How do you deal with people at church being so judge mental? I love my church and our new Pastor, and I do not want to go to any other church. Yet my heart hurts that I always feel talked about, or not as good as others at church. Yes I'm praying, but I don't know how long I ccan hold on!
I suppose it depends on what they are judging you on. If you feel you are doing the right thing for your family, you have to learn not to care what other people think. Search in your heart why it bothers you so much-- do you think they may be right about what they are saying about you? If not, try to figure out some other reason why you care so much.
My best advice would be to pray and ask the Lord to help your feelings not to overcome you. Sometimes when we go with our feelings they can lead us the wrong way. Pray for the people you feel are talking about you. The more you pray for them and ask God to bless them. This will help to release any ill feelings you have toward them.
Donna,
I have been raised in church, and I love being in God's presence too. However, judgmental and church should not be in the same sentence - sadly it happens. You may love your new pastor and that's great - but if you are feeling talked about etc...in my opinion you have two options. 1. Confront the issue with the person/people that are talking about you and/or 2. Find a church home that you can feel truly at home at.
Be blessed and highly favored,
Alison
Donna,
Have you considered talking with your Pastor about how you're feeling and why ? Ask him if he would consider doing a sermon on "Love Thy Neighbor (and Church Family ) as Thyself." Gossiping about anybody is a sin, although it is Human nature, it doesn't make it right. anD HE COULD ALSO REMIND THE cONGREGATION AS A WHOLE ,IN GOD'S EYES WE ARE ALL EQUAL. In the meantime , pray, pray pray. Also remember that alot of times people forget Church is God's House and They are guests and should treat each other with respect even if someone doesn't agree with ,or particularly like someone. As Christians, we should be setting an example, especially around people who aren't yet Christians. If they see or hear this behavior in church , what a contradiction to what a Christian is supposed to be. Just know in your own heart, God is the Only one we have to answer to in the end and I think people lose sight of that. As was suggested, also pray for the people/person who makes you feel this way. If you have it in you (and pray for it if you don't) to approach the people or person who is causing you the hurt and ask them why they feel the way they do, or ask your Pastor to intervene. No one ,(bottom line) should keep you away from church . If none of the above is possible for you ,find another church home ,where you'll be happier and more receptive to what God has in store for you. It's hard to go to Church, feeling this way and not be able to receive the Joy you should feel . I'll keep you in my prayers , Cathy S.
Dear Donna,
My heart breaks for you and your situation. There will always be "bad seeds" per say in churches because churches are filled with people, and Jesus has made us righteous, but it's our job to act like it and many don't. My pastor did a great series on religious-mindset. It focuses on the dangers of people being judgmental, snooty, knowing every scripture, but lacking the heart of God. If you are finding this attitude in a majority of the church and it is effecting your ability to truely feel as though you are joining your brothers and sisters in fellowship and impartation from the Word, then perhaps there is a lacking of proper direction towards the people of the church. Often churches go through pastors for whatever reason and the congregation stays the same and people begin to feel like they are the authority in everyone's lives. Although you love your church and your pastor be aware if God is telling you it's time to move. God often brings us to a place for a time and when the season is over, although we have become comfortable there, he makes it clear that we should move by making staying difficult. Church is the one place on earth that people should all feel welcome and loved by all. it's the place where you smile at everyone and hug strangers. It's the place where we practice letting our light shine and loving on those who are seeking somthing different for their lives. this fellowship allows us to begin to imagine the love God has for us and focue our attention on the word that God wants to give us that week through his pastors. If you are interested, pray about it first, then visit www.thechurchgroup.com My church is a non-denominational church that's main core value is "A church is to be filled with friends, and Happy is the man that findeth wisdom AND understanding. Pastor Mike is an annointed man who will truely teach you and your children as well as the other members of the church on proper behavior towards each other. You can download archived messages, request messages ( I would get the last few Wednesdays series, it's GREAT). We have a homeshcool group that does monthly meetings, playgroups, teachings, end of the year awards ceremonies and our highschool group does a full blown prom night every year for all high