I am a first-time mom to a 5-wk old beautiful girl.I feel very strongly about the benefits of breastfeeding & during my pregnancy decided to breastfeed for up to the first year. My little one is a natural at breastfeeding & has not been a problem. I even pump daily to make sure we have a bottle so dad can feed her during his nightly 'shift' so that he can be involved.
My problem is that my husband has a child from a previous relationship & his experience with babies is using formula. He insists that I'm starving our baby & that she is suffering because she seems hungry all the time. Last night he swore that she was too frail.(Keep in mind at her 1st dr appt at 2 wks she had grown 1/2 an inch & gained a pound from her birth weight of 7.4)
She typically nurses every 1.5 hours & when I pump I usually get 1.5-3 oz depending on when I pump, early am, she just fed, etc. There are days where she nurses more often & then there are days when she doesn't seem to nurse every 1.5 hrs.
He has pushed me to use formula or at least supplement since we were in the hospital! I've done my research on breastfeeding & it seems like once you introduce formula,the breastfeeding ends shortly thereafter.I just don't see the need to introduce formula at this point. Our baby seems contented & is typically sleeping for 3-4 hours at night, is very alert, has great color, etc. She doesn't sleep as often during the day which makes her a bit fussy around dinnertime, conveniently when my husband gets home from the office.
I have not given in & we have not given her formula. But things are deteriorating between me & my husband because of my breastfeeding. He keeps reminding me of his 'experience' with babies b/c of his other child & implies that I'm making our daughter suffer for not giving her formula. He has never researched or read anything to understand breastfeeding, nor will he.
Last night he demanded that I take our baby to the ped tomorrow because she is so 'frail' (which she isn't, she is just still newborn) & get a recommendation for a type of formula. At this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. We fight over this every night when he gets home from work & weekends.I know breastfeeding is best & I've been proactive to do everything possible to make it a positive experience, but my husbands lack of understanding of breastfeeding is ruining our time as a family. We only argue about breastfeeding vs formula daily. How much should I stand my ground? Am I doing this wrong, is he right & she isn't getting enough to eat? I can't take the fighting anymore & am about to give up on my beliefs & just start giving her formula to make our home life return back to noraml. Please advise.
Congrats for hanging in there under so much pressure! My husband acted a bit like that with our first baby too....he didn't have any other experience, he just thought bottles would be easier. I remember many battles with him over that subject! After 2 kiddos though, he'd be the first to tell anyone who would listen how breastfeeding is the way to go.
I would follow his lead and make an appt for a weight check for your baby. BUT, make sure he takes off work and goes with you so that he can ask the Dr questions while you're there. Maybe even warn the Dr ahead of time of his concerns so that she can know what's going on. Sometimes all it takes is hearing from someone else (other than you) that everything is going well and that you're on the right track.
Good luck!
:-)
I would say that you need to change your tactic. Don't let this be something that drives a wedge between you; parenting an infant is hard enough.
When he brings the formula thing up again, don't push it away. Tell him that you appreciate that he's so concerned and so involved as a father (after all, not all men are). Tell him that you'll agree to defer to the pediatrician. Peds allow you to come in for weigh-ins without it being an office visit. So, go in and have her weighed. If she's lost weight, then you'll make an appointment with a lactation specialist to talk about ways to get her weight up. You can always supplement with formula, and it won't mean it'll be a full-time thing unless you let it be.
BUT...if she hasn't lost weight, and especially if she's gained weight, he needs to agree that your baby is doing just fine on breastmilk so HE needs to drop the subject. Set this expectation before you go in to get your daughter weighed.
I would make an appt with the pedi and have your husband come with you. That way he can address his concerns with the doctor and be reassured that everything is fine. That way it is coming from a "professional" and not just you.
