I need advice regarding my sons wife. 8 years ago we had a falling out, and in the heat of the argument I told her things that bothered me in the past all at once.i think I really angered her because I drudged up other things while talking to her about this one issue. Well, she had a child shortly after, and now has 3 kids, and won't let me see them very often. Like, maybe once a month. But we have to call them to let any kind of get together happen. My son is so into her, he used to be a complete mamas boy, doing everything I asked with no complaint, but now, it's less. It seems as if his domineering or controlling (I think she is this way) wife calls all the shots, so now he is devoted to her. It makes me so mad/sad. We have called them a few times as a surprise to tell them we will be there in a few minutes because we are in the neighborhood. She was uncomfortable, obviously, and hardly spoke to us. She wouldn't even offer us any dinner because we surprised them at dinnertime, although we were not expecting dinner. We just thought she should offer it. Well, the second time we surprised them, my son came out and would not let us insside, but we wanted to see our grandbabies so bad. Plus, she just had a son with 2 other daughters so I was excited that I get to "relive" having a son. The past few X-mas they did not come to the second one, and my other son ripped into her, but she just told him, who is single, that he doesn't have to share himself with 2 families like she does. I also think how rediculous she is for not letting her children watch certain movies or eat candy while here with us alone. Is PG/PG13(a good clean PG13) really that badfor a 6 year old?!!!! Sheesh. Plus, there were a few times when she told us to bring back the kids at 7, but I brought them at 7:40 and she was mad. She is always mad, so controlling, always giving us a time limit with them. How can I tell her that the time we brought her is not so late? I always tell her that her kids looks just like my son and even bring pictures to prove it, and it pisses her off so bad, but I don't see the issue. I see what I see, and I love it. Does anyone relate to what I have to go through, she is so obnoxious!
I hope this isn’t for real, because you are the worst sort of MIL. Going off on your DIL and telling her every little thing about her that you don’t like and then wondering why she doesn’t want to see you? Dropping in unannounced and asking to be entertained/fed? Disobeying her rules for the kids with regards to movies and candy and what time you bring them back? You are selfish and obnoxious and I wouldn’t want my kids around you, either. There’s a reason my mother is not ever alone with my kid, and it’s because I know she’d act like you and not follow my rules.
Of course your son is taking his wife’s side over yours. You don’t get to “relive” having a son with your grandson. He is not your child, he is her child. You need to learn boundaries, stat.
Doris:
Welcome to mamapedia!
You screwed the pooch. You opened your mouth, opened a can of worms and it sounds like NEVER apologized for it.
Your son is an adult. He’s NOT supposed to be a mama’s boy anymore. He’s a husband and a father. He’s protecting his family.
THEY ARE HER KIDS…NOT YOURS.
When someone asks or tells you to bring THEIR CHILDREN back by a certain time - YOU DO IT. Put yourself in HER shoes. How frantic would YOU be? Especially if you didn’t call to let her know you were running behind…it’s CALLED RESPECT. Something it sounds like you don’t have. Sorry - but really.
You think a six year old and younger is READY for a PG-13 movie? Have you no consideration towards your son and his wife? Do you know what it means to respect their boundaries? My parents had my kids for 3 weeks this summer - they are 11 and 13 - and they respected MY rules - even from across the United States…
I think the obnoxious one is YOU. How DARE you expect her to open her home and arms to you after you treated her poorly. You have no respect for her. Her rules. You have no boundaries and believe that this is your way to “RELIVE” your life with your son’s kids??? uuummmm…NO.
You need to start treating your daughter in law with respect. YOU MUST APOLOGIZE and eat crow. If you can’t do that. YOU will be living a lonely life without your grandchildren.
You need to respect her rules for HER children.
You need to respect HER TIMETABLE.
Get over yourself. You need to apologize. You need to grow up.
Good luck!