schoolers. There are a lot of resources for your family. We have our main location in Jacksonville at Baymeadows and Phillips, but we just opened a branch in Orange Park off Brennan Field at the Oakleaf School. We also have an Orlando, chicago and Atlanta branch ...oo and New York, too. We have ichurch which is a live broadcast of every service designed to meet the needs of people in every corner of the earth. People log on from France, Iraq, Austraillia, Texas, hawaii and more. Your whole family can listen at the same time and be on the same page with your learning. The service is longer than you are used to. We worship for about 30 minutes, have announcements, give a teaching on financial prosperity and the oppurtunity to invest in the kingdom, this is mainly a message about puttin your faith in every part of your lives and trusting that God is the all sufficient provider. I can testify to that! And then Pastor comes out and teaches for one hour. You will need a notebook and pen and a bible, every time. You will leave feeling like you have just attended an awesome college lecture, which is what it is supposed to be, a learning, imparting experience, not a prayer a poem and a verse. Check it out, it may be time to move. If not, God will supernaturally mend all the broken hearts and will change the situation. Not every place is the brook God has called YOU to, be aware, listen in the stillness, try something new and see if there is a peace about it. We were very happy with our church for a while and my husband started going to this new church when there were only about 80 members on wednesdays, he asked me to go and i was resistant because I really liked where we were, but man, when I got there, I felt like I had missed so much being stagnant in my previous place. One day we might be ready for something different, but for now we are exactly where God wants us. You are a sweet mom Donna, God has a special plan for you and your family will be blessed. Lots of love and hugs
Apryl
I'm late -- the kids need breakfast -- but I had to respond very quickly to a complex question.
Human beings are pre-wired to be judgmental. Sometimes that could be a life saving attribute and also helpful to keep members in society "in check" -- avoiding the temptations of sinful behavior.
Many times we must examine our own feelings & thoughts and not allow ourselves to judge others without compassion or harshly.
I LOVE attending church because the people who attend each Sunday know they are flawed & they need help from God. They admit it -- openly & honestly -- by their simple presence each week.
I have many friends who DO NOT attend church because they say the churches are filled with "hypocrites." Of course, it is so much easier to say that and not rise on Sunday mornings and attend church. Of course, it is also easier to point out another person's flaws rather than look at our own flaws.
But, overall, I concentrate on God & think about how he judges me & not what other human beings around me think. Constantly, I pray that God will make me strong to DO what he wants and BE what he wants.
Your focus right now seems to be on "humans." Put your focus on God. Also, you never know -- and we are creatures of habit, so I understand you do not want to change churches. But pray about it -- nevertheless. sometimes if you do not feel right in one church there is another church you are supposed to be attending. It took me many years to realize I was supposed to be attending a different House of God's.
Don't let people stand in the way of your relationship with God.
First - a little about me... I'm a psychotherapist and an old gramma (well gramma, anyway) of nine grandkids (three children, three steps). I was a preacher's kid and am well aware of how churches are not just about the pastor. In fact, a pastor can only do so much about a "church" when the congregation has its own mind-set.
Absolutely, I would speak to the pastor about it. But, unless you are making this all up in your mind and it is not really going on, the pastor needs to respond in some way other than that you need to change so they won't judge you, or you need to learn to ignore them. Otherwise, I would be looking for a new church that understands who Christ was. Your children are learning about God from Sunday School teachers and seldom understand the sermon the pastor preaches, right? The folks teaching your children are the ones I worry about. What view do they have of judging others?
Keep in mind that Christ spent his time with prostitutes, criminals and tax collectors (who robbed their own people to get money for themselves). So, no matter what the folks in your church are "talking about you" about, there is way more drama and judgment going on in that place than any of God's work that should be going on. You already know what you believe about God. Your children are learning from the church (and you, of course). I wonder if you don't need to be at least as careful about who they learn about Jesus from as you are about where they get their school lessons. I would think that knowing Jesus can undo a great deal of public school's harm. But - who will teach them who Jesus really is? I believe church is crucial to this endeavor.