I totally agree that you should go to the pediatrician, but you should INSIST that your husband go with you. Your baby's fine and doing spectacularly well, it sounds like. She's hungry all the time because breastmilk doesn't fill them up as long. Formula sits in their stomachs and isn't as easily digested. This is NOT a good thing! He's used to a baby going longer between feedings, but that's actually not natural. Your pedi should have your back on this, as long as she is gaining normally, so your husband needs to hear what the doctor says so he can back off. Men! There's a reason they're not the mommies!
sounds like there may be more to it than the feeding issue. Could he be jealous of your "connection/bonding" during nursing?
or maybe he dislikes the visual/idea of you feeding the baby
I admire your desire to do what you feel is best for your baby even with the pressure you are receiving. Some people are born to breastfeed and some who are not. As for me, I am not....and like you...I went through a lot of high pressure from many people but I stuck to my guns as well. I have a perfectly healthy 14 yr old daughter.
You must do what is right for you.
I also agree that your hubby might feel uncomfortable watching your feed and bond with your baby.
One thing I did as a new mom was insist that hubby go to the pedi appointments with me and we did not have disagreements about the baby. That way, he heard from the pedi that things are all ok and we were both happy.
Good luck.
I breastfed both my girls for 14 months and 11 months. When they were babies, they were both scrawny little things but that's because that didn't get that "fat" look that formula gives your babies. My 2 daughters now are probably the healthiest girls you've ever met. Take your husband to the doc and let them explain...also, print out info off the web that explains the difference and why breastfeeding is better. hang in there...you're doing the right thing for your baby.
The other posts seem pretty nice. I would be furious. I fed both my babies until they were one year. Both very healthy kids now at nine and four. I made the decision to breastfeed as long as I could and if I couldn't that would be fine as well. We make milk for a reason and it is to feed our babies! I think it s great that you can feed and pump, with my first I couldn't pump so he was with me the first year because he would not take a bottle. Your husband needs to realize this is a different child and you are a different mother and you have committed to trying to make breastfeeding this work. As long as you can breastfeed you will have a healthier child! There should be plenty of research you can find online to back this up.
Good Luck.
I know you're on the way to pedi today, but I just had to respond. PLEASE hold your ground - this is not just about feeding your baby - this has LONG term impact on the health of your daughter and YOU! Many pediatricians will gladly have you switch to formula (DESPITE the AAFP recommending one year of breastfeeding).
And, as much as I hate to say this, this issue is really just putting the spotlight on the potential for HUGE problems in your marriage and parenting choices. Also, the baby's fussiness may be due to the increase in stress level in your home once Dad gets home - stress will also impact the "flavor" of breastmilk as stress changes your hormonal balance. If you give in now, you are setting the pattern for who makes the critical decisions in your family as to your child's health. IF he's going to assert he's the expert on parenting, your family is in a load of trouble. I have learned after 16+ years that Mom knows best. You can (and should) consider hubby's input, the pediatrician's input, your MILs input, your sister's input, but when it comes to a choice like this, it is Mom's choice. Also, you may need to reconsider DAd's feeding time (if it's in the middle of the nite - I wasn't sure from your posting) as the nightime nursing is key to having a good milk supply. Maybe have Dad feed her in the early evening while you're fixing dinner or whatever. And, maybe part of his grumpiness has to do with the nighttime feeding. IN my experience, the most helpful thing dad can do at nite is to get the baby and change the diaper (before or after feeding) so mom can rest some yet still nurse at nite. He needs to be supporting you now and not directing you.
He also needs to be educated - breastfed babies do need to eat more frequently as the milk is perfect for a baby and more readily digested. As long as she is gaining, she is getting enough to eat. Also, keep in mind that the charts at the pediatrician's are based on formula fed babies and cow's milk formula optimizes the physical body, whereas breastmilk optimizes brain development. If you are willing to put in the effort, he should be supporting you.
OK-you are doing the right thing. My son is 2 and still nurses a little. He has been 97%+ since he was 6 months old and is now 38.5" tall and weights 36.5 lbs - and he's only 2. And he did breastmilk only from 4 months. I had a MISERABLE first 4 months getting back to normal with breastfeeding cause I got sick with shingles right after having my son.
