I am writing in hopes to get some other peoples thoughts for my sister. This past weekend, while my sister two small children(ages 4 and 3) were having a sleep over their grandmother had a heart attack and passed away. They children unfortunatly saw most of the efforts used to save her life...CPR and such. My question is the kiddos father would like the kids to go to the wake so that their last image of their grandmother is one of her in "her pretty dress" instead of what they saw at her house. My sister thinks that this is not helpful for the kids to see her in this way and that seeing her in her casket "sleeping" may be way more confusing. So I am writing to get other thoughts, hoping that someone might be able help us with this choice. thank you all.
It's very unfortunate that her death had to happen when they were there but I think since they saw her death, it would be better (more complete for them) to see the wake etc... and talk openly about how much every one loved her etc....
A great book for kids during this time is Nana Upstairs and Nana downstairs by Tomie DePaulo. Makes me cry every time..
--Clare W
www.MyHomeCottageBiz.com
jen~ it is unfortinate what the children saw, but i do agree with Clare. seeing thier grandmother at the wake will help ease what has been going thruogh thier minds, of the last time that they were with her. they will see her lying peacefully in her endless sleep. in July my grandmother passed and i took my 11 y/o daughter to her wake. because the last time that she had seen her was in the hospital hooked up to all kinds of machines. when went up to the casket my daughter looked at me and siad "Nana looks beautiful, she looks like she's ready for her night out." i knew then that i had made the right decision by taking her to the wake. whatever the parents decide to do, it's important that the kids can talk openly about how the are handeling this.
my thoughts go out to you and the family.
Crystal
I'm so sorry for your loss..
My daughter was 5 when her gma passed.. we talked very openly with her about what the process was and let her choose if she wanted to be there. We told her exactly what to expect, what she would see and if she was in any way uncomfortable, she could leave (have someone ready to scoop and go at a moments notice). My daughter was fine.. after about 5 minutes in the funeral home, she was up rearranging the photos in the casket. Just be honest with both your kids. if they are mature kids, then they may be fine and I think it may be a good idea for them to see her at peace instead of being pounded on by emt's. Tell them about the "pretty dress" and that gma is not in pain and is at peace now. The 3 yr old may have trouble with understanding, but your 4 yr old may be ok. If they are the least bit uncomfortable,take them out of there. goodluck
I definitely agree they need to go to the wake. We've had four losses of elderly members of our family within the last year and took our girls to all of the funerals/wakes. Granted they are older (5 and 8), but it really helped them to have a special memory of the deceased. They must be horribly frightened by what they saw and it is confusing to them. My 5 (4 at the time) year old was a little freaked out at the first wake we went to for my grandmother and asked about a million questions while we were there, but she has been to several since and now can explain to us! The last wake we went to had a 2 year old there and she kept running back into the room to check on Granny. It was sweet and it's comforting to the other family members there to see the young kids carrying on the legacy.
Sorry for you loss!
Usually id say no to the wake and kids are to young to a point!But if they seen all that going on maybe it would be better to let them see her beautiful and peaceful for the last time to relax their minds.
god bless
Jen:
Sorry for the family's loss. It depends on the individual child. When my father died, my oldest son was only 2. I did not take him but had a sitter at my house for the after service. That way he could take part in some of the day.
The first thing is, please don't let your sister say "sleeping" - kids will think if they fall asleep, they might not wake up either.
With my kids - we talked about the grandparent "going to heaven to be with God." When our pet died last year, we talked about Lola went to heaven to be with God & Poppy.
She can even talk to the kids' pediatrician about how to handle the situation.
Cathleen
Hi Jen,
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of their grandmother. I lost my grandpa over the summer and I did not allow my 6yr old to go to the wake I did however take him to the church services and the to the cemetary. I told him we were going there to say goodbye to PaPa Joe. At such young ages as 4 and 3 they most likely will not rememeber it and taking to the wake I feel would confuse them they aren't really old enough to understand. My mother took my son to my great aunt's wake despite my giving her direct orders not to and actually climbed up to the casket because he wanted to take a nap with auntie I don't even think at the age of 6 he was ready to go to the wake occassionally he will mention to me mom remember when we went to say goodbye to papa but he doesn't even remember my great aunt at all. I think your sister needs to stand her ground on this one.
