and it is absolutely strenuous-im sure your husband would have a hard time w/ this! He probably assumes you have a fun filled day, and is basically jealous..Tell him to take your place for a day-why not let yourself have a day to yourself and he can do YOUR work for a day I GUARANTEE, he would appreciate your efforts more.
Carrie:
It looks like you have a lot to deal with. I am not a SAHM, but I feel like I understand men pretty well and my opinion is that if your husband doesn't help now, he wouldn't help if you got a job. Some men just don't have it in their DNA to help out around the house. Did your husband's mom do everything for him? A lot of time, if they were raised with a mom that did everything for them and didn't teach him that it would someday be his responsibility, then they just expect their wife to do it.
I am not sure what your financial situation is, but have you ever thought about getting a cleaning person for a couple hours every couple weeks? It may be a lot cheaper than you think. Remember, you are saving yourself a ton of money in childcare by staying at home. I pay $150 a week for childcare for my son and they don't come over and clean my house. You shouldn't be expected to keep a clean house and take care of your children all day.
I am really struggling with keeping my house clean too after having my 22 month old. My husband and I both work over 40 hours a week and I am very lucky that my husband helps a lot around the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning floors), but the house is still not up to my standards. However, I also don't want to be one of those people who is always cleaning and misses my kid's childhood. Anyway, I am trying to talk my husband into a cleaning person since we can afford it.
Anyway, good luck. This is a tough time for you. I wouldn't nag him. That will just make it tougher for you in my opinion. I am sure he is a great husband otherwise.
Your husband needs a reality check. OF COURSE your husband should be helping out!!!! Don't even feel bad or guilty for demanding he help out either. I'm also a SAHM and my husband does so much around the house to help out. We pretty much share responsibilities for everything - from cooking, to cleaning, to bathing our son, to diaper changing, to putting our son to bed, etc. And believe me, even though he helps out as much as he does, I'm STILL exhausted by the end of the day. That's because it's HARD being a SAHM. You're right, your job never ends. Some husbands just don't get that. You definitely should expect your husband to so his fair share, and if he resists, you need to get creative to "help" him figure it out on his own (like, go out of town for a couple days and have him watch your daughter and do all the things you normally do and see how he likes it. I'm guessing his attitute will change when he experiences for himself how much work you really do on a daily basis.)
Good luck and be strong!
My husband helps out when he comes home. There is no way that I will do everything. I do a little more than him even when he is home because he has online classes. But he does help out when he's not working or doing school.
Carrie,
I went through the same thing with my husband. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years and we have 4 boys. I never stop!!! My husband was the same as yours....he only worked his 8 hours and that was it. Then after our third son was born I had to have major surgery. He had to take over. After having to to my job for 6 days while I recovered he changed his mind set. Now he may not help a lot during the week....but he does a ton of stuff on the weekend. During the week he loads the dishwasher and takes out the trash and maybe run the sweeper every now and then. On the weekends though he will do everything but laundry...only because I don't want him to mess with my system on that.
Maybe if you take a couple of days and don't do anything....go on strike!!! Another idea a friend of mine did was make a bet with her husband. They each spent two days recording everything they did in their day . Then they compared notes. She bet him that he could not do her job based on the list for the weekend!!! If he could she would spoil him with his favorite dinner and a loving massage. If he could not do it then he had to start doing more to help her.
I know what you are going through and it is a horrible place to be!!! I wish you all the best!! Keep your head up though.....things do kind of settle into a manageable routine after awhile.
HI! I'm a SAHM of 4 kids. My husband has that attitude sometime. To nip it I go on strike. I know it's really mean but when he goes a few days having to wear those old nasty undies in the bottom of his drawer and socks that don't match...he cleans up his act. He realizes I can't do it all and if he doesn't give me some time to myself now and then he's going to suffer for it. I don't expect him to do any major house work but I need a little time with out kids on my legs to get things done. I don't expect to have a perfect house just a clean and sometime clutter free one. If he's complaining about a messy house he should get off his butt and help!! Just remember there is a difference between dirty and clutter. Do the best you can not to be dirty around the house and don't worry about the clutter. With kids comes clutter. Good Luck!