Worship needs to be done in a community of believers and needs to reach out to others, not just be done in our living rooms where others are seldom invited in. The church needs us to be there so that those who are hurting can find God when they turn to look for God. And - you need to be supported in your faith. Even if the gossip is right and you do have "sins" which need turning around (who, actually, doesn't????), they are not helping you in any way. We only reform after we are first loved and accepted, then are forgiven, then feel and express gratitude to God, then ask what we can do in return. At that point, maybe, just maybe, we might do some reforming. (Personally, I'm still trying to shrink my ego - but - at my age I begin to wonder if there is any hope...sigh...all I can do is keep asking God to help me with this "thorn in my side" as St Paul expressed whatever his affliction was that kept him humble.)
Sorry this is so long (once a preacher's kid, always a preacher's kid) - hope it has something of value. You have my prayers - as does the congregation. They have a lot to learn about God's love. Sounds like they are praying the Pharisee's prayer, rather than the Sinner's prayer. Remember, Jesus uplifted the Sinner and condemned the Pharisee - not the other way around.
Donna - I have been a single Mom now for 5 years to 3 wonderful children.
My husband & I were baptised on the same day. We dedicated our children when they were all really young. Then out of the blue he ups and leaves me our children were 3, 4 & 6.
I did not go to church for almost a year. Some churches did not welcome me as I had "No husband" to lead me! I have been through 3 other Baptist churches since then and I finally found a church that is a true gift from God. I switched denominations to a "Church of God" church and boy what a difference.
Donna I finally was home for the first time in 45 years. These wonderful people are the most genuine, loving, sweet, helpful, gracious spirit filled christians I have EVER known.
If you feel like you say you do - then there are only 2 answers I can offer you. Pray for God to guide you to another church, then you can experience other things and see if you fit in. Or if you do change churches and you still feel the same way then ask God to change your outlook and heal you of your fears. God just cares that you go to church - NO one has the right to voice their opinons about you if you do not ask them to.
You say you love your church - but what exactly do you love? the location, the size, the programs, the pews. OK that was a little harsh but that is not what it is all about at the ned of the day. I go to draw nearer to God, to be surrounded by like minded people.
Tonight we are having a prayer night at my church, I will pray for you I promise.
Kind regards
Mandy F
Put your faith where it counts in Jesus; pray and leave it in God's hands. When we, too, point the finger are we not also guilty? Might this be an opportunity for growing one's faith?
A little about myself also,
I too need the constant reminder to 'pray and leave it in God's hand'.
I am also a stay at home mom with two children 7 and 5. I Choose not to home school having a wonderful charter school close by.
Dear Sister-in-Christ,
Remember that you are a Child of God, and church is a place to give God praise and glory. It is not about you, the people or the pastor.
With a Heart of Worship, we do not think of ourselves, how we feel about ourselves and how others feel about us. This is God's time. Put everything else aside and surrender to him during that time. If you must fellowship with others (ministry work) know that you are doing that for God also. If there are people in the church (and every church has them) that are gossiping, being judgemental, then He will deal with them. YOu just remember who you are in Christ...obey and honor him.
God Bless.