I don't know what religious beliefs you carry, but I tell my 3 y.o. that they're not with us anymore, but they're in heaven with Jesus. This is a great comfort. Funerals are important for closure, no matter how old a person is, I believe this. The kids will know from the other people's reactions that this is not 'just sleeping'. Sadness is ok and this kind of thing is a fact of life. Yes, they're kids and they are going to have questions. Answer them truthfully. I never understand why people try to shelter these things from their kids. It just makes it more difficult for them to talk about them when they are older. If you set it up that it is ok to talk about death, then they will feel comfortable talking about it with parents. I'm pretty sure no one is going to like what I've said, but this is what we do and there hasn't been a problem. She was their grandmother. They are going to need closure as much as the adults do.
I don't know what the right decision is either way, but I do remember going to the wake for my great-grandfather (who I actually knew pretty well) when I was five years old and that, for me, it was reassuring because he looked so peaceful that death seemed less frightening. I had a 3yo brother who came too; I don't think he remembers anything but I can call and ask him if you want. If they do come, I would discourage reaching into the casket or anything like that - I've actually seen adults fall apart at wakes after reaching in to touch the body and realizing how un-alive the person really is.
I think it's a good idea for the kids to go. A few years ago a good friend of mine lost her husband to Cancer. She has two small children. I went to the wake and brought my oldest daughter with me since she was friends with the children. I wasn't sure how she'd be with the open casket. To me it's creepy, but I also wasn't looking at him as if he's just sleeping. All of the kids who were there were going up to the casket and putting pictures in there including my daughter. It might not be a terrible thing for your sister's children to see grandma in a more natural looking way and the way they remember her. It could give them some closure. They watched all those life saving efforts being made and to no avail. If they don't go then what are they going to think happened to grandma? Kids are amazingly intuitive and I think getting together with the whole family and everyone rallying around them sharing memories of grandma with grandma there in a "pretty dress" how they should remember her is a good thing.
Monica
I would DEFINITELY take the kids to the wake; they do such a great job making the person look the way they did regardless of what state they were in at the end of their life. For my kids, when my grandfather died, I was very clear to point out that he was NOT sleeping, eg. his chest was not rising and falling and he didn't change position, because I didn't want them to fear going to sleep that they would never wake up. But it does provide good closure for children to see the person in an open-casket wake, especially if they had a disturbing last interaction with her.
This is a hard situation, but when my sons great grandfather passed away, he was only 3. It was a hard thing to go through, but when I sat down with him and explained what has going to happen, the wake and funeral, he understood. It was a way for him to say good bye. It was the best decision that I ever made with him. And he still carries that memory with him and instead of getting sad, he is glad that I made it easy for him to understand and let him be there. In my opinion I think she should let the kids go.Give them a chance to see her in a better situation and they can say their good byes. I agree with the dad.
My children, ages 6 and 4, lost their great grandmother last summer. They were very close to her and visited often while she was in the nursing home in her last few months. Fortunately for us, the services were very low key - consisting of a simple mass and a few words at the cemetery (closed casket). My children participated in the event, and I think it was helpful for them as they processed the loss of a close person in their lives. They miss her very much in our day to day lives and I felt they deserved to have the same experience of closure as the rest of us adults. Seeing ones loved one in a casket is a bit different... but given the trauma your niece/nephew witnessed, I can see the logic at seeing her body in a state of peace. If they do attend the wake, I would be careful at differentiating between her "sleeping" and being "at Peace" or her body with us and her soul/spirit "with God" or however you describe it. I think describing death as "sleeping" can be scary for kids since we all go to sleep at night and they will obviously see that their grandmother's state is different from this. Good luck to your family in handling this difficult time. I hope you can be honest with the kids in a way that is simple and comforting for them. Remember that, in the past, throughout human history, children have always been exposed to death... "Ring around the Rosie" is about children dealing with the Black Plague, for example. Our culture shelters children from such losses to a great extent, and we need to rely on our own judgement and children's personalities on how to handle such situations.
Hi Jen - I think that no matter how this is handled, these events will have a lasting effect on the children. It is tragic and traumatic, for sure.