The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for 2 years, American Pediatric recommends 1 year. Formula was not invented till around world war 2, so what the heck does he think babies were drinking prior to that - BEER? He needs to stop fighting with you about it because THAT isn't good for the child. Yes, he has "experience" with another child, but sorry, he's not a mother, and doesn't have the same experience you do. It's second hand, and you need specialist input. He needs to stop.
Anyway, take him to the pedi with you so he knows she's healthy from a "professional". You can also see a lactation consultant to have her weighed after feeding so you know for a fact that she's getting enough milk. They have special scales that tell you exactly how much milk she gets from you. it's pretty cool!
Several generations of moms didn't breastfeed in the US due to the formula industry promoting how much "better" it is - formula is OK, it's just not better - breastmilk is always better unless something is wrong - formula doesn't have antibodies, etc. But since a few generations of women didn't breastfeed, the hubbys didn't get comfy with it either.
A lactation consultant might have suggestions as to how to help your hubby get more comfortable with it. You may need to give him some extra attention after feeding her, just to get some positive reinforcement going.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Stick with your guns.
Wow. not sure why I am surprised, since people freaked when I was nursed my son ten years ago. Your husband will probably start coming around pretty soon when the baby is not so tiny. While my husband would have never been that ballsy to talk to me that way, it certianly made him uncomfortable for the first 6 to 8 weeks. And at times he questioning my choise surely was not handled right and I bit his head off, well pretyy much everyone that had something to say had to suffer my hysterics. He never knew anyone that bf and certainly not to the extent I did. I nursed my son for 16 months. But he eventually came around and became one of my biggest supporters, still it was hard on both of us at times and our marriage. Having babies can be hard and new even if you have been there before.
Unless recomended by the docotr do not supplement. And you may take advantage of the economy and calcutlate how much money you are saving by not using formula. Good lcuk, I am sure he will come around. He just needs to better educated about and sometime to get used it. It comes so natural to most of us women. It still seems very taboo to many people here in the states.
I see Dr Brothers is your OB -- she was mine as well -- and is also an EXCELLENT and pro-breast feeding resource. Others are right, be wary of your ped as some are not very informed or even down right anti-breast feeding. Educate yourself and you might also consider contacting your local La Leche League. They are an excellent resource for nursing moms and they have seen it all. Give them a call! Kellymom.com is also a great online resource and has a lot of info on whether or not your baby is getting enough. The thing is, if you supplement, it's going to hinder your supply. Nursing is a supply and demand thing and anything that gets in the way can potentially set you back. I also think you should stand your ground. I wonder if this is more of a control issue with him and not necessarily about your child. If you give in on this, what else will be down the road? There are lots of ways for fathers to bond with their babies aside from giving them bottles! I suggest he look into these.
Good luck on this.
i'd contact the la leche league and kelly's group (an online resource). they are great for this kind of thing. stick your guns if you want this. it's your body and your right as long as the child is healthy. for now she is, so don't worry about it.
eating every hour and a half, almost sounds like she is using you as a pacifyer, or else she really is hungry, and isn't getting enough. I don't blame you for wanting to nursse, but maybe giving the baby some rice cereal in a bottle at the last feeding at night, and see if she sleeps a lot longer. I don't think you would dry up if you breast fed her all day, and then did the formula at night. That would make you both happy and you could see if the baby gained more.
I'm so sorry you're having such a battle with this. I went thru a similar situation with my daughter when she was born. She lost almost a lb after brith and was having a hard time playing catch up. My pedi is WONDERFUL! Her name is Dr. Tammy Kennedy and is in Dallas at Lovers and Inwood. The other doctors that she works with are great too, I just go to her. She is so nurturing, treats the child, not just the illness, takes all the time you need, explains things so well, and is very pro breastfeeding etc...
http://www.inwoodvillagepediatrics.com/
When we were dealing with the nursing thing she gave me a lactation consultant's name whom she recommends. She came to my house and spent time making sure she was latched on properly, she weighed her before and after a feeding (on both sides) to see how much she was taking each time. She's great!! I think it was maybe $140???? I think it was totally worth it though because she was so helpful and calmed our concerns. When we were done she faxed over the information so Dr. Kennedy could have it for our next appt.