Wow… I feel sorry for your daughter-in-law… and your son…
Of course, her husband should choose HER over you… THEY are the family now…
No matter what she does allow you to do, you resent it and have to have your way, whether it be about candy, or movies, or bringing them back a little late…
Get over yourself! If you want to have ANY kind of a future with your grandkids, you need to RESPECT their wishes regarding the care of their children.
I speak this from a MIL perspective…
Wow! I thought my mil was bad, I actually have it really good. Thank you for giving me a better perspective.
If you wanted to make up the perfect bad mother in law, this is a pretty good job.
Wow. Just wow.
First of all, it’s GOOD that your son is devoted to his wife. He’s not a mama’s boy any more! Second, you don’t get to “relive” having a son. You are the boy’s grandmother, NOT his mother.
It sounds as though you have some issues with boundaries, control and respect.
Your daughter in law has every right to set rules on food, movies and time, and since you seem very disrespectful of her, I don’t blame her for setting strict limits.
If you want relationship with your son and his family, you will want to rethink how you treat your daughter in law. Also, give your son some credit. He’s probably not being controlled. Did you ever think that HE is trying to set some boundaries with you?
Edit* answering your So What Happened regarding “drop ins”. DON’T drop in. You have a long, long, long way to go in repairing your relationship with your DIL, so you need to be very respectful. You are lucky…I wouldn’t even let you in the door! For the past 8 years you have done a lot of damage, don’t expect her to warm up to you right away when you try to make nice. You may not realize this, but your DIL, your son and your grandkids can pick up on your attitude that she is not good enough. My heart goes out to them.
This can’t be for real, but on the off chance it might be, I’ll take a few seconds to respond.
I don’t have a daughter-in-law yet, but I’ve got a mother and a mother-in-law, and your post just made me appreciate them even more than I already do.
You argue and bring up every little grievance you have about your DIL; you expect your son to answer to you and still be “mama’s boy” and do what YOU want him to do; you resent that he loves his wife and has made a life with her; you show up at their home unannounced and then get upset because they don’t meet your expectations; you bring your grandchildren home late; you disregard parental requests, and you continue to do things intentionally that you know will annoy your DIL. And to top it off, you call HER controlling and obnoxious.
Hmmmm. And you wonder why they don’t want much contact with you? You’re lucky they talk to you at all.
If you really want to improve things, drop your expectations. Realize your son has his own life, and respect their boundaries. Be kind to your DIL, even if you disagree with her, and follow their instructions regarding their children.
That’s what you need to do if you want to be part of their lives.
In response to your So What Happened, I don’t think you get it yet. Our oldest started school and we got even busier. Homework, fund raisers to attend, gymnastics, school events, Girl Scouts, parent meetings and conferences. There are literally nights when we don’t even get home until 7:00. And there are weeks when we might have only one night when everyone is home and the only obligation we have is my daughter’s homework which takes at least 30-45 minutes. Carting three kids across town for dinner is not always an easy thing to do and in some respects is even harder. Especially when one is a baby and you have to work around nap time/bedtime and pack a diaper bag. Work out a compromise. Once or twice a month you could meet for dinner. With my MIL it is Sunday brunch.
I really don’t like “drop bys” at all. They are disruptive to routines and plans. At a meal time even more so. I don’t care who it is. I appreciate at least 24 hours notice that someone would like to drop by. It gives me a chance to clean up a little, make sure I have coffee in the house, let the kids know that there is going to be a change, etc. And I expect the person inviting herself over to understand that it might not work out at all for her to stop by. A week in advance gives me time to clear our schedule for a visit from someone.
Even if your son is “your baby” and had a “rough time” as a kid, he is grown up now and although you will always be his mom, he doesn’t need you to protect him anymore. He is a grown man who can take care of himself.
And if you still have the attitude that his wife isn’t good enough for him things will never get better between you. My MIL is just as bad. I hate spending time with her and will come up with every excuse I can to avoid spending time with someone who obviously doesn’t like me. It is going to take a lot more than just talking nice to your DIL. Believe me, we DILs can see through the fake attitude and if your truly think it is all “blah, blah, blah” then your relationship with her is doomed.
I’m sorry, but I’m probably just like your DIL. My MIL said and did some VERY hurtful things when my husband and I were dating and first married. It has been very hard to forget, especially since it continued for a long time. I flat out don’t trust her because of some of the things that happened. My MIL is widowed and has no friends. She expected us to be her social life. We couldn’t go to a movie or even shopping without her tagging along. And there were a couple of times when intimate moments were interrupted when she just showed up at the door and let herself in when we didn’t answer the doorbell.
The thing is, when a couple gets married they start their own lives. When kids come along it changes it even more. New families want to start their own traditions. New families have to balance their new family with both the husband’s family and the wife’s family. It is nearly impossible to always be where everyone else wants you to be. It is impossible to always please everyone.
As far as showing up to surprise them? I would react the same way. Our family has lots going on and nights or weekends when we don’t have things going on are few and far between sometimes. It is important for us to have those times as just our little family. I don’t want to feel like I have to entertain someone. And showing up during dinner time unannounced? Most nights I fix just enough to feed the four of us. I wouldn’t have extra to feed unexpected guests.
As for her “ridiculous rules,” we moms have rules for a reason. Yes, PG/PG-13 movies can be inappropriate for kids younger than 13. That is why they have the ratings. Time limits probably have more to do with keeping to routine than trying to limit time with you. Most kids go to bed around 8:00 and need a very structured bedtime. Being thrown off even 40 minutes can make bedtime a nightmare and morning wake up even more so. It irritates me when my MIL feeds my kids lots of snacks because then they aren’t hungry at meal time and it’s a fight to get them to eat.
I’m sorry, but I’m on your DIL’s side with this one. There is a reason why in the Bible it says, “A man will live his mother and a woman leave her home.” You are no longer the only woman in his life. He now has responsibilities to his wife and kids and can’t drop everything to be at your beck-and-call. If you don’t back off a little it will only make her more distant and less willing to be forgiving. And it will distance your son from you even more. I am speaking from firsthand experience.
Hate to break it to you, but your daughter-in-law isn’t the controlling one!! Try looking in a mirror and you’ll find out who is!!
You sound exactly like my MIL - when I was first married, she wanted to control EVERY holiday; every this, every that, etc., etc.!!! Then when we had children, she refused to follow OUR rules. (I would be furious if my MIL let my 6 year old watch a PG-13 movie!!) The visits got less and less and now are almost non-existent!! As the years went on, my children saw for themselves what their grandparents were really like and now as teenagers want almost nothing to do with them.
Additionally, my MIL had a screaming match once with my husband - bringing up all kinds of old stuff along with the new - turns out she was holding grudges against me and accusing me of stuff I had absolutely nothing to do with. She manufactured so much in her own little brain, my husband and I were looking at each other totally dumbfounded!!
Consider yourself lucky if you get to see those kids at all. You are being totally disrespectful on so many levels!!! I would have cut you off a long time ago!!!
Good luck!!!
This can’t be real - but what the heck - here goes:
Look.
Your son married a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad.
The reason you butt heads with her so much is - you are EXACTLY THE SAME.
Your son LOVES HER FOR THAT.
She is his partner in life and she’s going to outlive you.
She has boundaries and you just want to walk all over them.
You don’t get to call the shots.
Especially after the first time went over like a lead balloon - WHY EVER did you think a 2nd surprise visit would be a good idea?
Um - no - it wasn’t.
If I had to pick one word that best describes your complaint against her it would have to be ‘overbearing’.
Your grand kids are HER BABIES and she has every right to determine what they can watch and how they eat and what time they need to be home so they can get their bath time/bedtime routine in.
Frankly - you should apologize for a whole host of transgressions and it wouldn’t hurt you to get off your high horse once in awhile.
The Queen of England you are not.
You don’t get to ‘relive’ having a son.
You get to get a life that does not revolve around your son and his family.
Play some bingo.
Get busy in your local senior center.
Travel a bit and send them some postcards.
Take a class, get a degree, volunteer, learn to knit, take up yoga, grow a garden - involve yourself in something so you have a full social life and stop being a pain in the backside.
If you can’t do this on your own then get some counseling so you can someday achieve it.
Hmm… troll much?
On the off chance (I can’t believe I am even saying it) that this MIGHT be even half real…
Ma’am, I respectfully would say to you that you are WAAAY over stepping. I don’t give a rip if it was 20 years ago. You should have kept your trap zipped. What you have now is a direct result of what you did then. She is a wise woman to distance herself and her children from you.
I also couldn’t care less that your son had speech issues when he was a child. He’s a grown man with 3 children of his own now, and a wife. Do you think he should put you ahead of her??? He is doing what is right, by standing by his wife. Period.
Dropping in? Umm.. maybe if that is what is normal in your relationship with your DIL. Obviously, that isn’t the case since you went out of your way to alienate her 8 years ago, and the status quo is that you need to call first. If they are busy, tough.
If you stick around this board long enough, you will read plenty of posts from wives complaining about their meddling MIL’s and the advice you will hear most often here is that their issue needs to be discussed with their husband, not the MIL. Because HE should be protecting HER from the nonsense which is YOU. And somehow, your son figured that out and is doing right by his wife. Be thankful that he is, and respect their time, their space, and their family.
It isn’t your place to be protective of him. Not anymore. Can you really not see that you created conflict in their marriage and he values his marriage with his wife and is trying to protect THAT from you?
Wise up.
Do you really not see how poorly you treat your DIL?
ADD2: And re. your SWH - the kids are in SCHOOL, they ARE busy. I find it sad that you still sound so “well, if I have to!” re fixing this, and you AGAIN act like it was no big deal that you lit into her “it was just that one time” should NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Stop blaming her for YOUR issues.
ADD: Get some therapy to let go, really. I know you love him and things were hard, but he’s an ADULT, he’s MARRIED, and she loves him. You need to let go for ALL of your sakes. You are no longer being protective of him (SHE didn’t make fun of him, she loves him), you are being possessive and disrespectful, which isn’t healthy or loving.
It DOES NOT MATTER that things were 8 years ago. If my MIL had dropped a “YOU SUCK” bomb on me, we would NOT have a good relationship. I doubt you’ve apologized because you STILL think you’re right. You’re not. You need to accept that (or get help if you can’t), apologize when you mean it and prove it with actions.
If they have 3 kids, they ARE too busy most of the time. But because the relationship has gone so sour, he does not want his family to have to deal with the drama of your visiting (because per the “i don’t want dinner, but she didn’t offer so I’m mad” scenario - you DO create negative drama).
My mother has proved, time and time again, with her actions (which do not match her words) that she cares more for herself than for her family. She has lost contact with both kids due to this. We call and are polite but do not have a “relationship” with her. Kids don’t do this unless their parents cause them a LOT of pain. We can only take so much.
And if our spouse is attacked, darn right we choose them - that’s how it’s supposed to be.
ORIGINAL: OK - If you’re not a troll making up a story, you need to step back and look at this post as if it wasn’t you. I’m going to be blunt here, because this is just an amazing amount of ridiculous.
- You dumped all the stuff that “bugged” you about her and she reacted accordingly - she avoided you.
- You think it’s weird that you “have to call” before visiting (that’s called polite and respectful of someone else’s time/home).
- You think it’s weird that your son is “SO INTO” his OWN WIFE??? REALLY?
- You have a problem with your son being devoted to HIS WIFE and not his mommy?
- You “surprised” them visit-wise, and are annoyed that she was uncomfortable with you just dropping by.
- You drop by AT DINNER, don’t “expect dinner”, but are then annoyed because she didn’t OFFER IT?
- You think you get to “relive having a son” with your grandchild (that’s creepy).