Hi Donna,
I couldn't pass up responding to your letter. First let me start by saying "I understand completely!" I too have had first hand experiences with people in church being mean and nasty, judgemental and critical...sometimes right to my face! My kids have been rejected, hurt, left out and felt the pain as they watched the kids that called themselves "friends" do things to purposley "one up" and hurt them. Many times I have asked myself...why am I here? Why am I doing this? And I keep coming back to the same thing...hurting people hurt people. Now that doesn't make it any easier, but we have to find that place inside of us that says, "I am confident enough in myself to know that anything those "nice" people might say to me is because they have their own issues that they are dealing with". People are mean and judgemental because they don't feel good about themselves...or they are jealous...or they are going through a hard time too! It's so hard to be able to stand on top of it and find that place where you actually have compassion towards the other people...but you really need to know that 9 times out of 10 YOU are NOT the problem! It's called "projection"....I don't feel good about myself and I see things in you that remind me of the things that I don't want to deal with in my own life...so instead of dealing with MY issues...I pick on YOURS! Then I feel better! It's ironic...isn't it? I have also found that it seems that I begin to feel a tremendous amount of pressure to BOLT or to ROLL OVER just before God opens a new door to me. There is direct resistance to my spiritual walk trying to inhibit me from actually making it to the "other side". God give us grace. Consider the fact that God has a special plan for you in your church with your new Pastor. Listen to your heart and follow your peace. You will know when it's time to go...but don't leave because of "people". Leave because you know God has opened the next door and it's time to go. Find a place to get involved in your church and use your gifts and talents...find your PASSION! And let it shine! I pray for God's grace over you! By the way...I'm a Pastor's wife...(smile)
Dear Donna, How wonderful that you can be a stay at home mom and homeschool your children. You are doing the most important job in the world, raising children to be good citizens and to love God. You mentioned you like to go to church to be in the presence of God. When we seek God we are always in His presence so that can be home the park and when we take time to meditate and pray. People will always disappoint us but the Words of God are where we find solace. Perhaps you feel this discontentment because you are meant to be on a spiritual journey and are questioning the hypocrisy of judgemental christians. Know that God created you noble and try to detach yourself from the negative thoughts of feeling you are being judged. If that doesn't work, then maybe you do need to leave that church. That door is closing for you and you are ready to open another door. Here is a prayer that I always find helpful:
O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.
Hi Donna,
I am a pastor's wife and have been at the receiving end of someone's judgement. People are going to continue to walk in human weaknesses and continue to judge regardless of what the Word teaches us. All churches have judemental people in the pews so my advice to you is bless them. It's hard, but forgiveness isn't about them saying 'I'm sorry' to you it's about you saying 'I love youw and bless you' to them. If their judement remains constant it's discord and it leads to bitterness then to anger and if no one will deal with the problem perhaps it is time to find another church where peace and unity is more abundant. You will eventually become consumed with the same spirit and it could lead to your spiritual distruction. Have you considered speaking to your pastor about this? You could be the catalist for this change.
I pray you will find peace either in your church or another.
Blessings,
Kim D.
Dear Donna:
Please, let me first say how sad I am for you to go through this experience. Unfortunately, I know first hand how gossip and judgemental behavior can ruin a church and/or your part in the body.
It depends largely on what the Lord tells you do to. I would first go to Him, He knows the circumstances around why these people are doing what they are doing and He has a plan! I will tell you no matter what, that is going to be a painful lesson for you, but one that you will glean so much from. I bet you are asking yourself what do I mean?
Well, think about it, we learn lessons, that God wants us to learn usually when we experience it. Sometimes it to teach us not to do something or sometimes to do something or sometimes it is in our own life or sometimes it is in someone else's and we don't know why we are in the middle of it anyway. I will tell you that God doesn't waste any lesson! Sometimes people don't get the lesson, which is sad because they may have only so many opportunities to get it and then they've wasted because they wouldn't either open their eyes or their heart.
As Christians in today's society, we sometimes think that we deserve something, a wonderful life because we're doing all the right things, but that is contrary to what the Bible says. We should expect trials and tribulations, who better should Satan use, but other believers, because it would bring the most pain and anguish and be used to steal, kill and destroy us in our Christian faith and family! What victory that brings him.
I know my perspective is maybe a little different, but you first need to be asking God, "What do You want me to learn?" rather than "Why is this happening?". It's just the wrong question. As you pray He will give you wisdom, whether to speak to the pastor, or going right to the people themselves. There are many verses in the Bible, that I would be happy to share with you to give you guidance concerning this, if you don't already know. Whether to stay or go, remember a lesson is never just for one person, it may be for your church people as well. Think how awesome it would be if you and they were able to work through this Biblically, how much stronger would your relationship be, how much more loving and obedient. It may be a lot of anguish before you got to that place though and usually people stay away from anything painful. It really depends on who the lesson is for mostly and will all of you take the challenge to grow from this experience or shirk from the painfullness of having to deal with real issues.