However, if your sister and her husband choose to frame it in a different way, they may also see several teaching moments it it as well...
I'm not sure if anyone can change any else's mind here - but I can say that the actual concept of death is not real to children at these ages. On the other hand, my husband's best friend/cousin passed away suddenly when my daughter was 2.
Because family came in from all over the country that had never met her, it was requested that we bring her to the funeral.
Again - a tremendous opportunity to teach. Because sadly, death is a part of life.... And I think that as your brother-in-law goes through his grief, the children - only having a picture and memory of the rescue efforts - may think that is what he is upset about, or that the rescue personnel caused it. (Yikes!)
They may end up with a skewed sense of what EMT's, firemen, etc. do and that could be lasting as well.
If they were my children, I would explain the heroic efforts made by the rescue personnel and that sometimes it's just not enough, etc. When it's time, it's time.
We have the added bonus (in a big way) of being a Christian family and - most especially in times like these - it serves us well. If you do not have that aspect to share, this might be good time to introduce the concept of a loving God that watches us and takes us home to such a wonderful place when it's His time - and that all of life is in His timing, whether we like it (His timing) or not....
Otherwise, seeing Gram peaceful and pretty is not a bad thing. The husband is right in that it may replace the horrific picture they might have now. (This age children don't really process words so much as pictures.)
My daughter is 10 and still talks about David in his "special bed"... There is no trauma for her.
So again, how it is handled is really crucial. It is imoprtant to speak of the sadness and loss as well though - this is a big picture and seeing all sides would be helpful for them to process it all.
All that said, a few sessions with a child counselor might be very helpful as well...
My heart goes out to you and your family - losing a parent leaves a hole in you that can never be filled.
That is a tough one. My brother died two years ago and my kids didn't come.My son was 6 and my stepdaughter 14. I thought it would be more traumatic for them to see everyone crying and so upset.My son gets so worried when someone is crying especially me.I think it was the best choice.My stepdaughter didn't want to go for the same reason.It's hard to watch grown ups break down.Good luck. Tina
Hi Jen,
I agree with your sister - ABSOLUTELY NOT! They're WAY TOO YOUNG to attend. We just experienced the same thing with my boys (4 & 6) great grandfather, he actually lived with us & we were all very close to him. I took care of him the last 4 years of his life.
My kids did NOT go. My husband also thought they should, and we argued then I finally said - you know what - call some other family members & ask them - THANKFULLY they were all on my side. WAY TOO YOUNG. Kids can't understand or comprehend all that stuff.
My sister in law brought her 9 & 11 year old girls & the 11 yr old cried pretty bad, but the 9 year old was in hysterics!!! My sister in law glared at her husband & took the girls home. They did NOT belong there at all.
If your brother in law wants the kids to remember her - give them pictures, tell stories, watch old family movies ... kids do not belong at a wake AT ALL what-so-ever.
Hope that helped
My sympathies to your sister & her family
God Bless
Charissa B.
Hi Jen,
When my son was 4 yrs old his great grandmother passed away. He was very close with her--we had lived upstairs from her until he was a little over 3 yrs old. We had a similar situation where he saw her in an extremely unpleasant manner before she passed. She had been in respite care and we went to visit w/her to say our goodbyes. Our in laws were there and were going to take him so he did not have to see her...to make a long story short he saw her on her death bed. We did not have a babysitter for the open casket wake and so we had to bring him. He was comforted by seeing her so peaceful and he got to say goodbye to her. He brought up the subject of death and dying quite a bit afterwords but he also said he was happy to see that she was no longer sick and that she seemed happy. I feel that the wake was just what he needed it was "closure" for him.
I did explain to my son prior to going that Grandma was not asleep....I did not want him to fear going to sleep or having my husband and I falling asleep!
I am sorry for your families loss and hope you are able to figure out what is best for your children.
So sorry for your loss. If the kids ask to go let them. My brother was 4-5 when our grand mother passed and he wanted to go. My dad did not want him to. He did fine. I think under the circumstances it is a good thing for them to go. Have them go in before others are there and then have someone whom they love to be with take them out for something fun.
sorry for your loss. i do not believe children belong at wakes, funerals. it's an emotional day for all involved, and more than they need to handle at such a young age.