Judy Eastburn, BS, IBCLC, RLC
Tel: (972) 549-0050
Email: [email protected]
I love both of them so much and highly recommend them. Feel free to message me if you have any other questions or want just some more encouragement. :) You sound like a great mom and as a mother you know what's best for your child. Good luck and don't hesitate to ask me anything!
My five year old is lactose intolerant and couldn't handle milk or soy based formulas (I tried - because he was hungry all the time.) I ended up omitting milk and dairy from my diet, in addition to cola, orange juice, tomato products, beans, and bread. And breastfeeding a baby that, by one year old, weighed 25 lbs. He was exclusively breastfed to 9 months because of all the food issues he had - still has, actually.
Be aware - the formula could make everything MUCH MUCH worse.
When my mom had me and my sisters (almost 30 yrs ago) she got a lot of harsh words from her sisters about breastfeeding. They all told her that she should formula feed and thank God she DID NOT listen to them. She successfully breastfed me and my 3 sisters up until we were all a year old. I've exclusively breastfed all 3 of my children and have NEVER gotten a negative remark about it from my husband. I am sorry you have from yours. It would be very inconsiderate for him to try and separate the special bond a mother and child gain through breastfeeding. If you stop nursing her now, you may feel much more resentment towards your husband for being the reason you stopped and you'll never get that chance to breastfeed back. You can always formula feed, but you can't always breastfeed. Your baby is very lucky to have a mother that is willing to sacrifice the time and energy that you put into nursing her and do what you know is best for her even if others do not agree! You've gotten a lot of helpful advice here and I hope you get more encouraging posotive words. To the post that said she's using you for a paci, that's not true. She's 5 weeks old and a 5 week old BF baby is going to eat every 1-3 hours. Keep up the good work and don't let your husband discourage you from doing the best thing in the world for your baby. As long as you are taking your vitamins and eating a nutritious diet, she will be fine!!
Hang in there and take care!
I would stand my ground on this and insist that your husband talk to the doctor. Every baby is different and just because he's had children in the past doesn't mean they are all carbon copies. He is being a child, and I believe he is jealous of the baby's time with you, which is very natural and normal for some. If he is that insistent that you are doing something wrong, then he should go to the doctor with you. He is in the middle of a blame game, in which you cannot win. Stand firm, go with your instincts, and keep the baby on the breast. You have read the books...it's best for your baby, unless your doctor tells you different. Until your hubby is ready to do the work (ie - research), I'd say he doesn't really know what he's talking about. I would be stern, yet respectful and leaving him the ability to walk away with dignity, however, strive to convince him you are going with whatever the doctors recommend. This, too, shall pass. This is all new to him, too. Hang in there, mama. Good Luck! Becky
Hi Sherry,
that sounds like a difficult situation and you both have strong opinions about this subject. I myself have two kids and each was breastfed 14 months, so you could say I am a pro. (-:
I loved it and I didn't let anyone talk me out of it. I never pumped, because I am too lazy so they never got a bottle. I can not tell you how to change your husbands mind about things, but I think everyone knows the benefits of breastfeeding !? My kids for example have no allergies, are seldom sick and are very bright. Of course we also eat healthy and educate our children, but I think everything you can do to give your child an advantage in life and a good start, should be done. Some women can't breastfeed, because of health reasons, or because they have to be at their job after 6 weeks and it is too stressful. I understand that, but if you are doing good with the breastfeeding and your doctor confirms that your baby is healthy, don't let him talk you into using formula instead. I wish I could help you, because I think that breastfeeding is the most beautiful thing you can do for your baby and the healthiest. Maybe he should talk to other people about this, I know someone that gives birthing classes and is highly experienced in that field. I could give you her contact info. Maybe talking to your pediatrician would help as well ?!
Let me know !