I work part time and stay home 2 days a week....(its a nice way to give me a break)
He should definitly be helping. I always think my husband could help out more but he does make an effort. Leaving him with the baby for long periods of time is good to get him to appreciate how much time it takes to care of the baby. My husband said he doesn't know how i stay home all day and not go crazy so that approach helped a little for me. i i know this sounds silly but I don't think the nagging approach works ( at least it doesn't for me) but i work on small things at a time. It seems he always lets me know when he has done something (which yes is annoying because i don't tell him everytime i do the dishes) but i always thank him and say oh i really appreciate that u did that its sooo helpful. then i notice he does things more without me asking. Kind of like rewarding a dog :)
I totally understand your situation. My husband works extremely long hours and has told me " I have a job, I shouldn't have to do anything at home". I understand that our husbands work, but my theory is that they are still part of the family. I work part time, so my full time job is the house and kids (4). He works full time, so he should contribute part time to the housework. We have had many discussions about this and he now sees that he needs to help somewhat because it's just really hard to get it all done with kids at home. Before you decide to get a job, I would have a long talk with your husband and make sure he's willing to pick up some of the work, because if his attitude is that it isn't his "job" that won't change when you work and then it will just be one more thing for you to juggle on top of everything else. Make sure he's on board before you add something else to your life.
Hi Carrie,
I am also a SAHM and I babysit 5 days a week as well. Over the summer I could have 12 kids at my house. Now that school is back in (thank goodness) I have 4 kids here and the oldest is 3. He is mine. My husband gets so mad because laundry isn't put away and he has to look for socks sometimes. I told him that if he doesn't like it to put his own clothes away. he won't even do that. He says it is my "job" to do it. He never gets up if the kids do and I get up with them every weekend. I say do what they have suggested. Go on strike. Let them know how hard it is. My husband could never do what I do. I feel for you. I know how frustrating it is when they come home and do nothing. My hubby has now decided to go golfing every Saturday. That's his outlet. I keep asking him when I get to have some time to myself and it has yet to happen. I ususally get to take one to the grocery store. Good luck. You are not alone.
Your husband should definitely be helping out. I'm also a sahm and my husband has similar hours to yours. There was a period of time where he would go up with my 3 year old to tuck her in at night and then "accidentally" fall asleep up there. I was left to finish the dishes and clean up the house before bed. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. One night, I left him a not-so-nice note that I was sick of everything being left for me to do. He only got defensive.
Later that day, we talked about it, and I told him how I felt. I said that we are not being good role models for our daughter, because we are teaching her that the woman should do everything, and that the man has no household responsibilities. I told him that it seemed like his only responsibility was to go to work. I did everything else. I told him I was very hurt that he didn't see how hard it was for me. Everything has changed since that talk, and now he helps out. He is a wonderful father to our daughter, and a wonderful husband too.
You can't expect those men would help you after a long day at work. They always think you have nothing to do at home and the house works are so easy for you. They would never understand how much works that you actually have to deal with at home everyday, just like you don't know how much stress and works that they have to deal with in the office. Try to understand and talk to each other about what you have done at home or in the office. Let him know you're so tired and you're not feeling so good that night and ask him for help with the baby in a nice way, I am pretty sure he would try to help you and make you happy.
I am a SAHM with a 9 months old girl, just quited my job in NYC and moved to Ohio 5 months ago... I am still adjusting the life in here and I think to be a good wife and mom is the hardest job ever!
Other than talking with him, you can not make him help. If you are going to have to do it all, maybe you should find a system that will help you. Try visiting www.flylady.com. It is a great approach to handling housework a little at a time.
Also - find yourself a babysitter that can help you out. Find someone that can even just play with the kids while you treat yourself to a long hot shower!
Girl, I know how you feel. My fiance is the same way. Im a Stay at home mom, and when he gets off he comes home and does NOTHING. He wont even change the babies diaper. He said he has done his work shift, and that this is mine. We argue about it all the time, beccause I feel the same way....my work shift is NEVER ending. Im with him all day and all night....if hes up with an ear infection...Im up with him all night, then the next morning we get up and go to the doctor. I also thought about getting a part time job, just so we could share the responsibilites. But then agian, I do the love the close one on one time I get with my son.... and in the end, he will see who is always there for him. Yes dad is the main money provider, but when he gets home, and decided he doesnt want to spend time with him, thats dad's fault not mine. Hope this helped...let me know!
I was a stay at home mom for a long time. My husband changes big truck and tractor tires, so he works hard. I am now working part time as well as going to school. No matter what I do, I am always the one stuck with all the house work and everything else, i have the same problem you do and i have tried everything under the sun to get him to understand that its not easy being a mom period. My husband always tells me that his job is more PHYSICALLY demanding so he deserves his time to relax, yeah wouldnt that be nice. i even protested( if thats what you want to call it) for a week and the house smelled like the dump and looked like it too. So i have quit making him dinner and quit doing his laundry and just piled everything he left around the house in his closet. make him be resoponsible for himself. see how that works. and by the way i have a 3 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy.