Eleven-year-old daughter acting very immature

Family & Parenting Discipline & Behavior
1

Hi Moms,

So this is a post regarding my other bonus daughter. She is about to be eleven (this weekend) and is, I feel, entirely too immature for her age. She still throws fits and stomps around the house like a kindergartner. It drives me nuts, and try my best not to draw attention to it (and therefore reinforce the bad behavior), but what am I supposed to do with a child who is about to enter middle school and still has a horrible time sharing her things, listening to adults, treating her brothers/sister with respect, taking responsibility (for cleaning her room, even brushing her teeth and bathing!) and who is very sneaky? She will even take her little brothers' toys and hide them. She lies, she is manipulative and she has to have everything her way or it's a tear-filled tantrum fest! Also, she is still hooked on Barbies, stuffed animals, baby dolls and other toys that (I think) are very "babyish." I mean, I guess it's just from personal experience, but I remember being much more mature at that age.

I love her dearly and that makes her sound awful but it is true!

I know she has had a hard time: bio-mom lost her at age 2 to my husband's custody b/c bio-mom had terrible drug problems (and worse), bio-mom's boyfriends come and go--after she has already gotten attached to them, her sister doesn't live with us and in the past we have had long stretches where we can't see her (and, currently, we aren't even seeing her as much as is court-ordered), and her brothers who live here are so small that they take up a lot of time and effort on mine and my husband's part. It was hard on her for years when her bio-mom and us (my husband and I) weren't on the same page (bio-mom talked a lot of garbage about me and gave in to daughter's every whim), but for the past three or or so years we have all been working together very well. In the past I took her to counseling when she was having a very hard time with the other children at school, but I stopped it once her counselor wasn't being very reliable (she had to keep having appointments rescheduled, etc.) because I didn't want her putting her trust in someone who wasn't reliable. Since then she has excelled at school and her behavior there has been much better, but at home we still have problems.

The most frustrating thing for me is that I just don't know what to do; I have tried positive reinforcement for good behavior, chore charts, talking about feelings, loss of privileges for undesirable behavior, extra hugs/kisses and doing things with her one-on-one, lots more that I can't remember off hand. I want to see her mature into the fantastic young lady I know she can be, but she is still stuck in Candy-Land.

Am I rushing her too fast to grow up--am I being unrealistic about how mature she should be at eleven? Should I try to find her a better, more reliable counselor? Should I give her more responsibilities to help her mature (food preparation, helping with childcare of her brothers)? Help, moms, I don't want her to be teased and called a baby in middle school!

2

Some of the stuff sounds totally normal for an eleven year old girl. I remember being physically dragged into the shower by my mother at eleven. I also remember going through an elaborate rouse involving running the water, splashing water from the sink on my hair, getting the towel wet and getting puddles on the floor to give the impression that I had showered when I hadn't....it would have taken less effort just to get in the damn tub! Fortunately this is a self-limiting problem...she'll start spending a ridiculous amount of time getting clean pretty soon :p

But your girl has also had a lot of loss and a lot of change at a young age, and I do think she should be in some sort of therapy....and actually, even better, a family therapist for you, your husband and your daughter together to figure out how to address problems as a family.

3

Sounds like some family therapy or individual therapy might be a good route. Some of what you're experiencing might just be normal. But I have a 12-year-old son who also seems unduly immature for his age--always has been.

Over the past year we did some family therapy with my husband, me and our son. It was good for working out some kinks in how we deal with him and gave him a framework to see how things can be worked out.

We took a break of about 6 months when the counselor moved further away. However, we still deal with lots of tears and sometimes tantrums. We have recently started individual counseling for him with another counselor, which I am currently attending until he feels comfortable enough to do on his own. Considering he thought it was "fun" after his first visit with her, I think it may be promising. She was very insightful and was good at drawing him out.

Our main goal is to help him develop better tools for dealing with his emotions. He is often very insightful. Yet when he gets mad or sad, he locks up and can't express himself age-appropriately. Sometimes I feel like I have a 12-year-old going on 5.

One thing to remember is that kids this age are going through so many changes. Their bodies are changing and growing hormonally (boys and girls). And they are often in this funny betwixt and between state where sometimes they act their age, sometimes older than their age, and sometimes way younger than their age. It's a big push-pull thing that needs to get sorted out by them and by us.

I have to keep reminding myself that this too will pass. And we'll even probably miss this stage at some point.

The world is these kid's oyster if they just open their eyes and learn effective ways of dealing with life. Good luck!

4

FWIW, I'd focus on her interpersonal behavior and communication skills and let go the fact that she's stuck in Canydland. If she's had the horrible childhood you describe, then she probably needs all the fantasy and make-up time she can get for it. And some kids just mature later than others. There's nothing necessarily pathological about an 11 year old who likes stuffed animals or Barbies. It's not "the norm" but so what? It's better than a lot of alternatives! You could be fighting with her about wearing lingerie and dating instead. Do you really want to go there? I think if you keep doing the things you're doing -- find her a good new counselor, spend one on one time with her, make sure she gets it with her dad, too, etc., and support her in her interests (even if they are not yours), she'll end up all right.

5

Wow Mary, congrats on how you have handled all this so far. Sounds as if you have some good insights here. I liked the three responses you have gotten so far, as well. It's interesting, the span of perspectives on the same matter, isn't it? Good to look through someone elses' lens I think. Well, heres' mine. I say 'meet her where she is' and ditto on seeking support through family counseling as it seems her early childhood was at the very least 'unsettling'. I also wish to add that as a pediatric therapist myself that favors alternative therapies, you may wish to find a great herbalist, or cranio-sacral therapist that specializes in children. If you have insurance, speak to your doctor and tell him/her you want to try CST (cranio-sacral therapy). Your insurance should cover it under 'manual therapy' IF it is prescribed by her doc. Or, you may consider researching a natureopathic doctor and look into holistic approaches toward supporting your daughter. There may be underlying physical things going on affecting her behaviors...food allergies? past history of lead paint? have you had her tested for such things? Best of luck. Be Peace. Nancy

6

Hi Mary,
You said she's watching two younger sibs grow up presumably in a MUCH more stable loving environment than she had the benefit of around that age (when she was w/ bio-mom). I wonder how much she wants the chance to be a little kid in the happy home she now has. I'd say that might be a big part of the "babyish" toys stuff. If she needs to stay a little kid for a little longer, I'd let her. As far as the other stuff (behavior etc) I think you were on the right track w/ a counselor and maybe just need to find a new, more dependable one. It sounds like you're doing a good job just need to vent some (I don't blame you - you've inherited a complex situation). Try to keep in perspective that all too soon she'll be more grown up that you want! :)

7

Please, please, please get her into some counseling. She needs to go alone and with her bio-dad and then hopefully as a family, too. It sounds as though she is developmentally coming unglued (or not progressing) due to such extreme emotional scars and also vying for someone to pay attention to her. In my expereince, she is waiting for you, her dad and anyone else in her life thats he cares about to dump her. She's making it easier by pushing you away and acting like she doesn't care. The baby stuff is typical.

I really encourage some sort of intervention with the communication to her that she is completely normal and that you love her so much you want to make sure she is healthy and able to talk about these hard issues. She may open up more to a complete stranger and a professional can lead you to the correct ways to handle the behavior. Good luck. Dana

8

This kid has a lot to deal with. Her behavior is a result of that. Not knowing the full history, but just based on your inquiry. How long has she been in your care? What are the ages of the other children? Seek out a new therapist, one that she connects with. Put the extra time in to let her know that you and her father are there for her and that you are seeking the counselor to help her sort out her feelings. She needs to find a better way to deal with the loss of her mother and sister.

Four kids are a lot and you are not always going to be able to give one your undivided attention 24/7, so as a family you need to work out an alternative. It's not going to be easy, but you'll get there.
Be sure to post back in a couple months. You're headed in the right direction!

9

Dear Mary,

I would say don't RUSH her into adult hood just yet.

Just because you were ready for it at an early age, doesn't mean thats what's right for her.

I have a 13 year old son, who is immature for his age in comparison with the other children his age,

However it seems like over night he wants a girlfriend, cell phone and more freedom. Sometimes I say yes ok, other times I say no.

I have to say her behavior is NORMAL.

it is completely appropriate for a child to play with dolls
at age 11. Especially since she was , until a few months ago still in elementary school

Mom, you have to realize how difficult this is for her.
Growing up takes time and its NOT easy,

Infact I can ASSURE you that NEXT year with all the extra homework, social aspects, and additional teachers, and changes in enviornment and academic requirements.

THINGS WILL GET WORSE before they get better.

5th grade was rough, but 6th was maybe the most difficult stage i encountered.

I know you COMPARE her to yourself, and thats what worked for you. I had my first job at 13 and moved out my mother house at 15.

That doesn't mean it was RIGHT.

And as for your Bonus daughter, let her mature at her own pace, it will happen inevitably, and NO ONE will laugh at her or make fun of her. Her friends aren't cconcerned with her lack of MATURITY, They like her the way she is, and if they don't she will find others ,

If this were my bonus daughter I would simply encourage her to do her job which is to do well in school,

and assign one responsibilty at home,
Such as, taking out the garbage OR loading the dish washer.
And make sure she tidy's her room every day so it doesn't become a safari zone.

And PS don't be surprised if this is something you need to constantly remind her about every day. Afterall this is our jobs as parents, no one said being a parent would be easy.

She is a TWEEN
http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/tween

HEre is a link which will define NORMAL
TWEEN behavior.
http://www.simplyparenting.com/articles/33

Below please find a link as to
WHAT is considered NORMAL TEEN behavior.

http://www.informedparent.com/article.html?understandingyourteen

http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/teenager

10

I have to say I strongly agree w/ Mary K. There is no reason to rush her everyone matures differently just because you were more mature at 11 doesn't mean she will be. A lot of older siblings are jealous over the attention their younger siblings require which is probably the reason for hiding toys. Find her a more reliable counselor and stop pushing her imagine being in her shoes and having people constantly coming into and then leaving her life thats hard for a child that age (any age). Before you know it she won't want to play barbies anymore so let her enjoy her childhood while she can.

11

As a sixth grade teacher, I have to say much of what you have described is perfectly normal. Many of my students still play with dolls (especially if they are into American Girl Dolls). Some are very into fashion but just as many don;t have a clue. I have to have the school nurse pull many of the kids aside and talk to them about daily bathing and deodorant because they just don't get it yet and don't realize that they smell! Even kids who seem more mature in many ways, start throwing temper tantrums and working on manipulating their parents a lot at this age. Again, totally normal as they try to come into their own. With her history, I would certainly have her in counseling, but not because she acts too young. I wish more kids would slow down the growing up and just enjoy being kids!

Just my two cents.
Good luck!

12

Hi Mary C, Its Charlene H here. First of all "Be encouraged" the hardest step is for your to see that there is a problem. I have 5 kids 1 boy and 4 girls from 14-8. I am also an ARMY BRAT and have noticed that it is necessary to "tell" your children to "stop" bad behavior and I don't believe in ignoring it because it tends to lead to disrespectful speaking and actions.

At this point it sounds like your bonus daughter is driving your ship and you all are living with the effect of her bad behavior. I would reinforce your love for her but would create some real consequences for her bad behavior. At this point you probably had enough two years ago. I would suggest Family Counseling with a tough love counselor that believes in real consequences for bad behavior NOT someone who will enable a "poor me attitude".

When my son was about the same age, as a punishment for lying, I made him wear his lies and bad deeds for 1 entire day. I hung them on a string from the had so they got in his eyes and made them all different colors and had him write on them with bold magic markers "I lied to my mom today, I stole candy from my sisters, I broke the remote control etc." The point is, he ended up with 25 cards on his hat and it was wonderful because other children came up to him all day and read his cards and asked him why he did what he did and he was embarrassed. I created the Lying Hat because I figured I shouldn't be the only one embarassed about my son lying and stealing, I felt he should get a chance to feel the effect of his extreme bad behavior (understanding the root cause of his anger was an abrupt separation from his dad and he was angry with me)-bottom line was, it worked. My son began to understand that sorry didn't fix the hurt after so many years of lies but I was told it was an age and stage he went thru.

Hope this helps. Charlene H

13

Mary,

My heart breaks for this little girl. She really does have an awful lot on her plate. Allegiance to her biological mom, pre adolescent angst, on top of it all no life experience to help her identify and sort through these confusing emotions.

Additionally, though it is no fault of yours, you are very young yourself. Though you portray yourself with pride for your accomplishments (and you should) this is an issue even the most experienced and mature indiviual would have difficulty with.

As far as immaturity. Count your blessings, you could have much bigger problems. Hopefully, you still have time to reach this girl and change the future for the best.

I would plead for your family to seek out professional counseling. This child deserves it and your family needs it. The issues surrounding this kind of behavior are complicated and individual. Simple discipline strategies are not going to be too helpful in this situation. Though developing your own parenting skills is certainly going to help you all. Your step daughter would also benefit from some individual counseling sessions.

Obviously, the quality of psychological care varies, so call around ask for references in your area. (not sure where you live?) Mamasource may be a great resource for finding a great family/adolscent counselor. How about it ladies anyone who can help this family out?

God bless you for hanging in there and being proactive. I wish you all the best.

Janine L.

14

Wow reading this my first though was do we have the same daughter living at our homes? I have the same issue with my 11 year old who is going into middle school. I wish I could give advice on how to help. But I’m also at a loss of what to do about my kid. I’ve tried so much