- You insult their parenting, when it sounds like they are doing a fine job - NO PG-13 is not FINE for a 6 year old, that’s why it’s called PG-13 - it’s recommending PARENTS for 13 year olds.
- You bring the kids almost an HOUR LATE and think that’s no big deal?
Honestly, you are so disrespectful of your son’s wife, I’m amazed they still live near you. If I had an MIL like you, I’d move cross-country.
Your DIL is screwed up. You sound like such a prize of a MIL. You tell her you will give HER kids as much candy and soda as they want. Why not show the kids a rated R movie, seriously whats a little skin or bad language, the kids are going to learn about sex and bad words eventually. Tell your DIL that since the kids look like your son she couldn’t have been screwing the mailman or UPS man unless they also look like your son.
And I love when people I don’t like drop in unexpectedly, tel her to get a grip and always plan on making extra food for unexpected company.
Sorry but your DIL sounds like a control freak. I bet she has a short leash on your son and you need to do anything you can to break up this marriage, woops, you already are. Well good luck, night Troll.
Seriously???
Ditto everyone else.
Okay. I can so see what is going on its not funny, but I hope you are up for advice. Real advice. Even it you are 100% correct in your observations and criticisms, here is the deal with your adult children and their spouses if you want an open invitation to their lives and your grandchildren. Its hard advice to take, but please consider it very thoughtfully- lesson number one: DO NOT INTERFERE .
You think she is a Bio@%^&.?? act like she is the nicest DIL in the world. They don’t allow PG-13?? (Totally awesome parenting in my opinion by the way), then don’t even consider letting the 6 year old watch a PG-13. You want to come drop the kids off late? Call first. You want pop in?? Hello its the age of cell phones, give some notice first. You want an in with the family? Compliment the DIL and be (or act as though you are) on her side.
You want to be tight with your grandchild?? Suck up to DIL. That may or may not include apologizing for your previous vommiting of your real feelings towards her in the past. Which by the way was a bad idea. I’m all for letting your feelings hang out with one exception- future children-in-law.
From my vantage point, its not clear if you expected your son to do your bid and calling or if what you expected was reasonable honor and respect from your son. But just the fact that you are put out that you cannot let a 6 year old watch rated PG-13 movie speaks a lot about you. I don’t even let my 5.5 year old watch PG.
As I see it you have choices; make nice to DIL and have access to your grandchildren, or put your true feeling on the table and have the woman with all the power here limit your access to your grandchildren. Thats the bottom line.
I don’t believe this is a real post.
My family drops in all the time, I don’t mind. If I am busy or don’t feel well I just tell them and they leave. That’s just me, I really don’t care when friends just pop up either, they understand if I’m busy.
I think the bigger issue here is that you are somewhat controlling. You are used to having control over your son and him doing what you say without issue. That was bound to change when he got married. I think the best way to fix this is to talk to your daughter in law. You have to remember that she is their mother and even if some of her rules seem silly to you, you have to respect them.
It seems as though you don’t respect her parenting and coupled with with w/e you said to her years ago, makes her keep you at a distance. If you want to see the grandchildren and she gives a time they need to be back; bring them back at that time. Show her that you will respect her and I am sure things will get better.
Good Luck
i’m sorry, hon. it must be so hard to have ‘lost’ your son so, but geez, you have GOT to take a look at what caused it.
and it was you. yes, you are THAT mother-in-law.
you call her controlling and domineering, but what it really sounds like is that you’re just mad that you’re not the one controlling and dominating your mama’s boy.
you ‘surprise’ them constantly, and are angry that she doesn’t give you dinner? when you arrive with no warning, at dinner, when she’s trying to feed 3 kids? and this AFTER a nasty incident when you ‘drudged’ up everything you don’t like about her?
i think she’s incredibly gracious.
you want to let her children watch movies she hasn’t approved, and feed them candy, and you bring them back late, and SHE’s the bad guy?
i need to go hug my sweet MIL again.
khairete
suz