I can tell you, if they were able to deal with it, that would be the church I would want to be in! True growth, spiritual growth in a church today is something to cherish! This is the test.
God will let you know if these people are unwilling to dig deeper and you should move on to another community of believers.
I hope you will pray before taking anyone's advice and be faithful to God even if it is difficult. I will be praying for you and your church and would love to hear the outcome, even if it takes a long time, since this is so close to my heart!
In Christ,
Danielle
It's so sad that the one place you think you're safe from harsh words is the place where they exist the most. There are only 2 routes to go in this situation. One, you accept that you can't control people, what they say, or what they think and you let it roll off your back. The other option is to face your problem (the gossip). Just put it out there to the person directly that you feel there is an uncomfortable situation going on and ask if there is something you did to make them not like you. They MIGHT feel embarassed that you picked up on their behavior and hopefully change.
Have you talked to your pastor yet? I'm sure he/she would have some very encouraging words for you~
As Christians we are supposed to go to church for the purpose of joining with others in a group setting to worship the Lord as a group. It is supposed to be just another venue for our personal experience with God. There is nowhere in the Bible that would give the notion that during our church worship times we are to subject ourselves to the sort of emotional pain that you are experiencing.
I am wondering what is it about your church that you love, since you come away feeling talked about and not as good as the others.
If you have not already sat down with your pastor, that would be the best place to start: hopefully he will be honest with you and let you know if there is something in your behavior that invites this type of snubbing. Also he needs to be made aware of what his flock is doing to one another (and you can be certain that if this is happening to you it is also happening to others). I would talk to your pastor and give him a chance to fix things... it might take a little time, but it would be good to at least try to work to improve the situation.
Otherwise maybe it's time to find a new church. There are so many -- even though it is easier to not move on, there are times in our lives when moving is really the best answer: people who gossip and demean others are not behaving as the Bible teaches (see 1 Cor) and being a part of that group is not helping your spiritual growth in the Lord, is it??
I do hope for the best for you!! The first few times I tried to go to church I felt very judged etc -- but at the time I was not saved, and although it would have been nice if someone had reached out to me no one came anywhere near me, so I quit bothering with it...... many years later I did actually wander into a church where I was not only accepted but welcomed, and I accepted the Lord as my Savior and well we all know the rest of the story!!!
I have on occasion seen this type of superior attitudes toward other church members, and being rather bold and unafraid I have spoken to the offenders about it... surprisingly some people are not even aware of how judgemental they come across to others. Jesus wants us to be peacemakers (Matt 6) and sometimes that means doing what is very difficult and uncomfortable.
Discussing your feelings with your pastor and his wife would be the best place to start. Being honest with him is important if you want to grow and improve the situation.
Hi!
Unfortunately what you are experiencing happens in so many churches. You can either ask to speak with the people that are talking about you and set things right (communication is the key) or you can forget about them and go to church to worship and focus on the Lord, ignoring what's going on. This is very hard. I know you are supposed to have a group of believers to help and encourage you and worship as a body, but this is rare in today's church (which is super discouraging).
Be diligent and with perseverance God will bring you peace. Focus on Him. He is the one that matters.
Gob bless.
Are you sure they are talking about you?
Find the passage in the bible (Judge no that you not be judge) ALso(he who has no sin throw the first stone) in clide book and verse and line. You couldmake some cut litle hand outs and give them to the judges
BE DARN SURE THAT THEY ARE JUDGING YOU or you'll look like a stuck up fool Why do you care what they think: are the on duty at the heavenly gate?
This is really a difficult situation to understand the why and how people who attend church can be so cruel to others. I have had this experience over the years as well as my daughter. So please know that others have had to deal with this kind of thing too. There aren't any easy answers but I admire you for home schooling (so does my daughter) and for wanting Christian friends. Please know that it probably isn't anything you have done but if you have just moved to the area or to this church some people may think they don't need any more friends so they won't reach out to you. Please try to hang in there and do what you know is right, keep your eyes on the Lord and pray for those who aren't very nice to you. I don't know if this helps but at least I know what you are going through.